can of worms

[canofoldworms]

Have nc for this.
I've posted about this before, but didn't get many responses, not in AIBU so please be gentle.

I'm mid 50's and adopted, I have half brother and half sister I've never met. They know about me though and are in their 40's.
Our mum died when they were teens, I never met her.

Having recently done my DNA I found that I couldn't link anything so a friend sent my DNA to cece moore associates in America, after being tested by Durham University.
There was no mistaking my father is also my uncle.
My mum was 15 and raped by her brother and I'm the product of incest, rape and paedophilia.

If you were my siblings would you want to know?
What would you do tell, or keep.

I've written the letter you don't post and it helped me a bit, but I'm currently in counselling and can't move on.
I burst out crying at nothing, my kids are/were worried about birth defects for their future children.
I'm a mess and was thinking of writing the letter we do post.

AIBU to write and post a letter to him (bf) and my half sibs.
or Just write one to him.
I know that leaving it won't give me closure, I have lost a fair amount of weight as was throwing up for 6 weeks when I first found out and it's taking over my life.
My dh said leave it, could be opening up another can of worms, but surely I have the right under the circumstances to be able to move forward.
Would you want to know if you were one of my siblings.

Unless I'm.mustaken here, your biological father & uncle, whom you know is an incestuous, paedophile rapist .. has apparently abused at least one of your half sibling's children - and the child on disclosing has been disbelieved and beaten????

This is surely an urgent police and social services matter; to get help & justice for the abuse victim (and any other victims who may disclose) and to prevent ongoing risk of abuse.

This needs to be reported to authorities asap. It should have been reported when the child or young person who disclosed abuse was disbelieved and beaten.

Let alone with this latest development.

OP my lovely oldest sister made the same discovery as you, our uncle was her dad and for a long time she seemed broken by this information. When he died it was revealed that he has abused his sister, his daughters and when he began abusing his granddaughter was when his wife snapped and threw him out of the family home. He died alone, never prosecuted and it was too good a death for him.

To reassure you my sister had four healthy kids, 8 grandchildren also all healthy and all are still boisterous and well today. Be gentle with yourself, if you feel like reporting this do so, you have no obligation to protect a secret like this. When we found out about our sister we closed around her to protect her, we loved her fiercely and she was always our big sister. Take care OP.

Gilbert

Not quite, it was a cousin when she was a child herself.
She hasn't confided in me, it was another cousin who told me.
I doubt the victim will come forward as when I told her about the Uncle she didn't confide in me.
It didn't seem right to say other cousin had told me, and with the victim being in therapy and I don't know her well, it was a difficult situation.
There are no children now except visitors, but that is enough as they all take their kids there, it's still the old family home.
I've never been, never met this Uncle/father and really don't want to go.
The whole place needs burning down.

Dontbeme I'm so so sorry your sister went through this too, but lovely that her family looked after her.

Do sorry you found this dreadful news out after your Mum died. Is the rapist still alive? If so I would be going to the police because a crime was committed. When something like this is in your head I don't think it will be easy to work through. Good you have a counselor though. I would tell them because I think saying nothing condones his action. He deserves to be made to face up to his own actions. I think you might feel better knowing he had been exposed. Take care of yourself OP.

I would agree, the best course of action is to report to the police. There has been a case before where the existence of the child was proof of the crime.

If you were to report to the police you'd be relieved of all further responsibility and decision making, which I would find a relief.

Whatever you decide to do, it is entirely in your hands and you have the right to do whatever will help you the most.

I'm so sorry.

I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to report to the Police, but after speaking to a friend, retired from Police, I feel more able, so will report tomorrow.
Apparently then can make a call just to let him know that we know what he did. I don't think they will prosecute but not sure.
I'm certainly less scared of reporting now, and thank you for the posts, and support.

OP, my god this is utterly heartbreaking. I can't tell you how sad I am for you. I wish I could give you a big hug & make it all go away.

Without a doubt you must report. Why should he take his vile secret crimes to the grave? He deserves to suffer at the maximum level.

Please keep posting. I have no experience here at all but have big shoulders & mote than happy to listen & chat xxx

Thank you so much.

I was given "my story" when I applied to the adoption agency, where I missed my mum by a few months, she died just before I made contact with the family.
A few years later they asked me to keep all my ancestry private, out of respect of my mum, which I didn't question.
I should have realised in this day and age there is no stigma and nobody would bat an eyelid at an unmarried mother of the 60's.
One auntie, I met 3 of them tried to persuade me to lie and pretend my father was the same as my half siblings.
She came up with such an elaborate story how they had me too young and tried to get me back from my parents, which absolutely beggars belief.
I think the other women know too. But my grandfather wasn't told about me being born, my grandmother knew as sent mum away to have me.
I don't think she knew it was my uncle as she blamed an older auntie for allowing my mum to have a bf, when she was staying with her.
Such lies and elaborate stories they told, and of course my official documents mean nothing and they are all I had from birth.
The whole family are despicable if you ask me.
Just getting it down and not burdening my family is a huge thanks. They are so supportive and there for me, but they are getting angry at the situation now as they see me suffering.

