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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider this - support with childcare, covid, birth - DH and I at a stalemate

71 replies

user1487755366 · 31/10/2020 21:06

I'm due twins (FTM) in a few weeks time via c section. No family nearby. Plan was for my mum to come and stay to provide support for around a week or so. DH does not want her to and is unwilling to budge due to legality and morals of breaking the rules. I totally respect the rules but hoped that allowances could be made under the 'childcare' category as a form of support. I know that the childcare category is so that parents can go to work but I feel that new mums need support too especially recovering from a c section and looking after 2 newborns at a time where other support services have been cut.

AIBU or is DP?

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 31/10/2020 21:07

If she came to stay with you and didn't go elsewhere she would be joining your household and it wouldn't be against the rules

TingTastic · 31/10/2020 21:07

Is DH not taking paternity leave?

Nottherealslimshady · 31/10/2020 21:07

It wouldn't be breaking the rules. They said childcare and other support reasons. Your mum is there to support you after major surgery, not for a holiday. Its perfectly legal

AldiAisleofCrap · 31/10/2020 21:09

Is your dh working away?

Original poster
user1487755366 · 31/10/2020 21:10

For clarity. DH does have paternity leave she would be an extra pair of hands to provide support.

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 31/10/2020 21:10

I thought caring responsibilities were exempt which I would class this as rather than childcare, a c section can be a major operation and you don't know how well you are going to recover.

However I dont know if YABU or not because I'm not sure how long your husband will be off work and how he is planning to support you in your mums absence. Ultimately though I would have thought with twins , the more hands the better

SometimesMaybe · 31/10/2020 21:10

Get your mum to isolate for two weeks before (and you do too) then she comes and provides childcare support I would think that’s ok?

Devilesko · 31/10/2020 21:11

Well, he'll be able to do what your mum would, problem solved.

NC4Now · 31/10/2020 21:12

I think it comes under caring, but if it wasn’t for Covid would DH be happy for her to come? Or would he prefer it to be your time as a new family, and this is a tactful way of saying that’s what he wants?

Dipi79 · 31/10/2020 21:13

Sorry, but I feel that you ABU. I managed with C-section and recovery with twins on my own; you've got your DH there to support you. Having twins is daunting and bloody hard work, but I'm with your DH on this one.

Robs20 · 31/10/2020 21:16

I had twins via c section during last lockdown. We coped fine and it was quite nice for DH and I to muddle through the sleepless nights together. Whilst the extra help would be nice, I honestly think you will be find. Make sure you are organised beforehand though and have a stocked freezer! We had microwave meals for about 6 weeks.

ServeTheServants · 31/10/2020 21:16

@Dipi79 what were the circumstances that meant you found yourself in this situation? Was it because of Covid?

OP, maybe it would be best if your mum came to stay in the week after your husband finishes paternity leave? I’m sure you’ll still need support then.

BornOnThe4thJuly · 31/10/2020 21:18

I agree with a PP that it wouldn’t be breaking the rules as I understand them. I think it’s the right thing to do. You’ll heal better with more rest, and the twins are likely to feed better if you’re more rested, so better for everyone.

MustardMitt · 31/10/2020 21:21

Neither of you are unreasonable. You’re concerned about your ability to cope; DH is worried about possible COVID risk to newborn babies.

Personally, I’m on the side of your husband here. He has paternity leave he can take, he can take additional holiday too.

I am a mum of twins btw, mine weren’t c-section but they were early and I was on my own from two weeks post birth when DH went back to work.

Notashandyta · 31/10/2020 21:24

As pp said, would it not be better for her to come and stay at the end of paternity leave? It can be a lonely and difficult time when you're on your own with newborns...

Notashandyta · 31/10/2020 21:26

That's as long as your partner will step up and pull his weight totally those first couple of weeks! Otherwise you arent being unreasonable wanting your mum to stay

NameChange30 · 31/10/2020 21:26

YANBU, you're the one having major surgery and you get the final say on this. A compromise would be to have your mum come to stay when he returns to work, but tbh if she can come sooner you'll both be grateful for it. He doesn't know what's about to hit him. (And I've never had twins, one newborn is hard enough and I can only imagine!)

Moneypenny007 · 31/10/2020 21:27

Personally I'd have your mum organised to come when your dh goes back to work. It gives him time with you and the babies and u the support when he is working.
2 babies do not need 3 adults sitting looking at them for 2 weeks.

JumperooSue · 31/10/2020 21:27

I think maybe it’s less about your husband caring about the rules etc but more about the fact he probably just doesn’t want your mum there continuously.

Obviously we have no idea of your family dynamic but the first few weeks are intense having another person there would have been my worst nightmare. Maybe your husband feels he is going to be pushed out during his paternity leave. I Hope you can come to a solution so you’re both happy😊

Nicknacky · 31/10/2020 21:27

Is it the case that your H doesn’t want her to come and is using Covid as an excuse without having to actually say what the real reason is?

ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 31/10/2020 21:29

Nobody’s unreasonable exactly. Just wait and see how things go.

Plussizejumpsuit · 31/10/2020 21:33

He is being unreasonable. I suspect once the twins arrive he will be crying out for any help you can get. What I'd be more concerned about is that he feels he has the right to veto any decisions like this.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2020 21:33

It’s best to have your DH pull his weight from day 1. Having your mother there will sideline him and you’ll create a rod for your own back that babycare is women’s work. I’d tell your mother no thank you.

Girlinglasses · 31/10/2020 21:36

I think it absolutely could fall under support/caring category. Also she will be joining your household, not popping in and out. I am aware that some people are saying they had c section twins and they were absolutely fine etc etc but everyone's circumstances are different- you don't know how quickly you will recover, how well the babies will sleep and eat, whether they might be colicky, how well you both will cope etc. Obviously fingers crossed all of those things will go really well and you will be able to really enjoy your two little babies but there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting some extra support as a first time mum who's about to have TWO newborns during lockdown, and anyone who says that you "shouldn't need any extra support" is being harsh. I had my (one) baby via emergency c section in the summer. Luckily, my husband was at home with me for 3 weeks and he is super hands on, and my baby is not a difficult baby. Even still, if we had been able to move house like we wanted to before Covid hit and had a spare room my I would have had my mum to stay for a couple of weeks once he went back to work for some extra support as even with one it was hard, particularly emotionally. It was quite lonely, and lock down makes that worse of course! Good luck and enjoy your two beautiful babies x

Original poster
user1487755366 · 31/10/2020 21:37

Those saying it's not breaking the rules. Can somebody link me the part in the rules about caring - I can't find them.

OP posts: