Ex has lost the plot and brainwashing DD

[JCWildWest]

Sorry if this long.

We have been separated for over 10 years and share a teenage daughter. He’s a disgrace of a father and has had very little to do with DD for many years, sees her a few times a year, doesn’t pay maintenance etc despite all this DD adores him.

He started living an ‘alternative lifestyle’ a few years ago. He decided he wanted to live off grid and not be part of the capitalist system. I don’t entirely know what this entailed but from a far it seemed to involve being unemployed, sponging off his family and girlfriend and not washing very often.

Over the past 12-18 months this has escalated, he decided to become a practising ‘witch’ and started believing some peculiar things. It didn’t really worry me as it seemed to involve a lot of meditation and being kind to people and the planet so each to their own and it’s not harming anyone. Other than maybe DD because his communities and training seemed to occupy him so much he saw even less of her.

Heard not a peep from him over last Xmas, he didn’t send so much as a message over her birthday.

Then after lockdown lifted he started showing a renewed interest in seeing her. Still not a lot or regularly, he’s seen her about 5 times since then but for him that’s a lot.

Since then he has been imparting his ‘wisdom’ on DD with his, I’ll try to be nice, non mainstream views. DD has started getting into witchcraft and tarot cards etc off the back of this. I’ve again let it largely go by the by as experimenting.

Since she last saw him though she’s been going on about ‘the great awakening’ and preparing for this. I presumed it was something to do with the witchcraft as it coincides with the winter solstice.

But I’ve done a bit of digging and it isn’t. It’s actually an end of the world conspiracy. Ex believes there will be an enlightenment and that those who believe and have the prepared for the awakening will ascend to a higher consciousness. His preparations have included something that involves looking inside yourself and he believes it has caused him to uncover dark memories from his childhood which have caused him to have a mental breakdown. But is going ahead with his preparations. He believes he is a star being descended from Nordic aliens or something.

I’m getting really concerned he’s clearly not in his right mind, he’s been sending long rambly barely comprehensible messages to DD but she’s absorbing it all and believes a lot of it. I’m concerned this ‘ascension’ could involve something extreme or damaging. It’s almost like a cult and regardless of what I do or don’t believe in I’m very concerned about DD getting sucked into this stuff. I don’t like it, I’ve got a sick feeling in my stomach when I read some of the stuff he’s been sending her.

I just want to know what others might do in my shoes?

My gut tells me to keep her well away from him and cut the contact out.

Sounds like a cult. I would be worried. It’s worrying because it sounds like your DD is buying into some of it.

See if there are any organisations that can help families who have or fear that they have a family member involved in a cult.

I think you should stop contact, op. Alarm bells are ringing. I'm sorry to put it so starkly, but I would be concerned that there is a suicide element to the day of 'awakening'

These people run a support group for people and their families who have been involved in cults and in the UK. They might be helpful to contact:
www.thefamilysurvivaltrust.org/what-is-a-cult

Just saw the latest update. You've already done what I would've advised... I'd keep doing what you've been doing. Keep the lines of communication as open as you can, but be aware that she may not tell you everything.

Again, I'd try to keep their contact to a minimum until this "awakening" date has come and gone, if at all possible. Even if it means manufacturing reasons why she can't go. And I'd seek expert advice, though I'm not even sure where to begin...

Have you heard about the People’s Temple and they all committed suicide on mass

Exactly what I was thinking when you said great awakening. Sounds a lot like a cult to me OP.

Thank you for the link goldenhedgehogs I’ll check it out

Bear in mind if the NSPCC are concerned they will refer to social services. Know this from working in SS and receiving regular referrals.

And i will keep DD well clear of seeing him before or on the ‘awakening’, even just for my own peace of mind. As I say he doesn’t see her regularly so it would not be unusual for him to go weeks or months without seeing her.

DD is usually very sensible and logical, and mature for her age. Empathetic and considerate. However, as I’ve already said, it all seems to go out the window when it comes to her father. She laps up and goes along with anything he says. She wants the love, approval and acceptance of her absent father. You don’t need a psychology degree to see that.

You need to speak to a cult specialist (not sure if they have them here). It’s almost like a form of grooming - getting them tied into the beliefs etc.

I would be worried - they have a set date etc.

I think you're right to be concerned. You may be catastrophising but if your gut is telling you something is wrong, go with it.

The NSPCC is a good first port of call. They will have their finger on the pulse of different activist groups that pose a risk and those that simply fall in to the category of odd. They will refer it on to SS if they feel your daughter is at risk but also if your daughter's sibling is at risk. It may also be worth chatting with your daughter's school to alert them of your worries.

I think you are right to be concerned OP. I think speaking to NSPCC is a good first port of call, they should be able to advice you what steps to take next.

It's a big IG trend right now, also YouTube channels like Landria Onkka. It's not an end of the world thing, they believe we are ascending as a collective spirit into the next level of raised consciousness, or something, and it just involves everything being a bit nicer and less pain and suffering in the world.

This kind of thing

It's a bit silly, but honestly harmless. Be the change you want to see and raise your vibration type stuff. Unless there are other things that concern you about him, I wouldn't worry.

I would trust your gut. At the same time I think you need to keep your DD on side. So I would maybe acknowledge any parts of his beliefs that you can..for example, that there are some serious problems with capitalism, that it can be beneficial to be in touch with your spirituality, that her dad is able to see things differently and that this can be a positive thing... but then be straightforward that you are concerned about the great awakening stuff, and maybe contextualise how beliefs like this often arise and why. The aim would be that hopefully your DD will understand your intervention and go along with any distancing that's necessary for the time being, while also feeling that you still respect and support her relationship with her dad and respect her dad's beliefs to an extent.

