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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice for my dd on how to turn a boy down?

68 replies

Katesometimeslate · 07/11/2020 17:14

Hi,
Dd16 is in a bit of a tricky situation with a very nice boy in her year. They are friendly and have met up a few times to walk dogs together in the local woods. She has been told that he apparently has a bit of a crush on her and he has been asking her to go on these dog walks quite a few times this half term. Now she does like him as a casual friend but doesn’t fancy meeting up with him pretty much everyday and also doesn’t want to lead him on if he indeed does like her but as he’s not exactly asking her out on a date or anything she’s finding it very hard to turn him down. She has tried taking a long time to reply and has thrown excuses in about why she can’t go but he just tries again the next day. How can she turn him down in this awkward situation where he hasn’t explicitly said he’s interested in her romantically?

OP posts:
raspberryk · 07/11/2020 17:19

Sorry I’m going with my Mum/meeting another friend today, I’ll text you when I’m next free.

Original poster
Katesometimeslate · 07/11/2020 17:20

raspberryk yes she’s given that one a go at least 3 times now but he unfortunately doesn’t seem to get the message

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 07/11/2020 17:22

On the next walk comment "sorry I was 5min late meeting today, my mum was grilling me about whether you're my boyfriend because we meet up a lot but I explained you're just a really good friend and it isn't like that". That way he doesn't have to ask, he just knows, and she can keep being his friend

Original poster
Katesometimeslate · 07/11/2020 17:25

newmumatlast yes that sounds good- I’ll pass onto her thank you

OP posts:
KathySelden · 07/11/2020 17:28

Id like to make clear that I like you as a friend but not as anything more. I know some people are being silly about us and wanted to make my feelings clear. I am happy with being friends and to carry on walking the dogs together.

We need to teach kids to be straight up about things

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 07/11/2020 17:28

If she does want to keep seeing him as a friend then don't make excuses or fob him off- just tell him when she does want to see him and if he asks her in the meantime say 'not today but ill see you on x day'. If she doesn't want to keep seeing him as a friend then tell him straight. This is a really good chance to teach her to communicate her wishes directly, gently, politely, but directly. Dating would be so much easier if we were all taught to just say what we want/ don't want.

PicsInRed · 07/11/2020 17:32

Xkcd always gets right to the heart of the matter:

xkcd.com/513/

This is a strategy used by controlling, but less automatically charming men to force a relationship. By occupying all her time, and being ever "present", these men also repel other men the woman may otherwise be interested in from approaching her.

She should NOT allow this boy to railroad her into a relationship by badgering for unplatonic time together. She owes him neither a relationship, nor even her time.

Pogmella · 07/11/2020 17:34

Yes agree it’s better not to make excuses (and a good life skill for DD to learn now). ‘I just don’t fancy it today’ ‘I’d prefer to go alone and get some headspace but it would be good to see you another time’.

HowManyToes · 07/11/2020 23:36

@KathySelden

Id like to make clear that I like you as a friend but not as anything more. I know some people are being silly about us and wanted to make my feelings clear. I am happy with being friends and to carry on walking the dogs together.

We need to teach kids to be straight up about things

This
Love51 · 07/11/2020 23:38

She doesn't owe it to.him to protect his feelings. So long as she isn't being deliberately cruel she doesn't owe him anything.

Honeyroar · 07/11/2020 23:39

I don’t think she needs to be so brutally honest with him. She doesn’t have to give a reason. Just say she doesn’t want to meet up today, she’s busy, meeting someone else, doing other things.

Clymene · 07/11/2020 23:41

This isn't how nice men behave.

HartnellAvenue · 07/11/2020 23:45

She shouldn't feel browbeaten into going with him all the time. Can she start taking other people along on the dog walk so it's not just the two of them any more? A friend, neighbour, or even you if needs be

Aquamarine1029 · 07/11/2020 23:47

He doesn't sound like a friend to me. He is pestering her and dismisses what she's saying. It's not that he doesn't "get" it, he just doesn't care what she wants. He thinks he can work her until she changes her mind. I wouldn't want her alone with him in the woods, personally.

