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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset by this good news

82 replies

NotMyCircusNotMyProblem · 02/11/2020 12:57

First of all, I know IABU but, I just wanted to write it down and get it out there so please be kind.

My DB passed away earlier this year. It was cancer. He battled it for 18 months but he just didn't respond to treatment, nothing seemed to work and every scan showed the disease to have progressed further. He was only 58.

In March of this year my FIL was diagnosed with a similar cancer. Scans showed it to be widespread but his consultant agreed to try him with some chemotherapy although even with this, they believed he would only have 3-4 months. He responded really well to the chemo. His final scan showed no trace of cancer, his consultant described it as miraculous. FIL is 79.

I AM really, really over the moon at his recovery, he's a lovely man and I'm pleased that my DH won't have to go through the loss that I've experienced. I've expressed my delight to everyone concerned and said all the right things but... inside I'm just devastated.

Devastated that my DB couldn't have the same outcome. Devastated that every treatment my DB went through just didn't work. Worse still, I find myself thinking how unfair this is - DB died so young yet FIL is 79. I feel disgusted at myself for thinking like this but, I can't help it.

I know I'm still grieving my brothers loss and I will get over it but, why is it so unfair?

OP posts:

PerpendicularVincent · 02/11/2020 13:17

I understand. My DM died of a fast growing cancer - she had an awful time.

I remember reading a few months afterwards of a woman who had the same thing and had recovered. Part of the article said 'I can even have sex, and orgasm too'. Nothing against this woman, but even now I wish she and her orgasms would just fuck off.

I get it.

Tellmeagain · 02/11/2020 13:18

I understand completely and have felt the same.

DMCWelshcakes · 02/11/2020 13:21

Totally understandable.

Thrownaway · 02/11/2020 13:23

(Gently) Of course you are being unreasonable but grief makes us all unreasonable.

It doesnt make you a bad person, or mean that you wish fil badly. Its just the twisty turning of grief.

I was in a situation where me and two friends completed an activity but only two of us survived. When i see the bereaved mum comment on my posts, i know that it is also tinged with a "why was it my daughter that died", " why does she get to graduate xyz". Shes a lovely person, and is very supportive to me but i know had very dark thoughts around her loss

I know when after years of not being able to concieve, that when i see a pregnancy anouncement I am hit by a wave of feelings. I am of course happy and glad for the family, but sad and upset for me.

Xiaoxiong · 02/11/2020 13:28

I'm so, so sorry. It's the unfairness that makes it so difficult to accept. It actually is nothing to do with your FIL at all, it's not like you could have sacrificed him to save your DB or you think one should have died so the other lived. It's just the sheer unfeeling faceless workings of nature and the universe that take no account of our lives and loves.

Religious people take comfort in believing that God moves in mysterious ways, he has a plan even if it seems unfair to us left behind, and to trust in his wisdom and general benevolence. If you are religious, I hope that helps. I've always wished I could believe - it must help so much when you are screaming into the void about how hideously unfair it is.

for you and don't worry about being devastated and having to keep a brave face on. Anyone with two brain cells would understand how this news will make you feel, especially so soon after the loss of your brother. Big, big hugs.

Fatted · 02/11/2020 13:31

YANBU.

My DSIS passed away with cancer this summer. By the time she was diagnosed it had already spread and any treatment would only ever give her time. It is so unfair that my DSIS didn't make it, she was in her 30s, had a young son and her whole life ahead of her. I have seen other's successfully go through cancer treatment and I do feel like I'm a terrible person for thinking it, but I am angry and upset that my sister didn't make it but they did.

howtobe · 02/11/2020 13:34

Oh OP, grief is a strange thing and life is a cruel thing.

Sending love to you and your family

implantsandaDyson · 02/11/2020 13:38

We had something very similar in our family - my aunt's husband died in an accident, just an unlucky, horrible, pointless accident, she wasn't there, she didn't get to say goodbye (there were lots of extra complications, too sad to go into), a few months later my dad was diagnosed with a virulent cancer (my mum and my aunt are sisters). Against the odds my dad did really well, recovered and continues to be well. My aunt feels that it was unfair that her husband was taken from her, whilst my mum still has hers. She knows its irrational, it's not anybody's fault but in sad and angry moments that's how she feels.
She tries to hide it but it comes out sometimes. She's not a horrible person, she doesn't wish my dad dead but the sheer unfairness and grief of it all is still there.

