...most EOW arrangements aren’t by mutual agreement...

[untiednations]

...they’re the bare minimum that absent fathers can get away with?

Dickhead at work claiming it’s “very common” that women only let men have their children once a fortnight and that it’s not true that men (in general) try to shirk their responsibilities.

For 10y we had my DSD every weekend (fri to Sun) which includes all pick up and drop offs (80mile round trip).

In Jan she wanted to move in with us but "Mum" wouldn't allow it. She asked for EOW so she can have "fun time" too rather than just the boring school bits.

We now do EOW with DSD spending most of her Mums weekend in her bedroom playing computer games.

Mum has said she can choose where she lives once her GCSEs are complete (currently in y9)

Only advantage of this arrangement is we spend less money on fuel - not many other wins for either us or DSD.

Tbf I not in the situation but have read on here some dad's request 50/50, avoid CMS then not have them as agreed but maybe that's an unusual situation. I do know a couple of people who are grown up now but were forced to do 50/50 and hated it so much especially by the age of 8 they really resent their fathers for enforcing it as they missed out on clubs etc. EOW. Hopefully most cope with it better.

@untiednations

I also find ‘not possible because of work’ a very flimsy reason. Women break their backs fitting in work around various childcare arrangements let alone trying to do a hobby. Non resident fathers “sorry I’ve got work and then football.”

I agree. DH and I had a major argument about a friend of his/ours who only has his son EOW. I said I thought it was really poor that he only had him 2 nights in 28, never ever picks him up from school ( he only lives a few miles away).

DH said, “Well, he has to be at work, what can he do?” Err, speak to his employer about working a shorter day? Take leave/flexi-time owed? Take a school hours job LIKE HIS EX HAD TO WHEN HE LEFT?

God, I’m still annoyed, it’s been about two years!

@sunlight81

For 10y we had my DSD every weekend (fri to Sun) which includes all pick up and drop offs (80mile round trip).

In Jan she wanted to move in with us but "Mum" wouldn't allow it. She asked for EOW so she can have "fun time" too rather than just the boring school bits.

We now do EOW with DSD spending most of her Mums weekend in her bedroom playing computer games.

Mum has said she can choose where she lives once her GCSEs are complete (currently in y9)

Only advantage of this arrangement is we spend less money on fuel - not many other wins for either us or DSD.

You can apply for every weekend you know.

My kids only go EOW now out of pity. They're ignored and bored there but would feel bad if they didn't go. Sometimes they don't, and exh sulks (master manipulator/ sulker/ guilt tripper). Won't be long before they stop altogether I reckon. They don't think much of him. 11 & 13 yo dc's

@Dustysilkflowers probably fairly unlikely to get it though!

GlummyMcGlummerson

Parents have a right to move within the same country without their Ex stopping them. I did - although only 2 hours away. I had nothing in my last town I was there for my ex. Why on earth should I stay where I'm not happy and under constant scrutiny of my ex and his family?

I didn't say they didn't. However, I do think that the parent who chooses to move away (in DH's case, his ex moved 6 hours away) should bear at least some of the responsibility of the travel to allow the other parent to see their children. DH's ex does not see it this way - she moved away and assumes it's DH's responsibility to do all of the travelling to see his children even though he's not the one who moved.

I'm also a bit disheartened to see people blaming their OH's ex on here - how about saying thanks to her for doing the vast majority of raising his child?

Why should I be grateful to OH's ex for raising her own children? DH's ex left him, took his children away to Scotland and refuses to assist in contact visits. She does do the vast majority of the childcare, but only because DH has been prevented from doing so. And she doesn't do such a great job of it for that matter.

It can work both ways. My husband would’ve loved to see his son more frequently but his ex wife was busy trying to make her new husband (the man she had an affair with) a replacement and wouldn’t give him any more days, even though their 9 ye old son wanted it too.

But then I guess if they were decent humans they'd still be with the other parent in an on going relationshi
Well. Isn’t this a cunty little line. Is it just dads who are bad for being separated or are all the single mums the scum of the earth, too?

My DP would love to have his DS more than EOW. His ex refuses because “this is what most other people do”, even though DSS also regularly asks to stay with us. DP does every single school run too. Ex is only happy with this because she can’t be bothered to do it, but will not allow any more over nights. So sadly it’s not always the case that men want to get rid of their responsibilities etc.

DO has taken his ex to court at least twice to force contact and ask for school holidays etc.

He has contact over night every weekend (just one night / day) so both parents have a free day and
Night and one with the kids.

Problem is now the ex is wanting to constantly change the times and drop off places etc to suit her work. Which wouldn’t be an issue if my DP didn’t also work on a weekend.

When trying to address this with cafcas was told to suck it up bc his ex had to work - but with no consideration to his job.

Tbh I am starting to think EOW would be a good solution in our case bc it would allow real quality time rather than a rushed day and night where the drop of time gets earlier and earlier every week (at ex request)

I don’t know about other reasons for EOW access but having observed my partners situation first hand for several years now I do actually think it would be better. It’s nothing to do when shirking responsibilities - it’s about the quality of time and also the suitability for everyone - not just ex, not just the NRP or the kids but the most suitable set up across the board

Suitable and appropriate doesn’t always mean equal split

My DD sees her dad for 3 hours a week (no overnights).

I have my 3 step DC FT as their useless sack of shit mother hasn’t bothered with them in over a year.

Believe me, I would love to get a break from the DC. YANBU.

