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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to DD's teacher about this little boy?

71 replies

FortunesFave · 30/10/2020 22:13

DD is 12 so I suppose hes not that little...but anyway. He lives on the same street as we do and since we're in a country town in Oz, they both attend the same small school and have been in the same class together since 7.

His Mum has always kept herself to herself...she kept callling to my house with her son when the kids were smaller and we did have a few playdates with them but I was never keen as she seemed a bit odd somehow.

Last week, she was in a car crash and a friend of mine was first on the scene...my friend said she was drunk and the police were called. She was taken to hospital for the night.

My friend works in a local shop and says this woman is always turning up drunk during the day.

I asked DD about the little boy and she said "Nobody likes him...he plays with the kids two years below us"

Naturally I was upset at the thought of this and have been worrying about him. He is an only child and I know his Mum has no family at all....she's not social and is withdrawn in general.

Should I speak to the teacher....not about his Mum's drinking but about his welfare? He seems so alone every time I see him...what I don't want to do is to get his Mum in trouble so telling the teacher about his Mums drinking might seem more gossipy than anything...but is he safe? DH says he often walks past their house at 11.00pm and sees her car is gone but the lights are on and the little boy can be seen sitting on the verandah like he's waiting for his Mum. :(

OP posts:
Blueberries0112 · 31/10/2020 19:20

You don't have to be this woman's friend but you can be a friend to her son. Ask him if he like to come over

Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:14

Blueberries Why on earth would I do that? DD is not his friend and wouldn;t thank me for it. They're 12 not 5. Also, bit inappropriate for an adult to invite a child over. That's something kids organise themselves!

OP posts:
sleepyhead1980 · 31/10/2020 22:21

Poor little boy, my heart is breaking for him. Please talk to the school

waitforitwaitforit · 31/10/2020 22:25

@FortunesFave

Amy he's not locked out and I never said he was. He sits on the veranda with the door open...you can see into the hallway.

Leroy I suppose it's....worrying that i will sound nosey. Like what do I say? "I'm worried about Tommy, his mum's drunk all the time?"

I think that is literally what you should say. Your contact could be the final piece of the puzzle, or the final piece of evidence that will then allow them to step in.

Blueberries0112 · 31/10/2020 22:46

You are neighbors, I used to go to my neighbors sometimes
Rather they have kids or not. But I played with older and younger kids in my neighborhood too.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 31/10/2020 22:53

Blueberries when was that? Are you a parent? That is not the norm now. Not at all.

OP posts:
MustBeTheWine · 31/10/2020 22:57

If you feel more comfortable speaking to the school rather than speaking to SS directly then please do so. The school should have protocols in places for safeguarding children and they might have noticed concerning behaviours themselves.

bleedinlora · 31/10/2020 22:59

@FortunesFave yes, tell the teacher. She will (should) pass it straight on to the school's Designated Safeguarding Lead who will make sure it is dealt with properly. Don't approach the mother about this yourself. Do encourage your daughter to be kind to the boy.

SomeoneTellBorisHeHasDandruff · 31/10/2020 23:00

As others have said you have a duty to protect the boy as you know he is unsafe. Anything could happen to him, especially as he is on his own late at night, he is extremely vulnerable and needs looking after.
Report to social services and the school ASAP.

Plus the Mother is drink driving, she could kill someone, not only herself and her son but also innocent road users. She needs help and he needs to grow up in a safe environment. He has suffered so much already. Don’t let this continue.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2020 23:02

How many times has your husband seen a 12 yo kid sitting outside at 11 pm, suspecting he's home alone and ignore it? Honestly I don't get that.

Yes, please tell school

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 31/10/2020 23:06

I’m in Scotland so things may be different.

I’d report it to the school as a safeguarding concern and they would absolutely have to act on it within their processes.

