To want kids but not feel maternal?

[BadlyDrawnSimpsonsCharacter]

Just that really. I don't currently have children but they are in mine and DH's plans (within the next couple of years). We both want them, and we'd be good, loving parents.

Problem is...I don't feel maternal. I have never felt "the urge" to have children.

Is this normal? Or AIBU for wanting a baby when I feel like this?

I am 30 by the way, if that is relevant.

Another thread when women will do everything to persuade OP that she will be amazing mother no matter what. I like these threads, even more then those where OP comes and says she is a shit mother and explains why and and then hundreds of women (maybe even men) come to say that it is just in her head, that she is trying her best and that she is actually an amazing parent.

Well guess what? Not all people are made to be parents. Lot of them should have never had kids. And they should have thought really hard before having them - and then decide against it.

My mother was crap mother. She beat me daily until I was 13 (stopped when war came and she couldn't do it in the shelter in front of other people). Reasons were "a plate fell from my hand, I ripped a blank page from my notebook, I sad something I shouldn't have in front of her friends - I was five), never hugged me, never kissed me, never said a kind word, never bought a Christmas or birthday present. I had food in my belly and roof over my head and for her that was enough. She had a crap childhood herself and awful husband and I was the person she could attack because I couldn't attack back. When my brother was born two years later she was a wonderful mother to him but stayed a crap mother to me.

OP, I'm not saying you're going to be like my mother (and my father to lesser degree). But think hard before you have a child. Once a child is here, he or she will take over your life and it will never come back. It is all right to mourn the loss of freedom, but child, especially small child will take everything from you and if you're not ready to give him all the love and patience in the world, don't do it. Enjoy your life but please, don't bring a child into it.

And be careful who you have your child with. He should want it and be prepared to be a father 100 per cent, night feedings, nappy changes and all.

So normal.

We were married years and never even discussed having children until a few months before I tried to get pregnant.

I had absolutely zero interest in children too.

Love my own but subsequently have zero interest in babies or random children.

Maybe it's just my circle but I would know lots of women who liked their own but no great interest in children generally.🤷🏻‍♀️

I like children (I’m a primary teacher) but I’m not maternal particularly. I don’t feel the need to gush over babies and I barely held one until I had my own.
However, as a partnership we wanted to have children, so we had DS. Within seconds of his arrival I understood the primal mothering instinct and I actually found it terrifying. It isn’t as overwhelming as in those very early moments by it is definitely still there. I’m still not maternal, but the need to protect and love is very much there. The pleasure his existence gives me is immeasurable- even in these tricky teenage years.

I felt the same before I had DD but she is the most amazing thing I have ever done.

I'm not terribly maternal. I don't like other people's babies, I don't find them cute, I don't want to hold them. This is true even now I've got two of my own.

However, my two are the cutest and most precious babies ever to grace this planet and I adore cuddles with them.

I was maternal at all , always said I didn't want kids. Changed my mind at 33 and had my first at 34. It wasn't the instant love people talk about it grew with time.

I have have a 4 and 6 year old boys and I love them to bits.

It's bloody hard work though and they drive me crazy at times but I wouldn't change them and now I think without them my life would be unfulfilled and Lonely

I wasnt maternal or broody at all but I did want kids (I sort of pictured being old with grown up kids etc). I think that’s different to just not wanting kids.

I have surprised myself and absolutely love being a Mum.

I would say though, prepare yourself for the upheaval and try as best you can to figure out if you’ll be ok with that. I didn’t find that they just ‘slotted in’ to my life, they turned it upside down. It is hard and exhausting, you don’t get time for yourself, and it does impact your work, friends and relationships. For me, it’s entirely worth it (I say this as my baby is snoring is cute little head off in the middle of my bed after being up 5 times in the night).

Very normal. I wasn’t maternal, no interest in people bringing their babies into work, no younger siblings so no knowledge of babies. I knew I wanted a family but the idea of a baby was boring and stressful to me. DH really wanted to be a dad.

