My ExH is a dick, I need an alibi

[TravellingSpoon]

so that when I go over and smother him the police wont think its me.

Its his birthday today, DD chose a nice jumper for him, gave it to him on Monday when she saw him and he opened it today as he is spending today with his GF.

DD got a message this evening which simply read 'thanks for the jumper, do you have a receipt?'.

DD is crushed and he is such an arse. He has a history of wanky behaviour since our split just over a year ago, and they have only just started spending time together again as he didn't see them from Christmas to the beginning of August.

TWATWAFFLE.

He is an arse I'm so sorry for your dd

I wouldn't worry though as I pointed out to my DP earlier , we are tried by a jury of our peers , which given my personality is a jury of MNers and not only would we not convict, we would give you a medal.

Honestly though why are these type of men such arses

I’ll happily provide an alibi.

Offer to return the jumper for him. Take the money and buy something nice for DD instead.

Roald Dhal, ‘tales of the unexpected ‘ I do believe a leg of lamb provided a perfect alibi. I wonder why that tale has stuck so firmly in my mind 🤷‍♀️

Oh come on, wrong size? No no, if it was a genuine sizing error, the DD should have got a big “thank you I love it message” and OP should have got a polite “the jumper doesn’t quite fit - do you have the receipt so I can swap it?”. He’s a dick - a child gave him that. Even if he hated it, you pretend. He’s being a twat. Even most children know to pretend to love a gift they hate and thank the giver even if it’s exchanged later or never used.

OP, one simple line in the message: No.

Your poor DD. Hard line to tread - I know children will often pine for the attention of the abandoning parent and squash down the faults. I say minimise the amount spent at Christmas, if you spend anything. Let her ask you if she wants to buy anything for him, don’t suggest it. And maybe go out for a treat with her.

And yes, you were at mine, carving pumpkins unsuccessfully, hence the blood.

DH was given a "Daddy Shark" jumper for his birthday this year. Chosen with love and enthusiasm by DS and gentle malice by me. He grimaced but has made an effort to wear it a number of times since.

She should say: 'Yeah, I'm keeping all the receipts - of what a crap father you are.'

Actually, my father was absolutely terrible about gifts. At Xmas he would offer the presents we gave him to other people as soon as he unwrapped them: 'Who wants this?'

You'll probably just have to have that 'Some people don't know how to behave talk' with your daughter (you probably already have) so she knows it's his failing and not hers.

And very happy you've got such so many sound alibis:-)

Reply with "no receipt. Found it in a skip".

@loutypips

Reply with "no receipt. Found it in a skip".

This!

And also start researching “jumper related accidental deaths”. I’m sure there must be one or two per year.

@NancyPickford

You were here in my cottage in the west coast of Scotland, watching the full moon and drinking single malt whisky. We watched lots of Netflix too.

Can I come?

Not to help with the alibi, but because that sounds idyllic.

Why are you buying your ex presents at all? Does he buy you gifts?

If it’s just to appease the dc a bar of. Horrible chocolate would do

Don’t you need to drive down and drop off that (suspiciously) large roll of carpet to me tomorrow?

Unrelated, I’m having my driveway laid tomorrow.

I have 200 acres of woodland directly behind my house. There have been big cats sightings in it.
If you need to 'dispose' of 'anything'.

We’ve been together drinking wine all night

Also your reply “oh is it too small - I did notice you’ve put a bit of weight on”.

I will be having access to a digger over the coming weeks. I'm not too fussed about some 'impurities' in the cement...

You're in the West Midlands helping me with some charity work.

Not really we're getting pissed on Prosecco and throwing darts at a picture of the prick your ex

You're here with me In Scotland watching the last leg and getting pissed on tango and rum (trust me gorgeous drink!)

Meanwhile my brother is dealing with your ex (6'2" brick shit house of a cop who "doesn't take prisoners when it comes to deadbeat dads having been a Lone parent himself)

I got your back op 

Don’t get mad, get even! yep!

Hope the receipt gives him a brutal paper cut that someone pours salt into

I'd do the strangers on a train thing but death is too forgiving for them. Let them live knowing they are a CONSTANT disappointment to their kids and will likely die alone!

Ooh @NancyPickford can I come? Where are you? Single malt you say? I'm not far I'm sure I could jump in a cab (though I may need help locating the door)

So glad you are here at my house in Somerset for the entire weekend. It was really good that you arrived at 9am today, and you will be here until Sunday night.

That’s so shit of him. I hope DD will be okay.

How hard is it to just leave it at thank you?

My niece who was 4 at the time insisted her mum bought my newish partner a frozen jumper decal with his name written with images of Elsa My sister took great glee in ironing it onto a lovely turquoise sweatshirt for him. He thanked her profusely and one day met us for Sunday lunch at my mums in it. Her face was totally priceless. She KNEW he’d love it.

sooqpuas graphista and of course the OP can all come. Bring crisps. I’m in Argyll on the banks of a loch.

Tell him it's the shop's policy to refund to card used for purchase so you will return and spend the money on a treat for you & DD

TravellingSpoon send him a text saying you hope his next shit is a hedgehog.

Ooh Me too!

you hope his next shit is a hedgehog. 😂😂😂

I do need a patio, so if you're willing to help build it happy to have interesting foundations... I'd quite like to use my ex but I do need the very occasional money he pays towards his children... Maybe one day

Ps do what @SadderThanEeyore suggested I reckon, just get him to give you the jumper first!