To wonder how to help MIL...she's stuck

[FortunesFave]

She is 73 and still works 3 days a week in a busy shop. She'd like to stop...she gets very tired and she also babysits for SIL who home eds her child. We're in Australia.

What's stopping MIL from retiring is her mortgage. She lives alone in a house which was part of her settlement when she left FIL. She and FIL are on good terms but he won't help her financially. The house was paid off when they split but she's taken money out of the capital.

She had it valued as she thinks she'll have to sell it in order to retire. She was very disapointed at the price...it was valued at 550.

She thought that as it's in a very nice area, she'd get more like 70 or even 80. I knew she wouldn't as the house has never been updated at all since it was built in the early 70s....same kitchen cabinets and same tiles etc.

Since the valuation she's been distrssed as she can't afford to stay in that area near SIL and FIL (who she is good mates with) and she's lived there all her life.

She COULD buy a very nice house near DH and I though....and have change. But she's reluctant as SIL does rely on her...she's a lone parent and they are close.

She asked FIL if he'd let her build a house on his land (very big) and he refuses point blank.

What she's now doing is paying out to improve the house...she's updated the ensuite with new tiles and toilet and now she's asking DH to build her a big pergola thing off the back of the house onto the patio.

The trouble is, these improvements won't raise the value of the house will they? People will just see the old kitchen and the dated doors etc?

She's wasting her money and she's still knackered from work. DH wants to tell her plainly that she's got her head in the sand and that she's just putting off the inevitable. There's no way she can stay in that area...when we've asked her how she'd feel m,oving near to us, she was positive about it but keeps swinging and getting cold feet. I really feel for her as she's obviously very worried....

I can't feel that sorry for her, as her lack of money isn't really anything to do with the house (eg, bad luck with house price falls or split with FIL), it's because she borrowed more money for holidays. Nothing wrong with that (sounds great actually), but it's a choice.

I do sort of understand why she doesn't want to move if she likes the area.

However I'm in Australia too and tbh I don't consider 40 mins that far away. How about renting out the house, and renting something smaller in the area? Or selling and using the money to rent?

Your MIL and SIL both have options, both are making poor choices.

MIL has had her nice holidays, wants to be needed by SIL and DGS let them get on with it...

Why not get a few details and ask SIL to drop the child off if she wants free child care

Mil knows the answer. Get divorced. Sort the financials out.

OP has already stated that the financials are sorted - you don't need to be divorced to have all that done.

she spend her money and now you are trying to sort it out.

how about sil pays her for the childcare, either in money or by updating her house for her.

otherwise she accepts that she spent her money and now must sort it out.

Corcory that's what my Mum did in the UK. It was good for her. MIL won't hear of it though as she sees it as the inheritance. It's so bloody stupid. FIL will leave his estate...nobody cares if MIL has nothing to leave.

Agree - SIL should be more involved to help your MIL and also get her child in school and vaccinated! How long is she going to ''home school''?

SIL bloody should drop her DS off....you're quite right Bluebells I don't know why MIL feels she MUST do all this for SIL. SiL is quite frankly a PITA. She has the temerity to give DH and I financial advice when she's been living rent-free with one or both of her parents all her life and has one child whilst we've made our own way for almost 20 years and have two children in private school to pay for...in their teens!

She's never paid a bill in her life! And she is incredibly unreasonable to not tell MIL "You move to X town and I;ll sort my son out...you can see him as a Granny instead of a babysitter: which is what she SHOULD do if you ask me.

Tara she doesn't plan to ever send him to school. Or vaccinate. She tried him for few months and he hated it so she gave up. He quite possibly is on the spectrum but she's got her head in the sand about that too....however it's not my business...it's up to her how she educates her child. All we can do is invite him over a lot so he can play with my kids who are a lot older but love him.

Soooo...

She's choosing to do free childcare instead of upping her part time income.
She's taken out money from a paid off mortgage to fund holidays (?! Equity release)
She's doing renovations that won't increase the house market price.
She won't downsize.

.......

Look op, I don't see how you're feeling stressed about this. These are her (very bad) decisions to make. Unless you think she's mentally unsound, making piss poor financial decisions about an entirely predictable situation like getting old is entirely in her control to sort out.

I don't understand why you or she thinks your FIL should continue to bail out poor decision making (or head in sand mode, which seems to be her method), the point of getting financial split sorted was that it was sorted and how she pays her living costs isn't any of his responsibility any more.

She's a bit old but I think she should grow up.

And you should stop diverting your attention to FIL to fix her own self made problem.

Jack WHERE did I say that I thought FIL should sort her out? I didn't. Maybe read the thread properly. I added that part because I wanted to be clear about the avenues she's tried...one of them was asking FIL.

SIL needs to stop using her MIL as childcare to enable her own life choices.

