Received text from Ex's new girlfriend. AIBU to be thrilled that he will soon by dying of shame?

[Shameme0nce]

God, I hope she's not on here!!

EXH and I have been apart for 4 years. We were together for 12 years and we split when DD was 5. I won't go into the ins and outs of the relationship but he checked out years before the split and, while I could never prove it, I suspect he was looking around. Marriage had been rocky for a number of reasons but, ultimately, it was his decision to split.

He's always been a challenge in terms of contact and maintenance. Don't get me wrong, he's a good dad but very much of the camp that his responsibility ends the second his day is up and it has been a battle to get to the point where we are at now where DD sees him two nights each week.

He Threw strops about using annual leave to cover a portion of school holidays but is always first to 'claim' her for the fun stuff like birthdays, Christmas, Halloween etc. The man wants to make memories but not deal with the drudgery and inconvenience of day to day life (one of the many reasons we are not compatible now!). I don't let him away with this behaviour but have learned over the years when to pick my battles.

Anyhow, about 18 months on from our split, I met my DP. I was very slow to bring him into my life because of DD and he moved in with us very recently, after two and a half years together. His relationship with DD is lovely but he respects the fact he's not her dad so, while supportive of my battles with Ex, he largely keeps out of it.

I am really not sure of how many 'girlfriends' ex has had. To his credit, he's never introduced any of them to DD as they clearly weren't important enough.

He has, however, in the last few months been seeing a woman in her mid 20s.
DD seems to like her. I feel the introduction was a bit soon and unnecessary given everything else that is going on, but not much I can do about that and as long as she's kind to DD, I'm happy.

Alongside this burgeoning relationship has been a renewed interest in DD. It's nice, if a little suspect, but DD is thrilled so again I'm happy to facilitate. He's seeing her for a few extra days during the Christmas holidays which will be lovely for her.

Now bearing in mind I don't know this woman, haven't spoken to her, not been introduced, have no idea what she looks like... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to this text I got from ex's phone....

Hi Shame,
It's X. Hope u and DD r gud. Can utell her we r lking forward to seeing her on Sunday.
(Ex) told me about Xmas plans and I now it's not really my place, but I'm concernd about how much time DD is spending at our house.
I now ur busy with work but DD needs consistency and we think the going backwards n forwards so much during the week is 2 much 4 her. I know (ex) is happy to c her so much but I think we all shud sit down and work out a plan that works for us all. I feel like I never get to see (Ex) alone anymore and I now u can understand how important 1 on 1 time is at the start of a new relationship (haha!) . Mabe we cud sit down for a coffee on Sunday?

It's wrong on so, so many levels:

1. Sent from ex's number. Why do you have his phone? Also, there is ZERO chance of him ever saying anything like this.
2. Is 5 nights a week not enough one to one time? They both WFH at moment too.
3. Wtf does she mean by the haha? .
4. The mix of text speak and formal English is massively jarring. Pick one or the other. Commit, woman!
5. She wants more time to'get to know him'? She's met our child and has moved in, presumably in the space of a few months.

The best bit of all of this is that SHE thinks the additional time with DD is being driven by me when it's actually EX showboating to highlight his amazing father credentials.

It is a glorious mess and half the joy is coming from knowing that Ex is going to be so embarrassed. I can't decide what my next move should be.

Vipers, ho!

Bluntness is right - he knows all about it.

The message came from his phone, and the suggestion is for all three of you to meet up for coffee to discuss further.

So even if she did send it without his OK, she clearly has / had every intention of getting him on board.

You’re not revealing anything to him that he isn’t already completely aware of.

He’s OK with this. And whatever little suggestion they have is clearly for him to withdraw.

Another long game
Don’t reply ! I know you are itching to
But don’t
It will kill her !!!
And technically and legally it’s got duck all to do with her

Your poor DD.
The audacity of your ex’s new girlfriend too... not a good start.

I hope you get sorted

I'd be laughing my head off. It's so cringe. Don't reply though. Let her sweat, checking phone for your reply every minute. Silly woman. Same applies even if your ex did send it.

The OP hasn’t replied - shes called and spoken with her ex.

@Mintychoc1

I’d rise above it. Just reply saying “of course, no problem, if you and ex want to discuss the plans in place for Christmas then I’m happy to talk to you both about it”. It sounds like she wants to go behind his back, get you on side, and make out that you’re the one not happy with the plans.

