To feel really upset for my DD6 and that I've let her down

[MrsWarleggan]

DD6 is the youngest out of the whole year and this term has gone into YR2.

In January her YR1 teacher said she has been coming on leaps and bounds and that as the youngest she of course is slightly behind her peers but that based on current progress she was more than happy that by the end of YR2 she will be on an even keel with everyone else...... Then lockdown happened.

The school was very good with home learning, but as a full time key worker (with a 10 month old DD) I just couldn't do it. We read everyday but every time we tried to allocate time DD6 just lost concentration after 5 minutes. She was at school everyday and by the time we got home, she was exhausted then over weekends I had to catch up on work hours.

We had parents evening last week and whilst they are happy with phonics, writing they are quite concerned about her maths. They recommended computer programs to download and she has been doing it (rather well actually).

Get a phonecall today from her teacher to say they have been allocated funding for children needing additional help and DD has been selected. I'm grateful to the school and he did put a positive spin on it, I of course accepted but when I got off the phone I had a little cry because all I could hear in my head was "Your kid is stupid and she needs etc help" (I know she's not).

I feel like I have completely let her down and I should have persevered with the home learning, but there just wasnt enough hours in the week to fit it all in.

I felt exactly the same about my dd. With her it’s reading particularly that is very behind. I’ve just come to a point of acceptance with it. If she’s intelligent enough she’ll catch up. If she isn’t then I’ll accept her as she is anyway. I’m not going to put pressure on and cause arguments. She’s only a kid once, she can enjoy life. Everything is shit at the moment and the least I can do for her is allow her to be happy at home when she’s six.

To be fair, if your the youngest you are going to be behind a bit, isn’t that normal? But as she is in that year she has to do as well as the ones who are older. So in a way she is above others who are the same year as her, just not in the same year group at school.

Most of the young ones grow up to to well as they learn to cope with the high pressure younger than most and I assume it must put them in good stead.

I know how it is to feel like how you are though, but this ain’t your fault, you haven’t done anything wrong

The reason the governemnt have allocated money is for people that haven't been able to teach for one of many reasons, been a keyowrker is one reason, some parents don't have the skills to help. ( i personally had to relearn pythagarus but not everyone can do that ), some not keyworkers but WFH so limited time for children. some had enviroments that weren't great for learning, some children just don't do well with home schooling.

There are so many blockers to learning.. this is one of the reasons schools are trying to stay open.

Some children also just struggle with maths..My own DS has had additional support for English - not pandemic related...

Your DD might not be where she needs to be maths wise but will of gained many other things certainly a Mum she can be proud of who kept the coutry going through lockdown.

She is the youngest in the year – it was already likely she'd need help. I think this matters lots more when they're littler than when they are older. But I'm sure she'll catch up quickly. Great she's getting the support.

@Circusoflove

I felt exactly the same about my dd. With her it’s reading particularly that is very behind. I’ve just come to a point of acceptance with it. If she’s intelligent enough she’ll catch up. If she isn’t then I’ll accept her as she is anyway. I’m not going to put pressure on and cause arguments. She’s only a kid once, she can enjoy life. Everything is shit at the moment and the least I can do for her is allow her to be happy at home when she’s six.

This

my youngest was the baby in her class, I was told she needed extra help at that age because she was so much behind her "peers". She got better A levels than her siblings, a 2:1 degree and now has a fantastic job that she loves.

Don't worry, just let them give her the extra help, a few months age difference can be a big gap at that stage, but it evens out.

I have three primary school children. DC1 and 3 are exceptional across the board and always have been. They just grasp everything quickly and do well in all subjects (particularly maths). DC2 needs additional help with maths because she really struggles with it and always has. They have the same parents and have had the exact same upbringing and support from me. They’re just different people with different strengths and weaknesses.

It doesn’t say a thing about your parenting at all, she just struggles at maths as many children do. Don’t beat yourself up.

Don't feel bad, you daughters are loved and looked after. There are children who don't even see a book until they start school or nursery. There are parents who priorise drugs and alcohol over feeding and caring for their children - they are let down by their parents. It's been a tough year - you are not a teacher and have done your best.

The school has offered extra help, which you have accepted, so your daughter has every chance to catch up. Some people just aren't as naturally good in one subject and need a bit of extra work.

I was exactly the same - flagged for special help, everyone worried about me. I got the best A Levels in my year 12 years later.

In fact I should say that DC1 (year 6) is in a group for children who are exceptional at maths. During lockdown my DH (engineer so his degree was partially maths) did some GCSE maths with him and he actually grasped it.

