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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That him having a day off should trump me earning more money

53 replies

Lineornoline · 31/10/2020 23:40

Our dd has just turned 3 which means she will get her 30 hours in January. I work 30 hours currently and was therefore hoping that I could work full time, as we can afford to put her in an extra day at nursery. Do works full time but over 3 days per week. He earns twice as much as me.
Just brought up my nursery plan with dp. He turns to me and says ‘well I am putting her in nursery on Monday cos I want a day off (not looking after her). So not even to work. I am fuming that we are nearly at a position where I can earn more and his priority is a day to himself. We currently live in ‘his’ house and my priority is us moving. I need to earn more so I can pay off some debts and be in a better position do so.
who is BU?

OP posts:

RainbowMum11 · 31/10/2020 23:41

Why can't you work full time?

Original poster

Lineornoline · 31/10/2020 23:45

Do you mean at the moment? We can’t afford to put her in nursery an extra day a week

OP posts:

GlummyMcGlummerson · 31/10/2020 23:46

I'm probably being thick, or read the OP wrong, but how does putting her in nursery on Monday's impact you not being able to work full time?

Rainbowqueeen · 31/10/2020 23:46

If you are not married then the priority for you should be you getting yourself into a less vulnerable position.
How are bills split? I think there are possibly larger issues at play here but YANBU

Singlebutmarried · 31/10/2020 23:47

If he wants her in nursery an extra day then he pays.

RainbowMum11 · 31/10/2020 23:48

No, when your DD gets her 30 hours, why can't you work full time then?

LannieDuck · 31/10/2020 23:49

I think your conversation should go "I'll be working FT from January, so we need to discuss how what our childcare arrangements will look like".

bluebluezoo · 31/10/2020 23:50

So your plan is to put dc in nursery 3 days a week, you work full time, dp works 3 days a week?

So your plan is for him to work 3 days, look after dc 3 days?

I’m a bit lost as 30 hours + an extra day is 4 days?

If your dh is getting no downtime in the week- 3x12 hr days + 2 looking after dc, then I think he’s being reasonable asking for that day “off”.

Why are you fuming? Do you see the nursery bill as “yours”? His child too, he pays half, or he can pay for the extra day he wants to himself.

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2020 23:51

I'm assuming that the OP's dd currently looks after their dd on a Monday when he is not at work, and they pay for 3 days childcare. OP wants to keep Mondays as they are and pay for 4 days so that she can work an extra day. Her DP wants the fourth childcare day to be Monday so that he will be released from childcare duties, but this won't help the OP because she already works on Mondays anyway.

I think your financial independence is the priority, OP. You should both get the chance to work ft if you wish.

Sarahandduck18 · 31/10/2020 23:52

Bit confusing.

So he works 3 set? days and you work 4?

What does he do on his 4 days off a week?

If you need £££ to move you should both work 35 hours+ each.

Letseatgrandma · 31/10/2020 23:52

I’m confused by the situation.

What days is she currently in nursery.
What days do you want her in nursery and what days does he want her in?
What days do you both work?

He sounds like he’s being unreasonable on the face of it for wanting to use the extra day to be home alone whereas it could be used as childcare whilst you work more.

Love51 · 31/10/2020 23:53

It is a bit confusing. He works full time over 3 days. You work 30 hours and want to pay for an extra day in nursery and work full time. Will that be Monday- Friday or do you work weekends?
If he never has a day not doing sole care or working a 12 hour shift, I can see how he'd want a day off. It seems like this is one of those things where you need to talk to each other.

EugeniaGrace · 31/10/2020 23:53

I’m confused too.

Couldn’t your dp work three days, have one day off and then still look after her one day a week?

Then you work five days and she goes to nursery 4 days.

This sounds all very doable and balanced.

The 30 free hours makes a big difference to nursery costs.

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2020 23:54

If your dh is getting no downtime in the week- 3x12 hr days + 2 looking after dc, then I think he’s being reasonable asking for that day “off”.

I wonder if the OP gets downtime in the week?