Thanks Buntys I have spent all day watching YouTube videos and reading various things. And I see what you mean there is a lot of harmless stuff which he has been into for a while and it is about cleansing and being more enlightened and making the world a better place. Which I’m all for.

He has been on this path and into these things for a few years and it’s not bothered me (other than I would prefer if he did want to channel his energy into anything it would be being a better dad).

Something has shifted though, I can’t put my finger on it, it’s something in the way he is talking, his mental health appearing to deteriorate even at his own admission that is making me worry.

Maybe these things are all well and good and harmless, but bring that together with someone mentally unwell and he could misinterpret the ‘awakening/enlightenment/ascension’.

I would maybe also talk to DD's school. Similar age DD has looked at cults in school so maybe some PSHE/core RS sessions on cults would help. They sometimes pay morextra attention to teachers and it will seem less personal between you and ex if they also discuss it.

He sounds like an absolute tool. I'd keep DD well clear.

Have you spoken to his partner at all?

From what I can gather, the 'awakening' is what the followers of Qanon believe in, along with a whole range of daft conspiracy theories, and anti mask wearing, anti vax etc etc. so you may want to take a closer look at them if you haven't already.
Qanon is associated with the far right groups in the US but seems to be gaining ground here too.
Friends and family often seem to think the follower is mentally ill (I'm not saying they are or aren't) and it does seem to be cultlike.
I think it would be useful to make your DD's school aware of it, as the indoctrination may be considered a safeguarding issue

I haven’t spoken to his partner it’s not really a line of communication that is open.

In the New Age milieu these great awakening type events happen every few years. Loads of people fantasize and talk endlessly about astrological/spiritual/mystical personal and global happenings. The date comes and goes, tens or hundreds of thousands of people congregate at various 'sacred sites', stonehenge, the pyramids etc, and meditate or celebrate in new age type ceremonies, which people just make up, and nothing much actually happens.

There was the Harmonic Convergence in 1987, then the big fuss about 2012 which was something to do with the Mayan calendar.

This Great Awakening sounds similar .... the language and promises the same, with endless predictions ..... "there will be an enlightenment and that those who believe and have the prepared for the awakening will ascend to a higher consciousness." Some people inevitably think these 'awakenings' herald the start of a New Age, the same new age that has been anticipated for at least the last 150 years!

Most of what goes on can't be described as sinister, just an awful lot of meditation and crystals etc, and endless predictions, but people who are mentally vulnerable, taking it all literally, and seriously, can be vulnerable to being influenced too much by self styled gurus, shamen, self appointed spiritual 'leaders' (there are so many of them), or (like your Ex) can simply become so swept up in it all their general stability can suffer.

It’s not Qanon although I have looked into it and could be linked. He is anti COVID, doesn’t believe in it, thinks it’s a conspiracy, refuses to wear a mask etc but this group and he believes he is descended from Nordic aliens

The thing would concern me is if he’s referring to some suicide thing when he says “higher consciousness”.

Is it worth talking to him? Certainly I would go with your gut and keep them apart if possible.

Sorry to be blunt but would he have the means to commit suicide and take your DD with him? This is something to consider. If there is a risk I would try and find a way to cut contact for now, even if it means making excuses to avoid pushback.

The winter solstice this year coincides with a relatively unusual astronomical event that is of great significance to pagans, wiccans, astrologers et al. I wouldn't have concerns about any of that. As pp have said, it's a belief system like any other and in terms of how it's generally being interpreted in those circles, not a cause for worry per se, even if it's not your bag. However, I think that how he's reacting to it, and the kinds of imagery he's invoking, and his unwillingness to discuss it with you are all quite abnormal. It's possible to have alternative belief systems and be mentally unwell, and that would be my worry and suspicion. I think it's natural, and appropriate, that you're concerned for your DD, given all of this. The combination of his 'Disney dad' status (sporadic contact recently increased) with what I see as relatively clear evidence of instability is a worry, and I think she's a tricky age in that she's old enough to make choices and defy decisions you make if she doesn't like them, but not really emotionally mature enough to see the red flags herself.

In your shoes, I'd do some internet reading about the great conjunction of jupiter and saturn on 21 December so that you know how it's being discussed in astronomy, astrology and alternative circles (they will differ widely!) and so that you can explain to her the difference between that and the more apocalyptic tone he seems to be taking. That way you can inoculate yourself against accusations of 'not understanding', prejudice against her DF's worldview etc. Then I would talk to her in terms of concern for her DF's wellbeing, mental illness, instability triggered by recovered memories perhaps, etc, with the aim of helping her see that however interesting his lifestyle may seem, he himself is fragile. Also, that she can care about him without taking on all of his beliefs and habits (particularly if in the past you've tried to protect her by discouraging her from feeling too close to him.) If his interest in her is sporadic, I would capitalise on that by not facilitating contact unnecessarily for now, and keep her busy with Christmas plans, contact with other family, friends etc. I would make sure she is not with him for the solstice period so that if some self-destructive event is in his mind she's well out of it. YANBU to worry.

Fyi, you can see Jupiter and Saturn with the naked eye in the southern sky in the early evening atm. If you were to observe them together and do some astronomy reading, it might be a good way for your DD to see that there's a saner way to enjoy the magic of the universe than what her DF is currently putting in front of her. There's a fab astronomy utility at stellarium.org that will tell you exactly what you can see in the night sky in front of you. Sorry to be a geek. And sorry for the essay.

@JCWildWest personally, I would go straight to NSPCC for a discussion and then SS if they advised it. I wouldn't be wasting any more time doing 'research' as you can't guess what branch of crazy he is following and I don't think you need to. You can, hopefully, protect your daughter as she has you but their child has no one else. The safe guarding training I receive in my professional capacity is report everything, no matter how small, as yours could be the missing jigsaw piece that triggers an investigation and saves a child's life.