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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how to help MIL...she's stuck

85 replies

FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 21:56

She is 73 and still works 3 days a week in a busy shop. She'd like to stop...she gets very tired and she also babysits for SIL who home eds her child. We're in Australia.

What's stopping MIL from retiring is her mortgage. She lives alone in a house which was part of her settlement when she left FIL. She and FIL are on good terms but he won't help her financially. The house was paid off when they split but she's taken money out of the capital.

She had it valued as she thinks she'll have to sell it in order to retire. She was very disapointed at the price...it was valued at 550.

She thought that as it's in a very nice area, she'd get more like 70 or even 80. I knew she wouldn't as the house has never been updated at all since it was built in the early 70s....same kitchen cabinets and same tiles etc.

Since the valuation she's been distrssed as she can't afford to stay in that area near SIL and FIL (who she is good mates with) and she's lived there all her life.

She COULD buy a very nice house near DH and I though....and have change. But she's reluctant as SIL does rely on her...she's a lone parent and they are close.

She asked FIL if he'd let her build a house on his land (very big) and he refuses point blank.

What she's now doing is paying out to improve the house...she's updated the ensuite with new tiles and toilet and now she's asking DH to build her a big pergola thing off the back of the house onto the patio.

The trouble is, these improvements won't raise the value of the house will they? People will just see the old kitchen and the dated doors etc?

She's wasting her money and she's still knackered from work. DH wants to tell her plainly that she's got her head in the sand and that she's just putting off the inevitable. There's no way she can stay in that area...when we've asked her how she'd feel m,oving near to us, she was positive about it but keeps swinging and getting cold feet. I really feel for her as she's obviously very worried....

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 31/10/2020 22:03

How far are you from SIL? Does SIL have space on her land? Could you undertake to run her to the SIL when needed? The improvements will make some impact but it might not be much, especially if she’s not replacing the main kitchen/bathroom.

TitianaTitsling · 31/10/2020 22:04

What's your aibu? You/she don't really expect her ex to financially support her? Why did she take money out on the house?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 31/10/2020 22:06

She needs to speak to some estate agents about what she can actually do to add value to the house that is less than she spends. Sometimes cosmetic changes can add value, some changes don't.
It sounds like she is exhausted, how much childcare does she do for your SiL? Could she drop this down a bit and do some research or diy?

Also does it have to be a house? Could it be a flat? Could she move in with SiL?

Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:07

Louise SIL lives with FIl. MIL can drive and does...so she could in theory drive to SILs twice a week to babysit. It's a 40 min journey though...not at all unusual here in Oz but still quite long.

Titiana no I don't expect him to....they're still married for what it;s worth but they legall sorted all finances out...she expects him too though, its clear to see.

She took money out for holidays.

OP posts:
ElleEmDee · 31/10/2020 22:08

Can she build a granny flat on her daughters property? Or can her daughter also move and they find something suitable together ? Can she move into a unit in her area? Many people like to buy older houses so they can do them up so it’s not the end of the world if her house is dated. Best to speak to a local real estate agent to see if the improvements she wants to make will add value or not.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:08

Stats I honestly think people will just knock it down and rebuild. Here in Oz there are a lot of ugly, poorly made houses from the 70s and the trend is to demolish and build a better one. It;s got no kerb appeal and isn't well arranged. SIL lives with FIL and always has.

OP posts:
nevermorelenore · 31/10/2020 22:10

What's the rental market like in her area? Could she rent it out, then rent a very small place in the area she wants to live in?

Could SIL build a granny annexe in her garden?

Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:11

Elle SIL has no property but lives with FIL. She always has....when MIL and FIL broke up, SIL stayed with FIL in that house and MIL took the other one they owned. We offered MIL a granny flat set up if she;d prefer that...but she doesn't seem keen. She basically wants to stay where she is and that's why she's putting it all off.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:12

Never SIL doesn't own a property...she lives with FIL.

