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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel disgusted over my own mother’s opinion on free lunches in the holidays?

90 replies

j101112 · 03/11/2020 12:12

I totally understand we all have different opinions on this. I don’t want to this a debate on whether children should get free meals in the holidays. But I feel like I need to rant.

My mum had me when she was quite young. She was a single mum and went onto have my brother but that relationship didn’t last long. She was a single mum to both of us until she met our stepdad when we were a little older.

She didn’t have much money. We got free school meals at school, not in the holidays because obviously it wasn’t a thing then but I can guarantee you if she was given vouchers to spend she would have taken them. As well as not having much money she was always terrible with money too. She would go out 3 nights a week and smoke straight cigarettes also which didn’t help.

Now, here’s the thing. We didn’t go without. We were fed and clothed because of my wonderful grandparents!! They stepped up. We were always there, they always gave my mums money for food and clothes for us. My mum never give us breakfast and we’d be given a biscuit in the car.

Without my grandparents we would pretty much be starving and in poverty. It was a mix of a single parent not having much money and also being terrible with money.

Sorry if this is long but my mum is now older, wiser and re married with children much younger than me. They don’t struggle. She is considerably better off.

Yet she’s been very nasty about how the whole free school meal things ‘why should tax payers pay’ - bearing in mind she doesn’t work but her husband does, ‘people shouldn’t have kids if they can’t feed them’ etc etc. She is entitled to this opinion but she’s forgotten what things were lien when her older children were little. Like I said we would have gone hungry if it wasn’t for my grandma and grandpa.

Aibu to be annoyed that she’s forgotten what things were like for us?? We didn’t starve but without our grandparents providing us we would have!

OP posts:
SomeSmotheringDreams · 03/11/2020 17:01

@MintyCedric

I think a lot of older people either forget what it was like for them or harbour resentment about how much 'easier' people have it today Wink.

I once worked a for a woman in her late 50's (mum of two, grandma of 5) who had the most enormous chip on her shoulder about maternity leave entitlement.

Nice bit of ageism there. Nothing like assigning blanket opinions to a group because they share one characteristic.
SomeSmotheringDreams · 03/11/2020 17:03

@user1471565182

I find about 75% of that generation have selective memories to be honest- complete with the whole imagined idea that they fought in world war 2.
And even more ageism. You've presumably polled 75% of 'that generation' to be so certain of millions of people's views?
janjanpan · 03/11/2020 17:10

Do any of you have older children or friends that have older children? - that are problematic, troubled and anti social and cannot live with you or their siblings at home?
Can I ask what happens if your older child gets to 16, 17 or 18 and they are not wanting to live with you or being problematic and need to live elsewhere or get support and help to get back on track - what do they do? I mean the type of support that parents would call in social services for. But you are unwilling to or financially able to provide for your children yourself.

Has anyone accessed private support or care that was attached to the housing - or would they be willing to pay for this help and support.

MintyCedric · 03/11/2020 17:25

@SomeSmotheringDreams

It's hardly ageism to say 'a lot of...' that is merely my personal experience.

user1471565182 · 03/11/2020 17:36

Didnt see people going on about ageism when young people were getting abused for years as 'spoilt millenial easily offended snowflakes' who expected everything for free- despite having an utterly shit future given to them

SomeSmotheringDreams · 03/11/2020 17:39

@user1471565182

Didnt see people going on about ageism when young people were getting abused for years as 'spoilt millenial easily offended snowflakes' who expected everything for free- despite having an utterly shit future given to them
Well if you consider something ageism, you should call it out.
lyralalala · 03/11/2020 17:41

I think re-writing the past is pretty common.

My brother does it. He doesn't think there should be FSM and he has a particular chip on his shoulder atm about any sort of catch up teaching for children who didn't have good access to online resources in lockdown.

He even used the phrase "Children of feckless cunts turn into feckless cunts so why bother" on his social media. Someone kindly sent me a screenshot.

However, we were literally saved by our GP's when I was 7. Without FSM (and kind teachers) we'd have starved. Without people getting involved our lives would have been ruined. Now he is an abusive repeat of our father, but of the rest of us we've done well for ourselves. So it's literally children like us that he'd like to see cast out and abandoned.

SomeSmotheringDreams · 03/11/2020 17:43

[quote MintyCedric]@SomeSmotheringDreams

It's hardly ageism to say 'a lot of...' that is merely my personal experience.[/quote]
I think a lot of older people either forget what it was like for them or harbour resentment about how much 'easier' people have it today

I don't think that's personal experience, it's an assumption based on one characteristic a group of people hold.

ConfusedcomMum · 03/11/2020 17:49

Many folk are like this though. I'm a SAHM with no family help. We are fine financially. However when my working SILs found out I was going to be a SAHM they started saying how they managed just fine balancing childcare and work without a hint of the sheer amount of childcare MIL does for them for free. A lot of people like to think they made it on their own....

formerbabe · 03/11/2020 17:51

@ConfusedcomMum

Many folk are like this though. I'm a SAHM with no family help. We are fine financially. However when my working SILs found out I was going to be a SAHM they started saying how they managed just fine balancing childcare and work without a hint of the sheer amount of childcare MIL does for them for free. A lot of people like to think they made it on their own....
It's true, I've heard loads of mums with free family childcare on tap say how they'd never leave their dc in nurseries or paid childcare and sneer at those who have to.
ConfusedcomMum · 03/11/2020 17:55

MintyCedric

I think a lot of older people either forget what it was like for them or harbour resentment about how much 'easier' people have it today.

I once worked a for a woman in her late 50's (mum of two, grandma of 5) who had the most enormous chip on her shoulder about maternity leave entitlement.

Nice bit of ageism there. Nothing like assigning blanket opinions to a group because they share one characteristic.

Tbf, I experienced this at work too. Twice with two different women. It made for a horrible atmosphere, just awful sniping. One of the reasons I was glad to be leaving work.

Veterinari · 03/11/2020 17:56

'People shouldn't have kids if they can't feed them'

I'd point out that she relied on the state and your GPs to feed you

Taxpayers shouldn't have to fund it'

I'd point out that she's not a taxpayer, and if she's spent much of her life as a SAHM to multiple children and relied on benefits then she'll have been a net drain in the NHS/tax system.

Alternatively you could try passive aggressive:
'That's interesting mum - why do you think mums today shouldn't receive the support that you did?'

nc1962 · 03/11/2020 18:21

I think it's heartbreaking that there are children going to school hungry and not being offered breakfast or dinner. I've never had fsm myself, but I think it's incredibly important. Children need to eat properly, it's not their fault if their parents are unable to, or don't provide what they need. For some people it's thorough hardship, for others, even if parents did have the money, they wouldn't prioritise providing a proper meal. It's an incredibly important thing and I don't know how anyone can begrudge it.

OnDisplay · 03/11/2020 22:32

Show your mother this @j101112. I personally think this says it all.

To feel disgusted over my own mother’s opinion on free lunches in the holidays?
OnDisplay · 03/11/2020 22:34

Show your mother this @j101112. I personally think this says it all.

To feel disgusted over my own mother’s opinion on free lunches in the holidays?
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