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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want kids but not feel maternal?

59 replies

BadlyDrawnSimpsonsCharacter · 30/10/2020 23:58

Just that really. I don't currently have children but they are in mine and DH's plans (within the next couple of years). We both want them, and we'd be good, loving parents.

Problem is...I don't feel maternal. I have never felt "the urge" to have children.

Is this normal? Or AIBU for wanting a baby when I feel like this?

I am 30 by the way, if that is relevant.

OP posts:

walkerboot · 31/10/2020 00:09

I feel exactly the same way. For a long time I wasn't sure if I did want them, now I know I do but still don't feel overly maternal.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 31/10/2020 00:48

Can you expand a bit more on what you mean by not "feeling maternal"?

(I would think that "wanting a baby" and "feeling maternal" were pretty much the same thing, but maybe I'm wrong?)

Do you mean that you don't find babies appealing, or that you don't anticipate enjoying doing childcare things (bathing, changing, feeding, etc). Are you not keen on the baby phase, but are looking forward to the young child/teenage years? Or do you mean that you feel ambivalent about having a child at all?

If you aren't sure you want children, it is OK not to have them - having been raised myself by two people who didn't really like children but just thought it was "what you do", I definitely think it should be something you're actively keen on rather than the default.

namechange8765433 · 31/10/2020 00:52

To echo @FineWordsForAPorcupine, I have a friend who had a family because it was what all her friends were doing and it has ended incredibly badly for those children (and my friend).

I suppose your age is relevant since you are still of an age where you're not in any immediate rush biologically so maybe try waiting a few years and see how you both feel then?

ViciousJackdaw · 31/10/2020 01:02

There are some women for whom having DC is all they have ever wanted and turn into a gibbering wreck at the sight of a neonate whilst others feel ambivalent until the right time comes. It's all normal.

I do agree with FineWords though and perhaps examine why you want children.

Noti23 · 31/10/2020 01:10

Everyone think they’re going to be good parents before they have kids. Then the kids have other ideas.

You don’t have to be maternal to be a good parent either. Sometimes the best parents parent with a more objective view than an emotional one.

Ilady · 31/10/2020 02:54

The reality is that once you have a child your responsibe for them. You have to think and plan long term for putting them through school, extra activities or music, swimming, sports ect and then be able to afford to put them through college.
Also what happens if your child has special needs and perhaps you might not be able to go back to work due to the care they require.
I would have plenty of chats with your partner about why he wants a child. Do any of his friends have babies/small children. I know some men who want kids but have never spent time with a crying baby, dealt with bad nappy or a small child full of energy. Also the nights out in the pub or the holidays with the lads can't continue as if they don't have a child. The reality is that it's important you have a brake from a baby/child and what money is coming into the house has further to go once you have a baby/child.
I have a number of neices and nephews from baby to late teens. I have seen the costs their parents have had over the years and none of them are in college yet.
It's your decision to have children but personally I would want to be married before having kids as it gives you more legal rights. If your not married I would not give up your job or go part time either.
I would look into the cost of child care and other costs. I would think long and hard about having kids - is this something you both want or are you just doing this because it's expected.
If you want to have a family start saving now and start trying in 18 to 24 months as this will give you time to save and to decide if you want this. Also if you need help to have a baby you will still be young enough to have a better chance if you require help to get pregnant or need IVF.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2020 03:00

Op, I have never really been that fond of other people's children, but I adore mine. That being said, only you can decide if you want to have a baby. There is no wrong answer.

wontonwoman · 31/10/2020 03:20

I was the same and everyone was sure when I announced I was pregnant, some saying to me was it planned?! 😒 but I had my baby anyway and I believe I'm a good parent, just had another and love my babies more than anything. I had a rocky start with bonding but both mine were preemie and I have never had a "normal" birthing experience. Both my babies were taken away immediately following their birth by special care, but over a few months I did bond so if you worry you haven't bonded straight away, don't just keep going and give it time and be kind to yourself. Don't let the maternal thing worry you. Now go and make babies!! 🤗

wontonwoman · 31/10/2020 03:21

*surprised.

Aria2015 · 31/10/2020 03:53

@BadlyDrawnSimpsonsCharacter I was the same but perhaps less keen to have children than you sound. I have two now and I love it. Turns out I am super maternal but only towards my own children. Who knew!? Lol!

I don't think how broody or maternal you feel before having children is always a good indicator of how you'll actually be once you have them. I know friends who have been super broody and then struggled with the reality of having a baby and also friends like myself who were worried they weren't going to be maternal or enjoy motherhood, but who have been pleasantly surprised by how much they enjoy it.

