To wonder how to help MIL...she's stuck

[FortunesFave]

She is 73 and still works 3 days a week in a busy shop. She'd like to stop...she gets very tired and she also babysits for SIL who home eds her child. We're in Australia.

What's stopping MIL from retiring is her mortgage. She lives alone in a house which was part of her settlement when she left FIL. She and FIL are on good terms but he won't help her financially. The house was paid off when they split but she's taken money out of the capital.

She had it valued as she thinks she'll have to sell it in order to retire. She was very disapointed at the price...it was valued at 550.

She thought that as it's in a very nice area, she'd get more like 70 or even 80. I knew she wouldn't as the house has never been updated at all since it was built in the early 70s....same kitchen cabinets and same tiles etc.

Since the valuation she's been distrssed as she can't afford to stay in that area near SIL and FIL (who she is good mates with) and she's lived there all her life.

She COULD buy a very nice house near DH and I though....and have change. But she's reluctant as SIL does rely on her...she's a lone parent and they are close.

She asked FIL if he'd let her build a house on his land (very big) and he refuses point blank.

What she's now doing is paying out to improve the house...she's updated the ensuite with new tiles and toilet and now she's asking DH to build her a big pergola thing off the back of the house onto the patio.

The trouble is, these improvements won't raise the value of the house will they? People will just see the old kitchen and the dated doors etc?

She's wasting her money and she's still knackered from work. DH wants to tell her plainly that she's got her head in the sand and that she's just putting off the inevitable. There's no way she can stay in that area...when we've asked her how she'd feel m,oving near to us, she was positive about it but keeps swinging and getting cold feet. I really feel for her as she's obviously very worried....

There's another angle to the situation. If she has had a mini stroke, she may have another health crisis, and then the working, babysitting and lifestyle could all cease. It's not nice to think about but she sounds stubborn and in total denial that the situation is not good, and that she can't have everything. It's such a shame as you can see the better quality of life she could have with a few adjustments OP.

Are you sure she can’t see the wood for the trees?
I think she can. She’s not stupid, she knows the options - though she’s trying to create more by renovating.
But right now however, staying in that area is trumping everything.
She doesn’t want to work... but currently living in that area is more important to her than not wanting to work.
I’d just sit back and wait. Overtime, not working will become more important to her - or simply necessary.

Her life would be so much better if she'd just sell it and buy something near us. Our area is beautiful...it's just not as popular because it's a bit further from the city and so on. It WILL be popular one day when everyone's priced out of the areas like MIL's.

What's the area (if you don't mind saying)?

Thing is, she has made her decision. She doesn't want to move. She will now have to live with the consequences of that decision. Sometimes people's seemingly bad decisions do make them happy, even in a backwards way. Eg, she may hate babysitting but love feeling needed, like some people hate their stressful jobs, but they love feeling important and smart. Some people just like complaining.

Take a step back and try not to worry about it. If asked about the renovations say you don't know.

She is 73 and still works 3 days a week in a busy shop. She'd like to stop...she gets very tired and she also babysits for SIL who home eds her child
She needs to sit down and seriously prioritise her retirement/security first instead of prioritizing SIL's 'needs'.

FIL has basically given her a slap in the face with his response - "yea...i expect you to care me and SIL and DGC but i'm not helping you in any way to make it easier"

SIL should consider paying your mum for childcare, so if she retires from her employed job she's still got some income coming in from her 'self employed' childcare job to help fund her retirement.

Your mum's response is kind of a slap in the face for you too OP.....she 'd rather risk her financial security and health just to be close to her favourite people than be with you.
You're not a consideration in her retirement plans - yet she's happy to pass the stress of her 'dilemma' to you to carry.

I feel for you, but I honestly don't think there's anything you can do until she's prepared to accept what her options are - real options not the ones she imagines. If your DH could persuade her to see an estate agent (or two or three if she's not inclined to believe the bad news the first one delivers) to discuss what might realistically increase the value of the house that might help her come to earth with a thud.

I appreciate you're worried, but ultimately she has options but she's choosing to work her arse of becasue she won't settle for anything. All you can do is try and persuade her to see sense.

With respect, this is not your problem to solve.

The most useful (and probably the only) thing you can do is give an honest opinion on the questions she actually asks you, i. e. that whoever buys her house will probably knock it down and start again.

My DM is a bit like this about her house... pours money into useless "improvements" which she believes will increase its value. The "improvements" are very much to her taste, but to nobody else's. In any case, the size and situation of the house mean that whenever it is sold it will basically be seen as building land. I've got nothing against her doing what she wants to her own house, but I have also pointed out that this spending shouldn't really be seen as an "investment." (She pays no attention, but that's another story!)