Original poster

Lineornoline · 31/10/2020 23:56

Sorry yes I have said it wrong! It would be 3 days nursery, the argument is which day it is on. His ‘day off’ day or my extra working day.
@bluebluezoo I wouldn’t get a day off? We would both be working the same hours. Like I said my priority is us earning more/moving and I don’t feel like we can afford the luxury of rest days! Or maybe he can. He said he would pay for the extra day but that feels very separate and I want us to work together in this.

OP posts:

GlummyMcGlummerson · 01/11/2020 00:01

Sorry but I'm still confused.

You'd have 30 hours free childcare, which would cover 3 days a week and then some, and he would be willing to pay for a Monday on top of that? That wouldn't cost much (and a lot less than you were paying now). You'd get to work full time. He gets time off, plus a day looking after her.

What's the problem?

RainbowMum11 · 01/11/2020 00:01

But it doesn't sound like you are working together - if he wants the extra day off, and you want to work more, then let him pay for the extra day.

switswooo · 01/11/2020 00:01

He’s a knob. Could it be deliberate sabotage?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 01/11/2020 00:01

I think we need more info: do you have separate finances? Are the debts you want to pay down shared, or joint?

It's not entirely clear, but it sounds like you are expecting him to now work more days a week, in order to earn more money. He is already earning twice as much as you (so I'm guessing you aren't having to subsidise him) and you resent him having a day off when you don't. Does he benefit from the extra money, or will it all go towards you being in a more stable position financially / with the house?

Bluntly, you guys aren't married - he isn't going to benefit from expending effort to bring you up to his financial level. It's risky for him to do so.

bluebluezoo · 01/11/2020 00:06

I wonder if the OP gets downtime in the week?

She will get evenings? If her dp is working 3 long shifts thats work and sleep only for 3 days. So if he’s looking after the child the remaining 2 days he gets 2 evenings a week. Having worked this kind of shift pattern I also put my child in nursery for my “day off”- full days like that you need a few hours to catch up on yourself as you don’t get time in the day.

@Lineornoline i’m still lost. She’s in nursery 3 days, so your dp would have her 2 days, and you’d work m-f?

LemonTT · 01/11/2020 00:37

I think you are tying yourself up in knots here. Your DP is agreeing to you working FT. He is just saying your child will be in the nursery for extra hours which he will pay for. You have said that “we” can’t afford it.

Now to me the issue here isn’t you not working and him stopping you. It is that he has made a decision to spend “his” money to facilitate an extra lay day. That’s his priority. You want him use that money to fund a new home. Which is your priority.

From his perspective he owns a home already. To him that means he doesn’t need to save for a new one. That’s what you need to do to build capital. He doesn’t see you both as being joined financially.

You have different priorities and are not on the same page as a couple. I have some sympathy for the idea that I wouldn’t sacrifice rest to save to buy something I already have.

Sometimeswinning · 01/11/2020 01:11

I get it! My dh and I share expenses and an account. If you are saving for the future it's a stupid idea to pay for nursery whilst on a day off. He needs this breaking down and explaining I guess (as do many on this thread!)

SleepingStandingUp · 01/11/2020 01:19

Whose are the debts?

I assume you already work a Monday and he has her so for you to up your hours she'd need to go in her existing 3 days plus Daddy Monday and then the day you're working but you'd get 30 of those free? How many are you currently paying for?

I mean I think it's a bit crap he's not at work and he'd rather pay for childcare than be with his own child BUT the caveat to that is what kind of work he does so if he physically exhausted from 3 long days , is he generally interested and a good actively involved Dad? And financially will you still be better off as a couple with you full time?

If it's shared finances I'd absolutely pit her in on your extra work day

carbhunter · 01/11/2020 01:30

Could you compromise and put her in for an extra half day?
That way he could get a lie in and it wouldn't cost as much as a full extra day?

SoloMummy · 01/11/2020 08:26

@Lineornoline

Sorry yes I have said it wrong! It would be 3 days nursery, the argument is which day it is on. His ‘day off’ day or my extra working day. *@bluebluezoo* I wouldn’t get a day off? We would both be working the same hours. Like I said my priority is us earning more/moving and I don’t feel like we can afford the luxury of rest days! Or maybe he can. He said he would pay for the extra day but that feels very separate and I want us to work together in this.

I presume that you're aware that your 30 hours free may well only cover 6 hours a day and for 39 weeks?

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