Ex has lost the plot and brainwashing DD

[JCWildWest]

Sorry if this long.

We have been separated for over 10 years and share a teenage daughter. He’s a disgrace of a father and has had very little to do with DD for many years, sees her a few times a year, doesn’t pay maintenance etc despite all this DD adores him.

He started living an ‘alternative lifestyle’ a few years ago. He decided he wanted to live off grid and not be part of the capitalist system. I don’t entirely know what this entailed but from a far it seemed to involve being unemployed, sponging off his family and girlfriend and not washing very often.

Over the past 12-18 months this has escalated, he decided to become a practising ‘witch’ and started believing some peculiar things. It didn’t really worry me as it seemed to involve a lot of meditation and being kind to people and the planet so each to their own and it’s not harming anyone. Other than maybe DD because his communities and training seemed to occupy him so much he saw even less of her.

Heard not a peep from him over last Xmas, he didn’t send so much as a message over her birthday.

Then after lockdown lifted he started showing a renewed interest in seeing her. Still not a lot or regularly, he’s seen her about 5 times since then but for him that’s a lot.

Since then he has been imparting his ‘wisdom’ on DD with his, I’ll try to be nice, non mainstream views. DD has started getting into witchcraft and tarot cards etc off the back of this. I’ve again let it largely go by the by as experimenting.

Since she last saw him though she’s been going on about ‘the great awakening’ and preparing for this. I presumed it was something to do with the witchcraft as it coincides with the winter solstice.

But I’ve done a bit of digging and it isn’t. It’s actually an end of the world conspiracy. Ex believes there will be an enlightenment and that those who believe and have the prepared for the awakening will ascend to a higher consciousness. His preparations have included something that involves looking inside yourself and he believes it has caused him to uncover dark memories from his childhood which have caused him to have a mental breakdown. But is going ahead with his preparations. He believes he is a star being descended from Nordic aliens or something.

I’m getting really concerned he’s clearly not in his right mind, he’s been sending long rambly barely comprehensible messages to DD but she’s absorbing it all and believes a lot of it. I’m concerned this ‘ascension’ could involve something extreme or damaging. It’s almost like a cult and regardless of what I do or don’t believe in I’m very concerned about DD getting sucked into this stuff. I don’t like it, I’ve got a sick feeling in my stomach when I read some of the stuff he’s been sending her.

I just want to know what others might do in my shoes?

My gut tells me to keep her well away from him and cut the contact out.

Are you in contact with his family still? Maybe have a word with them as it does sound quite concerning? Does he have any previous mental health problems or anything?

No I’m not. And he has cut himself from his family members a couple of years ago. It’s just him and his partner and they share a child. From what DD says his partner is of the same beliefs. They homeschool their child

I would say he’s been suffering with poor mental health for many years in one way or another but he’s never been diagnosed or admitted this himself until now

If you try and cut contact she will seek it more and you’ll be the bad guy. obviously she’s not my kid but I just remember being a teen and I know that’s what I’d do. I would probably let it blow over! I used to mess with tarot and all that. Soon real life kicks you up the arse lol.

Yet I get that and that’s been my attitude up until this point because I also messed around with that stuff when I was her age. I guess my concerns lie with what on earth is going through her dads mind and how mentally stable he is.

Have you heard about the People’s Temple and they all committed suicide on mass? Some of the things he is saying made me think of this. He isn’t saying that obviously otherwise I’d just straight up report him but it’s some of the language used. It’s very cultist and it’s this ascension to a higher consciousness on this set date of ‘the great awakening’.

I realise I am probably catastrophising to a certain extent because I’m worried about my DD and instantly thinking worst case scenario. But it just really doesn’t sit right with me

I'd also be worried about the invisible child that two cultists are homeschooling...

What do you think the risk is of there being a suicide element to this? If it's just batshittery then I would let it pass, but the slightest risk of actual harm coming to your daughter then that's a whole different kettle of fish and you need to seek help/advice from everywhere you can.
Does he follow anyone, or is he a member of a group that you can research? Or is this all made up in his head?

Do you think the child who lives with them is at risk? If so please report to social services. It is probably also worth seeking their advice with regards to your daughter.

Well it’s up to him what he believes, I’m not sure it’s different from him suddenly becoming a Christian. It sounds like he has a belief system you don’t understand so see it as a threat, if it’s a big part of his life it’s not surprising he discusses it with his daughter. She might be attracted to some of it.

What does need to be addressed is his inconsistency regarding contact. No spiritual belief should encourage schism.

Most belief systems have stories re the end of times. Given the state of the world quite a few think the end is nigh,

My advice is to address the contact and leave alone what your ex does or does not believe. Living an alternative life does not equal mental illness.

Most mystical belief systems talk about joining back together with a higher consciousness from which we are all derived. The only slight concern I have is about a set date and what will happen then. I’d be making sure yourDD wasn’t with him that day.

she's a teenager and these days teens are well aware of mental health and illness. So I think you could perhaps have a sympathetic conversation with her about what her father has been saying about his own mental health/stress/darkness, the very rambly strange letters etc.. You're a little worried about him and wonder if she is too.

