...most EOW arrangements aren’t by mutual agreement...

[untiednations]

...they’re the bare minimum that absent fathers can get away with?

Dickhead at work claiming it’s “very common” that women only let men have their children once a fortnight and that it’s not true that men (in general) try to shirk their responsibilities.

I think if a dad genuinely wants to see his kids he will make changes and do so. My ex has kids Friday after school until Monday school drop off one week and then Thurs/Fri and I get them back Saturday mornings the other week. Holidays split 50/50 and holiday clubs and it works really well for us. I get every Friday to myself and pretty flexible with swapping if needed. He was the worst husband but amazing dad

My DH has his son EOW plus Wednesday he comes over for tea. He works away a lot or when hes home he works 7-4 and I cant do school runs to two different schools 10 miles apart, so it's the only real option at the moment. We do have him a lot in the holidays too, and before he started school we had him sometimes in the week. With DSD its a different situation- she lives around 5-6hrs drive away and its a battle to get her to come here as we try and limit her technology use and won't let her bring her x box (I think her mum has something to do with it too tbf). He has a court order for EOW and half the holidays but in reality she just won't come that often, which breaks his heart. I'm sure her mum paints him as an absolute deadbeat but hes not trying to "get away" with anything - shes his first born and he treats her like God's come down to earth when we persuade her to visit.

I know several men who are apparently not allowed by their ex to see their kids and loads who are limited by their ex time wise

I know one who went to court and got more time. I also know one who has almost bankrupted himself getting court orders and his ex ignored it. He's now after six years of never giving up finally getting to know his children.

Some men do more. My ex hasn't bothered in 8 years with his child. My brother however has 2 children with different mums. He sees them both several times a week does school pick ups for eldest if her mums working etc.

@CakeRequired

Honestly I don't know why people don't question men like that. If I had someone at work spouting off that he can't see his kids more because of his ex, I'd be asking him why he hasn't gone to court over it and probably watch him splutter some nonsense about it. But least it would show everyone he's talking bollocks.

Me too.

I've said this before on MN, but my friend was financially abused by her alcoholic husband, who pushed his toxic masculinity complexes onto their 2 DS's. She left, and they first arranged for him to have the boys weekly. He turned up pissed at the school (rural school he drove drunk) and threatened violence to the school secretary who refused to send his kids out. The police were called, he was arrested and subsequently lost his license for (I think) a year. It was my friend's fault of course. And did she pay for it with a potted window and slashed tyres. She got a non molestation order as he was harassing her, and because of what he did the judge said he can only see the boys through a contact centre. He didn't turn up. She now has sole custody.

Now, do you think when he's in the pub with his mates, he says "Yeah I don't see my kids because I'm an abusive alcoholic waste of space who threatens violence to women and was considered such a prick by the judge that I JD to see my sons supervised. Which I didn't turn up to."
Or do you think he says "She's a bit h who's turned them against me and won't let me see them."

I also find ‘not possible because of work’ a very flimsy reason. Women break their backs fitting in work around various childcare arrangements let alone trying to do a hobby. Non resident fathers “sorry I’ve got work and then football.”

@Leaannb

Too many women try and control the fathers too much and withhold over spiteful and petty reasons. Just this past week we had a post where mom was offended because girlfriend had pics on Social Media and so much advice was to withhold contact. Sometimes its the dad but there are plenty of times where it's mom

What total BS.

Children in this country are owed £4 billion in maintenance back payments, the vast majority are men.

But yeah it's mothers who are evil

Seriously don't buy the misogynistic illogical BULLSHIT men throw you to deflect from the fact that they're useless pricks

I think it's down to individual circumstances and some dad's are awful but so are some mums. We practically have to force my DSS's mum to see him and she does everything she can to get out of it. Ultimately she wants to live a childless life...all after dragging us through court after telling DH that she never saw her son.

@untiednations

I think this behaviour isn’t often questioned because they (men) have pulled such a blinder convincing society it’s ‘normal’ and that it’s down to ‘psycho women’ preventing men from seeing their kids.

My friend has started seeing someone who only sees his daughter (lives in the same town) once a week for 4 hours because “he doesn’t have time”. My sister can’t see that this makes him a dickhead.

I don't think you can say it's just men that have normalised it. It's pretty much always been normal for men to be less involved in child rearing than women. That's not a new thing!

@WhenTheDogBites

My DH would dearly love to have his DCs more than EOW. His ex moved to the other side of the country, and refuses to travel with the DCs for any handover, so he does all of the travel for all of his visits. It costs him a fortune in accommodation and travel, and he's permanently knackered from all of the travelling.

Not all NRPs are trying to shirk their responsibilities. My DH had his children ripped away from him and had no say in the matter. She makes it as difficult as possible.

Parents have a right to move within the same country without their Ex stopping them. I did - although only 2 hours away. I had nothing in my last town I was there for my ex. Why on earth should I stay where I'm not happy and under constant scrutiny of my ex and his family?

I don't actually know any dads who only have their kids EOW. My brother has his kids every Friday after school til Sunday night, plus every Tuesday after school until Wednesday morning, and then two of my boyfriends friends have their kids every Friday - Sunday night.

Tbh I find it a bit odd that my brother has them all weekend every weekend; my brothers ex has never spent a weekend with their kids. And that's by choice, they've never gone through the court for access or anything.

@untiednations

I also find ‘not possible because of work’ a very flimsy reason. Women break their backs fitting in work around various childcare arrangements let alone trying to do a hobby. Non resident fathers “sorry I’ve got work and then football.”

