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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider this - support with childcare, covid, birth - DH and I at a stalemate

71 replies

user1487755366 · 31/10/2020 21:06

I'm due twins (FTM) in a few weeks time via c section. No family nearby. Plan was for my mum to come and stay to provide support for around a week or so. DH does not want her to and is unwilling to budge due to legality and morals of breaking the rules. I totally respect the rules but hoped that allowances could be made under the 'childcare' category as a form of support. I know that the childcare category is so that parents can go to work but I feel that new mums need support too especially recovering from a c section and looking after 2 newborns at a time where other support services have been cut.

AIBU or is DP?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 31/10/2020 21:43

OP does your mum live alone or not?
If she lives alone you can form a support bubble with her, so visiting each other and spending time together is within the rules.

Girlinglasses · 31/10/2020 21:43

I'm not sure if the rules have been officially published yet but this is from an article in the telegraph this evening

AIBU to consider this - support with childcare, covid, birth - DH and I at a stalemate
VampireVicki · 31/10/2020 21:43

Of course your mum can come. The advice is very clear re childcare.

Do they not get on?

Inkpaperstars · 31/10/2020 21:44

I'd tell your mum to isolate and get a bag packed. He'll be changing his mind.

Whether she is best to come at the beginning or after he goes back to work might be decided later.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 31/10/2020 21:46

Fuck covid. Newborn twins was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Get your mum.

Waterdropsdown · 31/10/2020 21:49

Can your mum start isolating when babies are born and then come when husbands paternity leave ends?
I’ve got twins (older now so not born in Covid times). Parents live miles away. Parents came to stay for 3 weeks a few days before husband went back to work. I had section as well. Parents wanted to come earlier but honestly that was most sensible. Meant 5 weeks of totally having someone else to help.

Original poster
user1487755366 · 31/10/2020 21:51

Mum doesn't live alone but it would just be her
I found this but no clarity on what constitutes a childcare bubble from official sources. DH is a stickler for the rules and works in a job where any convictions or warnings would have to be reported to his governing body. He has said if it's something I really want then fine but basically it's on me if things go wrong e.g.we get ill or get 'caught' and I'm really not liking that pressure as I think it's a reasonable thing to want and it would only be for about a week - he has quite a bit of leave booked so there'd be plenty of time just us two.

OP posts:
Waterdropsdown · 31/10/2020 21:52

Very valid point someone has made about husband being confident as a parent - I think this is important to give him time to be kind of the back up to you. Rather than relying on your mum who is experienced. I know my husband was very glad to to have that time without anyone else there as he was a very unconfident first time parent. It didn’t take long and he was much more confident.

BillysMyBunny · 31/10/2020 21:54

Will your DP only have 2 weeks paternity leave? If so it might be better to ask your Mum to wait until he goes back to work to come as she will be more use then and it means DO gets the first 2 weeks to bond with the twins without his MIL there - I can see how he would be anxious about being pushed out in that situation.

OP posts:
carleyemma91 · 31/10/2020 21:55

I don't think it's unreasonable, I had a traumatic birth and was still too poorly to look after my one baby when my husband returned to work after 4 weeks so my mam did come to stay. Maybe consider it just being you, your husband and your twinnies until he returns to work, or set maybe the first two weeks being just you.

LizzieSiddal · 31/10/2020 21:55

My Dd has just had a Csection at 36 weeks, she also had to go back into hospital due to complications. Dd cannot be left with the baby on her own as she can’t lift her out of the crib, so I’ve been with them a lot.
It means her Dh, who has to be awake during the night to life baby out of crib for Dd to feed/change nappies etc, can catch up on his sleep during the day, and I can be there for Dd.

I will continue to do this in the coming weeks, as long as Dd needs the help. It’s very clear in the new guidelines that “childcare” is allowed for dc under 13, including “informal childcare”.

OP your mum will be providing childcare and it is allowed.
I’ll try to find the link.

