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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice for my dd on how to turn a boy down?

68 replies

Katesometimeslate · 07/11/2020 17:14

Hi,
Dd16 is in a bit of a tricky situation with a very nice boy in her year. They are friendly and have met up a few times to walk dogs together in the local woods. She has been told that he apparently has a bit of a crush on her and he has been asking her to go on these dog walks quite a few times this half term. Now she does like him as a casual friend but doesn’t fancy meeting up with him pretty much everyday and also doesn’t want to lead him on if he indeed does like her but as he’s not exactly asking her out on a date or anything she’s finding it very hard to turn him down. She has tried taking a long time to reply and has thrown excuses in about why she can’t go but he just tries again the next day. How can she turn him down in this awkward situation where he hasn’t explicitly said he’s interested in her romantically?

OP posts:
Graphista · 08/11/2020 02:29

Sounds like you could BOTH do with training in assertive communication...and maybe feminism?

"X amount of times/y days suit me better to be honest. I'm not interested in meeting up as often as you've suggested it doesn't suit me"

"I just wanted to let you know I value our friendship but I'm not interested in it becoming anything more"

Clear, concise, unapologetic language is what we should be teaching our dds.

They do not exist to meet boys/men's needs and don't need to feel responsible or guilty if that means rejecting boys/men we aren't attracted to.

To be honest if he gets more pushy I'd be considering contacting his parents as THEY should be teaching HIM to understand and respond appropriately to a rejection too! That doesn't mean he is being portrayed as an abuser but that he needs guidance on social skills with particular reference to social consent, good manners and an understanding and respect for the FACT that as a boy/man he is responsible for treating women and girls with respect for their wishes.

@PicsInRed Is spot on she owes him nothing.

Does she even want to remain friends really? She is allowed to choose her friends and who she spends time with.

Bit worrying she's 16 and you've seemingly not addressed any of this with her.

Spiritual autonomy is as important as bodily autonomy.

Your own internalised misogyny is seeping through your post!

a very nice boy nice accordion to dd or you? Based on what? Because his behaviour doesn't seem that nice to me

doesn’t want to lead him where has she learnt this idea and language from? Because your using it here suggests you believe in this "theory" too that women have the power to control men into being attracted to them, but not the power to reject them

She has tried taking a long time to reply and has thrown excuses in about why she can’t go but he just tries again the next day. How can she turn him down in this awkward situation where he hasn’t explicitly said he’s interested in her romantically?

All really strongly suggests you have never had any conversation with her as to how to deal with such a situation nor have even really considered it yourself as being a potential scenario for her.

I was talking to my dd about this stuff when she was 11/12!

This (tweet in pic) was floating around a while back, don't know if genuine but the sentiment is right!

Not enough boys being taught to heed the word NO!

To ask for advice for my dd on how to turn a boy down?
Warpdrive · 08/11/2020 05:10

I'm not sure you can call it internalised misogyny - I was reading it like OP was used to the (very peculiarly English I find) style of communication thats so subtle it takes an experienced handler to understand it... which is borne out of kindness and respect. Typically we don't want to cause embarrassment from an overt rejection so the message is disguised with the intention that its recognised and understood, but the recipient's sense of dignity remains intact.
On this occasion the young man has either a) not understood the message or b) refuses to hear it. Its impossible to say which.

Agree that OP does need to ask her DD to switch to a clearer communication style and there are some good ideas in the thread.

hashbrownsandwich · 08/11/2020 05:17

I think the dog needs to develop an ailment for a week or so.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 08/11/2020 05:23

You are lovely person and I enjoy walking the dogs but I don’t want to walk the dogs every day with you and I’m not looking for a romantic relationship with you just so we are clear as people / my mum have been saying that is what you are after.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 08/11/2020 05:25

The style of language where you are so polite that you expect the other person to get the hint doesn’t really work in this situation.

makingmammaries · 08/11/2020 06:04

Does she have a (preferably annoying) friend she could bring along on the walks?

Pogmella · 08/11/2020 07:41

I’m not sure that style of language is do much peculiarly English as peculiarly feminine. She should just tell him she doesn’t want to every day.

SocialBees · 08/11/2020 07:47

I agree with previous posters that we should teach our daughters to be clear and firm and not give them the message that it is their job to protect the boy's feelings. She needs to think about how often she wants to see him and not be persuaded to go any more frequently than that. And also a message saying "I think there have been some rumours about us, so I just wanted to say that I like you as a friend but nothing more".

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 08/11/2020 07:55

Does she actually like him as a friend or have things become awkward now?
If she does enjoy his company then maybe she can tell him shes available to meet up a couple of days a week only , she doesnt need to explain why . Ie . I'll meet you Tuesdays and Thursdays. That might cool his ardour !
Totally normal at this age , crushes ,unrequited love etc
Only on mn can a 16 year old kid become Hannibal Lecter in the space of 4 posts .

flaviaritt · 08/11/2020 07:59

He just sounds over-keen. She should tell him she’s seeing someone.

flaviaritt · 08/11/2020 08:00

Only on mn can a 16 year old kid become Hannibal Lecter in the space of 4 posts

Yep.

D4rwin · 08/11/2020 08:12

She's been told that he has a crush on her? By otherc16 year olds? Oh please they're still at the age of thinking boys and girls have to fancy each other if they spend five minutes talking.