Yes exactly.

I'm also a bit disheartened to see people blaming their OH's ex on here - how about saying thanks to her for doing the vast majority of raising his child?

It really is an ugly side of internalised misogyny

I'm also a bit disheartened to see people blaming their OH's ex on here - how about saying thanks to her for doing the vast majority of raising his child?

But if it's the truth that they haven't allowed more access wtf should they be thankful for? Thanks for raising my kids when you wouldn't let me do my fair share?

@Hobnobsandbroomstick I would hate never to see my kids on weekends, there's never be a chance to do anything with them!

I hate the narrative that mothers are trying to keep children away from their loving fathers🙄🙄🙄.

Why is it always the resident parent that gets all the blame for everything that goes wrong?
Father doesn't see his kids - Mum's fault
Father bails out on kids - Mum's fault
Father has no relationship with kids because of his own actions - Mum's fault
Kids wise up to Dad's neglect and choose not to see him- Mum's fault
Dad doesn't pay maintenance- Mum's fault

It's beyond ridiculous, not to mention how single mums in particular are vilified in the press and men are allowed to rewrite history and absolve themselves of the consequences of their actions by blaming Mum

There are a lot of women who use their kids as pawns. I know of there men who have been to hell and back to try and get access to their children. The women have all lied and been believed by Cafcass. My brother is one of these men. He is a shell of his former self. Please don't tar all men the same.

@Dastardlythefriendlymutt

I hate the narrative that mothers are trying to keep children away from their loving fathers🙄🙄🙄.

Why is it always the resident parent that gets all the blame for everything that goes wrong?
Father doesn't see his kids - Mum's fault
Father bails out on kids - Mum's fault
Father has no relationship with kids because of his own actions - Mum's fault
Kids wise up to Dad's neglect and choose not to see him- Mum's fault
Dad doesn't pay maintenance- Mum's fault

It's beyond ridiculous, not to mention how single mums in particular are vilified in the press and men are allowed to rewrite history and absolve themselves of the consequences of their actions by blaming Mum

It's absolutely not all mum's fault but certainly sometimes it is.

There are always exceptions. My ex-husbands first wife disappeared with their child, he spent all his money persuing it through the courts for her to fail to turn up at every court date for 6 years...then showed up on our doorstep one day and dumped a child of 8 with two people he had no memory of for an entire weekend. She said she was going to be a couple of hours.
She then disappeared again 3 months later just when my children had started to bond with their brother. Another 4 years of hell. And rinse and repeat.
My ex is a good dad, he has our children as much as he is able around his shifts. It breaks both our hearts his oldest child is so messed up and doesn’t have any decent relationship with his dad.

My ex has our kids EOW. His choice. But then I always said I wanted weekends too. I want to take them out and visit my family etc. He has the option to take them through the week - we live a 5 min walk apart. But he doesn’t.
I think the last 8/9 years of him being a bit of a shit dad (dismissive, not really involved in family life etc etc) is coming back to bite him on the arse as the children genuinely don’t miss him. They are happy to go stay for the weekend, happy when they are there. But they don’t often see him out with his weekends. Thing is, they are 8 and 9. Old enough to voice their opinions and I would try my best to facilitate any more time with their dad.

And I think because my children are getting older, I’m happy to have them 90% of the time as I know they will be off with friends and not interested in either of us before long!

It must be horrible for a child to have to do 50/50. They must feel so unsettled. You see threads on here where adults don't like having to go away for a work conference or happy to be home from a holiday. Kids however 1 week at 1 place 1 week at another. There would be very few that wouldn't have issues with that arrangement. Some probably only do it to avoid CSA payments.

@Wishitsnows

It must be horrible for a child to have to do 50/50. They must feel so unsettled. You see threads on here where adults don't like having to go away for a work conference or happy to be home from a holiday. Kids however 1 week at 1 place 1 week at another. There would be very few that wouldn't have issues with that arrangement. Some probably only do it to avoid CSA payments.

Massive generalisation.

And ah yes because if you live with a child 50% of the time they cost you nothing.

I always find it odd when people say 50/50 is to avoid maintenance; surely it cost much more to have a child half the time since cm is the “minimum” people always say on here. 50/50 would be my ideal, as it stands my ex doesn’t even want over nights

I’ve just been ruminating on this topic tonight. We’ve just dropped off DP’s daughter. For the past (almost) year since I met her and DP moved in, we’ve fell into a pattern of getting her EWO from Friday after school till after dinner on a Sunday night. I don’t think it’s enough as it only works out at 5/5.5 days per month (in a four week month). Our problem is we live in a very small one bed flat and the child has to sleep on the couch when she stays. Can’t take her during the week either as she lives 25 minutes up the motorway and she would have to get up at 5.30am for her dad to drop her off on his way to work. She is absolutely not up for this as I asked her tonight, she likes her sleep 😂

We’re saving up desperately to buy a house with a room for her but I can’t help but feel rubbish that we hardly get her at the moment, especially when I see threads from people complaining about EOW arrangements. It makes me feel like we should be doing more even though we are saving like maniacs to buy in the New Year.

Not always the case - loads of woman say it’s not fair as they want a weekend with their kids too when they aren’t at work and school so wouldn’t Want the kids gone all the weekends

Then weekdays - well the children have school so should they be half the week with dad and half the week with mum? Or is that bad for the children’s routine ?

What do you think the best schedule should be for sharing the custody?

Yabu to say most men think that way. I think some people clearly know the wrong kind of men