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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a bridesmaid

66 replies

Groveparkmama · 08/11/2020 11:19

My sister recently got engaged and is planning to get married in September 2021. She has asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I am really not keen. I will be 36 years old by then, I’m married and have a little boy. DH and I have also discussed that we will TTC baby number 2 next year.

Of course, we may struggle to conceive but I don’t really fancy being a pregnant bridesmaid and feel that I’m too old for it anyway!

My sister has asked my son to be a page boy (along with 2 other page boys and a flower girl). She has also asked my other sister to be a bridesmaid - she will have a 5/6 month old baby at that point.

I am very happy to help organise a hen do and to be there on the wedding day to help my sister get ready and organise all the little ones in the bridal party. I just feel it’s not necessary for me to be a bridesmaid!

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and agree to be a bridesmaid?

OP posts:
DotTheCaddy · 08/11/2020 12:19

Was she your bridesmaid? If so YABU. It's one day and itll make her happy

Franklyfrost · 08/11/2020 12:21

The ceremony will take an hour tops. Just put the dress on, try not to start breakdancing during the vows and that’s about it. Perfectly doable while pregnant and doesn’t seem like a big ask from a sister on their wedding day.

KiposWonderbeasts · 08/11/2020 12:23

If you don’t fancy it, don’t do it.

Tell her you’d prefer not to be a bridesmaid but maybe offer to get involved in other ways.

Dawnlassie · 08/11/2020 12:26

You might not fancy it but its your sisters special day. Put your big girl pants on ffs.

PamDenick · 08/11/2020 12:27

Hell no! Don’t do it!
All this frippery around weddings! Hasn’t she heard? Weddings are now the bride and groom , a beautiful short ceremony and then a lovely meal for 6 or 15 or 30, or however many.
Hen dos , grown up bridesmaid squeezed into matchy matchy dresses, Stag dos in Prague, adults ‘heartbroken’ because their cousin/sister/BFF can pet be there to do random jobs are all from the old life.
People have always got married and moved on with their lives. We can thank Covid for making this much simpler these days...

Floofsquidge · 08/11/2020 12:28

I'm getting married at 42 and my older sister is my bridesmaid as besides my fiancé she's my best friend and I wouldn't want anyone else. Are we "too old?!"

letsgoandtango · 08/11/2020 12:29

I don't understand why you don't want to? I've been a pregnant bridesmaid twice - once at 8 months gone and huge!

Of course you can say no but be prepared for your sister to be hurt. I would be if I was her.

ilovesushi · 08/11/2020 12:29

I though bridesmaids were supposed to be (traditionally) the unmarried friends/ relations of the bride. I get that as a married woman with children, you don't really fancy it. Could you be a witness instead? I had a lovely best friend who was up for that role but not the bridesmaid role. Worked perfectly!

ivykaty44 · 08/11/2020 12:31

bridesmaids, the clue is in the name

if your married then matron of honour

otherwise a guest at the wedding

nannybeach · 08/11/2020 12:32

By the very nature, someone married with kids, cannot be a brides "maid" you would be a matron of honour. I don't see the point of large weddings, all these frills, the wedding is just a day, a couploe of hours, it's the marriage tha't's the important thing.

Twizbe · 08/11/2020 12:35

I get where you're coming from. I don't think I'd like to be a bridesmaid anymore either. I'd happily do the bridesmaid type jobs but not the dress up and walk down the aisle stuff.

I'd much rather they asked my kids to be a flower girl / page boy and I'd just help organise the little ones.

Fouroclockonamarblemorning · 08/11/2020 12:38

I don’t blame you. I would feel ridiculous at that age in a bridesmaid dress. It sounds like you’re supporting her in lots of other ways. I’d just be honest with her.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 08/11/2020 12:38

No way would I ever be a bridesmaid again, and anyone close enough to me would know not to ask. She’s your sister surely you can say no to her and support her in other ways. If you were my DSis I would be delighted you were honest with me and didn’t reluctantly take on a role out of duty.

Jroseforever · 08/11/2020 12:38

We all do stuff we are “not keen” on doing for the sake of loved ones.

