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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset by this good news

82 replies

NotMyCircusNotMyProblem · 02/11/2020 12:57

First of all, I know IABU but, I just wanted to write it down and get it out there so please be kind.

My DB passed away earlier this year. It was cancer. He battled it for 18 months but he just didn't respond to treatment, nothing seemed to work and every scan showed the disease to have progressed further. He was only 58.

In March of this year my FIL was diagnosed with a similar cancer. Scans showed it to be widespread but his consultant agreed to try him with some chemotherapy although even with this, they believed he would only have 3-4 months. He responded really well to the chemo. His final scan showed no trace of cancer, his consultant described it as miraculous. FIL is 79.

I AM really, really over the moon at his recovery, he's a lovely man and I'm pleased that my DH won't have to go through the loss that I've experienced. I've expressed my delight to everyone concerned and said all the right things but... inside I'm just devastated.

Devastated that my DB couldn't have the same outcome. Devastated that every treatment my DB went through just didn't work. Worse still, I find myself thinking how unfair this is - DB died so young yet FIL is 79. I feel disgusted at myself for thinking like this but, I can't help it.

I know I'm still grieving my brothers loss and I will get over it but, why is it so unfair?

OP posts:
SpaceOP · 02/11/2020 14:15

I'm so sorry about your brother.

As long as you say nothing to your DH or his family, YANBU for feeling this way. When my dad was diagnosed with a life-limiting illness shortly after my mum died, I admit to feeling so incredibly angry that DH's parents were just fine. I like them. I would be devastated if anything happened to them. It was just in that moment, it just seemed so bloody unfair that my parents were the ones who were dropping.

I ranted to a very close friend, secretly and privately, because I KNEW how unreasonable and unfair I was being. And I did get over it. I think it's an understandable emotion but nonetheless one that you should keep to yourself. YOu're doing the right thing by coming on here to vent rather than saying anything in RL.

PinkArt · 02/11/2020 14:17

You aren't unreasonable, grief is. There was a time after my mum died when I was furious that my dad hadn't lost his mum, who was so much older.

My nan was one of my favourite people in the world, who I never wanted anything bad to happen to, and when she died a few years later I was devastated. And while he hadn't lost his mum, my dad had lost his wife of over 30 years.

I knew at the time it was totally and utterly irrational but for some reason it was just something my brain needed to work though. Grieving is a very strange process

MrsPerfect12 · 02/11/2020 14:18

Flowers it's the grief. Please be kind to yourself. Sorry to hear about your brother.

IrmaFayLear · 02/11/2020 14:25

I hear ya, cptartapp. My parents died before their time. Missed out on my dc. The pil would not have recognised my dc in a line up Sad

LittleGwyneth · 02/11/2020 14:26

You're very, very, very allowed to feel this way. Grief isn't an especially reasonable emotion. As long as you're not making it clear to the rest of the family that you feel this way, you're not doing at all wrong.

TableFlowerss · 02/11/2020 14:30

You’re not being awful at all. It’s the unfairness. It’s been said before, the younger someone is, the more tragic it is.

I suspect if the ages were reversed, you wouldn’t feel as you do. Dying in your 50’s in this day and age is terribly sad.

My mam died mid 50’s and to this day I get annoyed with how unfortunate it is and how unfair, because that was young to die. I had she been 88 I wouldn’t have felt that way. I would have been more ready to accept that she’d had a full life. Mid 50’s isn’t a full life.

So you’re not alone in your thoughts OP.

Poppingnostopping · 02/11/2020 14:32

It does seem very unfair when people are taken before their time. I sometimes feel that when I consider how much my lovely relative who died recently would have given anything to live this year, but so many people on mumsnet hate their lives and some don't even want to live this year- even writing it down shows how absurd it is because other people's desire to live or ability to find happiness isn't related to his death at all. It's just grief and a sense of unfairness. If I play out the whole scenario- I also conclude that my relative had nearly 50 good years, whereas some children only get a few, like the poster upthread (hugs to you).

These feelings of unfairness are all normal, so hard though.

barberousbarbara · 02/11/2020 14:34

Sorry for your loss Flowers . You're allowed to feel like this.

I doubt it's of any comfort but the same diagnosis and treatment can have very different results. I'm part of a clinical research trial for breast cancer. We're all having different responses, some better than others, yet we've all had the same diagnosis. Life is truly unfair.

Georgeoftheinternet · 02/11/2020 14:35

Children aren’t supposed to die before their parents. Your feelings are valid, don’t be so harsh c

PatriciaPerch · 02/11/2020 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janegrey333 · 02/11/2020 14:36

@NotMyCircusNotMyProblem

First of all, I know IABU but, I just wanted to write it down and get it out there so please be kind.

My DB passed away earlier this year. It was cancer. He battled it for 18 months but he just didn't respond to treatment, nothing seemed to work and every scan showed the disease to have progressed further. He was only 58.

In March of this year my FIL was diagnosed with a similar cancer. Scans showed it to be widespread but his consultant agreed to try him with some chemotherapy although even with this, they believed he would only have 3-4 months. He responded really well to the chemo. His final scan showed no trace of cancer, his consultant described it as miraculous. FIL is 79.