Lupinhere37 · 07/11/2020 23:53

Word of caution; we know of someone who had a similar situation in reverse. The girl stalked the boy via his Snapchat location, if he made an excuse not to see her, she just turned up if she could pin point where he was.

Saracen · 08/11/2020 00:15

In a similar situation I suggested to my teen:

  1. Make various excuses not to want to dog walk with him so often
  2. Mention that he feels almost like a brother to her. (In the case of a slightly older guy, say "uncle" or that he reminds her of her dad - guaranteed passion-killer to hint he is ancient!)
  3. Say how refreshing it is to be with a male friend who understands how to just be a friend without expecting the friendship to turn to romance.
evenBetter · 08/11/2020 00:18

All women need to practice saying ‘no.’ Not ‘sorry but my mate said she was going to go to the council tip and I said I would help and..lol x’ no ‘sorry, I’m going to justify myself so you can bulldoze through my excuses’, just ‘no, I won’t be there/nah, won’t be there/no, can’t.’
The boy is already disrespecting her responses, so she can reject his messages. ‘Not taking no for an answer’ is not something males should be allowed to get away with anymore.

BackforGood · 08/11/2020 00:27

Why not @Clymene ?

He has to walk the dog each day. She has to walk the dog each day, They enjoy each other's company, why on earth are you trying to make him out to be a monster, when he is asking if she wants to walk the dog that day ? Confused . My dd had a mate round the corner she used to go on dog walks with most days, because she liked their company and getting out in the fresh air with a pal rather than on her own. How is it odd to then say "What time tomorrow?" or whatever ???

If she feels he does have a crush / would like it to turn into something more, then he still hasn't done anything wrong, but I think using one of the 'clearly stating her thinking to him' suggestions such as @KathySelden 's above, is the best thing.
Then he knows where she stands and everything is clear.

TomNooksBalanceBook · 08/11/2020 00:33

How about no not today. No need for apologies or excuses. She doesn’t owe him an explanation. If she doesn’t want to at all the she need to say so clearly.

Don’t use language like leasing him on either that’s an awful concept to teach a young woman.

IdblowJonSnow · 08/11/2020 00:48

Agree, she's not leading him on.
At their ages there is every chance he realizes shes not as keen as he is but is too 'nice' to say so.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/11/2020 00:52

If she wants to continue dog walking with him, then 'not today, let's walk on Tuesday' (or whenever) is clear and direct. If he texts the next day then it's 'no, I told you we would walk on Tuesday, are you deaf or what?'

If she doesn't want to walk with him at all then 'I don't want to walk the dogs with you, I prefer to be on my own.' I absolutely do not believe in making girls responsible for boys' behaviour, but she does need to be direct and clear.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 08/11/2020 01:10

I think she should just be upfront with him—I do enjoy going for the occasional walk with you but am busy talking to other friends and family, sorry I won’t be able to do this with you regularly—do want to stay friends but not looking to spend lots of time with you.

A bit Hmm at the posters who seem to think the OP’s statement is suggesting he might be an abuser—he seems like a perfectly normal kid. Best for her to just communicate with him fairly straightforward now, and next time when they do meet to make clear at some point she doesn’t like him in a crush way (maybe by mentioning that she likes someone else, or by telling him how she sees him).

bambooplant · 08/11/2020 01:13

Your daughter doesn’t need to do anything. He needs to learn to take no for an answer. He’s already made your daughter feel uncomfortable by ignoring her feelings bout the situation, so she should have no problem with potentially hurting his.

user1473878824 · 08/11/2020 01:20

He hasn’t even said he fancies her, she just knows he does through other people. Can we stop making a teenage boy out to be some huge villain who is clearly an abuser in the making? Ffs.

I think managing to get into conversation that she doesn’t think of him like that is the best way to do it, to save either of them ant embarrassment and she can go back to enjoying spending time with him without having to worry he thinks she thinks it’s anything else.

Catsup · 08/11/2020 01:26

Go with the old.... 'Thanks but I'm really busy right now. I'll let you know if I'm free, and see if you are too 🙂'.

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