Husband can't cook

[hashbrownsandwich]

Husband lived alone for 15 years. He is successful in his job and is highly skilled, so he's by no means unintelligent.
I am a trained chef. I don't work in the industry anymore but obviously that's my background.

Sometimes, I get fed up of being chief meal planner, shopper and cook, on top of working 4 shifts a week in my day job.

We have a reoccurring argument because whenever he cooks, I can guarantee it will either be undercooked/overcooked or cold by the time he's dicked about trying to plate up (aka splat it on a plate).

He says I'm being an ungrateful cow when he serves up undercooked food to the family. For example, this morning as I'm not feeling great he said he would cook some hash browns, beans and toast.

He literally follows the packet instructions to the dot. I can clearly see the hash browns are raw, he serves them up and he's taken so long doing the toast that the beans are cold.

I tell him we can't eat raw potatoes and they need longer. He hits the roof saying I'm ungrateful and they're edible.

Am I being an ungrateful snob?

His line is always that he needs more practice to cook properly, yet he won't accept when he's wrong so he's never going to learn.

When he lived alone he would eat some very strange combinations and I've tried to explain to him that while he might enjoy something like pork chops and pasta, it's not something I would serve to the family.

Sorry I think I'm just ranting now!

I would never cook again if I were him I'd be mortified. The uncooked food is the problem as it's unsafe but if it's overcooked and a bit dry or something has gone cold, you sound ungrateful.
My husband is a far better cook than me, I can end up with something that's gone cold when I'm sorting out another part of the meal but he graciously says thank you and scoffs it, but he cooks the most and only recently have I started cooking on a regular basis.
But I sort out all the shopping and meal planning because when he shops we end up with a million odds and ends that don't total a single meal.

I love a good cooking/baking/BBQ show, much as I like shows where they remake cars or anything where people that really enjoy a skill can show it off & we can live vicariously through them.

I can't drive, know little about them beyond the basics of car care that I was taught back in the '90s that are probably really out of date and have no confidence when it comes to cooking. I come from a family of shite cooks - my grandmother's creamed corn was known to make people ill, my mother was a from a box cook and my father once started a fire in the kitchen boiling water (I think it was from grease on the hob, but not sure) and for years would only buy things that were put into the oven or microwave and then take them back out again. Most of my for-me meals have prep, but little to no cooking.

My spouse comes from a family with chefs and a love of cooking from scratch. I remember when I admit to him I'd never had cheesy pasta that wasn't the blue box Kraft mac & cheese before . He's had to deal with a lot of undercooked things from me, I seem to somehow have an overriding fear of burning things.

Menu planning and cooking together has helped both of us, making it a social, family thing rather than either of us alone in the kitchen. Even if it's just him sitting in there talk to me while I do it, it helps ease my nerves & feels like we're doing this together rather than me setting myself up for failure. Having evenings where the kids help has been great too.

Thinking of the hash browns, if you are normally the cook then there will be even some quite basic things which you will just know:

• how hot does your oven cook? We know that our oven cooks slower than the time stated on the bag so will adjust time and temperature for this.
• does he know to allow suffiecient time for the oven to preheat and that the temperature will plummet when something frozen goes in?

They may be obvious things to you but if he doesnt know, he doesnt know.

Is there something you havent cooked before which he could try? That way you will have fewer pre-conceived ideas about how it should taste.

DH is the main cook in our house. I tend to be the one who tries new things. When I have to cook one of the family staples I get nervous and doubt myself.

I cant cook and neither can Dh. I've done it for 10 years because I at least know how, I'm just terrible at it lol.

But this year I've taken a step back and forced Dh to cook because he needs to learn about the strain of the what's for dinner stress and the feeling when someone else is critical of a meal you do your best on.

The result is we eat under/over cooked food on a semi regular basis as he too follows instructions to the letter but forgets that the oven needs time to heat up etc.

I now have the mantra so long as it's not going to make me majorly ill like raw chicken I'll just eat it. Eventually he'll improve and get the tricks and stuff that the more experienced use to get by.

I wouldnt criticise too much, the only thing I've been forceful of is telling him the time for the instructions shouldn't start until the preheat light goes off.

Missing the point I know but what is wrong with pork chops and pasta? I used eat it quite a lot, I'm gluten intolerant now so have pork chops and rice, not sure if that would be seen as better or worse.

I'll tell you what would put me right off trying anything as an amateur... Living with a professional who slagged off every attempt I made.

Think on the OP. Perhaps time to be less Gordon Ramsay and more Ainsley Harriott.

I am a shit cook! And a 'simple' meal like hashbrowns, beans and toast would be a nightmare for me. Too many things with different timings - my brain cannot do the timing maths or focus on more than one element at a time. I get flustered, things get dropped and burnt. It's took me 52 years to master boiled egg and toast.

Much better to get him a 'one pot' beginners recipe book that gives prep instructions. And get out of the kitchen when he cooks! Having an expert standing over you, ready to critique is a horrible feeling.

For some reason, I found I can follow Hairy Bikers Diet cookbooks. They work for my brain. I'm up to a whole 12 recipes that I don't ruin and that don't freak me out. They've taken away my 'fear'.

I think he needs to find what he can do successfully and do that. If that is pasta and a jar of pesto, then that’s it. He clearly lacks the will to cook frozen stuff well (and tbh, a lot of that stuff is tricky to time well) and you don’t like it when he goes off piste, so just lower your expectations for when it’s his turn to cook.