When my ex left and once the dust had settled and he finally got a place that was suitable (because no, ex, a single room with a shared kitchen and bathroom with a transient population in a really shitty area is not suitable) then we got into a routine of eow plus him having the kids for a couple of hours sat or sun on the weekends he didn't have them to stay. Plus splitting up the holidays (he's a teacher so able to be free during the holidays, results days and revision camps allowing).

Then lockdown happened and he refused to see them at all. Then he split up with his girlfriend who is always suspected was doing the lions share of the work when the kids were with them. Now he does eow only. I've mentioned reinstating holidays and seeing them for a couple of hours as before and he's paid lip service to it but it's never materialised. I've given up asking. So have my kids. I hope at some point they stop blaming me for it-they're still quite little so it's a very fine line between wanting to defend myself and also not wanting to break their hearts and screw them by telling them it's their dads fault they don't see him.

It sucks tbh. And certainly isn't of my choosing. Neither was the physical and mental exhaustion of dealing with two very frightened confused and angry children who didn't even get a FaceTime from their dad for three months from March onwards

Yanbu. I've been shocked as I've got older to see how many men, and it is indeed by far men, who are basically deadbeat parents.

Unfortunately too many new girlfriends fall for the poor me routine and dont find out the truth until a few years down the line.

My ex claimed he wanted 50/50 got every other weekend and yet still hasnt bothered at all in 18 months. Covid has suited him nicely. People still fall for it. The kids are wise to him now though. Its not alienation....its the truth

@ExclamationPerfume

There are a lot of women who use their kids as pawns. I know of there men who have been to hell and back to try and get access to their children. The women have all lied and been believed by Cafcass. My brother is one of these men. He is a shell of his former self. Please don't tar all men the same.

Unless your brother has several children by different women who all conspire to keep his children from him, your brother's experience is not of lots of women.

So EOW is lazy and disengaged, every weekend is selfish because mum deserves fun time with them too, mum can move wherever she wants so midweek and school can be impossible and 50/50 is terrible for the children and automatically because dad doesn’t want to pay maintenance. What exactly do people suggest that doesn’t make all dads apparently useless or controlling?

@mumonedge

I think if a dad genuinely wants to see his kids he will make changes and do so. My ex has kids Friday after school until Monday school drop off one week and then Thurs/Fri and I get them back Saturday mornings the other week. Holidays split 50/50 and holiday clubs and it works really well for us. I get every Friday to myself and pretty flexible with swapping if needed. He was the worst husband but amazing dad

Totally agree @mumonedge . My Ex has never gone above and beyond, has had DS EOW and no more since he was 4 - now nearly 17. Never asked for more and as time went on cancelled more and more.

Contact has now changed to suit DS, he has control. His Dad asks once a month ( the same weekend he has DS's younger siblings to his ex wife) and if DS is busy socialising/studying then he doesn't go. Sounds wonderful but that's it, he just doesn't go. There's no suggestion to see each other at a different time etc. I feel that ex has never really made the effort and so now neither does DS. Very sad really

@PickAChew my post should have read three but autocorrected to there. My brother has paid thousands in court costs and his lying ex wins every time. The two other men are in the same position. It's not always lazy men not wanting their kids it's also nasty mothers in some cases.

Ha! My ex originally wanted “full custody” of the children because I am apparently a massive slag who can’t look after them. His words. After it was mentioned to him that wasn’t going to happen due to his abusive behaviour and other factors he chose every other weekend. Later on he asked to switch to monthly visits. Now.... who knows when he’ll bother.

But you can bet your life that his disinterest in our children is somehow my fault.

EOW, in my opinion, is nowhere near enough and I’d definitely be questioning any non resident parent who thinks it is. 50-50 doesn’t have to be week on week off. We split the week with my DSDs DM and stepdad and that suits everyone. Fair share of school runs, tea, hair washing etc as well as the fun stuff. All adults get one weekend night to themselves and one long lie per week. If, as she gets older, DSD no longer likes this arrangement then of course we will compromise but we live close together enough to facilitate clubs and seeing friends etc so are hopeful this will continue.

@AnneLovesGilbert

So EOW is lazy and disengaged, every weekend is selfish because mum deserves fun time with them too, mum can move wherever she wants so midweek and school can be impossible and 50/50 is terrible for the children and automatically because dad doesn’t want to pay maintenance. What exactly do people suggest that doesn’t make all dads apparently useless or controlling?

Exactly this!!

Tbh I find it a bit odd that my brother has them all weekend every weekend; my brothers ex has never spent a weekend with their kids. And that's by choice, they've never gone through the court for access or anything.

If it works for them then it's fine. It's also easier if either the child or the parent has a weekend hobby.

My ex really wanted 50/50 and we agreed on a 3 week rota I have 11 and he has 10 nights. This works for us and is essential for both of our work schedules.

The dds love it, don't understand how their friends can only see their dads eow an feel sorry for them. Their dad is wonderful and they have a really close bond

Do I miss them? Yes - but they deserve that relationship with their father.

In my circle of friends (mostly male) the separated fathers either have 50/50 or are desperate for it. They love their kids

@sashh

Tbh I find it a bit odd that my brother has them all weekend every weekend; my brothers ex has never spent a weekend with their kids. And that's by choice, they've never gone through the court for access or anything.

If it works for them then it's fine. It's also easier if either the child or the parent has a weekend hobby.

Would you say that if the bloke never had the weekends? Or that was what he wanted? Because usually on MN a bloke who only does weekends gets called a Disney dad and he obviously doesn't want to do any real parenting like school runs and how selfish to disallow the other parent quality time. And if he didn't do weekends he'd be accused of not wanting to spend proper time with his child etc etc.