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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel disgusted over my own mother’s opinion on free lunches in the holidays?

90 replies

j101112 · 03/11/2020 12:12

I totally understand we all have different opinions on this. I don’t want to this a debate on whether children should get free meals in the holidays. But I feel like I need to rant.

My mum had me when she was quite young. She was a single mum and went onto have my brother but that relationship didn’t last long. She was a single mum to both of us until she met our stepdad when we were a little older.

She didn’t have much money. We got free school meals at school, not in the holidays because obviously it wasn’t a thing then but I can guarantee you if she was given vouchers to spend she would have taken them. As well as not having much money she was always terrible with money too. She would go out 3 nights a week and smoke straight cigarettes also which didn’t help.

Now, here’s the thing. We didn’t go without. We were fed and clothed because of my wonderful grandparents!! They stepped up. We were always there, they always gave my mums money for food and clothes for us. My mum never give us breakfast and we’d be given a biscuit in the car.

Without my grandparents we would pretty much be starving and in poverty. It was a mix of a single parent not having much money and also being terrible with money.

Sorry if this is long but my mum is now older, wiser and re married with children much younger than me. They don’t struggle. She is considerably better off.

Yet she’s been very nasty about how the whole free school meal things ‘why should tax payers pay’ - bearing in mind she doesn’t work but her husband does, ‘people shouldn’t have kids if they can’t feed them’ etc etc. She is entitled to this opinion but she’s forgotten what things were lien when her older children were little. Like I said we would have gone hungry if it wasn’t for my grandma and grandpa.

Aibu to be annoyed that she’s forgotten what things were like for us?? We didn’t starve but without our grandparents providing us we would have!

OP posts:
GetTheDoorFrank · 03/11/2020 14:21

Yanbu and i would have to say something to her i wouldnt be able not to

Onadifferentuniverse · 03/11/2020 14:22

It’s appalling that children have to go hungry/ without heating and instead of dealing with the wider issue the government stretch the school meals over holidays.
What about the children who aren’t school age.

I think we should be fighting against the bigger issue and not stretching school meals, no?

MzHz · 03/11/2020 14:30

Oh yes, I’d be reminding her of grandma alright

AND the out 3 nights a week, the smoking etc... I’d be saying how her kids now have no idea what it was like for you

I hate people who did a shit job because they cba to do the right thing who then go on to rewrite history

That’s why I don’t see my own mother any more

OneTC · 03/11/2020 14:35

Am I the only one that thinks that being critical of adding to tax payer burden and accepting money from your own family are in fact fully coherent and non contradictory?

But accepting the money from her parents she was literally not burdening the tax payer with anything.

On the subject of free meals for kids though I think they should have free meals I just don't see how your mum's views are hypocritical in any way

lazylump72 · 03/11/2020 14:39

What would you achieve by calling her out on it OP? My guess woud be nothing but upset and falling out.You have your own opinions and truth and she will have hers ,I dont think you will ever have the satisfaction of her admitting her own faults though. I would ignore her ramblings and move on.I just cant see what you have to gain from proving a point sadly but I can feel the repercussions of calling her out over it and you should bear that in mind....I think you would be a daughter to be proud of if you were mine...your head is screwed on totally the right way...just have a think before you go barging in putting her right..is it really worth it? Maybe it would be I dont know...

contrmary · 03/11/2020 14:46

I think your mother has those opinions precisely because she remembers what it was like when she had children.

She remembers that her children struggled and benefited from free school meals, but she also remembers that part of the reason was her own inability to manage her finances, spending the little money she did have on cigarettes and frequent nights out.

So it's not a great shock that she assumes that to an extent a lot of people who "need" free school meals today come from families which are frittering away their money on fags and booze, and why should she feel obliged to support them?

Buddytheelf85 · 03/11/2020 14:51

I think this sort of selective memory is quite typical of people who want to distance themselves from their past.

I agree with @mindutopia. My father is similar - not over the same thing, but very capable of re-writing history in his mind. He loves to mouth off about ‘scroungers’ but forgets he didn’t work and drank for 15 years, and what money he does have, he inherited rather than earning!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 03/11/2020 14:55

Some people have selective memories and always want to present themselves in a good light because to do otherwise would mean facing up to unpalatable truths.

^^@jessstan1 summed it up really well, IMO. Some people prefer to rewrite history rather than face some unpalatable truths.

My Dad does this sometimes, especially when he's made a decision that he later regrets. I've become the villain in one decision he made, because apparently I encouraged him to move house several years ago and it wasn't a good decision. He now says he preferred the old house/area.

It's a complete fabrication! He said he desperately wanted to move and I didn't think it was the best idea, but he was determined! My DH clearly remembers everything and shakes his head in disbelief when my Dad moans about it from time to time. It's easier to blame me than take responsibility for his own actions.

But, I agree with lazylump that you probably won't achieve anything by calling out your Mum. I don't bother trying with my elderly Dad, it's not going to change their minds.

Fizbosshoes · 03/11/2020 14:56

Some of my family are a bit like this and are quite snobby about people who live on council estates despite most some of them growing up in council housing.

