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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to DD's teacher about this little boy?

71 replies

FortunesFave · 30/10/2020 22:13

DD is 12 so I suppose hes not that little...but anyway. He lives on the same street as we do and since we're in a country town in Oz, they both attend the same small school and have been in the same class together since 7.

His Mum has always kept herself to herself...she kept callling to my house with her son when the kids were smaller and we did have a few playdates with them but I was never keen as she seemed a bit odd somehow.

Last week, she was in a car crash and a friend of mine was first on the scene...my friend said she was drunk and the police were called. She was taken to hospital for the night.

My friend works in a local shop and says this woman is always turning up drunk during the day.

I asked DD about the little boy and she said "Nobody likes him...he plays with the kids two years below us"

Naturally I was upset at the thought of this and have been worrying about him. He is an only child and I know his Mum has no family at all....she's not social and is withdrawn in general.

Should I speak to the teacher....not about his Mum's drinking but about his welfare? He seems so alone every time I see him...what I don't want to do is to get his Mum in trouble so telling the teacher about his Mums drinking might seem more gossipy than anything...but is he safe? DH says he often walks past their house at 11.00pm and sees her car is gone but the lights are on and the little boy can be seen sitting on the verandah like he's waiting for his Mum. :(

OP posts:
CC12939 · 30/10/2020 22:17

I would tell a teacher or social services. Poor boy didn't ask for that life and to be up at 11pm waiting... thats a bit sad

Mollyboom · 30/10/2020 22:18

Yes speak to the teacher.

TidyOmlette · 30/10/2020 22:18

Why don’t you talk to her and try and be a friend? You say you were upset at the thought of him having no friends yet you stayed away from her because she seemed a bit odd, it’s the same situation just an age difference.

The school won’t tell you anything but it wouldn’t hurt to tell them what you know for his own safety

justanotherneighinparadise · 30/10/2020 22:19

I would have a word too. All of that sounds awful 😔

Original poster
FortunesFave · 30/10/2020 22:19

Oh dear I was hoping that you'd say "Keep out of it" or something....I hate this sort of thing because I feel like I'm telling tales but you're right....drinking and walking about drunk in the day is terrible and of course driving like that is disgusting.

I almost called round there the other day to check on her but you know...I just couldn't do it for some reason and now I feel a bit shit for not offering help.

OP posts:
grassisjeweled · 30/10/2020 22:20

Yes, in this situation I'd get involved

Original poster
FortunesFave · 30/10/2020 22:21

Tidy I did try to be her friend but she just made me uncomfortable....and I'm sorry but I don't have to be her friend...a good neighbour maybe but I don't owe her friendship. Also....why would I want the school to "tell me" anything? Confused

OP posts:
AmyandPhilipfan · 30/10/2020 22:22

Your husband regularly sees him locked out of his house at 11pm and does nothing? Why hasn’t he asked if he’s ok and where his mum is?

LeroyJenkinssss · 30/10/2020 22:22

Why don’t you want to ‘get her in trouble’? I don’t understand why that’s on your radar at all compared to what sounds like a rather horrid life for the boy [if true]. Speak to the teacher absolutely but she doesn’t need protecting - her son does! Would your DD be at amenable to extending an olive branch to the kid? Even just a ‘hello how are you’ kind of thing.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 30/10/2020 22:26

Amy he's not locked out and I never said he was. He sits on the veranda with the door open...you can see into the hallway.

Leroy I suppose it's....worrying that i will sound nosey. Like what do I say? "I'm worried about Tommy, his mum's drunk all the time?"

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 30/10/2020 22:48

Do you know who looked after the boy whilst she was in hospital? Is she still in hospital?

D4rwin · 30/10/2020 22:55

Just that you've seen him up waiting late at night; you're concerned the mum is not coping well or has little apparent support; that she was recently in a car crash; you are concerned for the boy but absolutely cannot go wading in to someone else's life. A teacher has a certain duty of care that you don't so it's ok.to raise a concern like this. Possibly ideal as the teacher isn't likely to react unpredictably or defensively

Girlzroolz · 30/10/2020 22:56

You could say ‘I’m hoping you could advise me what the best steps are for concerns about the welfare and home situation of another student here. Is there a person or a process I can access to perhaps alert the right agency to help him?’

I can’t see how a request like that is going to be seen as ‘gossipy’. You might have to insist though, if they try to fob you off. I would.

Understandingnotignorance · 30/10/2020 23:17

I would definitely speak to the school, they will act and liaise with agencies needed. Protecting children is something everyone is responsible for and you speaking to the school is doing your part.

NetflixWatcher · 30/10/2020 23:20

Report her and tell them everything. That poor child.

NetflixWatcher · 30/10/2020 23:21

Why would you protect a neglectful mother OP. That is not ok.

Ilikethedaffodils · 30/10/2020 23:33

We had next door neighbours with a 9 year old who went to the same school as my children. I was very concerned about him, and twice went to see the headteacher at school and passed on information about specific incidents that had occurred. Social Services were already working with the family, and the headteacher put me in touch with the family's social worker. She said the information I gave her was useful, and made the point that no matter how many daytime visits she made, she was never going to know what was kicking off at 10 o'clock at night. For me going to the headteacher with my concerns was absolutely the right thing to do.

Justajot · 30/10/2020 23:41

If it is anything like England then you report a concern and then will never know what has happened with that concern (rightly, for confidentiality reasons). In the couple of times I have raised stuff, I have had an acknowledgement of my message and that's it. So you don't need to think about having reported it after that, unless you have a new or further concern.

Your information may be the last straw that prompts an action, or it may be added to a file of incidents and reports that are building to a bigger picture, or it may be (unlikely from what you've said) a one-off.

But you do report, because you don't want to be one of the 5 people who turned a blind eye and then the kid dies in a drink-driving crash.

TidyOmlette · 30/10/2020 23:41

OP regardless of what word you use - friend or neighbour it doesn’t hurt to be kind and offer support. What I mean is the school won’t tell you if they already know about it or if social services are already involved.

It sounds like everybody is happy to gossip about her but nobody so far has done anything to make sure the child is safe.

Happymum12345 · 30/10/2020 23:42

I would be concerned enough to go straight to social services as well as the school.

Storyoftonight · 31/10/2020 18:53

OP, I can see where you're coming from. Poor boy.

RE PPs saying how does it sound gossipy - it does. 'my friend saw her drunk after a car crash and drunk in the shop and DH saw him on the veranda with the car gone '.

Not sure school is the first step.

Aughrim18 · 31/10/2020 18:59

Ring the school and ask to speak to the school - explain it is a safe guarding issue. They will refer you to safe guarding lead or head teacher.
They are trained to know exactly what to do
The family needs help and the little boy can't ask for help so some one has to help.

TerrifiedandWorried · 31/10/2020 19:00

Email headteacher. Say you have seen him on the doorstep late at night and that you are concerned about him. Chances are you will get an email back saying that they already know and it is in hand.

Aughrim18 · 31/10/2020 19:02

It is really hard but you should really ring social services.

GenevaL · 31/10/2020 19:05

Yes. You could help protect this boy from harm. It’s not interfering or nosiness - it’s you being caring and wanting to make sure he’s okay. I speak as an adult who was once a child in his position. He won’t know what to do, but you do.