To think his parents are miserable bastards for not buying anything for the DC/DGC on birthdays and Christmas?

[ItsBeginningToLookAl0tLikeFuck]

My other halfs parents have never bought our DC birthday cards, presents or so much as a selection box at Christmas (they are long since divorced and live miles apart so are both guilty of this in equal measure)

They don't even give OH a birthday card and he's their son

OH has two lovely older DC from his previous marriage and they get sod all aswell.

OH said the last time he received a gift from his parents was when he was a teenager still living at home. Apparently they just don't "do" presents or cards, or phonecalls to wish anybody a happy birthday, or 99p selection boxes at Christmas

I'm not a grabby person, I think a selection box at Christmas and a card on birthdays would be more than enough and well received. It would certainly make the DC happy.

AIBU to think they are miserable bastards and not very kind?

YANBU

I'm glad most of you don't think I'm grabby or being ridiculous.

Fwiw, I didn't know my brother existed until 2017 nor him me. It still never occurred to any of us, from that point onwards after finding one another, that we wouldn't bother at Xmas or on birthdays.

Not giving so much as a token gift or a card is an alien concept to me, when it comes to family.

My lovely SIL who's only connection to my DC's is that she's married to my (long lost) brother, and she still makes the effort to send something and wish them a happy birthday/christmas.

We help FIL alot in terms of money when he's short (although he earns more than OH does so work that one out) infact he borrowed twice during the past fortnight and god knows when we'll see that back.

I don't think a token gift, some chocolate or even just a card is too much to expect really.

I wonder how he would respond if one of the DC asked him outright why they don't get anything on Xmas or birthdays..

FIL did this last Christmas. I didn't draw attention to it and made him feel welcome but I was miffed.

So he gets a present every year and turns up for Christmas? Something needs to give or you will resent him. Do you invite him or does he turn up?

How the fuck could anyone call the OP grabby?

There is so much joy in giving even small gifts, if they don’t experience this they are missing out. I honestly think it would be more beneficial for the ILs than the kids.

Maybe they are the “grabby” ones.

If someone is accepting and expecting money and gifts off of you, it's a bit miserable not to do to anything to reciprocate.

If they had said they'd prefer not do gifts and/or do something else nice in place of that instead then I wouldn't see it as an issue. Some people are very uncomfortable around gift giving and while it can seem weird, I don't think that should be the only way to celebrate these occasions.

@heartshapedfaces

you sound grabby

🤣😂😂

Only on MN would a person EVER be described as grabby because they expect their children to get a birthday card from their grandparents.

JFC.

Not all people or families are big on gifts.

My family is pretty restrained, we don't always give them and they tend to be smaller. We never did things like Mother's Day, or other minor holidays. Birthdays for adults are low key, maybe not even celebrated really.

My husband's family is quite different, gifts area big deal, you must give flowers on Mother's Day, remember every birthday etc. TBH I find it annoying to keep up with and kind of wasteful, but I realise it's mainly a family culture issue and do my best to participate.

Stop lending/giving him money, and don’t do gifts for them either.

The men in my family didn't do gifts, only the wives/women. So that is probably the home that DFIL came from. Does DH do the gift buying for you?
That fact has made me a lot more meh about gifts. And I didn't like buying presents myself as I was worried they wouldn't like it.
But going on Xmas day empty handed is miserable.

Stop buying him gifts.Stop lending him money.
He sounds a user.Kids as young as they are,know exactly what he's like.

On the upside, at least they are consistent and treat everyone equally.
The thread where OPs children are fluff while their cousins are treated as royalty by mutual grandparents are the ones I feel very sad about.

OP,
He earns more than your partner who is supporting a family and he's borrowing money???

He comes to eat with his hands hanging???

He has a mug made out of the lot of ye.

Stop gifts, stop loaning him and stop feeding him.

He's mean.
Simple as.

You sound very patient OP.

You are correct to be appalled.

Send him a Christmas card addressed to Ebenezer Scrooge.
And stop lending/giving him money.

My in-laws are exactly the same with my kids (and their son). They just don't do presents. However, they are great grandparents and definitely not tight. They have been building up savings for the kids since they were born. They just don't believe in presents. It doesn't seem to bother the kids in the slightest.

Its just the way they are. They dont give their own dc when they were younger so why did you expect them to suddenly change with your DC?
My in laws are like this so dh doesnt get them anything either. I think this is where the angst is maybe?
But my in laws will visit and devote 24/7 to my dc so I appreciate that more.
Otoh my dm will happily spend a ridiculous amount on gifts but she cant play or sit with DC for 5 min.

i am honestly not sure its all that unusual.my dad has never bought me or DC gifts. DM is responsible for that and of she doesnt am not sure that he'd think if it. still always buy him birthday/Xmas gifts. Its not that he's tight -just doesnt get it if that makes sense. Pre-Ckvid he did help with the DCs twice a week and always offered to do more so he is very happy to out the effort in. I just gor used to it. Occasionally we make fun of it but it doesnt change anything

Have you mentioned it to them?

My parents didn’t get cards or gifts for family, or phone on birthdays etc, after we left home. It was sad, but they are definitely not miserable bastards, in fact they are are quite sweet these days.

It was occasionally hurtful over the years (most years I’d pass it off as ‘that’s just how it is’ and not think much about it, or treat myself to a nice gift on my birthday, also always bought gifts for the kids ‘from’ them) but more recently I mentioned it to them in terms of how nice it is for the kids to receive presents and they were quite remorseful and immediately resolved to do something about it (not sure they’ll remember though).

Wish I’d said something years ago! The idea of gifting just didn’t enter into their consciousness.

Some families don't do cards. I'd find it really weird if my mum and I have each other a Christmas card.

I'd stop buying them presents and see what happens. Either they are selfish or they really dont see the point of presents.

Stop lending him money and buying him anything. I would find the idea of turning up for Christmas dinner empty handed inconceivable. Can you stop inviting him?
He sounds miserable.

How miserable. I get not buying loads of stuff but some chocolate or spending money would work. But if they stopped doing it with their own child they will not for their DGC.

I KNEW there would an accusation of grabby-ness 😂

Look they are mean dicks.
But why post now they clearly have been like this for decades your DH and his other kids got sweet FA why would you expect anything else?

Sorry I should of elaborated when I said he came on Christmas day last year. He didn't come for dinner or expect to be fed, he came later on in the evening for an hour just to see us all.

They've never done it. Get over your culture shock and accept them for who they are. Don't be so materialistic.

I don't think hoping for such small token things such as cards or selection boxes can be classed as being materialistic. I'm hardly expecting them to buy an xbox (like the lovely grandparent on the other page has done for her DGC)