Who is unreasonable, him or her in the following....

[HusbandVsMother]

Regular user but name changed for this.

For the record, I love both my husband and mother dearly but I also know both their faults. I'm lucky in that my mum and DH generally get on really well and love each other also.

My mother is to be frank, two faced and will never ever ever ever admit she's wrong or apologise. She will talk about other family members and criticise them no end, but is sweet as pie to their face. A classic example, one of my relatives recently turned 80. Now, I have a small family being mum, uncle, aunt & uncle and their two kids. All over the age of 40. Mum is part of the family by marriage to by now deceased father. The elder members of the family always go out for meals together and the aunt turned 80. An expensive meal was arranged. Mum and uncle (aunts brother) were left out despite always having been invited to birthdays before. Uncle was so upset about it that he still doesn't speak to Aunt. In fact he refused to go out for a meal just the four of them as it was a consolation prize in his view. Mum went on and on about it for days about how it was wrong - but still speaks to them on the phone and is now going to theirs for Christmas. Not once has she let them know how she feels.

Contrast this with DH - in the same scenario, he would refuse to have anything to do with his sister until she apologised. His fault is he can be stubborn and often cuts his nose off to spite his face. He regularly calls me mum two faced. I just go along with it because its how she's always been (my dad was a doormat) and I'm used to it.

So, that was just to illustrate the type of people we are dealing with.

Last night, talking on the phone as we do daily...... DH was telling mum about his day at work. This is something she is genuinely interested in and always asks to hear about. Four sentences after he started speaking she said "Sorry to interrupt but I can't believe how people around here can afford all the fireworks going off". At that point DH passed the phone back to me and said, you talk to her I'm not anymore. When we finished on the phone he kept going on about how she was being ignorant. Which she was but its her.

That was completely irrelevant to the conversation and did not need to be said then, She has form for talking over you and interrupting - its like she gets a brain fart and what ever it is has to be said right there an then.

She seem to think that because she said "Sorry to interrupt" its ok. I've tried explaining to her that it pisses me off as well as its as thought what your saying is not important enough for her to listen to - especially when its something not even connected to the conversation. All she says is "Well I'm sorry I'm not perfect" in a very sarcastic tone of voice.

She's 76 but has all her mental faculties so dementia is not the issue. Although that is her get out clause for everything "Its my age, its my age"

DH will calm down eventually but I'm worried that one day he won't when she pushes his buttons. Talking over people is the one thing he can't stand along with three way conversations i.e. I'm talking to you on the phone but you start in the background talking to someone else about something. If he's on the phone to his sister and she starts shouting at her kids he just hangs up.

I think it bothers me more because when I was with ExDH - my mother and him hated each other and it was horrible. I like the fact that both of them get on but at some point, one of them is going to push the other two far.

I'm not putting voting on because I can't work out which side is which - just wanted some thoughts on who is being most unreasonable - my guess is both

There does come a point where constant interrupting and complete change of subject gets annoying, it makes me feel like what I was saying was irrelevant or boring. That’s fine if it is, but after repeatedly getting interrupted I would want to end the conversation too, as unsure why I should suddenly pick up on what the interrupter has decided is more important, as they’ve hardly done it in a subtle way. It is fairly rude and sometimes people need to be more self aware. If your hubby has put up with this for a long time, I can see why he may be at the end of his tether.

Four sentences about anyone else's job would be more than enough for me. He does sound like a self-important twat.

Your DH is a dick.

And it’s not two faced to be upset about something but realize that it doesn’t matter enough to cause a scene. Your mum is being a grown up.

Did I mention your DH is a dick?

If you can’t be bothered to stick up for her, send her my way, she sounds fab.

Your DH is a right tantrumming, entitled sulker, isn't he? And you placate him, just as you have learned to do with all your family.

You are just like your mother. Your DH is a dick. You should say what you feel to his face.

Your husband obviously thinks he is so important that everybody must dedicate their entire focus and attention solely in him, like a four year old would. I don't even tell my husband four sentences about my day at work unless something unusual or funny happened. However, he bores on and on and expects your mother to silently listen on the other end of the phone and let him. I bet every time she tries to change the subject he either takes offense or loses interest rapidly and obviously. He sounds completely unaware of others around him and their needs/wants. He sounds like a rude, arrogant, self-important bore.

At 76 , your mum's world is shrinking and so she may well be more concerned about immediate concerns rather than first world problems.
You need to understand this.
Your back story of various relatives and what they said and did is irrelevant.
Listen to your mum.
I think your husband was rude and you need to do a bit of googling to find out out what it's like to be your mum's age.
Your mum is going to find it harder to accept things that younger people think is normal.

I'm with your husband. Your mother is ridiculous and incredibly rude.Your father is not the only doormat and enabler. Phone calls daily? If you want to deal with your mother than you deal with your mother. Don't make your husband deal with her

Her mother is being rude and thus has nothing to do with age. Her world will keep getting smaller because people stop putting up.with your BS. Always interrupting people is not age related. Its freaking rude. She wants to hear about DH's work daily so why interuppt to comment on people being able to afford things...Why is she wasting his time?

You all sound like bloody hard work, OP.

@HusbandVsMother
STTE
Your oh is rude, ignorant and the things you describe make me concerned for you, that he will manipulate these situations to his own end.

What your mum and his sister do is normal. His behaviour is abnormal.

The way he character assassinates her is so sad, that you let it happen.

You say she's 2 faced, I say talking about scenarios is not 2 faced. Talking about how hurt you are but not wanting to address this as they're her only link to her husband and family is how someone vulnerable would react.

This whole situation is so very sad. She's vulnerable. But instead of being shown love, she's shown contempt.

Shame on him, but more shame on you in letting him treat your mother in this way. You've already chosen him. But you do have time make reparations and stop this awful behaviour.

I don't think your Mum was two faced in the meal situation. She has a very small family, she doesn't want to fall out with them. She is rightly hurt but only in Real Housewives does every annoyance have to be discussed openly. It is possible to be pissed off with someone but not bring it up with them.

Your husband seems to think the world revolves around him and you seem to spend a lot of time catering to his moods. Did he tell your mum he was annoyed with her or did he just leave you to explain?

The bunch of you sound like petty schoolkids. Bloody hell.