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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

can of worms

76 replies

canofoldworms · 04/11/2020 19:05

Have nc for this.
I've posted about this before, but didn't get many responses, not in AIBU so please be gentle.

I'm mid 50's and adopted, I have half brother and half sister I've never met. They know about me though and are in their 40's.
Our mum died when they were teens, I never met her.

Having recently done my DNA I found that I couldn't link anything so a friend sent my DNA to cece moore associates in America, after being tested by Durham University.
There was no mistaking my father is also my uncle.
My mum was 15 and raped by her brother and I'm the product of incest, rape and paedophilia.

If you were my siblings would you want to know?
What would you do tell, or keep.

I've written the letter you don't post and it helped me a bit, but I'm currently in counselling and can't move on.
I burst out crying at nothing, my kids are/were worried about birth defects for their future children.
I'm a mess and was thinking of writing the letter we do post.

AIBU to write and post a letter to him (bf) and my half sibs.
or Just write one to him.
I know that leaving it won't give me closure, I have lost a fair amount of weight as was throwing up for 6 weeks when I first found out and it's taking over my life.
My dh said leave it, could be opening up another can of worms, but surely I have the right under the circumstances to be able to move forward.
Would you want to know if you were one of my siblings.

OP posts:

Hangingwithmygnomies · 04/11/2020 19:07

I'm so sorry, that must've been devastating to find out Do you intend to try and have a relationship with your siblings? Do you speak to them or is it just you are all aware of each other?

OverTheRainbow88 · 04/11/2020 19:08

No, I wouldn’t want to know. If you could go back
And unknow would you? Must be a terrible shock, I’m sorry it’s taking over your life; hopefully counselling will help you move on from what must be a awful discovery.

Could you maybe ask to put a trigger warning in your title; as to suddenly mention rape which can be very triggering for some, who would avoid reading.

Original poster

canofoldworms · 04/11/2020 19:11

We are just aware.
One I was advised to avoid as not a nice character, the other really doesn't want to know. I've never spoken to them.
I just want some closure and for him to know that I know what he did.
But then I wonder about my siblings and if they should know, or if it's my place to tell them.
I know they have no idea, I've been well covered up, until I did the DNA.

OP posts:

Throckmorton · 04/11/2020 19:11

I think I would be getting a second opinion on something that momentous. Who are cece moore?

Original poster

canofoldworms · 04/11/2020 19:12

Sorry will report

OP posts:

switswooo · 04/11/2020 19:14

I'm so sorry OP

Do you know what happened to your mum's rapist?

I think if he was still within the family fold would colour my view.

Svelteinmydreams · 04/11/2020 19:14

That’s such a hard thing to discover. I am so sorry. Perhaps you could seek counselling before making any moves ?
You mention that your half siblings know about you - do they want contact? Hard as it may be to accept, maybe they don’t. And if they do not know about your mothers experience, then I would not be telling them until I had made those connections and was sure they could handle them.
As for your natural father, he is clearly scum. Other than screaming at him or damaging his gonads, why would you give him the time of day?

OverTheRainbow88 · 04/11/2020 19:15

Do your siblings see the uncle?

Do they have children?

If yes to both of those I would tell them.

Original poster

canofoldworms · 04/11/2020 19:17

Throckmorton
She is from America a specialist, has a company called DNA detectives, she's on lots of tv programmes there.
I sent it through Gedmatch after the test are your parents related showed they were.
It had already been seen by Durham University Professors, via friend, who had said it was my uncle.
There really is no doubt.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 04/11/2020 19:18

I'm so sorry op.

I don't think it's your secret to tell, not to them. I know it's about your and your existence, but what he did was first and foremost to your Mom. And I don't think now she's died its fair to throw that granade at them.

Continue with the counseling but also speak to a geneticist is you can. My rudimentary understanding is that any issues would have come up on you, and if you are congenitally healthy, and your children and congenitally healthy, there's no issue. By the times your genes have made it to your grandkids, alone with your husband's genes and the other set of grandparents genes, there's not much left. I think the only long term issue is when the incest in repeated again and again.