My husband wasn’t a bad cook when we met, he was just inexperienced. One memorable evening he wanted to cook for me so did salmon with new potatoes and broccoli. He did the salmon and broccoli before the potatoes so they were cold by the time the spuds were done! That was years ago now and he is a good cook now - not as good as me like - but he is good. We still sometimes have pasta and sauce or beans on toast.

OMG SCRAP MY LAST REPLY, THAT WAS MY PREVIOUS HUSBAND

AMAZING 😂😂😂😂

Looks like you are going to have to settle for microwave full ready meals splatted on the plate when it’s his turn. If it’s in the microwave the timings are less likely to go wrong as they are all a standard temperature or if not you explain that you add an extra 30 seconds eg if it says do it for 1 minute on a 900 cat E and you have a 750 Cat D. Otherwise I’d just do all the cooking, doesn’t mean he can’t shop for ingredients needed though.

Are you sure he’s actually shit at cooking or is it just that you’re a professional chef so have supremely high standards?

I know DH’s chef friend insists on doing the cooking because his fiancé doesn’t live up to his impeccable standards. She cooked for us one night and I thought it was great 🤷🏻‍♀️

Probably going against the grain, but maybe it's just a case of playing to everyone's strengths? I hate cooking and I'm not particularly good at it, so DP does 95% of it. On nights when he can't bothered, doesn't feel like it or is busy then I'll do something easy (pasta & pesto, baked potatoes etc) for us both or we'll get a takeaway.

In return I tend to do the dishes, keep the flat neat and tidy (he's messier than me), keep on top of household supplies etc. We share the cleaning and laundry. These aren't hard & fast roles, there's give and take every day, but it's working well so far.

I'm 58 and I can't cook. Probably because I don't want to. Some people just don't.

@Enko

On a side note I love pork shops and pasta. Op have the conversation away from the kitchen. Not directly during/after him having cooked. So it doesn't feel like a critism when he feels he has tried. He might well be open for learning about stuff then.

Me too!

I think there’s a limit to what you can expect from a basic cook, a lot of possible meals sound off limits due to your ‘standards’.

Yes you can cook and like more elaborate meals, but at the end of the day if you want a night off, get him a food thermometer and let him cook what he’s comfortable with (as long as it’s not actually hazardous, obviously) and just deal with it, or always cook for yourself and let him cook for himself sometimes.

Timings take a long time to get right if you’re not a confident cook - I learnt on an Aga so cooking on gas was an.... interesting experience for a while 🔥🤦🏻‍♀️

@hashbrownsandwich

OMG SCRAP MY LAST REPLY, THAT WAS MY PREVIOUS HUSBAND

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Dying here

I think the problem for lots of people is that cooking isn't really the exact science they expect it to be, most people who can actually cook don't follow a recipe to the letter; you taste then season, use your eyes, taste, touch, smell to know what's cooking slowly/overcooking, you might know it takes approximately twenty minutes but you won't blindly follow the beep of the timer, you recognise it needs more this or that, but if you have no basic knowledge or palate (DH eats those foul sausage rolls with ketchup in them) to work from it's going to be bland, dry, undercooked, overcooked etc

I don’t know what the point of the thread is OP is if you’re just going to make excuses for him.

I am making Mexican tonight, I'm tempted to just make the bits I want (veggie) and not make his chilli brisket, however I know he would be grateful for whatever I serve so I'll just feel guilty.

Fuck his brisket. This thread is so frustrating.

So he's calmed down now and said that he can cook. I still say he can't but I'm not gonna argue that one again at the moment.

He does makes a good kofta kebab with tzaziki, I'll give him that. I mean, it takes a few hours and all the equipment he can find to do so, but I guess at least he tries.

Another vote for pork chops and pasta being lovely, it was one of the few ways I'd have pork chops. Cheese and broccoli microwave pasta if I was feeling extra lazy.

Most people have said you're being too critical, your standards are too high. I do think you should apologise and offer encouragement for him to cook more. It takes a lot of practise to learn when the instructions are wrong.

Pork and pasta and especially tagliatelles go very well together.

@stackemhigh

I don’t know what the point of the thread is OP is if you’re just going to make excuses for him.

I am not making excuses for him, he isn't good at cooking but I do believe he tries, he just doesn't have a natural instinct.

He would do anything for me, except cook a hash brown correctly.

@hashbrownsandwich

OMG SCRAP MY LAST REPLY, THAT WAS MY PREVIOUS HUSBAND

You've lost the moral high ground I think

I do all the cooking and shopping in my house. When I first met the wife her idea of dinner was a bowl of cereal. To her food is functional, whereas I really love my food, experimenting, trying and learning different cuisines. If I have had a shit day at work cooking a nice meal actually relaxes me. Her cooking has got better but it's just not something she is into. I would rather cook and eat nice things then go on a crusade to make her learn to cook properly.

If DH criticised my cooking, I'd be offended, if he did it every single time I made a meal, I'd never cook for him again and consider divorce. It must be so annoying for your husband to be constantly criticised because his cooking isn't to a professional standard. Stop undermining and criticising him.

You're a chef, stop comparing his cooking to yours. He doesn't expect you to do his job to his standards so your expectations are ridiculous.

As for buying him cookery classes as a gift when he's no interest in cooking because you want him to cook better. That's just nasty. It's not a gift for him.

If you were a man, the responses would be telling you that you're emotionally abusive and controlling. Which would be accurate.