Carry on as normal and cross each bridge as you come to it. If he does fancy her and has chosen not to act, that's his call. Don't trash his privacy. If he doesn't fancy her then she's going to feel uncomfortable if she says something.

At the moment it's shroedingers cat.

D4rwin · 08/11/2020 08:14

And why on earth are people suggesting making this into a group outing during lockdown. But I guess it will certainly serve to put him off if he's expecting to get fined.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/11/2020 08:20

Well the trick when I was that age was to drop in how glad you are to have such a good friend and ignore the glaring crush. And if he ever asks her out then say that you're too good friends and I dont think of you like that sorry.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 08/11/2020 08:41

She doesn't need an excuse.
Not today thanks. Then leave it.
If he keeps badgering her as to why. Turn it back on him.
"Why are you pushing this? I said not today thanks, I'm not walking today"
See how nice he really is. The earlier she learns to say no to anyone not just men, without having to have an excuse the better.
Unlearn the people pleasing.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/11/2020 08:58

Are you in England? If so suggestions of someone joining aren't permitted until December.

I would go with something along the lines of the mum was grilling me, but I told her you're just a friend first, and then save the more robust stuff for if that doesn't work.

Joeblack066 · 08/11/2020 09:15

@KathySelden

Id like to make clear that I like you as a friend but not as anything more. I know some people are being silly about us and wanted to make my feelings clear. I am happy with being friends and to carry on walking the dogs together.

We need to teach kids to be straight up about things

This. She is not obliged to be his g/f and therefore doesn’t need to protect his feelings when she tells him they are friends only. You are absolutely right when you say we must teach our kids to be straight up about things.
Ponoka7 · 08/11/2020 09:28

"He just sounds over-keen. She should tell him she’s seeing someone."

Then he'll hang around waiting until she's single again and it reinforces the message that we are fair game unless taken by another man.

As said, all this shit needs to be gotten rid of.

Valkadin · 08/11/2020 09:33

Please do not teach your DD to be overly nice, it’s why many women get in to awful situations all their lives.

She needs to just say I’m not coming out today no made up excuses just straight up.

Kazplus2 · 08/11/2020 09:35

How about....really busy this week but could do Sunday (assuming he asks on a Monday) so really pushing the dates out so it's only once or twice a week..

Tunnocks34 · 08/11/2020 09:40

Is this about her not wanting to walk the dogs with him at all, or not wanting to walk the dogs with him incase he feels it’s something more.

If she doesn’t want to walk the dogs at all - then she just says every time he texts ‘I don’t fancy it. Thanks though’

If it’s about her worrying he’s perceiving it more ‘I just want to clarify, before we walk the dogs, that I only think of you as a friend, and don’t want anything more with you. People are starting to mention things and I just want to be clear’

He sounds like a perfectly normal boy. Texting daily again, is perfectly normal - I text my sister every time I walk my own dogs. If she says yes she’ll join great, if she says no then I say no problem, have a nice day. I probably then text her next time I walk my dog see if she fancies it then.

LannieDuck · 08/11/2020 09:47

Now she does like him as a casual friend but doesn’t fancy meeting up with him pretty much everyday and also doesn’t want to lead him on if he indeed does like her but as he’s not exactly asking her out on a date or anything she’s finding it very hard to turn him down.

Gosh, flashbacks! I had this with someone when I was a teen. I'm pretty sure he was interested in me, but he never came out and said it and instead tried to engineer situations that put us together. I was really awkward about finding reasons not to all the time (like your DD, I wanted to be his friend but didn't want him to get the wrong idea). I must have looked slightly crazy and unreasonable to our mutual friends.

Once I got to university and got a bit more confidence, he happened to email me and ask if I wanted to meet up when I was back home, and I finally had the confidence to be direct with him. I said that I couldn't tell if he was asking me out, but if he was I didn't think of him that way... however I'd like to meet up as friends. Reader, I never heard from him again.

OP - please tell your DD just to be straight with him. Kind, but clear. No excuses, just stating what she does / doesn't want. Her feelings are just as valid and important as his. He's putting pressure on her to accept a situation she doesn't want, ignoring her signals that he's making her uncomfortable, and that's not something she needs to accept.

legalseagull · 08/11/2020 09:48

I can't believe some people are making this poor boy out to be such a monster. He doesn't know she doesn't like him. I also think expecting a teenage girl to have the confidence of an adult is unrealistic. I'd be advising "I've heard rumours about us. I can't believe people think that when we're obviously just friends!" That way she isn't embarrassed or worried that maybe it's not true ans he doesn't fancy her

LannieDuck · 08/11/2020 09:50

I like Tunnock's suggestion above:

I just want to clarify, before we walk the dogs, that I only think of you as a friend, and don’t want anything more with you. People are starting to mention things and I just want to be clear

Maybe add on the end "I do enjoy walking the dogs with you and want to carry on if we're both on the same page?".... assuming she does actually want to carry on doing it with him.

Chapterx · 08/11/2020 09:52

@PicsInRed oh my, that’s very accurate! The “friend zone” idea is horrible and led to my friends and I doing things we regret because it was the expectation of the man and they were very persistent.