I'm so sorry about your brother.

formerbabe · 02/11/2020 13:38

So sorry for your loss

Go easy on yourself, you're not actually upset that your fil is in recovery, you're upset that your brother didn't recover.

RandomMess · 02/11/2020 13:44

I had similar one associate showing off her nipple tattoo post surgery whilst I was burying a close friend that was a single parent to 3 pre teen/teen girls her death was so fast meanwhile my estranged Mum has completed 6 years post ovarian cancer diagnosis.

Life is cruel and unfair and painful

stackemhigh · 02/11/2020 13:45

Trying to be as gentle possible, but I think you know you're BU. I lost my brother to cancer at 45, lost my cousin to type 2 diabetes at 23, my dad at 59 to cancer.

There is no rhyme or reason to any of this, it's just life and death.

Whoopsies · 02/11/2020 13:51

I survived cancer 10 years ago, I went on to get married and have 2 children. Dh's cousin had cancer 2 years after me and he died 6 months after diagnosis, he was very young. His Auntie has not coped well, obviously, and can barely even look at me and never interacts with me. I think she finds it so hard that I survived and went on to get so much out of life while her son didn't. I don't blame her at all, it's such a difficult situation to be in.

Toptotoeunicolour · 02/11/2020 13:55

You are absolutely not unreasonable to rail at the unfairness of life and the hand that was dealt to your brother, whilst at the same time being glad for the positive outcome for FIL. Be kind to yourself. You know that FIL's better luck was not at the expense of DB's bad luck - there is not a finite amount of luck to go round.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

northbacchus · 02/11/2020 13:58

It’s very unfair, no one will be thinking badly if you OP, be kind to yourself.

switswooo · 02/11/2020 13:58

His Auntie has not coped well, obviously, and can barely even look at me and never interacts with me. I think she finds it so hard that I survived and went on to get so much out of life while her son didn't. I don't blame her at all, it's such a difficult situation to be in.

Maybe I'm being harsh but I've lost many people to cancer and other diseases and I can't imagine feeling this way, let alone for years and years. I know everyone's different but I'm uncomfortable at this idea of making those who survived feel bad for surviving.

Sertchgi123 · 02/11/2020 13:59

100% understand.

Spreadingchestnut · 02/11/2020 13:59

Cut yourself some slack op. Life is unfair. . You are angry at your brother's death and you wanted him to have the same chance as your fil. There's nothing wrong in that.

AintPageantMaterial · 02/11/2020 14:01

I think you should be really proud of yourself that you have manage to conceal your (completely justifiable) upset and express your positive feelings about FiL’s recovery. It isn’t fair. It’s shit. You’re a good person for managing this aspect of your grief privately. I’d you’d like to tell us about your brother, please do.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

AintPageantMaterial · 02/11/2020 14:02

*if you’d like to

Reesewitherknife · 02/11/2020 14:05

It’s totally understandable to feel this way. Our 4 year old neice passed away from a brain tumour and I still feel a lump in my stomach when I hear of people surviving them, whilst so happy they have overcome such a horrible disease I feel angry that my neice only had 48 months on this planet. So sorry for your loss

DameFanny · 02/11/2020 14:08

YANBU at all for having this trigger fresh waves of grief.

A friend made this, which seems appropriate

cptartapp · 02/11/2020 14:08

My DF died aged 54 and my DM was killed in a car accident aged 69.
I'm so bitter my tight fisted , joyless in laws rattle on and in into their 80's, stockpiling pensions and being miserable. Plus getting ours and our DC full attention every special occasion.
I realise that's my issue though.

amusedbush · 02/11/2020 14:11

As pp have said, you're not upset that FIL survived "instead" of your DB, you're upset that he didn't survive. It sounds perfectly natural to me and I think you can be happy for your FIL but feel sad and angry about the unfairness of losing your brother at the same time. One doesn't detract from the other.

DartmoorDoughnut · 02/11/2020 14:11

Honestly if you didn’t feel like this I’d probably be worried

LittlefairyMum · 02/11/2020 14:15

Totally understand.

Life is so unfair

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