Who is unreasonable, him or her in the following....

[HusbandVsMother]

Regular user but name changed for this.

For the record, I love both my husband and mother dearly but I also know both their faults. I'm lucky in that my mum and DH generally get on really well and love each other also.

My mother is to be frank, two faced and will never ever ever ever admit she's wrong or apologise. She will talk about other family members and criticise them no end, but is sweet as pie to their face. A classic example, one of my relatives recently turned 80. Now, I have a small family being mum, uncle, aunt & uncle and their two kids. All over the age of 40. Mum is part of the family by marriage to by now deceased father. The elder members of the family always go out for meals together and the aunt turned 80. An expensive meal was arranged. Mum and uncle (aunts brother) were left out despite always having been invited to birthdays before. Uncle was so upset about it that he still doesn't speak to Aunt. In fact he refused to go out for a meal just the four of them as it was a consolation prize in his view. Mum went on and on about it for days about how it was wrong - but still speaks to them on the phone and is now going to theirs for Christmas. Not once has she let them know how she feels.

Contrast this with DH - in the same scenario, he would refuse to have anything to do with his sister until she apologised. His fault is he can be stubborn and often cuts his nose off to spite his face. He regularly calls me mum two faced. I just go along with it because its how she's always been (my dad was a doormat) and I'm used to it.

So, that was just to illustrate the type of people we are dealing with.

Last night, talking on the phone as we do daily...... DH was telling mum about his day at work. This is something she is genuinely interested in and always asks to hear about. Four sentences after he started speaking she said "Sorry to interrupt but I can't believe how people around here can afford all the fireworks going off". At that point DH passed the phone back to me and said, you talk to her I'm not anymore. When we finished on the phone he kept going on about how she was being ignorant. Which she was but its her.

That was completely irrelevant to the conversation and did not need to be said then, She has form for talking over you and interrupting - its like she gets a brain fart and what ever it is has to be said right there an then.

She seem to think that because she said "Sorry to interrupt" its ok. I've tried explaining to her that it pisses me off as well as its as thought what your saying is not important enough for her to listen to - especially when its something not even connected to the conversation. All she says is "Well I'm sorry I'm not perfect" in a very sarcastic tone of voice.

She's 76 but has all her mental faculties so dementia is not the issue. Although that is her get out clause for everything "Its my age, its my age"

DH will calm down eventually but I'm worried that one day he won't when she pushes his buttons. Talking over people is the one thing he can't stand along with three way conversations i.e. I'm talking to you on the phone but you start in the background talking to someone else about something. If he's on the phone to his sister and she starts shouting at her kids he just hangs up.

I think it bothers me more because when I was with ExDH - my mother and him hated each other and it was horrible. I like the fact that both of them get on but at some point, one of them is going to push the other two far.

I'm not putting voting on because I can't work out which side is which - just wanted some thoughts on who is being most unreasonable - my guess is both

I can't get my head around your DH speaking to your mum every day tbh, my DH loves my mum but he wouldn't speak to get every day.

I don’t understand who exactly went to the meal.
Was it the auntie, uncle and 2 cousins who are immediate family? Who then didn’t invite your mum and other uncle?

Based on just the phone call . I would say your husband was being rude. It may have been an off the cuff remark from your mother and interrupted the conversation , but for your husband to show off and say im not talking to her now sounds childish .

I also think that your husband is too rigid and doesn't allow for communication styles, age (I'm aware that I'm starting to do what your Mother does and sometimes if I don't say something when I think of it I forget it), also family life. You can't always ignore others while on the phone.

But you admit yourself that he's stubborn and cuts his nose off to spite his face which is a terrible way to be and it's awful having to deal with people like him. It sounds as though he's schooling you to his way of thinking and you need to guard against that.

The meal is a red herring, it's only setting the scene, so to speak.
Your DH is a childish twat.

I think on balance your husband is being unreasonable. Your mum is a bit irritating but nothing more. Your husband sounds over dramatic and unforgiving. If me or my husband talk over each other - which does sometimes happen even to the best of us eg something I've been forgetting to tell him for days that's popped into my head, that's now urgent and I'm worried I will forget it again, the other will just say you interrupted me, I was saying....and the other will say oh yeah sorry, and we will all move on.
Expecting a big formal apology and not talking to someone until they do so, and hanging up the phone if his sister talks to the kids is a bit overkill and almost a bit controlling - 'you must speak to me and no-one else'. And while everyone would like others undivided attention, most people would recognise it's not possible (depending on ages of kids) eg if my 2 year old needs help going to the toilet I cant ignore that just because I'm on the phone

With Your background info she sounds like my mother.

