can of worms

[canofoldworms]

Have nc for this.
I've posted about this before, but didn't get many responses, not in AIBU so please be gentle.

I'm mid 50's and adopted, I have half brother and half sister I've never met. They know about me though and are in their 40's.
Our mum died when they were teens, I never met her.

Having recently done my DNA I found that I couldn't link anything so a friend sent my DNA to cece moore associates in America, after being tested by Durham University.
There was no mistaking my father is also my uncle.
My mum was 15 and raped by her brother and I'm the product of incest, rape and paedophilia.

If you were my siblings would you want to know?
What would you do tell, or keep.

I've written the letter you don't post and it helped me a bit, but I'm currently in counselling and can't move on.
I burst out crying at nothing, my kids are/were worried about birth defects for their future children.
I'm a mess and was thinking of writing the letter we do post.

AIBU to write and post a letter to him (bf) and my half sibs.
or Just write one to him.
I know that leaving it won't give me closure, I have lost a fair amount of weight as was throwing up for 6 weeks when I first found out and it's taking over my life.
My dh said leave it, could be opening up another can of worms, but surely I have the right under the circumstances to be able to move forward.
Would you want to know if you were one of my siblings.

From a genetic point of view, the problem is that if families have "close" relationships for multiple generations then mutations can be amplified eg first cousin marriage. So I don't think your kids need to worry.

As to whether to tell your siblings, do you have evidence other than dna? Could your father being a 1st cousin be possible? Genetics only go so far, to tell them conjecture seems wrong but it depends if the uncle/your father is still a potential risk

You have no relationship with them so I don't think you should be worried about how they feel or opening a can of worms. Send him and your siblings a letter explaining that you have irrefutable DNA evidence that their uncle raped their mother when she was a child resulting in having to give her first child up for adoption.

So sorry you've had to find this out, I cant imagine how it must feel. For what its worth, I dont think theres much risk to further generations, the real risk was to yourself, their DNA has been mixed up a bit now. Your poor mother.

I think this has been going on for the last 3 generations including mine. Not the same person obviously.
I wish I'd never started tbh, I just wanted my fathers name to put in my tree.
Then, the DNA just didn't move, just keeps coming back to the same 3 generations.

Me and ds1 and dd are very slow with low IQ's, don't remember how to do things. It answered a lot of questions on the intelligence side.
They threw everything available to me, everything they knew, as a child ito support, 1 to 1 unbelievable for the 60's but ss were very involved being adopted, obviously.

They are in contact with him, I would tell them.

Oh I'm so sorry, what an awful shock for you.
For what its worth, you write very intelligently.

You do what you have to do, for you.

I hope your husband is understanding and supportive.

I think I'd look into whether it's possible to report this to the police, you have DNA evidence of the incest and your birth certificate would prove age of your biological mother.

I'm sorry, this must all be so difficult to learn about

Canofoldowmrs, I'm so sorry for you, what an awful story to have to try to find your way through. You won't be alone in being the child of a rape or incest but I don't know how you would access those support groups. One thing I do know if that his hideous action does not define you. You are also the child who (x, y, z, i.e. the events of your life ), and who grew up to do (a, b, c - you get my point?). This dreadful thing is a part of your story, but by no means the biggest or most significant part. How would you have defined yourself before you knew this?

As for telling anyone. Are they all in the UK? If so then you don't have to tell them, you can report it to the police who can follow it up and check in on him regarding having assaulted your poor mother and having access to children. I think you there's an email address and the 101 number you can use to talk with someone.

Oh, thank you all for the responses.
Life is shit sometimes. I thought I was coming to terms with it, not particularly down or anything and today I just crumbled to a gibbering wreck again.
Yes, my dh is really supportive, the kids are too, but I'd rather not bother them as it upsets them that I'm upset iyswim.
Dh just suggested I send him a xmas card to Dad, I'm living proof you're a paedophile.
That's it, I want him to suffer, to worry.

Yes, I was going to go to the Police but then thought they were busy enough.
Must do it now, thanks for the shuv, I know it's the right thing to do.

