Received text from Ex's new girlfriend. AIBU to be thrilled that he will soon by dying of shame?

[Shameme0nce]

God, I hope she's not on here!!

EXH and I have been apart for 4 years. We were together for 12 years and we split when DD was 5. I won't go into the ins and outs of the relationship but he checked out years before the split and, while I could never prove it, I suspect he was looking around. Marriage had been rocky for a number of reasons but, ultimately, it was his decision to split.

He's always been a challenge in terms of contact and maintenance. Don't get me wrong, he's a good dad but very much of the camp that his responsibility ends the second his day is up and it has been a battle to get to the point where we are at now where DD sees him two nights each week.

He Threw strops about using annual leave to cover a portion of school holidays but is always first to 'claim' her for the fun stuff like birthdays, Christmas, Halloween etc. The man wants to make memories but not deal with the drudgery and inconvenience of day to day life (one of the many reasons we are not compatible now!). I don't let him away with this behaviour but have learned over the years when to pick my battles.

Anyhow, about 18 months on from our split, I met my DP. I was very slow to bring him into my life because of DD and he moved in with us very recently, after two and a half years together. His relationship with DD is lovely but he respects the fact he's not her dad so, while supportive of my battles with Ex, he largely keeps out of it.

I am really not sure of how many 'girlfriends' ex has had. To his credit, he's never introduced any of them to DD as they clearly weren't important enough.

He has, however, in the last few months been seeing a woman in her mid 20s.
DD seems to like her. I feel the introduction was a bit soon and unnecessary given everything else that is going on, but not much I can do about that and as long as she's kind to DD, I'm happy.

Alongside this burgeoning relationship has been a renewed interest in DD. It's nice, if a little suspect, but DD is thrilled so again I'm happy to facilitate. He's seeing her for a few extra days during the Christmas holidays which will be lovely for her.

Now bearing in mind I don't know this woman, haven't spoken to her, not been introduced, have no idea what she looks like... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to this text I got from ex's phone....

Hi Shame,
It's X. Hope u and DD r gud. Can utell her we r lking forward to seeing her on Sunday.
(Ex) told me about Xmas plans and I now it's not really my place, but I'm concernd about how much time DD is spending at our house.
I now ur busy with work but DD needs consistency and we think the going backwards n forwards so much during the week is 2 much 4 her. I know (ex) is happy to c her so much but I think we all shud sit down and work out a plan that works for us all. I feel like I never get to see (Ex) alone anymore and I now u can understand how important 1 on 1 time is at the start of a new relationship (haha!) . Mabe we cud sit down for a coffee on Sunday?

It's wrong on so, so many levels:

1. Sent from ex's number. Why do you have his phone? Also, there is ZERO chance of him ever saying anything like this.
2. Is 5 nights a week not enough one to one time? They both WFH at moment too.
3. Wtf does she mean by the haha? .
4. The mix of text speak and formal English is massively jarring. Pick one or the other. Commit, woman!
5. She wants more time to'get to know him'? She's met our child and has moved in, presumably in the space of a few months.

The best bit of all of this is that SHE thinks the additional time with DD is being driven by me when it's actually EX showboating to highlight his amazing father credentials.

It is a glorious mess and half the joy is coming from knowing that Ex is going to be so embarrassed. I can't decide what my next move should be.

Vipers, ho!

@Ideasplease322 that is priceless! Or at least the £60

Well handled OP. You know what's coming. DD will be fine. She'll see his true colours in her own time.

*at least worth

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets

brilliant - and great response from her dad!!!

oops sorry I should have tagged @Ideasplease322

You handled it really well.

I think all you can do is carry on as you are. You & DH providing her with a loving, stable, home and facilitating contact when he wants it. Sadly DD, will know in time she's not his priority, in the way she's yours, but there's nothing you can do to prevent that. He is, what he is. Unfortunately.

You’ve handled it well and have kept dignified. I really feel for your daughter.

You've handled this really well, OP. I feel for your daughter and I'm glad that she has you.

You have handled it perfectly OP.

See how things go, stick to the arrangements and gauge how DD seems and base any adjustments on her.

It sounds like the new GF has really over stepped the mark, he had been going along placating the GF with bullshit and she has took him at his word and decided to deal with you herself.

[quote BloggersBlog]@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets

brilliant - and great response from her dad!!![/quote]
Was really glad her dad was there, friend wouldn’t have responded but would have seethed for months.

Her ex was always a bit of a bragger, so assume he had been saying he pays huge maintenance, or for all I know had claimed the house was his (they hadn’t lived together and the house is 100% hers).

The girlfriend was very young, and clearly felt like she had something to prove.

I felt sorry for her at the start of the party, she was very, very dressed up while everyone else was casual. She was a good twenty years younger than us.

But then after too much wine she became loud and rude. They had been together for a few months (shockingly It didn’t last) and she genuinely thought she (a girl in her early twenties who I think worked in a bar) was paying for my doctor friend’s house.

The shitty flat she referred to both pre and post dated my friend’s relationship with the twins dad.

