Received text from Ex's new girlfriend. AIBU to be thrilled that he will soon by dying of shame?

[Shameme0nce]

God, I hope she's not on here!!

EXH and I have been apart for 4 years. We were together for 12 years and we split when DD was 5. I won't go into the ins and outs of the relationship but he checked out years before the split and, while I could never prove it, I suspect he was looking around. Marriage had been rocky for a number of reasons but, ultimately, it was his decision to split.

He's always been a challenge in terms of contact and maintenance. Don't get me wrong, he's a good dad but very much of the camp that his responsibility ends the second his day is up and it has been a battle to get to the point where we are at now where DD sees him two nights each week.

He Threw strops about using annual leave to cover a portion of school holidays but is always first to 'claim' her for the fun stuff like birthdays, Christmas, Halloween etc. The man wants to make memories but not deal with the drudgery and inconvenience of day to day life (one of the many reasons we are not compatible now!). I don't let him away with this behaviour but have learned over the years when to pick my battles.

Anyhow, about 18 months on from our split, I met my DP. I was very slow to bring him into my life because of DD and he moved in with us very recently, after two and a half years together. His relationship with DD is lovely but he respects the fact he's not her dad so, while supportive of my battles with Ex, he largely keeps out of it.

I am really not sure of how many 'girlfriends' ex has had. To his credit, he's never introduced any of them to DD as they clearly weren't important enough.

He has, however, in the last few months been seeing a woman in her mid 20s.
DD seems to like her. I feel the introduction was a bit soon and unnecessary given everything else that is going on, but not much I can do about that and as long as she's kind to DD, I'm happy.

Alongside this burgeoning relationship has been a renewed interest in DD. It's nice, if a little suspect, but DD is thrilled so again I'm happy to facilitate. He's seeing her for a few extra days during the Christmas holidays which will be lovely for her.

Now bearing in mind I don't know this woman, haven't spoken to her, not been introduced, have no idea what she looks like... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to this text I got from ex's phone....

Hi Shame,
It's X. Hope u and DD r gud. Can utell her we r lking forward to seeing her on Sunday.
(Ex) told me about Xmas plans and I now it's not really my place, but I'm concernd about how much time DD is spending at our house.
I now ur busy with work but DD needs consistency and we think the going backwards n forwards so much during the week is 2 much 4 her. I know (ex) is happy to c her so much but I think we all shud sit down and work out a plan that works for us all. I feel like I never get to see (Ex) alone anymore and I now u can understand how important 1 on 1 time is at the start of a new relationship (haha!) . Mabe we cud sit down for a coffee on Sunday?

It's wrong on so, so many levels:

1. Sent from ex's number. Why do you have his phone? Also, there is ZERO chance of him ever saying anything like this.
2. Is 5 nights a week not enough one to one time? They both WFH at moment too.
3. Wtf does she mean by the haha? .
4. The mix of text speak and formal English is massively jarring. Pick one or the other. Commit, woman!
5. She wants more time to'get to know him'? She's met our child and has moved in, presumably in the space of a few months.

The best bit of all of this is that SHE thinks the additional time with DD is being driven by me when it's actually EX showboating to highlight his amazing father credentials.

It is a glorious mess and half the joy is coming from knowing that Ex is going to be so embarrassed. I can't decide what my next move should be.

Vipers, ho!

Had she deleted the text from his phone then OP? Could he not see it on your message timeline? If so....her bad!

Has your Ex returned your call yet ? If he didn't know that she sent it, it's probably caused a furious row now that he does know .

Regardless of who actually sent the text, someone there is starting to get resentful of your DDs visits. This must be a huge worry for you.

The best scenario is the CGF (current girl friend) is the texter as hopefully your Exh has your DDs best interests at heart and won’t allow CGF to come between him and DD. If it is her I would be strongly pushing for her to be out of the picture for future visits. It’s not healthy having someone there resenting your DDs presence.

If Exh is the texter then that’s really sad. It’s a pathetic way to deal with the situation but really awful for your DD to be rejected by him.

I’d also be making it clear how inappropriate it was to send such a message by text. Like a PP said what if your DD had read it?

I can't believe how many people would actually reply to the gf...and how many are encouraging the OP to do so.

Absolutely no contact with her whatsoever. She's nothing and nobody in this particular scenario.

Well done for your response OP. Also, if things ever escalate in the future, as they have with my friend and her partner's ex, your dignified silence will speak volumes.

Op I hope you get to the bottom of this, your poor DD. Just as well she has a loving mum who has her back.

I’m on the fence about whether your ex did know about his gf sending the text. I mean if he didn’t know, you could still prove it was sent from his phone if his gf deleted it.

I think it’s him that’s sent it, but trying to blame his gf so she looks like the one to be instigating things.

I'm baffled. She is trying to reach out to you and talk. Is that such a bad thing?