Your poor cousin - and his other probable victims.

Still needs reported asap since he could have contact with children & young people.

I just wanted to come on and say thank you all so much for the lovely helpful and supportive posts.
It means such a lot and really gave me the strength to report today.
I spoke to two different people and another is coming to see me over the weekend.
I doubt they'll prosecute, but whilst I'm not the victim, it seemed the right time for someone to say something.
Thank you again, it's such a relief already.

@canofoldworms

Yes, the cousin is still alive but in therapy herself. Another cousin told me, I haven't heard it from the victims mouth. I have no reason to believe it isn't true though, even the thrashing

If you want to go ahead with this I think you should go the whole hog and get the bastard prosecuted

I don't think I can as a third party?
Although, I could be wrong, I thought it was up to Police/ Crown prosecution.

I realised that had I not been adopted I would have been next in line after my cousin. She can't come forward, but I can.
Ok, it's made me ill for a few months, my poor cousin has dealt with this all her life.
I needed strength to report, I was so weak and counselling hasn't worked, this time.
The people on here really have given me the strength and I can't thank you enough.

Well done. I hope he goes to prison

You’re doing so well, @canofoldworms 💜💜 Taking that step is huge progress.

Please don’t conclude that you were weak. You are dealing with events that are way beyond what most people ever have to experience. I’m glad that the support on here has helped, but I would encourage you to look for the right professional help as well. A therapist with the necessary experience and skills could massively help you move through this. Someone without the right skills and experience can make you end up feeling worse (why didn’t it help? Is it my fault? etc. Been there myself). It’s not always easy to find the right person, but worth trying again when you feel able.

Gosh OP what a traumatic situation. You are the evidence of this illegal activity, there's no way the perpetrator can deny it (except may try to mitigate by saying it was consensual perhaps), and so a conviction seems really likely in my opinion.
Then you'll have to handle the fact that you shopped your own father - regardless of whether it was the right thing to do, I'm sure it was have emotional repercussions for you.

I'm a big believer though that every child is destined - every person necessary in this world, so regardless of where you came from, and how that happened, you were meant to be.

So pleased you were able to report it OP. Well done.

Well done for reporting op. I suspect you are right and he won't be prosecuted for this but your report might add weight or give them more case to look at other reports and perhaps re-open other cases.

I can't imagine what finding this information out has done to you. I am sure at some point you will find the closure to move on. It's something you can't change about yourself and should have no reflection on how you see yourself or how you think others see you.

@canofoldworms

Sending you a virtual hug and handhold OP. It must have been tough to report and you have great strength to bring this all to light. Please take care of yourself.

Thank you very much for the posts.
It really has helped so much, so many opinions and reassurance gives strength, and it's not something you can get in rl, it's not something you easily talk about with friends.
I've hardly told anyone, not that I'm ashamed, but it's such a sickening subject.
Police visit is tomorrow so i'll post with what they say.

I hope tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible, @canofoldworms. And that it even may offer some catharsis in time.

Well done canofoldworms - good on you for what you're doing! I hope the police can prosecute.

Wishing you well today OP. I think you are being incredibly brave.

I totally get your not having discussed this with many people, and it not being about shame. I too have a difficult family story, albeit very different, and although people IRL are often really supportive when I do tell them, I still find it really hard. The fear of potential stigma and judgement, as well as concerns that friends might also find it a bit overwhelming, causes a lot of anxiety. I've been in and out of counselling for most of my life, some experiences better than others, but have mostly found it hugely helpful to have a safe outlet that is just for me. I hope you can find a safe outlet for all this too IRL, as you totally deserve all the support you need.

Police man came, he was lovely.
Well, have given him all the info I know and am a bit worried now.
He took my family history and story.
I said that neither cousin will come forward, they did tell me this between them.
He did say that Police in that area might want me to tell them my cousins names, but I really can't as I know they don't want me to.
I just hope that's it now.

You’ve shown so much bravery going to the police. I can understand this has thrown you completely but it also sounds like it’s filled in some gaps and helped you to understand yourself better in terms of your learning difficulties and how you make sense of yourself and the world around you.

This is part of you, your life story and the empathy you show to your birth mum is so evident. It’ll take time for you to put this part of your story in its place - it would feel overwhelming for anyone. I hope counselling is helping and that they can continue with you, ask your counsellor about the possibility of extending if she can, some places will extend sessions if there’s a clinical need. Most of all, give yourself time and try not to judge yourself for being so affected by this - it’s something that happened to your mum but it does impact you in so many ways.

You deserve some peace and acceptance - I hope adoption gave you a better life than would have been possible in such a messed up family.

You’ve done so well to get through that, @canofoldworms. Did the police say how they could support you through this?