Ilovecheese53 · 31/10/2020 23:09

@AmyandPhilipfan

Your husband regularly sees him locked out of his house at 11pm and does nothing? Why hasn’t he asked if he’s ok and where his mum is?
This. Did he not knock on the door to see if it was the child alone at home OP?
Sweettea1 · 31/10/2020 23:19

I would think if she's been in an accident involving drink driving an the police then they will inform social services they have to for duty of care. Maybe you could contact mother an see if there's any help/support she needs.

PeonyandDahlia · 31/10/2020 23:25

You should tell your concerns to social services. Then you can feel them what you know/saw. Otherwise school will be telling social services, "Another mum said that, she saw/heard that...". Social services might need to ask you questions so you should ring them yourself.
School may well be aware of the child and in contact with social services already but if you have some extra info it would help if you were the one to ring.

Zimbomama · 31/10/2020 23:28

Would definitely speak to the class teacher and it would come under mandatory reporting for him/her. DHSS may well follow up with you for either more information or to let you know the situation is resolved. In Australia there is an acknowledgement by DHSS (SS) that the situation is being attended to.

user1473878824 · 31/10/2020 23:32

@TidyOmlette

Why don’t you talk to her and try and be a friend? You say you were upset at the thought of him having no friends yet you stayed away from her because she seemed a bit odd, it’s the same situation just an age difference.

The school won’t tell you anything but it wouldn’t hurt to tell them what you know for his own safety

You want OP to go up to basically a stranger with a drinking problem and try and sort it out for them? Come on.
VestaTilley · 31/10/2020 23:32

I’d be telling the teacher and reporting to your equivalent of social services. This poor boy is being neglected, will be at high risk and isn’t being looked after.

Please do intervene and speak out.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 31/10/2020 23:33

You were probably uncomfortable because she is an alcoholic and was hiding it. This has happened to me before and once it was all out in the open I was so much more comfortable around the person.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/10/2020 23:37

To me it sounds like this boy is really upset by his mums actions. He’s sitting outside at 11pm waiting for her to come home. Imagine how traumatic that must be for him, alone, waiting and wondering. You have the power to do something about that. I’d speak to the principal not the class teacher.

CrotchBurn · 31/10/2020 23:37

I cant believe you and your husband have been sp slow off the mark. Do something

SleepingStandingUp · 01/11/2020 01:06

@Rainbowqueeen

To me it sounds like this boy is really upset by his mums actions. He’s sitting outside at 11pm waiting for her to come home. Imagine how traumatic that must be for him, alone, waiting and wondering. You have the power to do something about that. I’d speak to the principal not the class teacher.
And possibly hoping that someone, anyone will SEE him and intervene.
Casschops · 01/11/2020 01:27

I wouldn't be speaking with the teacher as any social services report would only be taken seriously coming from you first hand. You could share your concerns so that the teacher is aware but you need to contact social services.

justilou1 · 01/11/2020 03:23

I’m in Australia and teacher has a legal duty of care to ensure that this boy is safe. If he is sitting outside his house that is visibly unlocked that late at night (when mum is possibly in hospital/possibly not there/possibly drunk) they are obliged to contact DOCS and investigate. He is a sitting duck for predators. Unfortunately, DOCS are so very stretched, that if he is being fed, and has a roof over his head, unless you specifically state that you believe he is being sexually abused (and provide reasons - which you won’t) he will be very low priority. Investigation may or may not happen - and if it does, it will probably be cursory and many months later.

switswooo · 01/11/2020 04:34

OP, I do agree that you should report this and it’s not yours or your DD’s job to be friends with anyone, but the thought of that mum and child coming over for play dates and not really being welcome anymore and not having any family or friends is so sad. I can’t imagine the isolation the boy must feel. Anyway, it’s not your fault and hopefully reporting will get them some help.

I wonder why he is not liked? Is his clothing clean/hair etc clean?

Caeruleanblue · 01/11/2020 04:48

I think the attitude to the dangers of drink driving are less strict in Australia. I think the police would be on to it in the U.K. quite quickly. Not sure what they do, maybe go to the house to speak to her and log her number plate.

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