       Do you think the witch  stuff and weird letters could be written under the influence of drugs, mushrooms etc ?  If so I'd be quite worried about  my teen being  around that behaviour.   a

Yes I am concerned for their child. But again not sure if I’m being unreasonable in that. Like previous poster said they are entitled to believe what they want.

I realise different beliefs don’t equate to mental illness except he himself is acknowledging he is having a mental breakdown.

Regarding contact, I think if I could ‘sort’ that I would have done it by now. I can’t force him to see his child, believe me I’ve tried. And right now I’m glad he actually doesn’t see her very much.

I don’t have any proof or logical reason for thinking the worst of this. I have a bad gut feeling and some of the things he is saying don’t sit right. He also won’t discuss Xmas arrangements, said day of ‘awakening’ happens before Xmas

I think you are right to be concerned, teens can be impressionable especially if a person they love is the one getting them to believe them. Your ex may well have had a breakdown or is delusional. Are drugs involved in this new found consciousness, because a bad ‘trip’ from some can trigger some reactions that mimic schizophrenia and delusions.

I think he has been seriously indoctrinated by the cult he is following, and in your place I would be very calmly providing counter arguments to its philosophies to inform your DD. She wants to believe the best of her dad, so you need to tread carefully. Try to get her to open up about her own feelings on the matter. You might be surprised, she may reveal that there are things she doesn’t like but doesn’t want to upset her dad. You can voice your concern for his mental health and that you are worried about her too.

I hope someone will come along and give you some advice on who to contact to help you, I think if he has never paid any maintenance and there are no court ordered contact arrangements you can reasonably stop contact and he can do nothing about it.

Nothing you are saying sounds cultish to me, he just doesn’t have the view point as you.
Stop labelling him with this just because he’s choosing to see what’s going on differently to you.

Is it harming anyone? Is it harming your daughter? If not then leave him to it.

What age is your DD?

I think you should contact the NSPCC for advice on your DD and your ex's child. Or you could go straight to your local authority and speak to the duty social worker.

I would be really concerned about this. What happens on or before the 'awakening' what are believers expected to do?

He sounds like my family- christians who think we are in the end times.
Simiar views, but acccepted when you are a christian,.

Trust your gut.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
It isn't about "not understanding" a religion.
Yes, many religions include the concept of the end of times.
But a set date that is happening really soon? Before Christmas?
That is super weird and concerning. It would be super weird and concerning if is was a Christian sect too. A cult is a cult.
Being "alternative" is not a sign of mental illness, but the long rambley incoherent letters and believing the world will end in less than 2 months is!
I would read up on the best way to talk to those who are getting sucked into cults. There is advice out there, and I would use it to talk to your dd (not that she is in a cult, but it may be applicable in some ways I think, depends on how much she really believes - hopefully deep down she doesn't really believe the nonsense).
Also try to gently restrict contact with her dad, without making it obvious iyswim. Try to distract dd.
Trust your instincts in this situation. Dont ignore them because others accuse you of being "closed minded".

I would trust your gut

Can you keep her well away around this day of reckoning?

NSPCC or duty social worker for advice?

Another one saying Trust Your Instinct.You have been relaxed up until now - something has changed and has put you on your guard. You would be foolish not to listen to your own warning.

There are particular techniques for helping people challenge cultish behaviour or conspiracy theories. It’s difficult to break through the thought processes though. In your shoes I would not try to affect her contact with him. But I would be researching the best way to deal with the conspiracy stuff.

Well, if this ‘awakening’ is due before Christmas, when it spectacularly fails to materialise, your DD might realise her father is full of shit and move on. 🤞🏼

DD is nearly 15. I have had a lengthy chat to her about it a couple of days ago. And also about her dads mental health. She’s sensible but also her love for her dad is blind and she accepts anything he tells her. She always has done despite him being largely absent. I would expect it’s something to do with trying to gain his acceptance and love

I might contact the NSPCC for some guidance. I feel social services might be too extreme for something I may or may not be catastrophising about

Unless there’s themes of self sacrifice...?

I'd be worried, OP. It's unlikely to be a worst case scenario (mass suicide), but if he honestly believes that something is going to happen on a specific date/within a narrow window of time (i.e. before Christmas), it really does sound like a cult to me (not even remotely like mainstream Christianity ).

I think you have to tread carefully, since you don't want to encourage your daughter to clam up and tune you out. A lot depends on how old and mature she is. Can you speak to her, calmly and nonconfrontationally, about what exactly her father's been telling her? If she's old enough, maybe you should gently explain some of your fears.

I definitely wouldn't let her visit him close to the time that he thinks this "awakening" is due to happen. The problem is that even if this date passes without event, his bizarre beliefs aren't going to just magically dissipate. This will be an on-going issue, and I'd want to keep a very close eye on it until your daughter grows up enough to see her father for what he is-- someone she loves but shouldn't count on for stability or a balanced perspective.