Whereas DD is in a group for children who need extra help with maths. 15 months between them, haven’t been raised differently. Just genetics I guess.

You certainly will not be the only one who just could not manage the home learning during lockdown. There will be many like you (and there will be many others who did nothing with their kids because they couldn't be bothered...) However, whatever your situation, you can still motivate and encourage your child, have expectations of her, talk about the importance of trying hard at school etc. You can do this as you go about your lives- it doesn't require extra time.
And the help at school truly is a great thing. When DS2 was at primary school, he had extra help for a couple of years-- doing "Big Moves" - gross motor skills to try and help his fine motor skills because his writing was so poor. It's still pretty awful now he's Yr9 but we all have strengths and weaknesses...
Please do not blame yourself

Ignore people saying 'summer born' doesn't make a difference. A lot of research has shown for many/most it does. Plus it's bloody obvious!! Obviously some summer borns do just fine without any help, but there's a huge developmental difference to overcome.

You did your best in lockdown. You read everyday, that's a lot more than many kids got!

Please don't think of her as 'stupid' not even in your own head. She's not, she's just little & learning!

If you want to help with her maths, there are lots of every day things you can do that fit right into your day. Count items - actual things. Ask her questions like 'how many sausages do I need to cook for us all? I'm going to have two, you & baby DD one each.
All these simple things make 'numbers' make sense and that's the best thing you can do for her.

Orchard Games have a game called 'Bus Stop' that's fun for kids, not too hisious for adults and brilliant for adding & subtracting.

Do NOT feel guilty, you're doing just fine 🌷

Op

My Child got additional support in year 1-3

He went on to get a maths scholarship in year 5.

August born

And I did very little with him!!

YABU to blame yourself. Fantastic news about funding for extra help, this will make a huge difference, my DD7 is very behind and gets extra help with reading every day and it's been enormously helpful.

My older child has a March birthday and she was behind on both English and Maths in KS1. She's got help from the school in a special set. That was what she needed and now she's solidly average. Don't beat yourself up. The important thing is that the problem is picked up early and she gets the help she needed. It looks like the school is really good.

If she was too tired after a day at school to do home learning you did the right thing by stopping . There is nothing to be gained from keeping pushing when a child is past learning other than impacting your relationship . She is very young , accept the help on offer .

If she is still struggling by yr5 ish I’d think about some maths tutoring then - so that she leaves primary with the basics secure.

Please don't worry, all schools have been given catch up money and it is ring fenced to provide extra support. I'd be happy if my child was chosen as they will get the boost they need and deserve.

I just wanted to echo all of the positive comments about this being perfectly normal and my experience is that it does tend to level out the older they get. You sound like a lovely mum and it’s only natural you will feel worried and a bit upset but I’m sure with the support she’ll be fine. The juggle of working and homeschooling nearly broke me, I was determined like you to not let my children fall behind without it damaging our relationship. This meant I had differing success with each of my children because they are so different with different abilities and work ethics! Thank you for all you’ve done during this pandemic! I’m so indebted to all our key workers 😊

Thankyou guys and thanks for your kind words. Much appreciated 😊

DD was on the ‘special table’ in year 1 and went on to pass the 11+, Russell group 2:1 and now prestigious grad programme. We really do start them too early in this country and the damage to their self esteem can be awful- DD still talks about the special table. you sound like a lovely mum.

I totally get it OP, my DS is severely dyslexic, he was really behind with his studies. But he is now 17 and has done brilliantly well in an area of industry that interests him. So try not to worry.

You haven't let her down. You've done your best. I work on a projects with schools and teachers. Tons of kids are in this situation. She so little there's loads of time to catch up. Times are really hard right now. Just keep going.

I beat myself up about anything and everything. So I understand your thinking. But making yourself feel shit over this won't help.

She is a little girl, without wishing to be rude OP, I think we forget that sometimes. You have done your 2 jobs brilliantly ( parent and key worker). You have encouraged and supported your elder child whilst caring for a baby.

I feel so sad that we are even having conversations about small children not meeting various targets.

I voted YABU because you are being unreasonable to be so hard on yourself! You sound like a lovely mum and she sounds like a happy little girl :)

Some kids develop skills slower than others. I had private handwriting lessons at school as a small child because my writing skills were AWFUL. I'm now know for how well I write in my professional life :)

It's honestly not an indicator that you are not doing enough or that your DD is not bright enough. Just give it time, patience, positivity and don't beat yourself up