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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel disgusted over my own mother’s opinion on free lunches in the holidays?

90 replies

j101112 · 03/11/2020 12:12

I totally understand we all have different opinions on this. I don’t want to this a debate on whether children should get free meals in the holidays. But I feel like I need to rant.

My mum had me when she was quite young. She was a single mum and went onto have my brother but that relationship didn’t last long. She was a single mum to both of us until she met our stepdad when we were a little older.

She didn’t have much money. We got free school meals at school, not in the holidays because obviously it wasn’t a thing then but I can guarantee you if she was given vouchers to spend she would have taken them. As well as not having much money she was always terrible with money too. She would go out 3 nights a week and smoke straight cigarettes also which didn’t help.

Now, here’s the thing. We didn’t go without. We were fed and clothed because of my wonderful grandparents!! They stepped up. We were always there, they always gave my mums money for food and clothes for us. My mum never give us breakfast and we’d be given a biscuit in the car.

Without my grandparents we would pretty much be starving and in poverty. It was a mix of a single parent not having much money and also being terrible with money.

Sorry if this is long but my mum is now older, wiser and re married with children much younger than me. They don’t struggle. She is considerably better off.

Yet she’s been very nasty about how the whole free school meal things ‘why should tax payers pay’ - bearing in mind she doesn’t work but her husband does, ‘people shouldn’t have kids if they can’t feed them’ etc etc. She is entitled to this opinion but she’s forgotten what things were lien when her older children were little. Like I said we would have gone hungry if it wasn’t for my grandma and grandpa.

Aibu to be annoyed that she’s forgotten what things were like for us?? We didn’t starve but without our grandparents providing us we would have!

OP posts:
EatPrayYoga · 03/11/2020 12:13

I'm surprised you didn't remind her or even say "I suppose we were lucky as we had grandma"

user1493413286 · 03/11/2020 12:13

Yeo I’d be frustrated too; I guess she’s rewritten history in her head. Did you say anything to her about the past?

Curiosity101 · 03/11/2020 12:16

YANBU. She could well be in denial.

LividLaughLurve · 03/11/2020 12:18

I’d pick her up on it every time.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/11/2020 12:19

YANBU. My own mother has awful views on this as well. Had I had a childhood like yours I'd be talking some straight home truths with her.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 03/11/2020 12:21

Wow, that’s really rewriting history in her part. I would certainly be pointing out that unlike you not every child has grandparents who will/can step up when the parents are skint (or like in your case because the parents are selfish and generally pretty shit)

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 03/11/2020 12:22

Yanbu. My mum is the same. Apparently single mums should all live in workhouses communes so they can share jobs and childcare, then they wouldn't need benefits. She seems to forget that she, and I, was/am single mums who claimed benefits in various forms. When I mentioned that she said "I don't mean single mums like us" Hmm
And apparently its unfair that I get FSM vouchers in the holidays and my brother doesn't when his dc also get fsm. She can't seem to see the difference between income based fsm like my dc get, and universal ks1 fsm that my nephews get.

WitchOfTheWest · 03/11/2020 12:22

My mother is like this! Bitches about 'scroungers' claiming benefits yet she's not worked herself in over 45 years. She was on benefits herself the whole time!

Bagelsandbrie · 03/11/2020 12:24

Remind her about your grandparents. Let her know you haven’t forgotten. My own mum was terrible for stuff like this. She thought my childhoods was amazing when it absolutely wasn’t - she had schizophrenia and alcohol issues and quite often would just forget to feed me. Really horrible. But as I got older I would let her know how bad things were for me. I accept some of it was her own illness and have some sympathy for that but a lot of it was just her being a bad parent.

SocialBees · 03/11/2020 12:25

YANBU. As you say it's fine for people to have different opinions, but given the background she sounds like a hypocrite.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 03/11/2020 12:26

My bro in law is the same. Had a grey patch in the 80s and couldn't find work after his marriage broke up. Lived on benefits for a few years while doing cash in hand jobs.

Sorted himself out, got a decent job and has prospered ever since. Suddenly, he thinks benefits are too much and free dinners shouldn't be happening,

Calmandmeasured1 · 03/11/2020 12:26

I'd remind her that you had to have free school meals and that your grandparents helped out. Maybe she has re-written history because she finds it difficult to face up to how hard life was back then.

