Received text from Ex's new girlfriend. AIBU to be thrilled that he will soon by dying of shame?

[Shameme0nce]

God, I hope she's not on here!!

EXH and I have been apart for 4 years. We were together for 12 years and we split when DD was 5. I won't go into the ins and outs of the relationship but he checked out years before the split and, while I could never prove it, I suspect he was looking around. Marriage had been rocky for a number of reasons but, ultimately, it was his decision to split.

He's always been a challenge in terms of contact and maintenance. Don't get me wrong, he's a good dad but very much of the camp that his responsibility ends the second his day is up and it has been a battle to get to the point where we are at now where DD sees him two nights each week.

He Threw strops about using annual leave to cover a portion of school holidays but is always first to 'claim' her for the fun stuff like birthdays, Christmas, Halloween etc. The man wants to make memories but not deal with the drudgery and inconvenience of day to day life (one of the many reasons we are not compatible now!). I don't let him away with this behaviour but have learned over the years when to pick my battles.

Anyhow, about 18 months on from our split, I met my DP. I was very slow to bring him into my life because of DD and he moved in with us very recently, after two and a half years together. His relationship with DD is lovely but he respects the fact he's not her dad so, while supportive of my battles with Ex, he largely keeps out of it.

I am really not sure of how many 'girlfriends' ex has had. To his credit, he's never introduced any of them to DD as they clearly weren't important enough.

He has, however, in the last few months been seeing a woman in her mid 20s.
DD seems to like her. I feel the introduction was a bit soon and unnecessary given everything else that is going on, but not much I can do about that and as long as she's kind to DD, I'm happy.

Alongside this burgeoning relationship has been a renewed interest in DD. It's nice, if a little suspect, but DD is thrilled so again I'm happy to facilitate. He's seeing her for a few extra days during the Christmas holidays which will be lovely for her.

Now bearing in mind I don't know this woman, haven't spoken to her, not been introduced, have no idea what she looks like... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to this text I got from ex's phone....

Hi Shame,
It's X. Hope u and DD r gud. Can utell her we r lking forward to seeing her on Sunday.
(Ex) told me about Xmas plans and I now it's not really my place, but I'm concernd about how much time DD is spending at our house.
I now ur busy with work but DD needs consistency and we think the going backwards n forwards so much during the week is 2 much 4 her. I know (ex) is happy to c her so much but I think we all shud sit down and work out a plan that works for us all. I feel like I never get to see (Ex) alone anymore and I now u can understand how important 1 on 1 time is at the start of a new relationship (haha!) . Mabe we cud sit down for a coffee on Sunday?

It's wrong on so, so many levels:

1. Sent from ex's number. Why do you have his phone? Also, there is ZERO chance of him ever saying anything like this.
2. Is 5 nights a week not enough one to one time? They both WFH at moment too.
3. Wtf does she mean by the haha? .
4. The mix of text speak and formal English is massively jarring. Pick one or the other. Commit, woman!
5. She wants more time to'get to know him'? She's met our child and has moved in, presumably in the space of a few months.

The best bit of all of this is that SHE thinks the additional time with DD is being driven by me when it's actually EX showboating to highlight his amazing father credentials.

It is a glorious mess and half the joy is coming from knowing that Ex is going to be so embarrassed. I can't decide what my next move should be.

Vipers, ho!

In the future she wont be happy with ex for pushing her out.. is he willing to risk this for his new gf

The OP is not responsible for her ex’s relationship with their child. He needs to take responsibility for that himself. OP’s only responsibility is to make the child available for contact which she is clearly doing. The rest is up to him.

I'd be fucking livid and would probably reply with something like if my ex husband isn't happy with the arrangements, he can discuss them with his solicitor 👋🏻

She’s a massive CF

Sounds to me like hes said we could have more time together only for dd.And hes done it slowly.

Perhaps he doesn't really want more time with her and DD is a convenient excuse.

So shes got the phone and text, but he knew all about it .Because he put the wheels in motion.

More fool her then. Continuously blaming men for the stupidity of some women, just absolves them of being sensible and behaving sensibly.

Quite frankly, even if my BF asked me to do this on his behalf... I'd think he was trying to put me in the firing line and tell him to get lost.

I'd have no respect or attraction for a man like this and no sensible GF of a few months would interfere in this way.

So whether he got her to do it, or she did it of her own volition...she's a fool....a very cheeky one as well.

@Shameme0nce Has he responded since you sent him a copy of her text OP?

Oh she's a cheeky bastard, isn't she?