Iwantacookie · 03/11/2020 15:01

Yanbu my dm has similar views.
I point out shes including her daughter and grandchildren and her answer is always "I dont mean you I mean proper people an the dole" (dp is disabled and I am his full time carer) she cant elaborate any more though Hmm

MintyCedric · 03/11/2020 15:15

I think a lot of older people either forget what it was like for them or harbour resentment about how much 'easier' people have it today Wink.

I once worked a for a woman in her late 50's (mum of two, grandma of 5) who had the most enormous chip on her shoulder about maternity leave entitlement.

Feelinggoodtuesday · 03/11/2020 15:19

Couldn’t agree more @jessstan1

It’s also interesting how the debate on feeding children is focusing on semantics. Call it free meals or free school meals, it really doesn’t matter just now. What’s needed is an immediate solution to a current problem.

I remember 11 odd years ago when a certain Dave started the scroungers v strivers dichotomy and I thought crikey, win an election by inciting a culture war and watch it evolve and tear out the fabric of your society. Decade on, here we are. Jeez.

Nottherealslimshady · 03/11/2020 15:25

Well she sounds lovely. I would have to challenge her on it.

Belladonna12 · 03/11/2020 15:34

It's not unusual for people like your mother to have her attitude. She probably likes to think that she provided everything for you herself. Definitely point it that she didn't but she will probably disagree. I have found that my parents generation sometimes have very selective memories regarding their parenting.

user1471565182 · 03/11/2020 15:35

Reminds me of my step relative who rants on and on about 'the blacks' and immigrants- despite being from denmark herself.

user1471565182 · 03/11/2020 15:37

This reply has been deleted

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ClareBlue · 03/11/2020 15:39

I see this all the time in my work. Some of us don't mind paying taxes so that children are housed and fed and if that means some people take advantage then so be it. After all it's not like some people/companies avoid paying their share of tax, is it.
It's one thing reinventing history, but another thing criticising those who do exactly what you did. When did we all become so mean?
You must have some self control not to confront her every time.

FourTeaFallOut · 03/11/2020 15:40

It's very rare that someone will change their opinion, less so when they have ego riding on it - as does your Mum who has fabricated an approximation of her child rearing years in which she is the hero who triumphed in adversity. I'd just nod my head and add a bunch more stuff to the food bank whenever she brings it up.

FourTeaFallOut · 03/11/2020 15:42

even less so

ClareBlue · 03/11/2020 15:43

And I agree the switch to a 'deserving' poor model is very dangerous. The Victorians used to do this. Some of us hoped we had moved on a bit since then.

ClareBlue · 03/11/2020 15:47

@user1471565182

I find about 75% of that generation have selective memories to be honest- complete with the whole imagined idea that they fought in world war 2.
I didn't fight in the war to let a bunch of French cowards work in my hospital..er..you didn't fight in the war, you were 5.Grin
TW2013 · 03/11/2020 16:05

It sounds as if she was a fairly selfish person then not feeding you properly and prioritising herself and is a fairly selfish person now wanting to keep all her money for herself. If you view it in that way she is entirely consistent, although not very nice. I agree with others show your appreciation to your grandparents if they are still around and remember who she has shown herself to be.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 03/11/2020 16:24

My mum is very hypocritical also; used to slag off the way people lived and look down on them, all the time she couldn't even cook a meal for her own kids and we lived off crisps and chocolate.

However I do think that people have the right to think whatever they think and hold whatever opinion they wish. So YABU to be annoyed with her over her thoughts.

Mollyboom · 03/11/2020 16:33

Cognitive Dissonance. She also probably knows deep down but covers this guilt with a new found disgust at the poor. I think it's called projection. You are very unlikely to be able to reason with her.

I was a recipient of free school meals and was a product of the welfare state- that is not because my parents were shit it was just due to circumstances. I am eternally grateful that the welfare safety net existed and a good free education system enabled me to achieve what I have today. I would happily pay more taxes to ensure that no child ever goes hungry.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 03/11/2020 16:35

^I think your mother has those opinions precisely because she remembers what it was like when she had children.

She remembers that her children struggled and benefited from free school meals, but she also remembers that part of the reason was her own inability to manage her finances, spending the little money she did have on cigarettes and frequent nights out.

So it's not a great shock that she assumes that to an extent a lot of people who "need" free school meals today come from families which are frittering away their money on fags and booze, and why should she feel obliged to support them^

You know what, I think contrmary has hit the nail on the head. I have some strong views about benefits. I think there should always be a system that looks after the disabled, the elderly and those temporarily down on their luck. But I am also of the opinion that there is a sizeable group of people who would happily live the rest of their days on benefits and not work. I hold this opinion because I grew up in a family and wider extended family of such people. People who would rather spend their days watching daytime tele and have spare time to do as they please. That's the kind of large family and much larger extended family I grew up in. I've experienced this first hand, I'm not just some clueless privilege person spouting nonsense. So yes, i do get pissed off when i see those who choose not to work sitting around on benefits, earning around the same as a low paid worker once rent, council tax etc are taken into account.