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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How the hell do you choose - funeral

73 replies

loutypips · 30/10/2020 10:42

My mum passed away unexpectedly last week and now, as we are in a tier 2 area we can only have 30 people and no celebration afterwards.

So many people want to come to the funeral but obviously they can't. How fucking terrible funeral by invitation. But how can I word it so, a: people let us know ASAP whether they are coming and b: not to offend partners that can't come due to numbers.

OP posts:
Original poster
loutypips · 30/10/2020 10:44

Posted too soon!

I know there will be some people that will take offence- but I really need to be brutal on who is coming. What can I say to them? (Apart from tough shit, my mum is dead, get over it).

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 30/10/2020 10:49

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.

I'd say something like 'as I'm sure you will understand, as only 30 people are allowed to attend the service for mum, we have had to make hard decisions on who she would have wanted there the most. So that as many people as possible are able to be present, if you are not able to attend, please let us know as soon as possible (and in these uncertain times, we know that it will not be possible for everyone). I'm sure you appreciate that it has been very difficult to make these decisions, and in no way reflect the huge amount of love and respect from everyone for mum

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/10/2020 10:49

Oh thats rubbish Im sorry Flowers

Dear x
Thank you for your card/condolences. Unfortunately due to corona restrictions we are unable to invite anyone other than (close) family to DMs funeral. Thank you for your understanding during this difficult time.

You could add: we hope to hold a memorial service/gathering at some point in the future when restrictions have been lifted. We are looking forward to seeing you then.

abeautifulmess1234 · 30/10/2020 10:50

So sorry to hear your loss. I'm not sure if this would help but I have a friend who was able to set up a zoom meeting for everyone who couldn't be there in person at her mum's funeral 💐

NoSquirrels · 30/10/2020 10:55

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is super shitty in these times to plan a funeral. Flowers

You know who needs to be there. That’s what matters - not what other people want. Have you discussed a funeral live feed or recording?

I’d say - wherever is best for grabbing as many as possible e.g. FB “As you know, restrictions mean only 30 people are allowed to attend the funeral. We are finding this so difficult, as you can imagine, as we know there are so many people who want to attend to say farewell to Mum. We will be giving invites as soon as possible - if you cannot attend, please let us know as soon as you can so that we can offer a place to someone else. We understand with restrictions it may be hard for people to attend and that is OK too. Thank you for understanding.”

Mrsjayy · 30/10/2020 10:58

Im sorry about your mum I think I would make it family any siblings she had a few close friends only so you don't have to go to 30. What had been happening in our village is the herse is passing if people want to pay respects. Tbh if people are offended then that is on them not you.

NoSquirrels · 30/10/2020 10:59

Then for those that complain and are offended at no invite, or who want to bring a partner, just hold the line.

“I’m so sorry that this is so difficult but we are restricted on numbers. If we do have a place we can let you know.”

TheFuckingDogs · 30/10/2020 11:03

So sorry for your loss. What sort of “make up” is your family? I was just thinking of my grans funeral a few years ago. . Huge family, as a grandchild I definitely in this situation would’ve put my hand up to “sit it out” so other older relatives could go. Is this a possibility to ask the younger generation etc about? Sorry if this doesn’t apply here just an idea x

Crunchymum · 30/10/2020 11:06

We had mums funeral a few weeks ago.

Thankfully she wanted a very small and low key cremation, we didn't make the 30 people. We did advise a lot of people to come and see her off (as opposed to attending service) if they wished. Probably a good 50+ did that and were able to socially distance etc. Obviously only works if people are local to you!!

What we found really hard was having no commemoration afterwards. My mum wasn't one for funerals and fuss but she'd have wanted us close family to get together after to raise a glass and spend some time together. So we broke current rules and did exactly that (in one of my siblings gardens, approx 15 of us)

People won't be offended in this times if they cannot attend. There is also an option for streaming the service, wasn't first us but is a possibility?

Sorry for your loss Flowers

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/10/2020 11:06

You could see whether there was the option of others to stand outside. That's what happened at a funeral I attended at a Crematorium - 30 allowed inside, but others were allowed to line the route through the grounds and stand in silent respect during the service.

Crunchymum · 30/10/2020 11:07
  • excuse typos.

People won't be offended in these times

Wasn't for us

nosswith · 30/10/2020 11:09

I hope I am never in the OPs position and sorry to read of your loss.

It would be family first or perhaps only family if I had to choose. Lining the route may be a way others can be invited to show their respects and remember the deceased. Another is a donation to a charity they supported.

Brighterthansunflowers · 30/10/2020 11:12

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

Can the funeral be live streamed? I’ve “been to” a couple of live streamed funerals this year. It’s obviously not the same as being there, but is better than nothing, especially for people who can’t travel or are vulnerable or having to self isolate.

Chasingsquirrels · 30/10/2020 11:15

Some other posters have made some good suggestions.