Think you've handled it brilliantly OP and to be honest, I can see this whole thing happening as it appears and he says.
I do know women that use their partners phones, and send a ' well meaning' text ( well meaning my arse, the jealousy over the first partner is blinding). If that's the case then it is up to him to sort, would be extremely embaressing for him and his response to you would also make sense.
I know the common mumsnet theory is that men are just financially there for their kids and cannot be good dad's if that's not the case, so it's nice to see that you base your opinion on his interaction with the child, rather than the adulting bit. It's massively frustrating that men struggle to step up to the mark, especially initially but in my experience, as a child gets older, the bloke can be more receptive and able to develop that relationship--whether it's a fear factor of a baby I don't know, but it is entirely possible that he is being extremely genuine in wanting to spend more time with DD with no ulterior motive. My ex did this, left me to it when baby/toddler/more time needing and then father of the year when DS was old enough to be entertaining. Now he absolutely worships him and would do anything for him (except maintenance but hey ho). What matters is DS feels loved by us both, has thrived into a fantastic teenager and has done us proud.
Wishing you luck for the future, and I hope it is all as it seems, I'd be surprised if the gf is around for too long without a massive attitude change on her part

@Ideasplease322

My best cheeky new gf story belongs to my best Friend.

Had twins with boyfriend, relationship didn’t last. Friend is very successful. Her ex less so. (I am being kind)

New girlfriend camE along (unexpected) to The twins birthday party Which was in friends (beautiful) home.

Gf said Loudly (after a couple of Glasses of wine) we won’t be paying for all this for much longer you know, It’s ridiculous that we live in a shitty flat while paying for you to live like this.

My friend was speechless, Her dad said if you think this house costs £60 a month you are in for a shock😂.

Was very awkward.

Ha! This is brilliant! I hope the new Gf slinked out with her tail between her legs

Good grief the gf really is spectacularly thick, isn't she? Hooking up with a man with a child in the first place when she isn't ready for that kind of set up......and then thinking that a man with whom she dreams about ditching his kid altogether is just the sort of man to plan a future with .......the mind boggles.

Yeah I never get this about any man. So many women come on here, talk about how they've met a guy who has kids, but sees them very little and doesn't pay child maintenance, so they've decided he's the guy to procreate with. Now 2-3 years later, he's fathered two more children and fucked off and they are left with the kids. But why would you assume that was the right man to begin with?

If he's blaming his ex for not seeing his kids, unless he shows you proof from court hearings where he has tried multiple times, he's lying. And even then, why has he been unsuccessful?

If he's not paying for his kids, that should really tell you everything.

If he constantly calls her psychotic and crazy, he's no doubt lying.

You might get the odd one that is actually telling the truth, but why put yourself in that situation by getting pregnant and then finding out?

Well done OP, you’re handling it really well.
Must be so tempting to go nuclear but yours is the right way

She didn’t really slink out to be honest. She gave a little flip of her head when my friends dad said it and rolled her eyes.

I can’t remember how soon after that they left, and they broke up a few months later.

I'd be interested to know how this pans out. How his conversation with his gf went. She sounds horrendous

Ah, poor bloke! There he is, trying to impress his new squeeze by being Disney Dad of the year, and it all blows up in his face, as that's not what she had in mind at all.

Let her make cupcakes.

@4ds02719 the OPs DD can make cupcakes when she gets home FFS.

@Ideasplease322

My best cheeky new gf story belongs to my best Friend.

Had twins with boyfriend, relationship didn’t last. Friend is very successful. Her ex less so. (I am being kind)

New girlfriend camE along (unexpected) to The twins birthday party Which was in friends (beautiful) home.

Gf said Loudly (after a couple of Glasses of wine) we won’t be paying for all this for much longer you know, It’s ridiculous that we live in a shitty flat while paying for you to live like this.

My friend was speechless, Her dad said if you think this house costs £60 a month you are in for a shock😂.

Was very awkward.

I had something similar with my ex's then new partner over contact.

At my DD's birthday party the heating wasn't working and she gradually gets more and more bitchy culminating in her saying "This hall is freezing. Next year when Daddy and I do your birthday... pointed look at me... because Mummy and Daddy will be taking turns on special occasions, we'll be more organised and pick somewhere nicer"

She was absolutely gobsmacked, and furious, when it was quickly (and politely) pointed out to her that we did have an agreement to take turns on special occasions, but that year was ex's year and the reason we were in a shit hall was because he'd announced with four days notice that he'd forgotten to organise anything and it was the best I could cobble together.

@Shameme0nce You've handled it really well. Just keep doing as you are doing - keep yourself right, let him make his own choices and mistakes.

If he does start playing stupid and cutting his contact then your DD wont' miss out. Children miss nothing by not spending time with people who don't want to be with them.

My girls are 18 now. One has been NC with her Dad for a few years, the other for a couple of months. I always kept a couple of random new crafty things in my wardrobe to break out when ex let them down last minute. Not so that it covered his let-down, but so it added a fun memory to a day.

Without knowing him, I believe him. It's the most plausible explanation. Rather than them cooking up some elaborate scheme to make her and you the bad guys and keep him clean. He's involved her too soon, discussed things with her too soon giving her the impression she's an equal party so she's taken on what she perceives to be "wifework" and set about arranging his life for the better for him.
Trust that he's dealing with it and stick to original plans of contact. All that matters is that your daughter loves him so he must be being a good dad while she's there and two nights a week isn't bad, it's not 50/50 but it's also not one night every other weekend like most.

He is dealing with it...
To be honest I do think thst talking, joking about some extra couple time alone is perfectly normal.
But a normal person leaves it at that! This woman is not someone I would want around my child. If I were him, she would be gone with the wind!

If I were him, she would be gone with the wind!

That will be the telling point.

If he keeps her around then either he's not as innocent as he's making out or he is the type that will prioritise his relationship with his gf over his relationship with his child and a gradual drip-drip of a cancellation here and there will begin.

If he gets rid then it shows he won't stand for it.

Of course DD enjoys going and your ex lets contact tail off that's on him not you, DD will come to her own conclusions

Bloody hell. You have handled this perfectly. YourDD is lucky to have such an instinctive mum...