To want kids but not feel maternal?

[BadlyDrawnSimpsonsCharacter]

Just that really. I don't currently have children but they are in mine and DH's plans (within the next couple of years). We both want them, and we'd be good, loving parents.

Problem is...I don't feel maternal. I have never felt "the urge" to have children.

Is this normal? Or AIBU for wanting a baby when I feel like this?

I am 30 by the way, if that is relevant.

I felt like this before having my child too, still not a massive fan of other people's children, but I could not love my little one more!

I would not describe myself as remotely maternal before I had children. Until I had my first, (at 39!) I had never even held a baby
We didn't start late due to health/cash/career either. DH and I got together when we were 24, and just enjoyed our lives. We weren't really having conversations about having/not having kids, we just got to a point where it was now or never, and If I'm honest, I was worried I would come to regret remaining childless for life.

I never had the huge urge for a baby that some seem to have. But that all changed when they were born. I love them both so much. I would do anything for them. I would give my life for them - it's not even a dilemma.
The thought that we could so easily have carried on as just a couple, and missed out on all the joy, affection (and occasional frustration) that they bring is terrifying.

Still not that fussed about other people's kids though

Never felt maternal but knew by 35 I wanted children. Adore my 2 but still not keen on most others. I never really felt broody either.

I was broody as hell. My ovaries threatened to combust if I did not 'Make Baby Now!' That did not make me a better or more loving parent than my friends who took a more pragmatic approach to having babies, my 'less maternal' friends. It's been 19 years since that journey started.
OP, motherhood is a learned process. And actually, I didn't know jack about parenting until I had my first DC. Even then, it was a steep learning curve but what I loved, above all, was that my world expanded and that life wasn't exclusively about me anymore. It was about this family I'd been a part of creating. There's nothing like it.

I have zero paternal feelings towards other children, I also have zero paternal instinct, parenting doesn’t at all come naturally to me and it has been a huge learning curve. I still have no idea what I’m doing, but I haven’t parented a five year old before, we’re all making it up really.

My son to me is the most wonderful little boy, and I absolutely love being his Dad and being able to care for him and raise him, even when he has been a swine. However, if I didn’t feel that way parenting him would have been a disaster for me, but more importantly it would have been a disaster for him.

It isn’t about being the worlds best parent, its about being good enough, my parents were not good enough, my sons BPs were not good enough. Not being selfish and putting myself and my needs first was really really hard in the first year.

I still have absolutely no interest in other peoples children, including children of the people I love, I’m of course nice to them, able to care for them etc. Puppys and kittens however.

@blindinglyobviouslight

I personally wouldn't recommend having children unless you have a strong overwhelming, unignorable urge to have them.

I don't agree that you need to have a urge to have children, I think you need to want to have and raise a family. That's what I wanted, I didn't have maternal urges exactly!

Strangely, I've become far more gooey about babies and toddlers now I'm 46 and in perimenopause. It's funny because it's so clearly my unsettled hormones and I never experienced this when I was younger.
My hormones are out of luck, though, as DH has had a vasectomy.

As others have said it depends on what you mean by being maternal. I have no interest in children as a whole. I probably couldn't have articulated why I wanted children just before I had them but I did. I really did. However I was worried about all of the things you say as well.

I still wouldn't say you would look at me and think mum.

Having said that having DC was the best thing I have ever done. It's also the hardest ,most frustrating most terrifying thing I have ever done and completely and utterly worth it. Which is not to say I don't have days where I dream of being able to have a conversation without interruption or drink tea ...hot.

There are days which are beyond hard and exhausting and there are days of exhilaration and a love that I had no concept could possibly exist.

I suspect it was good for me I didn't think too hard about the downsides because I would have not had DC if I knew how hard it would be. And I would have missed out on the , for me , the most amazing experience in the world.

That maternal urge isn't about looking forward to playgroup and school runs and getting excited about buggies (I was not very good at any of that) , my DC and I are happy and they know they are loved beyond measure. I don't have to go gooey over other peoples DC anymore than o expect them to go gooey over mine. As long as I go gooey over mine . Which I do , and then an hour later I'm quietly hiding in the bathroom to prevent myself screaming that if I have to hear Thomas's whistling again I will cry) then half an hour later we are building a spaceship which is cool.

Maternal doesnt have to be traditional.

I wasn’t particularly maternal before I got married, unlike my DSis, who always wanted nothing more than lots of kids (she wanted six and ended up with four, one DSS for whom she was the main carer for several years, two bio DC and one adopted DS).

I always knew I wanted a family one day, but I wasn’t broody until I actually got married and then couldn’t conceive, whereupon I was desperate to conceive! We adopted in the end. I didn’t mind the hard work involved (though I hated potty training with a passion! ).

I love my DDs and always have, but I enjoy it more now they’re 11 and 8 and the seemingly endless drudgery is over. So it’s possible to love your DC without being particularly ‘maternal’/‘broody’. Because they’re people in their own right who you love regardless of whether you feel ‘maternal’ feelings towards them. (And parenthood is a hard slog, so expecting to feel the love all the time is unrealistic anyway, mostly you’ll feel exhausted, stressed and worried for them, especially the way things are now.)

Only you can work out whether you really want DC, OP. But it shouldn’t be on the basis of whether you feel maternal or not. If anything, it’s better to go into parenthood knowing it’s going to be tough but that it really is what you want.

@ittooshallpass

I adore DD but have no interest in other people's children. I think that's pretty normal!

I think it's normal not to feel "maternal" until your hormones kick in. A bit like trying to find out what cake tastes like before actually tasting it.