There's no sure we may to know beforehand, but certainly don't write yourself off as not maternal because you may well be very maternal but it won't kick in until you have a baby if your own.

Pokerfaced · 31/10/2020 04:38

Feeling broody is not a prerequisite for being a good parent.

lazyfecker · 31/10/2020 04:42

Are you just feeling societal pressure?

I've never felt maternal, briefly wondered in my 30s if I should be having them, realised I would just be ticking a box. Now in my 50s and happy as I am.

Good luck with your decision - I know it's not easy.

Original poster

BadlyDrawnSimpsonsCharacter · 31/10/2020 23:12

Thanks for your responses everyone.
I feel as though I definitely want children but I am terrified of the change to my life. I am happy as I am (married, working full time, no kids).
I'm just not one of these people who is desperate for children - I don't have the urge and I'm not particularly over-interested in other people's kids. Probably makes me sound like a very selfish person but I may as well be honest.
It helps hearing from other people who are similar to me but have gone on to have families of their own - it makes me feel a little more normal!

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 31/10/2020 23:18

I wasnt maternal as such before I had my kids i.e. didnt like children, NEVER wanted to hold a baby, ran a mile from childrens events but I always knew I wanted my own children. I have my own now and love them to bits

Waveysnail · 31/10/2020 23:20

Btw we were married 5 years before we decided it was time for us. We knew we wanted them and didnt want to risk leaving it too late.

VestaTilley · 31/10/2020 23:23

YANBU for feeling that way- it’s quite normal.

BUT do you want children because you really like kids/want your own, or because it’s expected of you?

You don’t need to love all kids to have your own- but parents should be warm, responsive and loving. If you think you’d be loving and demonstrative towards your child, then that’s what counts.

Do you have friends/family with young kids you could spend a few days with to see what it’s like day to day?

DDIJ · 31/10/2020 23:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

kathmacc · 31/10/2020 23:44

I don’t particularly like children or animals. I particularly love my own 5 children and my dog and the dogs I fostered whilst waiting for permanent homes.

Frazzledme · 01/11/2020 00:05

I love my boys and mostly like other peoples kids if I like the parents but children didn't interest me at all before I had my own. I very much wanted kids but felt like I would have been happy either way, that said the second my eldest was in born it was like love I've never known. I had a couple of years out workwise now back full time now. You adjust but no reason to miss out on things you enjoy now.

RonaRossi · 01/11/2020 00:14

I didn’t really ‘want’ children in the sense of having a desperate urge for a baby. But I knew that I definitely didn’t not want dc iyswim? I could have easily carried on without having dc and been fine but I had a very strong feeling I would regret not having them.

So, we did, and I’m very glad!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 01/11/2020 00:17

I didn't feel especially broody before having DD in my early 30's. Like you, I enjoyed my career, travelled, etc. but it was part of our plan to have a family. What "brought on" the maternal sense was the depth of feeling I have for my children - it's visceral and unchanging. You just love them, even if you don't always like their behavior (especially now I have teenagers). .

Anordinarymum · 01/11/2020 00:22

@BadlyDrawnSimpsonsCharacter

Just that really. I don't currently have children but they are in mine and DH's plans (within the next couple of years). We both want them, and we'd be good, loving parents.

Problem is...I don't feel maternal. I have never felt "the urge" to have children.

Is this normal? Or AIBU for wanting a baby when I feel like this?

I am 30 by the way, if that is relevant.

You will be absolutely fine. I don't know what maternal feelings are to be honest. I am a person who likes children. They are funny and honest and full of life, and they are tomorrows people. When you have your own child you will have feelings you never thought possible, and to be a good parent is the best thing you will ever do.

I'm a grandma now and I have an ace relationship with my oldest grandson. He tells me I am the most important person in his life. Don't worry about feeling maternal. it's just a word

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 01/11/2020 00:26

I was exactly the same. I'd never once held a baby until I had my own. I have two children now, 13 and 10 and they're awesome. We have fun, laughter and lots of cuddles. We also often argue because they're quite irritating too. But they're the best thing I've ever done. I still feel very ambivalent towards other children and I still don't really like holding other people's babies.

lazyfecker · 01/11/2020 04:15

There was a thread here recently about women who regretted having their children. What they didn't say was how they felt prior to having them. Maybe there was a mixture of both types in there.

MountainPeakGeek · 01/11/2020 04:33

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck - Likewise! I'd never held a single baby before having dc1 handed to me. I still don't much like being around any children but my own.

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