To feel really upset for my DD6 and that I've let her down

[MrsWarleggan]

DD6 is the youngest out of the whole year and this term has gone into YR2.

In January her YR1 teacher said she has been coming on leaps and bounds and that as the youngest she of course is slightly behind her peers but that based on current progress she was more than happy that by the end of YR2 she will be on an even keel with everyone else...... Then lockdown happened.

The school was very good with home learning, but as a full time key worker (with a 10 month old DD) I just couldn't do it. We read everyday but every time we tried to allocate time DD6 just lost concentration after 5 minutes. She was at school everyday and by the time we got home, she was exhausted then over weekends I had to catch up on work hours.

We had parents evening last week and whilst they are happy with phonics, writing they are quite concerned about her maths. They recommended computer programs to download and she has been doing it (rather well actually).

Get a phonecall today from her teacher to say they have been allocated funding for children needing additional help and DD has been selected. I'm grateful to the school and he did put a positive spin on it, I of course accepted but when I got off the phone I had a little cry because all I could hear in my head was "Your kid is stupid and she needs etc help" (I know she's not).

I feel like I have completely let her down and I should have persevered with the home learning, but there just wasnt enough hours in the week to fit it all in.

It’s been a crap year, you haven’t let her down. You’ve kept a roof over her head, and filled her life with love.

Accept the help from school and continue her love of reading etc. I wish I had extra help with my maths I really struggle/struggled with it. Important not to stop work on the things she good at, that will build confidence in other areas too.

Be kind to yourself

Even if there'd been no covid and she'd been in school, chances are she would have required intervention anyway. Maths may just be something she struggles with, especially being so young. So many children have intervention - it's really nothing to worry about

They all went through a period where any education was really minimal - DD1 is very very bright - normally working at greater depth across the board and she fell back to the point where she's below expected for Maths now after lockdown... they missed about 1/3 of the year's content! I have to keep on reminding DD about that when she slips into "I'm rubbish at Maths" mode.

Don't worry about it at all. You're not a trained teacher, everyone has just muddled through 'home schooling' as best they can. Some kids took to it, as did some parents, and others didn't. It's no reflection on you. It's an unknown entity, nobody was expecting this year to turn out the way it has, and we've all done the best we can in an impossible situation.

You should just be happy now that she's getting some additional support. It's not a reflection on you, or even her. The school have a duty to make sure the kids in their care reach their full potential, she just needs a tiny bit of help, but there's nothing wrong with that at all :).

@Floralnomad

Don’t blame yourself as you are doing your best but you need to not be using the ‘youngest in the year’ as a reason , many summer born children do not struggle at all . If your daughter needs additional help and the school has done the right thing by identifying this quickly , which they have , I’d just be grateful that I’d chosen the correct school .

Agree with this. The only thing of concern in your post was the bit about it being said that 'of course she is slightly behind her peers'. My middle son was born at the arse end of August and has always been 'exceeding': conversely, my eldest is 'old' for the year (November) and tended to bobble about in the low-middle until about Yr 5. There can be a danger in lowering your expectations for your summer-born daughter. I'd be pleased the school is taking steps, were I you.

Not all kids can be born smart. Most are average, and some need extra help. You can't influence where your kid sits on that scale. You just have to embrace the child you have.

The further away from normal they are the harder it is, and it sucks but you can do it. You have to, you're their parent

DS is August born, he struggled with writing, they kept saying he would get it, he’s clever, he is dyslexic and needed help with that.

DD2 is clever but not motivated, I struggled to do my job and help her, don’t beat yourself up.

DD1 is very hardworking but not a reader (unlike DH, DS and I), watching her work during lockdown made me approach the school, I thought dyslexia for her too (but manifesting differently to DS) school have done preliminary testing and identified slow processing (after initially saying she is in top sets and not on the SENCO radar).

Today a mum in DD2’s class has asked “what a reading intervention is?” So clearly our primary are also picking up.

Please don’t blame yourself, we’re not teachers, we did our best. School are clearly on it, just ask how you can help.

Don't panic and don't blame yourself. One of my DS was really behind in maths early on - but he worked at maths online and he caught up. 3 years ago he got a grade 9 in maths at GCSE and did A level maths recently. They pick up over time, don't blame yourself, just do little and often and your DC will get there.

The ways things are, children who aren't behind are as rare as hens teeth. There just isn't enough time and working to keep a roof over her head is more important. That's why they have this funding because its the reality for many hundreds of parents.

I've got a very similar situation although I'm a sahm with 3 DC & we did school work everyday of lockdown & my youngest ds came on well with 1-2-1 attention but he has also been selected for extra tuition.

I felt very similar to you to start with but I'm getting over it now & being positive & making the most of the extra support.

My DS8 is one of the youngest in his year & last year (before lockdown) his behaviour was so challenging & frankly stressful that lockdown was a relief!

His behaviour has improved massively & his reading & maths are coming on but I've accepted the fact he is likely to find school hard in this way. It doesn't help that my other 2 DC are towards the top of the class academically & it just feels so unfair for him. Obviously I haven't talked to him about it in this way at all.

