Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not want to be a bridesmaid

66 replies

Groveparkmama · 08/11/2020 11:19

My sister recently got engaged and is planning to get married in September 2021. She has asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I am really not keen. I will be 36 years old by then, I’m married and have a little boy. DH and I have also discussed that we will TTC baby number 2 next year.

Of course, we may struggle to conceive but I don’t really fancy being a pregnant bridesmaid and feel that I’m too old for it anyway!

My sister has asked my son to be a page boy (along with 2 other page boys and a flower girl). She has also asked my other sister to be a bridesmaid - she will have a 5/6 month old baby at that point.

I am very happy to help organise a hen do and to be there on the wedding day to help my sister get ready and organise all the little ones in the bridal party. I just feel it’s not necessary for me to be a bridesmaid!

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and agree to be a bridesmaid?

OP posts:

Maireas · 08/11/2020 13:21

Don't do it. The dress would be a waste of money (almost certainly frumpy and silly), you can help your sister and enjoy the day. (Without wearing a polyester monstrosity)

woodhill · 08/11/2020 13:22

Matron of Honour?

Nottherealslimshady · 08/11/2020 13:24

If you dont want to you dont have to. But my eldest bridesmaid was SIL at 40ish and she looked stunning, my sister had a 4ish month old baby, everyone was told they didn't have to but were invited to.

Honestly, I wish my sisters had refused, they clearly didn't want to and they just made me feel like I was inconveniencing them so much, despite not actually asking them to do a single thing except travel to the church with me. They still didn't and went and sat in the church, then came back out to walk back in again with me. Wish they'd saved me the hassle and just said no.

So either do it and be glad and dont complain about how much an inconvenience it is, or say no.

Bluntness100 · 08/11/2020 13:27

Your basically offering to be bridesmaid with what you’re offering to do

So the bit you object to is donning a dress and walking up the aisle

Can you agree to a dress of your choice?

Mumbum2011 · 08/11/2020 13:27

I would've been extremely hurt if my sister had refused to be a bridesmaid citing the reasons you've given. 36 is not too old. You may or may not conceive and allowances can be made with dresses.
Has your other sister also expressed that she doesn't want to be bridesmaid?
Was your sister bridesmaid at yours?

SmudgeButt · 08/11/2020 13:30

Well you could simply say "don't you want to have your best friends there instead of me?" And then say you really wouldn't mind because you'd acutally prefer to do X, Y Z instead.

It's a nice problem to have in my opinion. I have 3 brothers who have had 6 weddings amongst them and I've never been asked to participate. I would have at least appreciated if just once one of them have said "i mentioned to my fiancé about you being a bridesmaid but she has 6 sisters so I hope you won't mind not being up front."

And the really bitter and twisted me also wants to point out that I wasn't even invited to a hen do or bridal shower either and didn't get invites to all of the weddings!

JMG1234 · 08/11/2020 13:31

I wouldn't have had an issue with when I was a bride, particularly given you are providing support in other areas; being a bridesmaid isn't just the walking down the aisle part.

I'd have a word with my sister and gauge her reaction. If it upset her, I'd be happy to go back to the original plan but she may be totally fine with it as your reasons are understandable.

jerometheturnipking · 08/11/2020 13:32

YANBU. You can support your sister without having to have a title and daft frock.

TableFlowerss · 08/11/2020 13:32

@Fouroclockonamarblemorning

I don’t blame you. I would feel ridiculous at that age in a bridesmaid dress. It sounds like you’re supporting her in lots of other ways. I’d just be honest with her.

😂😂 that made me laugh

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 08/11/2020 13:45

You're only in your 30s, you're certainly not too old to be a bridesmaid, what gives you that idea? That being said, if you don't feel comfortable with it then that's fine. Maybe just discuss it with her?

RiftGibbon · 08/11/2020 13:47

I was a bridesmaid in my 40s.
But if you don't want to do it, let your sister know, tactfully and soon.

Odile13 · 08/11/2020 14:28

You say you feel too old to be a bridesmaid - but you’ll only be 36, which isn’t old at all! If your sister really wants you as a bridesmaid it seems a bit petty to say no. I don’t know whether she’s older or younger than you, but she may well be at a different life stage and would appreciate you being a bridesmaid on the day. Do you have a close relationship? If you do, I can see why she would hope and expect you to be a bridesmaid.

ZolaGrey · 08/11/2020 14:41

I'm not keen on adult bridesmaids, but I'm an antisocial nightmare anyway

I've asked my sister if my nephew (who will be 4-ish when we get married) and my daughter who will be 14-ish (if she still wants to at that age), to walk down the aisle with me. My sister will technically be maid of honour but will only come down the aisle if my nephew needs his mum to do it with him!

The plus side to having only family as bridesmaids/flower girls etc is that you don't have to pick friends and risk pissing anyone off.

You should talk to your sister, if the relationship is a good one then she'll understand that you're happy to be "bridesmaid" but would prefer to be helping behind the scenes, which might be why she's asked you in the first place.

kateybeth79 · 08/11/2020 15:16

I'm going to be a bridesmaid next year and I'll be 41! I didn't realise there was an age limit! And when I got married 2 of my bridesmaids were 8 months pregnant!

mummypie17 · 08/11/2020 16:52

I'm 36 and also married with DC. I have a friend (older than me) who hopes to get married although she's not engaged yet. She has said that she'd like me to be bridesmaid. I'm willing to be one as her big day is about her and not me. However, I would prefer not to be
At my brother's wedding two months ago, I was a reader and my son was a pageboy.

Aridane · 08/11/2020 22:06

@SpeccyLime

Honestly I think this is one of those situations where you should put aside your feelings for the sake of your sister. Otherwise you’re prioritising your feelings about your age and appearance over her feelings that you’re her sister and she loves and cares about you and wants your support on the day.

By all means explain that you’re worried about the dress if you’re pregnant etc so you can work out a solution you’re happy with, but to simply refuse strikes me as a bit tough.

I agree

Flip

1 2 3