Ignoring the FIL bit and comments about you resolving the issues, Jack is right.
Your MIL has made all of these decisions. You've given her options- she has declined them. Stop worrying - your MIL is clearly not that worried and she has to pay for holidays like the rest of us - but, using a mortgage is not a sound way to do it!

Did she actually get half of the stuff/ money / property value when she left FIL because if not he should square up with her.
Apart from that I would stay out of it. She's made and is making bad choices - if you push her into something she later regrets she will blame you.

It is lovely that you care, but perhaps you are a bit over invested in sorting her life out? She’s a grown up, she’s made her own decisions good and bad and at some point it sounds as if her situation means she will need to face up to making some difficult choices. In the meantime trying to push her towards what you feel is right for her is unlikely to end well. She’ll end up resenting you if she feels pressured into something and hates it. Better to let her choose for herself.

Friend I know...you're right and we have been careful not to make her feel pressured to move near us but have mentioned it a number of times to make sure she knows we would like it and that it would be a positive choice for her.

I think I'm over-invested because she keeps asking DH and I our opinion on the upgrades she wants to make on the house and asking whether we think this or that would increase the value.

She's just not going to be able to afford to buy where she is. it's a sort of rich enclave...her house is unusual because most others that were built then have been bought, demolished and rebuilt...the houses surrounding her are million-dollar (tacky) mini mansions.

I can't have any sympathy for this. She wants to Live and spend how she sees fit but won't be realistic about her actual circumstances.

I know someone like this who had a £250k mortgage-free house on divorce settlement - and then remortgaged to fund a lifestyle she couldn't sustain. She's now 62 and house has been repossessed and She's now renting a flat and on benefits and nagging her kids for financial help.

@FortunesFave

Louise SIL lives with FIl. MIL can drive and does...so she could in theory drive to SILs twice a week to babysit. It's a 40 min journey though...not at all unusual here in Oz but still quite long.

Titiana no I don't expect him to....they're still married for what it;s worth but they legall sorted all finances out...she expects him too though, its clear to see.

She took money out for holidays.

Seems to me that your MIL made some poor financial decisions and now they're coming back to bite her. Don't resent your SIL for that - she needs your MIL's support.

40 min drive, especially just twice a week, really isn't long at all. Even by UK standards, so I am amazed to hear it might be seen as a long drive in Australia. I don't know anyone who'd think twice about it, even older drivers.

I agree with most other people though, it is really nice to see how much you care about your MIL, she is lucky to have you, but you can't really do much more than you have. Be honest about her wasting money on the current house, and let her know she has options.

I get it, OP, you're "overinvested" because you care and it sounds like your SIL is never going to consider how her childcare needs might impact your MIL.

As PP's have said, all you can do is suggest she speaks with an estate agent on how best to upgrade her house, outline her other options and continue to be there for her whatever her decision.

It's hard to watch family members making poor decisions (we also have a relative whose choices concern us) but they're adults.

She seems to want a number of things which she considers non-negotiable, whereas in fact there is no solution which allows her to have all of those things. Something will have to give. She can't have all of these things:

1. Staying in an expensive area so she can easily travel to help her daughter
2. Owning rather than renting
3. Retaining the remaining capital in her home so her children have an inheritance
4. Providing free childcare
5. Retiring from her paid job

I wonder whether showing her a list like this would help her to see that she'll have to budge on something? Then she can make an active decision what to let go of. It's hard. These things are all important to her, but it just isn't possible to have all of them. I feel for her.

She's a very intelligent woman...and sensitive. It;s one of those odd occassions when someone like that really can't see the wood for the trees.

Her life would be so much better if she'd just sell it and buy something near us. Our area is beautiful...it's just not as popular because it's a bit further from the city and so on. It WILL be popular one day when everyone's priced out of the areas like MIL's.

But for now, I'm going to back right off. It's harder for DH as he's the one who has to listen to her constant questions about building this or that or knocking walls down and so on. But I'll advise him to try to stay neutral.

You may be too close to see it....

SIL is not so different to MIL!!! Where has she learnt this "entitled" type behaviour from?

It's good you can step back all you can encourage DH to do is step back and repeat the same options to MIL

1. Nothing will improve the value it will be demolished like all then neighbours

2, Move nearer us, DGS can be dropped off by SIL when she works

1. SIL could pay you for babysitting so you can afford to stop working and stay where you are.

I think DH needs to adopt a broken record technique and actually be quite blunt with his Mum.

Can your DH arrange for an estate agent to value the house as is, with improvements, and with planning permission for a mini mansion on the land?

It sounds like the nest egg from the land would mean she could stop work, still babysit and own somewhere.

I think @RandonMess has summed up her situation.
I would caution her not to make more poor decisions as they will only worsen her situation. Then leave her to It.