Oh your post is so sad to read.
I've some professional experience of what you are going through so will try to offer some advice although I know it's limited. Only you can know what you feel right now.
What I want to say is you've got no reason to feel shame or bad about yourself, you're still the person that you were. It sounds like you're part of your own loving family which is something to be very proud of. The long ago action of an evil man, can't change you
As for what to do, whatever you do, do it for yourself. It's not up to you to punish him or safeguard anyone else, you're not responsible for what he does and you don't have to carry that burden or guilt. If you want to out him, you'll have a good case given the evidence, but don't feel pushed to do that for anyone else.
I would really suggest taking some time to think about what you want, what will help you to heal and not cause you more hurt and harm
Take care OP

Thank you so much. I suppose I feel it's up to me to do something about it.
He isn't dead yet, he's in his 70's.
I wish him bad, I hope this is normal. I know if my brother finds out he'll kill him, no mistake.
I think that's why I thought of telling my siblings, out of anger.
Then I feel guilty because it will hurt them.
Lots of guilt, wishing I wasn't born, atm and my counselling coming to an end.
Will they do another 12 weeks?
Thank you.

It is absolutely normal to wish him bad, feel angry, hurt and sad and all the other things you are feeling. I would suggest that until you've been able to process some of those feelings, that you don't do anything or tell anyone. If you want to do that when you feel a little calmer, then you'll be able to make a clearer decision.
About the counselling I'm really sorry I don't know if they will offer more, but ask the counsellor if they can.

Sorry to keep bothering you, but have you any idea how long it will take to process all this, it's been a few months now, and I'm still up and down sometimes daily and then ok for a while.
No warning at all and then can't stop crying for hours on hours.
He needs to pay for what he did.
I have a picture of my birth mum, she is 14 (says on the back) wearing a school checked dress and knee length white socks, she was still a little girl back then in the 60's.

Agreed, it's perfectly normal to hate him and want him to suffer and pay for what he's done.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. I hope you can work through some of it and get back to enjoying the good things and people in your life. I imagine it will be like most difficult things, never completely leaving you, but coming to mind less and less often as time goes by. Fading gradually.

Thank you, that sounds about right, very similar to when I lost my parents.
Really silly but I used to look at the old clips of the world cup and imagine my dad was in the crowd, looked for young lads who looked like me.
Then I had the story in my records from the adoption agency, seemed a very plausible story of the usual unmarried 16 year old, of the time.
Sent away etc etc. Never queried it, oh what utter lies and incracate stories. Official documents too, they even named someone as father.
I know it was her family who did this, but obviously gps gone, now.

Thank you to you all for posting it is a great help not having to be a burden on family, and not something I can talk to friends about yet. My mil has no idea as she is quite judgemental, my adopted sister also from birth (different family) is wonderful, showing blood isn't thicker than water.

The father may have 'previous' so might be worth contacting police as a historical sexual abuse of your birth mother. I don't think there is a statute of limitations. See where that route takes you....

I’d recommend contacting the police, that way your siblings will also find out and you have proper proof. I hope you get justice

This is horrible to read.

Counselling an option? Just put one foot forward and keep your head high. None of this is your fault.

This is such a horrendous thing to go through, @canofoldworms. Please do try to be kind and patient with yourself. I would imagine it will take some time and help from others to get to a calm place.

What kind of counselling are you having? To get through this specialist therapy might be more helpful. Is your counselling via the NHS?

This organisation looks helpful (in case you are not already aware of them):

www.pac-uk.org/our-services/adopted-adults/

They look like they would be well placed to assist you to find help. They have a free helpline.

You mention feeling slow and not very clever, but you do write very articulately. Advice on the genetics side of things could clarify what might be and what is not the result of what happened.

Do keep posting.

I'd write the letters and expose him.

Why should he get away with that shit.

So sorry your going through this, what a devastating discovery.
As pp said upthread, whatever you do, do it for you, make sure it's what you want.
I'm sure there are plenty of us here who are here to talk to you and listen whenever you are feeling down, but I'm also sure your not a burden on your husband and he will also want to help you, so don't shut him out, he could feel pushed away which could lead to problem for you both down the line.

I know it's a side issue, but there really is no risk to your children and grandchildren (genetically, I mean - please keep them away from your uncle).

The risk was to you, if both siblings had a copy of a risky recessive gene, you could end up with two copies and no fully functioning version from the other parent to compensate. However, your eggs only have one copy of whatever gene and therefore the risk isn't passed on. This is my line of work, I have worked on the genetics of isolated populations.

I also doubt you are as low intelligence as you suggest, you write articulately and well on a difficult topic. The problems you have had could just as easily be stress related.

Thank you for the recent posts and I will keep posting thank you.

PawsomePugFancier Thank you, having it clarified is a weight off my mine. I'd already told the kids this, but to begin with they were very worried. The first already has 2 dc, so I'm a granny too. The second was the one really worried, but he seems to believe it will be fine for any future children.

I'm so, so sorry that this happened to you OP.

Although you can't predict how your half-siblings will react, I think for your own mental health you need to send that letter to try to achieve some sort of closure.