Hate my partner

[Stressedthequackout]

Hello everyone
Can I have some confirmation that what I’m feeling isn’t out of order?
Live with DP, have a three year old and a 6 month old - boys.
DP works 5 days a week and has sat and sun off most of the time (occasionally works sat til 1pm). I work 2 days a week and also am doing a degree so am out the house the same amount of time as him. It seems that although we are both out working/studying for the whole week, everything at home is my job. I do all the cleaning, laundry, running the children around to childcare and looking after them while they’re at home, ironing clothes for nursery, packing bags for them, making beds, etc. All in between also independently learning at home. DP comes home from work and sits on the sofa. All night. Everything I do gets undone within minutes - for example if I wipe the counter tops there will be crumbs straight away, if I mop the floor he will tread dirt through the house straight away, if I tidy things into draws he’ll get them out straight away. He’ll dump his whole sock draw out onto the dresser to find the pair he wants and just leave them. I clean the bathroom and he immediately has to go for a poo. Etc.
TODAY he is not working, I’ve been running around like a blue arsed fly cleaning and tidying the house as I had a deadline and work over the weekend so haven’t had a chance. Whilst I was cleaning the floors the baby started crying for milk and he’s just sat there watching tv. Asked if he is going to sort him out and he said he’s had enough and he’s tired?? All he has done is sit down all morning. I said this and he shhed me and said stop acting hard done by! Occasionally he will feed the baby but does this by putting him in his bouncer and propping the bottle up on a blanket - couldn’t bear to actually feed him himself.
He has also got the hump because I won’t sit down and be lazy with him - he thinks we shouldn’t worry about the house being tidy and should just relax but I can’t live in a messy house so he is sat there saying I’m being horrible to him.
I’m absolutely exasperated - I feel like I don’t even want to be near this man anymore!

Sounds like your life would be easier and you’d have less work today if you got rid of him.

*to do

I don't blame you. Tell him it's over unless you see immediate change. Explain your life will be MUCH easier without an enormous adult/toddler to look after in addition to the actual kids.

Also - he’s got the hump because I rejected his advance on me at 9am because I was trying to get the children ready. Now saying I don’t love him.

Well, I’d agree with him on that - and ask what he’s going to do to change my feelings.

Aside from bringing in an income, how does he enrich your life?
If he does no childcare, no household chores, pressures you for sex, and just adds to the mess, what is the point of staying in a a relationship with this man-child?

Tell him it's hard to love or be attracted to a whiny lazy manchild who thinks he doesn't have to clean his own mess or raise his own children.

Sounds as if you have three small children, not two.

I couldn't imagine ever wanting to have sex with him again - not just because he pestered me for it (although that in itself is a huge turn-off), but because lack of support and behaving as if he wasn't part of a team would make me feel so angry and alone.

Sounds almost identical to my DP, hope we're not sharing the same one

Oh god, just reading that has made me feel exhausted - and turned off - thank fuck I live alone. Son grown up and out the house too. Bliss.

I do feel very alone 😔

How are your finances, OP? Can you afford to split up?

I can afford to split up, and it’s only my name on my contract (I rented this house before we met) and could just claim the rent shortfall in universal credit.. but he says he has to stay living with the children

@Stressedthequackout

I can afford to split up, and it’s only my name on my contract (I rented this house before we met) and could just claim the rent shortfall in universal credit.. but he says he has to stay living with the children

Why when he does nothing with them? What an arse. Sorry OP - hope you can either give him the kick up the bum he needs, or kick him out

Of course you're not out of order. Everyone has different standards of mess but how does he think it's ok to be in a partnership where he does zero and his 'partner' does 100pc of what needs doing? Hiw can he think it's fair that he relaxes while you never get to? Why does his tiredness trump yours?
I expect its because he is sexist and thinks looking after children and the house is 'womens work' and not asvaluable or tiring as work that earns money, and it's your job to serve him as he is more important than you.

I dont think he will admit this though, think if you speak to him he will promise to change at best without doing anything about it, or accuse you of nagging at worst

If he cant even be arsed to feed his own baby, it will be a long and painful process to get him doing the minimum you're happy with and it will take drastic action. Would he agree to counselling? If not I think I'd make plans to leave, his behaviour will grind you down til you cant stand him

Also its not his choice. He doesnt get to demand to stay and I can't imagine him actually wanting custody

but he says he has to stay living with the children

Fuck knows why?! He doesn't seem to do anything with them, based on what you've said.

In your position, I'd kick him out. Trust me, your life won't be easy (with working and looking after two young children) but it will be easier with one less (man)child to clean up after, cook for and, generally, have to please.

I know if someone just refuses to leave it's a problem. Just goes to show though, as nobody reasonable would refuse to leave when a relationship isn't working out. Have you got seperate bedrooms?

Stop any domestic things you do that relate to him, don't buy food he eats, treat him as a housemate. In every way.

What way do you split bills and the children's expenses?

Ask him why he wants to stay with the children when he takes fuck all notice of them?

I feel like I don’t even want to be near this man anymore!

1. I don’t blame you
2. You know what the solution is...

Occasionally he will feed the baby but does this by putting him in his bouncer and propping the bottle up on a blanket - couldn’t bear to actually feed him himself.

Bottle propping is so dangerous! He's so lazy he would rather risk his baby choking to death than just hold him while he feeds??

“Has to live with the children” am sure this guy means “has to live where mammy does my laundry and cooks my dinner”

Bin him OP, sounds like you can afford to. It’s wonderful when you can just live life without someone dragging you down

Ask him to move out over the lockdown for a trial separation. Your name is on the contract, so no need for him to stay.

I would NOT be putting up with this, and the lockdown is only going to magnify and amplify emotions. He can move back to his parents and get a taste for life without you, maybe then he will step up and become the parent and proper dp to you. Maybe he won't. Either way I wouldn't be doing four weeks of lockdown with him for now.

He does nothing for his children.

Get rid of him.

Complete waste of space.

He makes your life harder.

Whynhave you put up with this?

I can afford to split up, and it’s only my name on my contract

So stay with him and put up with it. It’s your choice.