If you are close, then I would t hesitate.
If not and she’s only asking you to... tick a box? Then be honest as to why you are declining

Original poster
Groveparkmama · 08/11/2020 12:46

I have a very close relationship with all my siblings. In fact, I do wonder whether the reason my sister has asked my other sister and I to be bridesmaids is that she was a bridesmaid for both of us and so feels obliged to return the favour. I also wonder whether she would have more fun with bridesmaids who are not encumbered with children / pregnancies.

I suppose I do feel a bit funny about wearing a bridesmaids dress. I really want to support my sister on her wedding day, but was perhaps envisaging a role a bit more like Kate Middleton had at her sister’s wedding.

As others have suggested, I will be open with my sister and explain our baby plans for next year. She can then decide if she is still comfortable having me as a bridesmaid and hopefully we can leave any dress shopping until much nearer the time.

For those worrying about Covid - she is very very aware and for that reason is having a marquee in our parents’ garden rather than hiring her venue. Her fiancé is a chef, so they will be using friends in the industry to do catering.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 08/11/2020 12:50

I had a ‘manager of the bride’ so she helped with all the organising stuff and fun bits, but then was in the audience for the ceremony and just wore her own clothes etc. It worked really well. Maybe offer to be something similar rather than an official bridesmaid

jessstan1 · 08/11/2020 12:53

You could be matron of honour. Plenty of people perform attendant duties for a bride, when they have babies or are pregnant. It would be a shame not to do anything as it is important for your sister.

oo0Tinkerbell0oo · 08/11/2020 12:56

I told my sister's years ago if you ever get married please do not ask me to be a bridesmaid. I dont like getting dressed up and i dont wear make up. I like to be comfortable in what i wear and there's no way i could go out in public in a dress and face all done up, it's just not me. My sister's totally understood.

Tiredmum100 · 08/11/2020 12:57

I'm 37, married with two dc. If my sister were to get married I'd love to be her bridesmaid if that's what she wanted. When I was 30 I was bridesmaid and 7 and half months pregnant. No big deal for me personally. If you're dead set against it then don't do it. You know your sister and know if she'll be disappointed or not. She may have asked you because she felt she had to. If you think it might cause a big drama can you suck it up for the sake of a day and a dress she wants?

Lowkeevslucille · 08/11/2020 13:06

There are so many threads about people miffed not to be asked, brides can't win. If you don't want to, just tell her, but at the end of the day, it should be about her, do you think she will be happy or sad that you don't want to be her bridesmaid?

Lowkeevslucille · 08/11/2020 13:07

@nannybeach

By the very nature, someone married with kids, cannot be a brides "maid" you would be a matron of honour. I don't see the point of large weddings, all these frills, the wedding is just a day, a couploe of hours, it's the marriage tha't's the important thing.
how is that relevant, many of us loved our large wedding Grin
BlueJava · 08/11/2020 13:08

YANBU, why not speak to her and tell her you'd do it if that's what she really wanted, but you'd rather help organise and support in other ways but not be bridesmaid on the day? That would seem reasonable to me.

Lowkeevslucille · 08/11/2020 13:11

I don't think the tradition of bridesmaids being unmarried is of any relevance today,

when no bride cares about the tradition either and most brides are happy to wear wedding dress even after having their own children, or on their 2nd or 3rd re-marriage.

You can do whatever the hell you want nowadays, isn't that a good thing?

ThornAmongstRoses · 08/11/2020 13:11

My two bridesmaids were 32 and 35 and one of them was almost 8 months pregnant.

It was a wonderful day!!

YABU

LolaSmiles · 08/11/2020 13:17

If you're happy to be involved planning events and you are close with your sister and you're happy to be there on the day then I don't understand what the issue is with being a bridesmaid as the only bit you wouldn't be doing is walking a few metres in a dress and maybe a couple of photos.

I'd understand if you didn't want to be worrying about planning hen dos etc when you could be pregnant, but turning down being her BM over such a small, non stressful thing like wearing a dress at a ceremony you'll already be attending seems like it would cause needless upset.

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