My ExH is a dick, I need an alibi

[TravellingSpoon]

so that when I go over and smother him the police wont think its me.

Its his birthday today, DD chose a nice jumper for him, gave it to him on Monday when she saw him and he opened it today as he is spending today with his GF.

DD got a message this evening which simply read 'thanks for the jumper, do you have a receipt?'.

DD is crushed and he is such an arse. He has a history of wanky behaviour since our split just over a year ago, and they have only just started spending time together again as he didn't see them from Christmas to the beginning of August.

TWATWAFFLE.

He's a twat.
Your poor dd. Definitely no Christmas presents at your expense and I will certainly give you an alibi.

I will be your alibi.

And help you dig out the patio.

Poor DD.

you can give him the receipt for christmas.... wrap it up all nice etc

Get him a Lynx set next time. He deserves nothing more, the tosser.

If you do get a lynx set, puncture it carefully at the seam with a needle. Enough to just cause a minor leak that won't be noticed until Christmas (at which point, the carpet may need cleaning).

Lose the receipt.

Passive aggressive gift for Christmas?

He's not worthy of a lynx set.

@AnotherVice

Playing devil's advocate, any chance it's the wrong size?

I think thats a little generous really.

Surely if it was the wrong size, he would just say that and ask if it could be exchanged. Instead of asking for the reciept outright.

Sounds like a pure ungrateful wanker OP. I feel for your DD. Maybe she should stick to socks in future, instead of putting thought into his gifts?

Your poor dd! Tell him to return it to you and you'll sort it then get a refund and treat your DD instead.

I have a patio and a shovel. You are welcome to use both.

That was mean. But maybe it just doesn't fit. Wasn't a very kind message to a child though.,

You did it, smothered him with the ruddy jumper, stuffed the receipt up his ar... nose and are proud of it. No jury would convict you knowing that text he sent

He is an arsehole of the highest order. Definitely offer to switch for him, and treat you and your lovely daughter instead.

And you’ve been with me all evening, we had wine and played monopoly and you know how that can drag on for hours.

You’re well rid of him.

Maybe he was trying to avoid years of jumpers he doesn't like? He should have spoke to you though, not an 11 year old.

@ThistleWitch

you can give him the receipt for christmas.... wrap it up all nice etc

This is inspired

Oh please get him (dodgy) diving gear instead of the jumper . What an arse.

"If you want to know how much DD spent on you just look online instead of fishing to see how much she thought you were worth you mercenary prick"

No court in the land would convict you Spoon

Soak the receipt in a tincture of wolfsbane, then very carefully without touching put in envelope and post to him. I think that was an Agatha Christie episode or a book I read once. Evil cackle....

www.theguardian.com/books/2015/sep/05/agatha-christies-poisons-crime-fiction

Big thicko ex not an ounce of cop on has he, your poor daughter, for Christmas buy something in the charity shop for him at least the money you spend will go to a good cause and not cost too much.

Just say to your daughter that when brains were being given out he was last in line and very little was left for him.

Give her lots of cuddles and treats next few days.

Ask him for it back so you can return it “as they’ll need your card to refund” then spend the money on dd! Twat

He might just want to change the size ?

You're helping me lay flags.

Oh she must be heartbroken

Please text back “too small? DD does see you with rose tinted glasses you fat headed twat”

@slipperywhensparticus

I’m 48. I would be gutted if my dad sent me a text like that now! What a total wanker! Even if he has a reason to need the receipt he surely should have recognised that he needed to give some context??!