Well sil will have to use fil for child care then, does he still work? I assume he’s in his seventies as well or fil will have to pay

Mil can then move nearer you to and stop work

That suggestion may just get fil helping mil

@Chloemol

Well sil will have to use fil for child care then, does he still work? I assume he’s in his seventies as well or fil will have to pay

Mil can then move nearer you to and stop work

That suggestion may just get fil helping mil

I’m not sure why it should be the fil’s responsibility to help. They split up years ago at which point there was a financial settlement where mil got a decent payout including a mortgage-free home. She chose to borrow against that asset to fund holidays which is why she is now stuck working to pay off a mortgage she didn’t need to have. She chooses to spend her spare time looking after sil’s child. She has been offered lots of options to make her life easier but doesn’t want to take them. Fil is housing sil and child but that doesn’t mean he is required to pay for childcare too (if sil is working why can’t she pay for childcare for her child?) and neither is he responsible for helping mil fix her poor choices.

It’s not your problem to sort out though, leave them all to it.

TBF has SIL ever thought what she will do if MIL dies in the next few years, I hope she doesn't come to you expecting childcare...

Although I suspect she will inherit from MIL and just stop working...

That’s what my aunty did @RandomMess, gran raised her gc, did all her housework etc then when gran got old conned her into signing her house over, physically abused her and converted the garage into a granny flat. She was a horrible divisive woman though so she reaped what she sowed.

I’ve seen a carbon copy situation over the years too. It will all end in tears.

I also think you should step back.

You sound very kind but she isn't interested in hearing what you have to say.

She could get an estate agent in to tell her the facts re investing money in a house that will most likely be sold as a site.

Stop engaging and giving advice a wait it out.

She has options, she just wants different ones.

RandomMess has covered it

My mum behaves similarly to your MIL and I'd find myself carrying this mental load and getting dragged into doing ridiculous things for other selfish family members to stop my mum overworking herself.

I've detached now and follow the same script

• I highlight why it's insane/shouldn't continue.
• point out the options available
• tell her its her choice
• disengage and don't get involved.

The thing is, it doesn’t really sound like she is in such a bad situation - she could downsize and live near family (i.e. you) and be able to give up work. She just doesn’t want to. I suspect she is hoping either FIL or yourselves will pay off her mortgage for her so she can give up work and stay living in the area she wants.

Why can’t SIL move in with MIL pay some rent and bills and help her mother out that way?

Their waiting for the magic wand to be waived.

Yeah,I wish I had that Magic wand too. I also want to live above my means, work part time and live in an area above my income level.. unfortunately this is the real world and unlike your mil I don't have that option. She's richer than me.

Bluebells SIl would never live with MIL. Their relationship has always been spiky...they love one another but both are strong characters and SIL gets very affected by MIL....but needs her too....FIL is easy going and much more self contained so she finds him easier to live with.

I've decided to completely detatch now....I can't be doing with it any more. If she does ask this week, I'm going to say "You know whoever buys it will just knock it down?"

And she'll say "But it's a solid house!" which it is...but it's also ugly and smaller than many in the area...can't say THAT to her...I'll just say "Yes but it's not very modern...." and then disengage...she might think about it realistically then.

Jack Exactly! She's such a Boomer...she has NO idea of how fortunate she is to have even what's left...it's well enough to buy a lovely house outright.

I would add "it's so small people will build something huge like all the neighbouring ones".

Be blunt Tis the only thing that will get through. If you offend her she may not mention it to you again ?

Random I will! I think it will make her think...that's what I mean about not seeing the wood for the trees. She's surrounded by McMansions and can't understand that her house will be flattened to build another one!

You could tell her it's worth investing in gaining planning permission like the monstrosities around her...

Is that something you need to do in Aus?

Random I don't think it would be an issue...it's pretty normal in that area, everyone's building two storey houses there and at first, all the older people were up in arms about it....they all think they've got a right to not see any other properties near them you know. Being from the UK I'm used to seeing other people's bedroom windows. They act like someone's shitting on their patio though Maybe it's something that might be worth looking into though even as a way to show MIL that it's what's going to happen so might as well make it easier!

If she keeps asking for your opinion re upgrades to her home then you need to be straight with her and tell her that she's throwing good money after bad eg a pergola won't make any difference to a dated kitchen and bathroom.
She also needs to realise that free childcare for a vaccine denying home educator is not her responsibility.
You really need to lay it on thick. Remind her that neither her ex or her other daughter will help her out.
You sound like a wonderful caring daughter and I feel your exasperation.

MoreWine thanks but I'm a daughter in law...not a daughter so I do feel I only have so much say in what she does or how much advice I give. I'll have to tell DH about the idea that Random has had...investing in planning permission ahead of time so that a buyer might think "Oh well that's ticked off...I'll go ahead"

But really, it will sell almost immediately....they do there.