I'm sorry for your loss, look after yourself as well 💐

SquigglePigs · 30/10/2020 11:15

So sorry for your loss OP. You just have to be honest that you have no control over numbers so difficult decisions need to be made. Most people will understand, and if they don't and make a fuss then that says a lot about them!

My Grandma died during lockdown and only 10 people could go to the funeral due to the size of the crematorium. They did do a live streaming though so I "attended" from home. Obviously it's not the same as being there but it did help, and to be honest I was sort of dreading going and not being able to hug my Dad or anyone else so it kinda helped in that sense.

Would you be able to stream the service so that people could "attend" remotely? Might make people more willing to volunteer to step aside and make it easier on you. Particularly people who would have to travel and would prefer not to.

Aurorie11 · 30/10/2020 11:18

My Mum died in April and her funeral was in May, and we were limited to 10, if it hadn't been for Covid I think there would have been around 100 there.
We just explained numbers were tight, so had to limit who could come, four of her nieces and nephews came without their partners into the crematorium and partners stood outside. A small number less than 10 were in the crematorium grounds; and we sent lots of copies of the order of service to people.
People understood and no-one got huffy.
Flowers sorry for your loss x

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 30/10/2020 11:20

Live stream it - the funeral home should organise it. People can then watch online if they want. You could also just have immediate family and then give a proper send off after all this is over.

DaddysGirlForLife · 30/10/2020 11:20

I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers

Lipz · 30/10/2020 11:21

Sorry for your loss.

We've had quite a few funerals here and at the time we were allowed 10 people. So we chose immediate family or those closest. It was very difficult to choose, there were some funerals I couldn't attend myself as there was so many family members. What most did, was to have 10 in the church and others stood in the church grounds and the priest turned on the speakers outside, some priests live streamed it too.

There was no wake after for any of them. Everyone is going to arrange something next year hopefully.

The funerals are strange as you can't hug anyone, you can't sit beside anyone, it's very lonely tbh sitting alone.

The graveside was different at all of them, one the priest stood alone at the grave side and the mourners stood well back all 2m apart, alot of priests only allowed 10 at the grave, others allowed more, once they stood right back into the graveyard . We couldn't touch the coffin or stand near it.

It's a difficult time for you as it is, I do feel for you. So many in similar situation. I think there'll be lots of celebrations of life next year for all those who didn't get the send off they deserve.

waltzingparrot · 30/10/2020 11:21

I'd go with words like 'we are so limited and have had to take immediate family first' and temper it with saying you hope they can join you on the live stream and you'll send them sign in details as soon as you have them.

Poppingnostopping · 30/10/2020 11:25

I would keep it to close family and their supporters and everyone else will just to watch online/donate/come to memorial if and when.

I agree with the other poster that funerals aren't very nice (or at least don't perform the same function) in corona times. I attended one of a close relative and found the no hugging, not being able to sit together, the marks on the floor, no opportunity to socialize afterwards so awful, I kind of wished I hadn't gone. It certainly wasn't the 'celebration of life' that my relative would have wanted, with fun amidst the tears. It was cold and odd.

Sorry for your loss, I hope you find a way forward, not everyone can participate and hopefully they will realise this.

36weekswithno2 · 30/10/2020 11:29

Dear x
Thank you for your card/condolences. Unfortunately due to corona restrictions we are unable to invite anyone other than (close) family to DMs funeral. Thank you for your understanding during this difficult time.

This. Invite closest family first (assuming they were in contact) then close friends next.

I wouldn't say anything about inviting those who your mum wouldn't have wanted there the most, that could be hard some someone to hear.

I'm sorry for your loss Thanks

flaviaritt · 30/10/2020 11:32

“In normal times, we would have liked to celebrate Mum’s life with everyone who would have liked to be there, but I am sure you will appreciate that that’s not possible given government restrictions. We will need to reach out to those closest to her, and would greatly appreciate it if you could confirm your attendance as soon as possible.”

GirlsBlouse17 · 30/10/2020 11:34

I'm so sorry for your loss OP Flowers how heartbreaking for you, and poor you having to make these difficult decisions. You are in my thoughts and prayers x

Others here have covered the wording well. If you are having difficulty deciding who to invite, my thoughts would be-

  • closest family and relatives
  • friends who she was close to
  • those who live in the same area so don't need to travel from afar and stay in hotels
  • not to invite anyone from tier 3
  • pick names out of a hat if you wanted to just choose randomly

I had my mum's funeral last year and the funeral company had a live video link so those who weren't able to come, could click on the link and watch it live or upto a few weeks later. It only cost £30 .

I hope it all goes okay. I'm so sorry you are going through this Flowers

TheLadyGrayson · 30/10/2020 11:40

You can have a celebration afterwards in a Tier 2 area of up to 15 people, if you are seated in family groups to eat. I know because I went to one last week. I hope this link helps and sorry for your loss www.gov.uk/guidance/local-covid-alert-level-high#weddings-civil-partnerships-religious-services-and-funerals

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