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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That him having a day off should trump me earning more money

53 replies

Lineornoline · 31/10/2020 23:40

Our dd has just turned 3 which means she will get her 30 hours in January. I work 30 hours currently and was therefore hoping that I could work full time, as we can afford to put her in an extra day at nursery. Do works full time but over 3 days per week. He earns twice as much as me.
Just brought up my nursery plan with dp. He turns to me and says ‘well I am putting her in nursery on Monday cos I want a day off (not looking after her). So not even to work. I am fuming that we are nearly at a position where I can earn more and his priority is a day to himself. We currently live in ‘his’ house and my priority is us moving. I need to earn more so I can pay off some debts and be in a better position do so.
who is BU?

OP posts:
cologne4711 · 01/11/2020 08:29

@switswooo

He’s a knob. Could it be deliberate sabotage?
Why? Are parents not allowed time to themselves?

Of course not, this is MN with all the perfect mummies who give up their own lives after childbirth. Or pretend to on here, anyway.

cologne4711 · 01/11/2020 08:30

OP your priority is moving, his is work/life/childcare balance. You need to find a compromise.

Nottherealslimshady · 01/11/2020 08:36

If the extra day comes out of his own personal spenders and not family money then I'd let him. Longer days are tougher imo. But on his day off it's his job to do any housework and have dinner ready.

Pogmella · 01/11/2020 08:40

Yy was just coming onto day if he wants an unstructured day each week on top of the weekend he needs to fit things like the food shop/a load of laundry/a tidy and hoover into it.

Pogmella · 01/11/2020 08:42

Could he compromise and put DD in for a half day?

Takingontheundead · 01/11/2020 08:51

I think i understand. You want him to actually parent look after her so that you don't pay out for a day at nursery unnecessarily. Because you have financial goals as a family. Paying for extra nursery will outweigh the benefit of you working more.

Except the thing is, sounds very much like he doesn't see you as a unit, those goals aren't joint and he's doing his own thing. Doesn't sound like you're married either so right now you're living in his house with a young kid and your ability to work hangs on him playing his part. Very precarious

SeasonFinale · 01/11/2020 08:53

I thought the 30 hours had to be split over 5 days?

Oysterbabe · 01/11/2020 08:54

When you have debts you don't put a child in nursery unless you have to. Yanbu.

bluebluezoo · 01/11/2020 08:56

When you have debts you don't put a child in nursery unless you have to. Yanbu

From what she says it is o/p that has the debts.

He doesn’t, and is willing to pay for the nursery day.

notalwaysalondoner · 01/11/2020 08:57

To be fair, it may just be he has different priorities - you really want to earn more and save up and move house, maybe he’s exhausted by and fed up of work and would rather have a day off a week. I kind of relate to this as I’m really keen not to work or work very part time when we have dc, whereas I suspect DH will want us to carry on being high earners. I think you need to talk about family goals and how much extra that extra day at nursery will cost you for the time before she starts school and if it’s worth it for you both? If he still really wants to go ahead then he pays - if you want to go back full time just do it, long term it makes way more financial sense anyway.

burglarbettybaby · 01/11/2020 09:01

If you are trying to save to move into your own home together then he is in the wrong here.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 01/11/2020 09:12

@SeasonFinale

I thought the 30 hours had to be split over 5 days?
Nope can split however you want
Micah · 01/11/2020 09:14

If you are trying to save to move into your own home together then he is in the wrong here

He is living in his own house. Op says her priority is them moving.

O/p Does he know you are saving to move? Does he want to move? Is the reason you are moving purely so you have a financial share in the new property?

Doesn’t sound to me like you are on the same page with housing and finances here.

Orcus · 01/11/2020 09:17

How do you organise your finances? If it's a shared pot then you have a point, but if you're separate and/or it comes out of his own personal spends, you can't really object on money grounds. It doesn't sound like your issue is your child spending that much time in nursery in itself.

Iggly · 01/11/2020 09:20

You both need to work out hours that suit you both.
Having a day not working while dc is at nursery when that money could be saved is short sighted.

Orcus · 01/11/2020 09:31

@Iggly

You both need to work out hours that suit you both. Having a day not working while dc is at nursery when that money could be saved is short sighted.
There's nothing to say it would be saved though, is there? If it's his own personal spending money he might well choose to buy something else with it instead. The OP doesn't sound very sure.
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 01/11/2020 09:37

I think you need to take a goid, hard, look at your relationship. You have a child together, but you're in debt, he owns the house you live in & he earns twice what you earn. Who has done the childcare since DD was born? Why is he 'keeping you less well off than himself'?

bluebluezoo · 01/11/2020 09:37

There's nothing to say it would be saved though, is there? If it's his own personal spending money he might well choose to buy something else with it instead. The OP doesn't sound very sure

If it were me (It has been) and I was doing 3 long days plus 2 days childcare every week, i’d be spending it on a cleaner at the very minimum. Probably a gardener, and ironing services too.

If o/p and her dh are both working full time, it’s a big ask to get the domestic chores done too, especially if the partners non working hours are taken up with childcare.

Pogmella · 01/11/2020 09:52

Well the fair thing would be for the child to be in nursery 5 days, OP to stagger her working week and work a weekend day so she gets a weekday (probably not possible) and then both parents work FT hrs and get a day a week all to themselves. OP does solo childcare in the evenings of her partner’s long days. The partner gets a weekday alone and a weekend day where he does solo childcare... I suspect he wouldn’t be very keen on this, however.

RandomMess · 01/11/2020 09:55

You don't sound like much of a team and it doesn't like you actually have shared finances...

Sad
bluebluezoo · 01/11/2020 09:59

I suspect he wouldn’t be very keen on this, however

Why? Why is the assumption that men never want to take on the childcare? O/p hasn’t said that and presumably he’s already looking after her at least one day as she’s only in nursery 2 days and o/p works 30 hours...

meditrina · 01/11/2020 10:01

OP: you need to get back into full time work.

You are not married, you are living in his house (over which you have no claim as a cohabitee) and you have reduced your earnings and possibly career opportunities. Your priority needs to be to restore your income

Especially as you are already in debt.

Can you find a different nursery or a CM which is less expensive?

He is being selfish, but until you have more financial independence your options are limited.

JocelynSchitt · 01/11/2020 10:08

Tell him youre going back full-time, and what is the childcare plan.

Does he not want to move? At the moment you are working part-time to raise your child. Earning less, and (probably) paying less in to a pension. In a house that you describe as his. And he doesn't prioritise getting a house together. And i dont think youre married. You seem to be the only one making sacrifices.

Orcus · 01/11/2020 10:17

Yes, I would go back full time as soon as you can OP. Feather your own nest.

Heyahun · 01/11/2020 10:39

It’s not really 30 free hours though is it - it’s only 38 weeks you get the funding for - most nurseries have rules about how it’s used too - like some only allow it to be spread over 5 days - some are more easier going

Also it doesn’t cover food and extras -

Have you checked all this?

Tbh it’s only for what another year the nursery thing - maybe just our her in full time and then once she goes to school you can start saving them

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