I AM really, really over the moon at his recovery, he's a lovely man and I'm pleased that my DH won't have to go through the loss that I've experienced. I've expressed my delight to everyone concerned and said all the right things but... inside I'm just devastated.

Devastated that my DB couldn't have the same outcome. Devastated that every treatment my DB went through just didn't work. Worse still, I find myself thinking how unfair this is - DB died so young yet FIL is 79. I feel disgusted at myself for thinking like this but, I can't help it.

I know I'm still grieving my brothers loss and I will get over it but, why is it so unfair?

I can quite understand. Of course it’s devastating when someone who has many years to live, and much to live for, dues at a relatively young age while someone else who had probably lived beyond or to a natural lifespan survives. It IS unfair and it is quite normal to feel that. I can think knot a similar circumstance in my own family. I resent it.,
Janegrey333 · 02/11/2020 14:37

...dues...

dies

diddl · 02/11/2020 14:37

I get it, Op.

My mum died more that 20yrs ago in her early 60s.

She would have been a fabulous GM.

Ils have just never made the effort.

Fuckers.

I know it's not the same, Op, but the unfairness of it makes me want to scream.

Janegrey333 · 02/11/2020 14:39

I can quite understand. Of course it’s devastating when someone who has many years to live, and much to live for, dies at a relatively young age while someone else who has probably lived beyond or to a natural lifespan survives. It IS unfair and it is quite normal to feel that. I can think of a similar circumstance in my own family. I resent it.

My apologies. I should have used Preview.

unmarkedbythat · 02/11/2020 14:45
Flowers

I'm so sorry, op

RoseTintedAtuin · 02/11/2020 14:54

It’s not unreasonable. It’s entirely unfair and completely shit. You would never wish you FIL harm but his survival and all the good coming from it reminds you of the pain and loss that you experienced and so it is bitter-sweet. I would try to talk about it with a friend who is not too close to your DH if you can just to get it out. But yes it would be hard for those close to your FIL to hear as they are feeling the relief which is great. Keep going OP Flowers

CoronaBollox · 02/11/2020 14:55

I'm sorry OP. I've been there and the thoughts make you feel worse, like a heartless cow, but its normal.

My DM died in a tragic way in my teens, she was in her late 30s.I walked around for a looooooong time. Angry at all the shit mothers still there but my lovely DM wasnt. Angry at people who had their DMs still but didnt appreciate them (they did but my brain would twist it) why her, why not someone else's mum.

It's normal, grieving is so strange. You are not a bad person.

Member984815 · 02/11/2020 14:56

The way you are feeling is completely natural , when fil died my dh kept seeing way older people at the funeral sympathising and he was upset that his father was dead and these older people were still alive , my own mother felt the same when her mother died and my father's mother was still alive even though she was older , she was angry about it . It's a normal way to feel

shrill · 02/11/2020 15:00

Life is so unfair. When my dearest DM passed away I experienced similar feelings for other reasons. Sorry for what you are experiencing OP.

Shedbuilder · 02/11/2020 15:02

Yes, of course I understand. I've lost two friends to breast cancer — one in her 40s with young children and one just a few weeks before her 60th birthday, when she was due to retire from a long and demanding career and go travelling and studying, which she'd longer for.

I'm pleased for every woman who emerges cancer-free but every time I celebrate with one of them I can't help but remember Jen and Helen, who didn't. As you grow older moments of happiness are increasingly tinged with sadness for all those who didn't make it this far. Condolences to you. The loss of a sibling is a major thing.

LaLaFlottes · 02/11/2020 15:04

I'm so sorry - and you are not being unreasonable, you are grieving.

It's the unfairness of the situation that is hurting you, it's not a personal thing wishing for a bad outcome for your FIL, it's just so unfair and that's why you feel this way.

Hopefully it will pass, as your grief lessens but in the meantime be kind to yourself Flowers

CeibaTree · 02/11/2020 15:06

I 100% understand how you feel. My 66 year old mum died from lung cancer despite extensive chemo and radiotherapy, yet a friend's 73 year old father responded well to treatment and is still going strong 10 years later. I am very sorry for the loss of your brother. Your feelings are perfectly reasonable under the circumstances.

BeautifulWar · 02/11/2020 15:07

Totally human reaction. I'm really sorry for your loss Flowers

doodlejump1980 · 02/11/2020 15:11

@cptartapp are you me? I also have a joyless “MIL” (FIL’s partner) who moans about everything in sight, doesn’t give two hoots about anything and is just generally miserable whilst my Mum and my husband’s Mum are both no longer with us and both of whom would’ve been doting grannies on our boys. Why is it always the miserable angry people who get to live long lives. Flowers to you in solidarity.

Graciebobcat · 02/11/2020 15:11

YANBU, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's natural to feel cheated that your DB couldn't have had the same chance and it's just very sad. The internet is the perfect place to express these things that you couldn't say to family. Flowers

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