@whatgoesbumpinthenight

I'd be really really tempted to screen shot it and then delete the text from your phone. Pretend you haven't seen it, as I personally believe this is your ex that sent it & he is waiting for a reaction....it's a perfect way to reduce contact whilst maintaining how wonderful he is to the new girlfriend ...oh look Shame is stopping me seeing my DC, or look at this text I got from Shame see I told you she is crazy...I never sent her a text asking to reduce hours and as if you "new flame" would do that...

Sit on it and play dumb, watch either him or her squirm due to the zero reaction or response

This!

Member, I think you are really naive, if you believe there's nothing wrong in this.
Besides, why does the OP need to discuss parenting arrangements with a total stranger? The gf (if this is coming solely from her) is seriously overstepping - she is just the person who has recently started shagging the ex, she isn't the other parent or a step parent with years of involvement in this child's life.
Did you really miss the bitchy swipes where she implies the OP is a bad mother?

I'm baffled. She is trying to reach out to you and talk. Is that such a bad thing?

She should discuss such things with her boyfriend.

I'm baffled. She is trying to reach out to you and talk. Is that such a bad thing?

No she iznt, she iz tryin 2 tell the OP wot 2 do n how fings r guna b frm now in. Iz nun ov er bizniz

Ooh that is painful writing like that

I'm baffled. She is trying to reach out to you and talk. Is that such a bad thing?

If she was being nice and wanted to introduce herself so the OP doesn’t need to worry about who her DD is around then I’d completely agree and would say she is a nice person.

But she’s not she’s trying to reduce the time that DD spends with her dad which is the opposite of what she should be doing.
As 1 it’s not her place but 2 she should be encouraging him to see his DD as much as he can.

Off to bleach my eyes!!

I can't believe how many people would actually reply to the gf...and how many are encouraging the OP to do so.

She needs to reply because somehow the new gf seems to think she has just as much say in the DDs life as her mum and dad do, it needs to be put straight ASAP.
It is important that the ex knows (if he didn’t already) that his new gf is trying to get OP to stop him from seeing his DD as much. And the new gf needs to know that whatever arrangement that is made will be between her mum and dad and no one else. (I would also be putting her straight that it was ex who wanted more contact as it sounds like he’s moaning to her that OP is forcing him to gave more contact).

Could you get your dp to text a similar message from your phone to xh gf suggesting that they both meet up to discuss co step parenting and the renegotiation of parenting terms as he's not getting enough one to one time with you.

@Member869894

I'm baffled. She is trying to reach out to you and talk. Is that such a bad thing?

Ur man ur rulz hun x

I imagine they've been arguing about this and she's gone behind his back. I suspect she thought you'd agree and you've scuppered her plans by phoning him.

Go round and tall to them both. That way neither of them can hide. Do you have any formally agreed arrangements?

Say you received the text from the partner and you wish to discuss it. You have all the cards here regardless of how that message arose. Either she needs to keep her beak out or he needs to stop being a fucking coward and trying to dodge his responsibilities as a father.

@arethereanyleftatall 😂😂😂😂😂

She needs to reply because somehow the new gf seems to think she has just as much say in the DDs life as her mum and dad do, it needs to be put straight ASAP

Totally agree, Flutter12. This woman has been on the scene for about 5 minutes from what the OP says. Utterly none of her business!

Oh and dd is only going there 2 nights a week - as the OP says, isn’t 5 enough for this woman?

Either it’s the girlfriend and she is spectacularly stupid or its the ex trying to wangle less time with his dd (what a prince amongst men ). Can’t really decide....

He finally called back this morning.

He pleaddd ignorance. Knew nothing about it and is 'extremely angry' and 'dealing with it' at his end.

I didn't really sleep as I'm convinced that he either knew or had discussed this with GF as this clearly isn't something that she has picked out of thin air.

I asked him where she got the idea from and he went very quiet. He admitted that they had had conversations about how nice it is when it's 'just them' and that they'd discussed how it would be if it was just them permanently. It was just fantasy but she got the wrong end of the stick etc.

I outright asked him if he wanted to continue contact with DD and he said he did, that they were both just tired and she had misunderstood.
I told him that as she clearly saw this as an opportunity to remove DD from his life, she obviously isn't ready for a relationship with a man who has a child. While I have no control over who he brings into his own life, I won't have DD pushed out or made to feel unwelcome so if new GF is sticking around she has to either stay out of DDs way during contact time or get an attitude adjustment sharpish. He repeated that he was 'dealing with it', whatever than means. I also told him that discussions about DD are between me and him and that I don't want to hear from her again unless it is an emergency. He agreed.

We left it there. I don't imagine it's the end of it all but thank you all for your support.

Not sure I believe him at all. I expect contact will be reducing in the next few months and this was just to test the waters.

You handled that brilliantly. I hope what you said has put a bit of a dampener on their relationship. It definitely needs to be cooled off and taken slower for your ds’s sake.

Has your dd met this woman yet? Somehow I’m getting an image of Cruella deVil....

Good for you. Great response. Sorry he’s being a total idiot though.