Anyway, in this instance, your dh was very bloody rude. I imagine a firework just went off and that prompted the comment. Your dh acted like a tantruming child.

Do you often have to compromise for your dh?

Id also assume you've name changed because your dh is generally an arsehole?

So your DH got annoyed because she briefly interrupted his conversation to remark on fireworks going off in the area? That’s what this whole convoluted post is about? Well, I just wasted a few minutes of my life right there.

Your DH needs to grow up.

@LizaE

Your DH needs to grow up.

You all need to grow up.

I am your dhs twin in this. I cannot put up with 3 way conversations, people say "oh BTW...." when you're in the middle of telling them something, and it blows my brain when people are chewing whilst talking to me.

Phone etiquette 😂 so I'm team dh

Is your DH not capable of carrying on the coversation after a minor aside. He sounds like hard work and to echo everyone else discussing your work day with your MIL every day is just weird even if he has the world's most interesting job it's still strange

I can't stand drama, your family would wear me out

Omg so much drama! Everyone immature and silly. I dunno if I’d want to hear about someone’s work day so boring. But they are as bad as each other. And you’re only fueling it by wondering which petty, petty side to take.

Your DH is BU. He sounds very intolerant! They both need to realise life’s too short to hold such petty grudges though

Meh they are both being insufferable. I can't bear the excuses about age (unless specifically about dementia which you have clarified is not an issue). Your DM sounds very hard work like mine.

Saying that your DH is unutterably arrogant. It's one thing to dislike people talking over you but his inability to see middle grounds and throw a hissy fit by putting the phone down or handing it to you. Well its supremely unattractive. Did he want to have a tantrum and kick his legs in the floor.

They both need to behave better and honestly I'd stay out of it and tell them both to grow up.

When we finished on the phone he kept going on about how she was being ignorant. Which she was but its her
That doesn't make it ok how she treats people.

I just go along with it because its how she's always been (my dad was a doormat) and I'm used to it
YOU want to be a doormat - YOU can.
Your husband doesn't - respect that.

Your mum is NOT interested in his daily work reports - so why is he in this infantilised position of reporting in to her?

Your mum is out of order and she needs to be told - and your husband has every right to assert his opinion and boundaries.
Sounds to me like you just don't know how to manage her.

Is your husband really such a precious narcissist that he will strop and hang up if the other person on the phone becomes distracted, even for a second, by their own children? Wow. That must be exhausting to be married to.

None of this would register beyond mild annoyance in family. Admittedly the meal thing sucks but we’d talk about it, deal with it and move on. The preciousness about talking and attention is bizarre to me.

Even if your DH was a lion tamer I would not need to hear about his work daily, so I assume your mum just likes to chat about really mundane stuff. My MiL is the same and is lonely living on her own and would be delighted to talk guff to DH every day if she could. The interrupting is annoying and rude, but at least she acknowledges that she's interrupting, my mum just does it without thinking or apologising for it (and always has done) and it is infuriating.

Your DH's refusing to speak to people who have irritated him is inflexible and overbearing and I don't know how you put up with it, to be honest. I couldn't as I appreciate my DH's relaxed and tolerant approach to life. Your husband's approach is more in line with creating bad feeling and tense atmosphere, when there is just no need to. Yes, people can be annoying. No need to make a drama out of it.

she said sorry to interrupt about something that was loud and happening at her location at that time? your DH is being a bit U about it.

Based on the examples you cite, I can't see what's so terrible about your mother's behaviour. The incident with the family meal sounds much more like a case of her using you as a safety valve to talk to about how much she was hurt, but ultimately deciding to be the bigger person, not cause a family split, and not go into a mega sulk about it.

Give DH a map of the universe and show him it doesn't revolve around him.

also am i right in thinking your DH's idea of a conversation is him droing on an on and everyone has to feign interest about his great manly views? That's not how conversation works, as i keep telling my family member who is like this. It doesn't change anything, any time a "conversation" becomes a two way thing they strop off.

As I read it, a couple( aunt and uncle) went out for a meal with their own children, but your mum and uncle got offended by that, even though they were invited out on a separate occasion to celebrate the same birthday . Your mother( sensibly) doesn't cause a family rift over this complete non- issue, but your DH thinks she should have done. He them( like a total knob) takes it personally when an old lady absentmindedly interrupts to make a passing comment. He also behaves like a dick to his own sister.
Who is in the wrong, you ask??

My dm can be quite scatty and often goes off on a tangent mid conversation, but if my dh behaved like yours towards her he would no longer be my dh.

Hanging up on his sister if she speaks to her dc while he’s speaking? Your dm is not the unreasonable one here.