I'd use this reply as suggested.

I’d halt visits if this was my situation until I’d met them both formally after this.

You’ve got to wonder what situations she’s been allowed control over when it comes to your daughter for her to think she has a right to message you not only with ‘we think’ but to assume she has a right to an opinion on this.

It screams red flags to me.

Shameless place marking, I'm busting to hear what the ex says.

The new GF will be around your child. Who knows for how long. Sometimes you've got to grit your teeth and keep things cordial.

I wonder if he actually did know about the message.

Wonder what he’ll come back with tomorrow

I'd be saying to her that all contact is mutually agreed by DD's parents, point out how delighted DDhas been that her daddy has wanted to see more of her lately. I'd also be inclined to say something a bit PA like "of course you're right that we should meet up IF you're going to be a significant person in her life but given that you don't seem to want to share her Daddy with her I don't think we need to firm up any arrangements for a coffee date just yet"

I would simply say, this is a matter you will need to discuss with ex not myself. Short and sweet.

in her twenties? writes like a twelve year old

@Gifgif

Dear God, I hope she's not supervising English homework when your daughter is there.

My thought exactly, maybe ask her to write comprehensible English in future.

I’d add to any future convo that it was damn lucky for him that DD didn’t see the text first on your phone. She’d have been very upset to think she wasn’t wanted around and was basically being called a nuisance. At Xmas, no less.

Since ‘inconvenience’ seems to be a big motivator for both of them, I’d press the point of how much more inconvenient things could get with a traumatised 9yo on their hands. The quantity of the contact is set (for the moment) but the quality of those hours is up to them to protect. I don’t think the idea she would be heartbroken would matter a jot to them, but they’ll jump to protect their own self interest.

@Shameme0nce

You have one move: ignore it.

Contact is between you / you ex. No need for you to have any communication with her at all and it doesn't look like any good will come of it if you did... she can talk to your ex if she has concerns.

I ignored the emails / texts I received and never mentioned to my ex. His partner's requests / demands / views / tirades really weren't helpful to anyone. I'll admit the bloody cheek of some of them made it hard not to...but in retrospect, I'm incredibly glad I didn't reply.

‘Dear Ex’sGF,
You do realise that Ex only sees DD 2 nights per week, which is completely his choice? I don’t know where you think he is on the other nights, but you should discuss that with him, not me.

Also, DD has 16 days off school at Christmas & am happy that Ex wants to spend x days with her. If he wants to change that please ask him to phone me to discuss.
Best wishes

If she sent off your exs phone of course he knows about it. He will have seen it.
You are blaming her because it's easy but I'm sure he knows. I wouldn't say anything and just see what happens next. (Why would you be having a coffee together during lockdown?)

Just copy the message word for word and send it back to him. Tomorrow morning, not now.

On a couple of occasions I have received messages so insane that no rational reply could ever do them justice, so I copy-pasted them into the reply box and sent them back the following morning. No additional commentary.

Very quick, no hassle whatsoever, no guilt that you've handled it badly, no overthinking that you could have handled it better. Just a nice simple way of indicating that you don't accept the message, you have nothing to say, and while we're at it perhaps the sender would like to take a moment to read what they wrote again.

Both times I've done this resulted in a swift apology.

Hope he puts the gf in her place.

I'm with @Mintychoc1

Don't play games... be the adult and agree to meet with them both together .. i think its her idea.. I'd probably mention that your surprised about ex not wanting to spend time with DD and explain in front of ex that this may make DD sad as shes been enjoying time with him. At the wns of the day DD is the one who will be hurt
.. In the future she wont be happy with ex for pushing her out.. is he willing to risk this for his new gf

"2) Is 5 nights a week not enough one to one time? They both WFH at moment too.
3) Wtf does she mean by the haha? .
5) She wants more time to'get to know him'? She's met our child and has moved in, presumably in the space of a few months."

All of this is "I want us to spend all weekend solidly shagging"

Why are people only seeing the gf.It came from him,he wasnt a great dad to begin with.

What the gf wrote and her grammar is not here nor there.
I would be more worried about her df,not wanting his dd there over Christmas.

Have just re-read that dreadful text. Op you are a marvel keeping your temper with that provocation!