I started to realise how much I wanted one when I hit my mid 30s and had been trying for a couple of years, and watching friends start their families. It was painful to see their success and feel left behind. After a long journey I had DD.

I was right about babies- they are exhausting, relentless, leaving them to cry is so stressful and they don’t do very much. But it’s true that the baby stage is over fast (doesn’t feel that way when you’re in it though!)

She’s nearly 3 now and though we have challenges it’s way better than the newborn years. She gets better all the time and is the best thing in my life. If this pregnancy works out I am about to do it all again (this will be my last).

It’s absolutely fine to not be all gooey over babies but still want a family. Having a realistic not rose-tinted view of parenthood isn’t a bad thing. It’s also absolutely fine to not want them or wait a while before TTC. I would also prioritise being financially and emotionally stable, and ensure that your DP is happy to be a hands on dad. The young child years can hamper your career (or the primary carer’s) for a while unless you’re wealthy enough to have a nanny, or have a really hands-on family for childcare which was one of my reasons for waiting.

IMO it’s fairly normal not to be interested in kids, or maybe to find them a PITA, but then to find you feel quite differently about your own.

Even after I had mine (I did really want them) I often found other people’s children irritating - profoundly so if they were at all spoilt/whiny/plain little sods.

I always wanted children - I wanted a family, I wanted them at every age, I wanted to see them grow.

I was/am a bit scared of babies. Never changed a nappy or fed one until my own. Had no clue about what to do, was baffled about much of it. I looked at babyhood as a necessary evil to get to the good bits. Was relieved to get back to work and never miss them in the day

But I knew I wanted kids and they are the centre of my existence. Better than I ever imagined and bring me joy every day. I do not like other kids much and feel ill at ease with them but I cope fine when they come round and can herd a group of 10 year old girls round the cinema and pizza place as well as anyone which is all that's needed most of the time.

You don't need to coo over babies or be and earth mother to be a good mum but you do have to be interested and loving and present.

Me, me, me! I always thought that children weren’t part of my future, then I listened to a Woman’s Hour piece about the fertility cliff when I was 34 and two weeks shy of my 35th birthday, DD was born. DD was very much wanted but not planned, TTC just seemed to much of a big decision.

DD is now 13 and despite loving her to bits, I’m still not particularly maternal.

A second sounded great on paper but there was never any great desire to have another.

Normal.

I didn't become interested in other people's babies until after I had my own. People would bring their baby into work to show off and older women particularly, would crowd round and coo and I'd think 'ok, it's a baby, that's nice for you if it's what you wanted. I have work to do'.

I always had the idea I'd like children one day though. Or, even when I wasn't sure that was so important, I couldn't rule it out. How close it was to the surface depended a lot on whether I was with someone potentially suitable at the time, absorbed in other things etc. I think a lot of my 'rationalising it away' at times, was to do with uncertainty about finding the right partner and being in a position to have all life choices open to me.

The 'surprising urge to have a baby' often seems to kick in around 35 and I've seen quite a few women, even of the 'totally uninterested in kids, why should I pay taxes to support other people's lifestyle choices?' persuasion, suddenly discover a desire to reproduce at about that age.

I feel exactly the same OP so interested in the replies.
DP and I both have very good jobs with high salaries which mean we have a lovely lifestyle and enjoy lots of trips away, days out, fancy restaurants etc. I genuinely love the life we have together.
The whole getting pregnant, giving birth and then having 18 years of having to put someone else first sounds like an awful lot of hassle for something I’m not particularly bothered about.

Perhaps I’ll change my mind once we get married and buy our “family home” but I’m not convinced.

I never wanted kids. And never felt maternal before having my kids. And then i had a kid and BAM i was a mum and couldn't feel better 😊
Still dont like other people's kids however 😂

I’m going through IVF and would rather stick a rusty knitting needle in me than hang out with other people’s young children. Other people’s kids (with the exception of my sister’s children) are not interesting to me. I will politely ask waitresses for a different table if they offer us one near a young family.