SandyY2K · 03/11/2020 12:28

Why didn't you remind her of when she couldn't afford meals and you and your git FSM?

I would have done so in a nice way.

ZombieAttack · 03/11/2020 12:30

Call her out, every time.

I also had fsm as a child, different circumstances as I lost a parent and we really had no money.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/11/2020 12:33

I was going to say it’s easy to forget what it’s like having no money at all when you’ve got money but it seems that she’s ignoring her poor parenting too.

I’m not great with money but feeding my children is 100% my priority. It should have been hers. Definitely remind her of this.

workhomesleeprepeat · 03/11/2020 12:35

I would remind her that you were on FSM! Though tbh she doesn’t sound like she was a very committed parent, surely this isn’t the first time she’s been shown to have a shitty attitude about something

j101112 · 03/11/2020 12:39

Thanks all. My mum isn’t the easiest person to speak to. I was too scared to say something at the time as she can get very defensive and deny it! This is the case for a lot of things during my childhood. Didn’t have the easiest time but that’s another story.

I’m not exaggerating when I say we would of had nothing if it wasn’t for grandparents. It was both a mix of being a single mum on benefits with little money anyway on top of being rubbish with money!

I too have been a single mum. For the first 3 years of my sons life (he’s 10 now) when my sons dad left me for another woman when I was pregnant. I did okay as I’ve always been good with money, had savings and my own place etc. But I will admit to being on benefits for part of that time, receiving, healthy start vouchers, 2 year funding etc to help out. I’m not ashamed of it! We needed to get by and the help was there!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 03/11/2020 12:42

Oh gosh I'd have to say something...perhaps, "well not all families are lucky enough to have grandparents to step in and help like we did" and see what she says

oldwhyno · 03/11/2020 12:43

Nobody wants children, or anyone else for that matter, to go hungry. But free school meals should be exactly that. Free meals you get at school.

Welfare provision outside of school time, shouldn't be the responsibility of the DoE, LEA's, Academies, schools, governors, headteachers, teachers or anyone else involved in education. It should also go to children who aren't in school.

Calling for free "school" meals when children aren't at school baffles me. What they mean is "free meals".

[AUTO]z5ct9kh1yinhi · 03/11/2020 12:44

Either people are entitled to opinions or they are not.

Being poor doesn’t mean you have to agree with policies than benefit the poor.

Tippexy · 03/11/2020 12:45

On the flip side, your OP shows exactly why a centralised system of vouchers (which can be spent on anything), really isn't a good idea... You say your mum would have taken the vouchers, spent them on something else as she was terrible with money, and you were only fed thanks to your grandparents...

Vouchers are not the solution.

JemimaPyjamas · 03/11/2020 12:56

Slightly different scenario, but my mother likes to rewrite history too - she apparently had 'no help at all' when we were growing up, hence she justifies not offering help now (with childcare, I mean, not money - ironically we are the one's who have since helped her with money.) Her prerogative with that but I used to be with my grandparents and / or my aunt and uncle on a weekly basis! Plus, they took me on holiday many many times. She too also gets nasty if this is mentioned, hence it's not worth the bother. Maybe they both want to reinvent themselves as far more involved or competent as they actually were!

jessstan1 · 03/11/2020 12:57

Some people have selective memories and always want to present themselves in a good light because to do otherwise would mean facing up to unpalatable truths. Your mum is one of them. So was mine in different ways.

Just ignore if you can, if you can't, tell her! However she is likely to deny everything.

Try to concentrate on your mum's good points; she is older and wiser now and bound to have some.

Sailingtelltales · 03/11/2020 13:01

It’s probably guilt on her part. She knows she neglected her kids a little and let her own mum financially bail her out regularly.
Now she’s older and wiser it must grate on her conscience.
But hey, she’s allowed her mistakes, she was young. She should let herself move on, which starts with treating others how she’d like to be treated herself. Never too late.

I was also told once that the people who shout loudest about how happy they are, everything’s just so fantastic and blessed and perfect, are the ones who are likely the unhappiest, and desperately trying to keep up an image, because without that image shrouding them protectively, they’re empty inside and they don’t want people to know that.

WitsEnding · 03/11/2020 13:02

I sympathise - my mother is inclined to hold forth on the low pension for people who have worked all their lives. Don’t disagree but I have to remind her she actually worked less than 10 years all told.