How old are they?

As for your siblings, if you want to make contact with them, do so. Do they have a relationship with their Uncle?

Original poster

canofoldworms · 04/11/2020 19:18

Yes, they have children and yes they see the uncle.
He sexually assaulted a cousin, and when she spoke up wasn't believed and thrashed.

OP posts:

OverTheRainbow88 · 04/11/2020 19:21

Yes, they have children and yes they see the uncle.

Then yes I would to protect those children

SleepingStandingUp · 04/11/2020 19:21

Then o think it's unlikely they'll believe you and o think the rejection from them is going to cause you immeasurable pain.

However a letter to your father and a letter to your siblings giving the details of what you know, with a copy of the proof, and no expectation of any contact might be an option

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/11/2020 19:23

Is the cousin still alive? I think that might be the only reason to make this public as a way of supporting her, but you would have to be absolutely sure about it. What a horrendous thing to discover.

(Oh, and I'd be making contact with her, not your half siblings.)

ddl1 · 04/11/2020 19:25

I am so sorry; this must be so traumatic. While this doesn't solve the big problem, it might comfort you and your children somewhat to know that their children won't be at any increased risk of birth defects, so long as they don't themselves marry relatives. As regards whether you should inform your half-siblings: I think you should probably have some sort of counselling before making a final decision. If they or especially their children are in contact with the uncle, maybe they should know for their protection. If he is dead, or not in contact with the family, it is perhaps less necessary.

Ideasplease322 · 04/11/2020 19:26

@canofoldworms

Yes, they have children and yes they see the uncle. He sexually assaulted a cousin, and when she spoke up wasn't believed and thrashed.

I am sorry for everything you are going through. But I think this is your answer.

The man is a sex offender who has access to children. As difficult as this is you Have to speak Up.

Just tell them the facts of your dna result. You can’t control how hey will react. But I don’t think you could live with letting this situation continue.

Original poster

canofoldworms · 04/11/2020 19:26

Oh, believe me I don't want contact with any of them. I've met a few matches through ancestry who are lovely and that's all I need ito family history.
Obviously not thinking straight for a while now, it's hard to know what to do, so that's why I thought you lot would give me some reality.

OP posts:

willloman · 04/11/2020 19:27

You go ahead and write and post any darn letter you so please.
Get the weight off your shoulders - this is not your fault/trouble to bear.
If your father/uncle is capable of what he has done he does not need anyone worrying about how he might feel.
You need to decide how it will make you feel and then do what is right for you.

Original poster

canofoldworms · 04/11/2020 19:29

Yes, the cousin is still alive but in therapy herself. Another cousin told me, I haven't heard it from the victims mouth.
I have no reason to believe it isn't true though, even the thrashing

OP posts:

MyOwnSummer · 04/11/2020 19:32

Jesus OP, this is so hard. Just keep telling yourself that it was not your fault. You are innocent in all this. Take care of yourself, whatever you decide to do.

ChikiTIKI · 04/11/2020 19:36

Sorry you're in this situation and for the turmoil it's out you through.

Have you considered informing the police with this evidence?

davekim · 04/11/2020 19:37

BlackeyedSusan · 04/11/2020 19:41

arse. what a difficult situation. Are you in contact with your cousins much? I think your cousin in therapy may benefit from knowing she was not the only one and someone believes her.

Slowlygoingcrackersagain · 04/11/2020 19:43

I would want to know if I was one of your siblings. They may have experienced things with your mum that could be explained by her awful experience. It might help them understand her more plus if it also gives you some closure then that’s important too. I see no reason to keep this awful situation hidden in fact. You’ve done nothing wrong, your mother did nothing wrong and the person who is absolute scum in this situation so far has his name and reputation untarnished. Prepare yourself for your father to deny everything and work with your therapist on a suitable reply should it be required. May you go from strength to strength

sunnysidegold · 04/11/2020 19:44

I think if he has access to children you should pass on your information.

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