LouiseTrees · 31/10/2020 21:55

Get your DH on here and I’ll give him a sleep round the head! Although you may want her to join your household after he goes back from paternity leave because that way you have one helper for a longer period rather than them both at the same time then nothing. He is very much unreasonable.

LizzieSiddal · 31/10/2020 21:56

Here you go, this is from your Govt link.

Parents are able to form a childcare bubble with another household for the purposes of informal childcare, where the child is 13 or under.

mcgonagalscat · 31/10/2020 21:58

I had a baby at the beginning of the first lock down and was in exactly the same situation as you. Mum didn't come and stay- I realised later that I had PND and just the worst few weeks. If I could turn back time I would have had mum move in with us for a few weeks, 100%. If Cummings can bend the rules to suit himself and his family, then so can you xx

LouiseTrees · 31/10/2020 21:58

@user1487755366

Mum doesn't live alone but it would just be her I found this but no clarity on what constitutes a childcare bubble from official sources. DH is a stickler for the rules and works in a job where any convictions or warnings would have to be reported to his governing body. He has said if it's something I really want then fine but basically it's on me if things go wrong e.g.we get ill or get 'caught' and I'm really not liking that pressure as I think it's a reasonable thing to want and it would only be for about a week - he has quite a bit of leave booked so there'd be plenty of time just us two.
I’m also in this type of profession and he’s very wrong. There’s a few ways you could operate and be entirely within the rules. She could be your childcare bubble or she could join your household for a week then leave or if you need it she could count as a carer.
mcgonagalscat · 31/10/2020 22:00

It was my husband who was a stickler for the rules too. Don't not invite your mum and regret it later, do what your gut is telling you is the right thing. If you want your mum there to experience your lovely new babies and to give you some help then you should do it, and i can't imagine anyone would or could complain about that in real life, despite what none sense you see on Mumsnet

Bettyboop82 · 31/10/2020 22:00

I had twins (ftm and also csection) and has my mum to help but only after DH returned to work. We enjoyed those first few weeks as a family, just us and managed just fine. Am wishing you the very best of luck, twins are so special and you’re in for many years of fun! Xx

Original poster
user1487755366 · 31/10/2020 22:05

Thank you for all the responses. I've had a difficult pregnancy and haven't seen my family at all for months (and only seen them once the whole time). I've almost completely isolated for the last 6 six weeks working from home and no social interaction at all as he is at work a lot. I just hate the pressure of this all - being told I'm putting his livelihood and our whole family's health at risk. I'll speak to DP again and show him the clause about informal childcare in the rule

OP posts:
Racoonworld · 31/10/2020 22:06

If he’s got paternity leave then time booked off then no it’s not reasonable for your mum to come. It’s something you want but not something you need. You don’t need childcare as your not working and your DH is there, and you don’t need caring for as your DH is there. None of you are single households either so no support bubble. Sorry but it would be breaking the lockdown rules.

LizzieSiddal · 31/10/2020 22:11

You don’t need childcare as your not working

Parental Working is not mentioned in the guidelines. People who aren’t working also need childcare, eg for medical reasons.

Cocomarine · 31/10/2020 22:14

I would see that as caring responsibilities not childcare, so fine from that point of view.
I’d have hated having my MIL in the house in my first 2 weeks as a new parent - are you sure he just doesn’t want to say that?

NovemberRain2 · 31/10/2020 22:20

What does FTM mean?

Bambooble · 31/10/2020 22:22

It sounds like he doesn't want her there, and it's just an easy excuse rather than being honest. Can she come over once he has gone back to work?

User0ne · 31/10/2020 22:24

Are you sure it's just about the rules?

Plenty of mumsnetters would be going mental if someone said their DH wanted to invite their MIL to stay for the 2 weeks following birth but they wanted time alone as a family.

Provided you believe that DH will step up to looking after you and babies I would invite your mum for after his paternity leave. That also gives her clear dates in which she needs to self isolate before visiting. You said she doesn't live alone; will the people she lives with isolate so she isn't an exposure risk?