I suggested renting to MIL and she shut it down. Said she'd hate the idea.

OP posts:
Alexindiamondarmour · 31/10/2020 22:14

I feel a bit sorry for your MIL here. She’s working still to pay this mortgage off (yes she took money off it for holidays), but she looks after your SIL’s kids and is just basically working all the time in her 70s.

Your MIL should just move out to where you are and enjoy the rest time it gives her from being too far from your SIL to offer practical help.

Maybe if SIL lives with FIL he can start helping with the child minding?

Lollypop701 · 31/10/2020 22:15

Mil knows the answer. Get divorced. Sort the financials out. I get it as my in laws were divorced but never separate. But he needs to step up and she needs to stop pandering to him. Or live with the consequences. Dd wil look after her dd as she lives with him but mil will need support moving forward so would be better off near you imo

Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:16

Alex me too! I feel annoyed at SIL for using her Mum for childcare when she has other options. I feel strongly that MIL would be happier here near us. I do love her and have tried to reassure her that I will always be there for her...we're quite close but it's also understandable that she wants to be near SIL as she worries about her a lot. SIL is prone to depression. FIL won't childmind...his health's too bad.

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 31/10/2020 22:17

I know it sounds harsh but she’s made her bed etc.

Borrowing money from the house for holidays is pretty foolish and it sounds like you’ve offered to have her have an annexe at yours/move closer.

I Feel SIL lives with FIL doesn’t he babysit/provide support too?

Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:18

Lolly the financials were sorted out. MIL got quite a lot at the time she left. I worry it will all end in MIL having a stroke or something because she's overworked. She had a mini stroke already. :{ She could have a really nice house in our area...and finally relax a bit.

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 31/10/2020 22:19

And as other posters have stated she needs to get divorced!

Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:19

Queen FIL's health is quite bad. He can't be trusted to babysit...his hearing is very poor and he never wears his hearing aid. He just bumbles about in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:20

Queen why does she need to get divorced?

OP posts:
ElleEmDee · 31/10/2020 22:20

How old is the grandchild? If a preschooler presumably she won’t be needed for childcare once the child goes to school. Would the 40 min commute twice a week be less tiring than her current set up which includes working 3 days a week? Your MIL needs to think long term. Living in a granny flat with you could be good for her as she ages as there is someone close by to watch over her. Sounds like she has to make some hard decisions as she can’t have everything she wants.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:22

Elle my nephew is almost 7. He won't be going to school because SIL home educates...she also didn't get him vaccinated Hmm so he couldn;t get into any kindergartens as they won't have unvaccinated children.

SIL works a couple of days per week and MIL looks after him on those days.

OP posts:
mychickensnameissmithy · 31/10/2020 22:24

Could she not downsize to a unit in the same area?

Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:24

I agree a 40 min commute would be MUCH easier than 3 days on her feet in a busy shop. There's also the chance the shop could get rid of her which if they do, she'll be scuppered! She's starting to look a bit frail if you know what I mean....like you'd feel bad asking her to get you something because she looks a bit thin and elderly. She should be bloody sitting at home and having nice lunches with her mates not working like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:25

Chicken there's a real shortage of units in the area she's in. It's all houses and a few luxury waterside flats which wouldn;t be suitable at all.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 31/10/2020 22:25

I’m with @QueenArseClangers - she’s made her bed. She’s not in a bad position, she’s got a property type she can sell. Honestly, you’ve offered her ideas (renting out, moving closer to you, granny flat...) so the ball is her court now. I’d back off, and keep her with it out for herself - though I would say about wasting money on renovation.

Corcory · 31/10/2020 22:27

IN the UK we have a type of 'mortgage' called equity release. It's for older home owners who are asset rich and cash poor. It means they give a % of the home to the mortgage company then they don't have to pay anything, the mortgage company get their money when they die/sell the property. You do have to be careful though as you can end up with little or no % of the value of the home left.

Waveysnail · 31/10/2020 22:29

Would she not down size to stay in the area?