I’m not massively broody and I wouldn’t say I’m overly maternal, but this is something I know with complete confidence that I want to do.

The most broody/maternal person I know stopped at one child as it was such a shock to the system. She found the reduction in freedom/spontaneity too oppressive.

I dont think people are telling the OP she will be a great mother no matter what. People are describing their own experiences mostly.

I felt like you. Actually maybe a bit worse, I was a bit scared of babies and would actively try and get out of holding them etc. We decided to try and if it happened it happened and if it didnt it didnt.

It was fine and I probably coped a bit better than my husband with the baby stage because I was under no illusions that it would be all cuddles and cuteness, I was prepared for it to be hard work.

Me and my husband both love our kids but neither of us were prepared for the relentless ness of it all. I crave time off so I can just lie in bed messing on my phone or reading a book. If I could do it all again I probably would, but equally having seen what life is like with children I wouldnt have then been devastated not to have any.

A lot of men are not 'maternal' but want kids and that doesn't automatically make them shit fathers

I was never broody and never wanted to hold other people's babies etc.

I always assumed I'd have kids though and DH was broody so we had two.

I always knew the younger bit would be hard as I'm very talky! I've always got on well with older children- about 4 up- when they start making s bit of sense and you can play more grown up type games and whatnot.

I did get PND but think that was down to s variety of factors.

I really started to enjoy having the children when they were able 4 - which was what I'd guessed! I always remembered they are babies/ toddlers for a very short time.

They're 11 and 13 now and they are completely awesome! Brilliant children.

As a PP said the love that you have for them just isn't like anything else. I had no idea about that before they were born.

On the maternal thing, DH is very maternal. Patient kind cuddly etc. He'd cuddle them to sleep for literally hours if they wanted him to. So we had that covered- we're just the other way around to the norms/ stereotypes I suppose!

Why do you want them then? It sounds like it's just "on your list" in which case you'll be one who regrets it. There's a lot of other things that might be on that list too.

I was like you. Figured I’d have kids one day but didn’t actively want them and didn’t really enjoy spending time with friends children or my sister’s son. But I still wanted to have children and experience that whole side of life. I’d say most of my friends were similar. I couldn’t imagine not wanting to experience becoming and being a mother, not because I adored children but because it seemed a huge thing to skip in life. I had dc1 at 32 and dc2 a few years later, and while I still don’t worship my dc the way some parents seem to i do love them in a way that is beyond any other love and it has been such a fantastic, crazy ride being a mum. I miss my old life a lot but love my new life too (well, not so new now). Sure I have days when I know I’d be happier if I didn’t have to look after a child or plan around them that day, but I’ll never regret making the choice to have them. I think you’ll be fine!

I feel the same. I spent my late 20s expecting “the urge” to kick in at any moment.

It never has, but we couldn’t envisage our future without children, so decided to go for it.

I’m still pregnant so can’t tell you how it’s going to turn out - but it’s the right decision for us.

I think you're getting wrapped up in the fictional trope of the maternal woman who gushes over babies and is desperate to have that little bundle in her arms.

I and many other women never felt like that. I wanted children because I wanted to have a family, not because I wanted a baby to cuddle. I didn't feel maternal until I was actually pregnant. At which time I felt bonded and protective of the baby inside me.

I do now gush over my own children and love cuddles and nappies and feeding and all the other boring bits that come with baby care. But I still don't like other people's kids and have no desire to cuddle other people's babies.

My mother was not maternal. She didn't like her own children never mind anyone else's. She thought she was a good mother though. She wasn't. Self praise is no recommendation!

"I love my children". She said this too, quite often actually. Not to us but to other people. My mother's idea of love wasn't good enough.

Why do you feel you will make great parents OP?

I've never been really interested in other peoples kids, I get really bored having to play with or talk to them!

I love my own to bits though and I think I'm a good mum to them. I think liking children in general is different to being maternal.

I personally wouldn't recommend having children unless you have a strong overwhelming, unignorable urge to have them.

I adore DD but have no interest in other people's children. I think that's pretty normal!