We've always talked about going to university as the natural progression of education but now are also mentioning apprentiseships etc as I don't want him to feel like he's failed if he doesn't go.

I haven't written him off or anything like that & we'll look at tutoring etc in the future to give him the best chances of success.

Ah, the joys of Mum guilt.

You haven't failed her OP, and if it wasn't this you'd find something else to feel guilty about (that you also had no need to).

It's a biological imperative of being a mother, and kicks in about five minutes after conception!!!

I volunteer (usually, pre-covid) in a primary school and do intervention work/catch up or just take a small group of children to help them work through the lesson.

Children actually pretend they are struggling so they can spend time with me I try to make them feel amazing, reassure them that they are great and sometimes everyone needs a little help. One little trick I like to do is show them that they can add up huge numbers, hundreds of thousands or millions. No carry overs so each number added to the number in column addition is no more than 9. This gives them a lovely boost. I also get to see the light bulb moment when a child achieves something. It is lovely.

You only know about your child because you have been told, but on a daily basis children are helped either by a teacher, an LSA (TA) or even a peer. We foster a positive attitude to learning and we do not allow boasting or put downs.

Primary school does not define you. You are doing an amazing job with reading. Let her play maths games or literacy games on a mobile/tablet etc. She will catch up. She is so little right now.

Summer baby here. I was in all the special classes and behind in reading and maths. By year six I was above average in reading and average in everything else. By my GCSE's I had A's and A*s across the board. What I am trying to say is your little girl has lots of education left, take all the help they are offering and I bet you'll be amazed in ten years at what she achieves :)

Your child is not stupid. You (and her school) have not failed her...quite the opposite.

She has fallen behind because she's been out of formal education for a large chunk of the year. You (entirely understandably in your situation) haven't been able to mitigate the effects of that to the same extent as some other parents with more time and less home pressures. That's why it's important for the school to step in now and do their bit (with your help and support) to help her catch up....which they're doing by targeting her for extra help.

No one, least of all you, has failed your child.

With what’s been going on with the virus and lost days at school, there will be many many children that have fallen behind in their education since March. If I was you I would be grateful my child is getting the help she needs.

My son was youngest in his year and the teachers thought he would benefit from extra support in year 1 I think. As a teacher myself I knew he was bright, but very quiet in class so I never worried about him and certainly never pushed him at that stage as I just wanted him to be happy, settled and socialise in school.
He left university last year with a 1st class Hons Degree. Do not worry she is bound to catch up, I do feel sorry for the little ones with all the pressure heaped upon them.

My son has started to get extra help with his education. He has fallen behind quite a bit, Iv tried over the past months to encourage him to sit on the laptop and do his work but he really needs to be in a class room setting with a teacher. I’m no teacher although I tried my best lol. I’m very grateful he’s getting help as it’s a rather large school and I was scared he’d just filter into the background to speak.

I wasn’t saying that some summer born children do not struggle initially what I was trying to point out was that the Op said in her original post as the youngest she of course is slightly behind her peers , and it is not a foregone conclusion that all summer borns or youngest in the year children will be behind . I know plenty that don’t have issues at all .

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

The ways things are, children who aren't behind are as rare as hens teeth. There just isn't enough time and working to keep a roof over her head is more important. That's why they have this funding because its the reality for many hundreds of parents.

I know you want to help the op feel better but lying isn't the way to do it

I'm not lying Hallie. You find me a child who hasn't missed out on any aspect of their education during lockdown and I'll find you a liar.

Or perhaps you're suggesting that paying the bills isn't as important as schooling?

My son got additional help for 2 years at primary.

He won prizes every single year of high school, Including the top prize for computing. And awards for effort and achievement. He was head of house, and won the prize for most natural leader.

I too felt like a failure when I was told he was getting additional support, but he probably did (he was also youngest in year) and the support made sure he didn’t fall behind.

You would be failing her if you let her know how you feel about it.
I am sure you won’t.

My little girl was a July baby and needed extra help in year 1 and 2. She is I year 5 and flying. Greater depth in every subject. Her brother didn't get any help but he had gone under the radar a little and got stuck with maths. So actually the fact that this has been identified is great. Don't worry you are a great mummy. That is your role in this!

Your kid is stupid and she needs etc help" (I know she's not

I’m sorry but all sympathy I had was evaporated when I read that line!!! No need at all. I find it quite offensive.

‘Stupid’ is a derogatory word for someone that struggles with things. Many children struggle at school and they’re not ‘stupid’!!!!

I am a volunteer who goes into schools and listens to children read. Sometimes we don’t get reading done as the child wants to tell me about his rabbit, new baby, football team etc. These children just need a bit of one to one attention. After a bit of attention 5 or 10 minutes their reading (previously halting and stumbling) becomes ace. Give your little girl 5 minutes undivided attention every day (I know you are tired and busy) see what a huge difference that makes. Go girl you should be proud of yourself you are doing so well.