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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider this - support with childcare, covid, birth - DH and I at a stalemate

71 replies

user1487755366 · 31/10/2020 21:06

I'm due twins (FTM) in a few weeks time via c section. No family nearby. Plan was for my mum to come and stay to provide support for around a week or so. DH does not want her to and is unwilling to budge due to legality and morals of breaking the rules. I totally respect the rules but hoped that allowances could be made under the 'childcare' category as a form of support. I know that the childcare category is so that parents can go to work but I feel that new mums need support too especially recovering from a c section and looking after 2 newborns at a time where other support services have been cut.

AIBU or is DP?

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 31/10/2020 22:24

Those saying he may not want her there, well as his wife is going to be having a major operation and then two newborns to look after, unless he wants to be on duty 24/7 for two weeks, he’d be well advised to accept his MILs help.

Haenow · 31/10/2020 22:25

I think YABU to not establish if perhaps he just doesn’t want your mother there especially if he’s on leave.
Technically, it’d be caring responsibility but arguably not, if he’s there too.
I mean, I’m not saying you’re wrong (I don’t think you are) but I do wonder if he just doesn’t want her staying..

LizzieSiddal · 31/10/2020 22:26

Plenty of mumsnetters would be going mental if someone said their DH wanted to invite their MIL to stay for the 2 weeks following birth but they wanted time alone as a family.

It not about the father. It’s about a woman who’s having a major operation and has been pregnant for nine months. If she wants her mum there, any decent H would agree.

Original poster

user1487755366 · 31/10/2020 22:26

@Haenow

I think YABU to not establish if perhaps he just doesn’t want your mother there especially if he’s on leave. Technically, it’d be caring responsibility but arguably not, if he’s there too. I mean, I’m not saying you’re wrong (I don’t think you are) but I do wonder if he just doesn’t want her staying..

I've asked this directly and he insists that's not the case.

OP posts:

doctorhamster · 31/10/2020 22:30

It would make more sense for your dm to come when your dh goes back to work.

HotToCold · 31/10/2020 22:32

Can she come once your husband goes back to work?

She will be ‘moving in with you to provide support’ So sure it would be allowed

Clarissa111 · 31/10/2020 22:48

Sorry, before I answer, what does FTM mean? Thanks.

Original poster

user1487755366 · 31/10/2020 22:50

@Clarissa111

Sorry, before I answer, what does FTM mean? Thanks.

First time mum

OP posts:

Clarissa111 · 31/10/2020 22:53

Sorry, I should have realised that! I had twins after 2 girls. And its hard. Your husband should know that all support should be welcome. I had experience, my 2 elder ones were 14 months apart. But twins are so different.

Congratulations BTW, they may be hard work, but they really are a blessing.
UANBU

user1471560845 · 31/10/2020 23:15

Never mind the rules, if you want your mum, have your mum. Twins, c section, first time round. Absolutely have your mum if she is going to be a support for you. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s against the rules as I would count it as childcare 🤷🏻‍♀️

PeonyandDahlia · 31/10/2020 23:17

I had twins and I would have hated having my mum or MIL around in those first weeks. I just wanted me and DH. Perhaps your DH feels the same and doesn't want his MIL staying in those precious first days.

Thespottytortoise · 31/10/2020 23:28

I don't know. 3 adults to look after 2 babies seems a bit overkill (and I've had 2 sections myself).

It would be nice for her to be around, but I can't see that it's needed whilst your husband is also around, so perhaps wait until he's gone back to work.

Skysblue · 31/10/2020 23:35

Congratulations. Yanbu. Most men are not very useful with babies, and you will barely be able to sit up. Of course you want your mum. She is providing support to a vulnerable person - you. It is perfectly legal and your DH is being an unsupportive arse at a very bad time. I wonder if part of him is leaping at the excuse not to have mother in law staying.

Wales34 · 01/11/2020 00:35

Not saying I'm right here but just wanted to offer my experience. Had my first baby and my partners mum came to help for two weeks , to be honest , it caused me significant stress. She had a different opinion on everything and felt like I was being judged .this in turn caused arguments between me and my partner as understandably he thought his mum knew best. Examples ,.no need for baby to sleep on back , she bought a portable heater for the baby in the middle of July . She would come into my room everyday and wipe down surfaces when I was in bed , she came into my room after I had gone to the toilet for the first time after a c section to clean the bathroom straight away
She said the baby didn't need feeding I needed to talk to her , argghh It would have been less stressful for us both to just get on with it . The problem is that everyone has different opinions when it comes to babies, ther is no right or wrong way ( apart from.tbe SID guidance) . It might be that your partner doesn't want your mum there. It might be better for your mum to come and help once your partner is back at work , doing it on your own will be hard with two

Haenow · 01/11/2020 00:37

@user1487755366

Thanks for replying. Do you think he’s being honest with you? Only you know him best, so hopefully you can tell.
Does he have a good relationship with your mum?

Frazzledme · 01/11/2020 00:41

I wanted my mum around even with the best husband and father. Both of us were clueless, my mum was a massive help. I understand it's different with covid but think this type of support is allowed in the rules and I'm not going to sit here having benefitted from my mum being around then tell you 'you're silly.' Hope all goes well whatever you choose.

MustardMitt · 01/11/2020 13:52

Yeah also as much as I love my mum I really didn’t want her there foe longer than a visit for the first weeks when I was getting myself established. I think that’s something to consider also, from both your perspectives. I don’t think I would have felt comfortable pushing my husband away to let my mum in either - I know it’s ‘not about the dad’ (as someone put upthread) but actually I think it is. Don’t start your life as a parent relying on help from your mother and not your husband. It sets a precedent.

Scarlettpixie · 01/11/2020 14:06

I am with you DH. If he is there you don’t need your mum too. Maybe she could come in a few weeks once the restrictions are lifted and your DH is back at work.

aToadOnTheWhole · 01/11/2020 14:13

Yanbu.

5678hfdtu · 01/11/2020 14:17

YANBU

drumst1ck · 01/11/2020 14:28

I would agree with others suggestions of having her once your partner has gone back to work. Not twins, but I actually found a few weeks in way harder than the initial weeks where adrenaline was still working its magic. It would fall under childcare help so I don't think YABU.

But having her come a few weeks in gives him time to bond/help out without worrying about his toes being stepped on. After a few weeks he might be very happy for her to come and help!! 😂

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