I know you've already spoke to ex about it but I would have just text her back saying 'gosh this is awkward that you feel that it's impacting your time alone with ex as he's actually the one who requested more visits! So if he's using DD as an excuse to reduce time alone with you then I think you really need to chat with him about that, not texting me nonsense and getting involved in matters that have absolutely nothing to do with you.' but then I am a bit of a cunt and would not take kindly AT ALL to anyone texting me like that about matters that have fuck all to do with them.

I think he loaded the gun..... she just fired it.

@Bookaholic73 sorry but texting from your DHs phone is not normal

More fool her then. Continuously blaming men for the stupidity of some women, just absolves them of being sensible and behaving sensibly.

No that gf has nothing to do with the child.

But well before she was involved her df wasnt bothered about his dd.So it still lies with him,he invited her in to his life without knowing what she is really like.

I agree with this

F**k that shit!

Have you not spoken to your ex again? This isn’t trivial stuff. I hope he treats the situation with the seriousness required.

@TheQueef

Text back.. Who dis?

This

This has actually happened to me when my DS used to have contact with his feckless dad. Turns out all along it was him using the new GF as a red herring to hide behind, I’d be wary of this if I was you.

Even if it wasn’t from him these kind of things don’t appear from nowhere, it’s highly likely he’s been stirring the pot with GF and is content to watch her out herself in the firing line.

Personally I’d text back ‘who’s this’ and watch sparks fly 😂

I’d have just forwarded him the text and said, “For info. I’ll leave you to sort this out, shall I?”

I think you absolutely did the right thing in forwarding him the text and leaving it for him to sort out and not texting the GF back yourself. Will be interesting how it pans out.

Wow! Wtaf!!!

Yes I'm thinking he's not only going to be horrendously embarrassed but likely furious at the presumptuous, arrogance of such a text!

Keep the message I'd even say screenshot and email to yourself just in case

Surely if she's sent it from your ex's phone, he knows she's sent it oh come on! Takes secs to delete after sending and then try and play dumb later? Could also be ex mascarading as the gf though I think that's doubtful with suggestion of a meet-up

I think ex will have chosen someone a little less... challenging this time around.

Haha! That's what mine did! Physically we could be sisters though and we've even been mistaken for each other when we all still lived in same town! That was...interesting!

I'd have held off speaking to him till I had time to think and figure out what was going on.

But it's done now. You know him, so you'll have a good sense of roughly how honest he's being.

I'm thinking he didn't know about the text but that there's been some heated discussion on the matter between him and her. So it's not totally out of left field

She's stupid in more ways than one it she thinks this is remotely going to endear her to him because regardless of his true feelings on contact j don't think he'll like her interfering. Especially so early on in the relationship, people are dumped for FAR less!

That aspect is not your circus op (though may be entertaining to be an audience to!)

One thing this thread has hopefully achieved aside from providing you with advice and support op is maybe making any 2nd/3ed/4th wives/gf think twice before doing such a dumbass thing themselves!

I can't decide if I think he knew or not.

Maybe she's suggested this text plan to him which is why he's not completely surprised by it happening?

If this is how she acts now imagine what a control freak nightmare step mother she'll grow into. He sounds equally shit too if he knows about it.

Oh wow. I bet you were very surprised to receive that...

I can see you have mentioned it to him already. See what happens.

If she texts you again I would completely ignore it. It's extremely inappropriate. Although I don't think she's trying to be malicious - sounds to me like she's just very naive, immature and maybe not very emotionally intelligent. She will probably look back on this in 10 years and cringe.

It's a text from your ex. He absolutely sent it. The style is forced. A person who genuinely txt spks would do so consistently. It is also deliberately 'childish'. 25's I know don't text like that. It's like when a person is lying they do just too much, overcompensating, so their 'over-the-topness' exposes them.
Poor DD. Wtf is wrong with men and their pathetic dicks always a priority

Now he knows the upshot, have the conversation with him about how to continue with the Dd sharing, ignore what the gf wants, it’s nothing to do with her. She took your ex on knowing he has baggage. She needs to deal with what he wants regards his dd. If she can’t handle it then she needs to get out of the relationship.

@VodselForDinner has nailed it!

Well done for managing to see some humour in this situation, OP, because all I feel on your behalf is blind rage. Whether it’s him or her or a combination of them both, what a horrible text to send and for you to receive.

I’d fire back saying that clearly his GF doesn't like your DD and it’s only fair the GF is not there for the visits.

I really think that this is from your ex OP. If he didn't directly sent it he definitely knows about it. It was obviously all going to come out when you replied anyway and asked what the fuck was going on.

Ask him outright if he has changed his mind about having DD for extra time during the holidays, if so you'd rather him grow some bollocks and speak to you himself rather than pretend it's to give your daughter 'more stability'.