How the hell do you choose - funeral

[loutypips]

My mum passed away unexpectedly last week and now, as we are in a tier 2 area we can only have 30 people and no celebration afterwards.

So many people want to come to the funeral but obviously they can't. How fucking terrible funeral by invitation. But how can I word it so, a: people let us know ASAP whether they are coming and b: not to offend partners that can't come due to numbers.

@loutypips

My mum passed away unexpectedly last week and now, as we are in a tier 2 area we can only have 30 people and no celebration afterwards.

So many people want to come to the funeral but obviously they can't. How fucking terrible funeral by invitation. But how can I word it so, a: people let us know ASAP whether they are coming and b: not to offend partners that can't come due to numbers.

So sorry for your loss.

My DF passed away a month ago and, my DB, who has organised several funerals said this was the hardest one. DF was 90 and had been in a nursing home for years, so didn’t gave any friends or neighbours.

We were only allowed 15 because it was a small chapel. The politics of which immediate family members should attend, as well as those other friends and relatives actually had provided support over the years.

Those who attend have to be invited and give track & trace contact details - something my “D” Sis was particularly arsy about - no need to shoot the messenger.

My DB refused to have a web-cam, but if you are open to this, this may be a great solution.

I've seen several announcements saying "Family (or "private") funeral. Memorial service when restrictions permit."

Or words to that effect.

Heard that some funerals can be live streamed

The OP has to make a list of whom to invite and then rank them, if there are more than 30. It will get brutal towards the bottom of the list.

For everyone that accepts the invitation, they need to provide contact info several days before.

The Funeral Director should be able to advise.

I’m so sorry for your loss

My grandpa died in April with a funeral in May. We were allowed 10 people but only 6 people were invited in the end.

This was to avoid inviting some when we couldn’t invite others and avoid the unfairness of it. So it ended up the most immediate family and friends only.

Perhaps just decide who absolutely has to be there and then stick to that if you can - even if it’s fewer than 30.

I'm sorry for your loss x

I'd suggest setting up a live stream firstly, so everyone can watch even if they can't attend.

With regards to those who can attend, remember that it's a maximum of 30, it doesn't have to be 30. My friend just had her dad, her two uncles, herself, her husband and two daughters, and her two siblings and their partners and children. That was immediate family only.

She could have invited another 14 people but at that point you're choosing between neighbours and friends and whoever else the deceased might have been close to - and that's where problems start.

So I would suggest not even trying to make it up to the 30, but having immediate family only and the rest on live stream.

People really shouldn't pass comment, as it's such a difficult time.

So I would suggest not even trying to make it up to the 30, but having immediate family only and the rest on live stream

I think I would go with this too. I am an only child so it would be me DH and DS, my uncle and his wife and then as many cousins who wanted to come plus a couple of her very close friends. As my mum is in a tier one area I'd ask her friends to go out in groups of six and toast her life.

Hopefully it won't happen. Sorry for your loss

We had this when my DM passed away in June but back then we were limited to 20. We have a large family, there's 9 just daughters/soni laws & Dad. We had to limit it to my DM/D siblings no partners.

I sent a message to everybody saying due to Covid we were limited on numbers and we hoped everybody understood that it was family only and no partners. We streamed the funeral on line for those that couldn't come.

It felt wrong, my mum was a very popular lady and in normal times it would have been filled to the rafters. We didn't get any issues with anybody though.

Condolences on your loss

Sorry to hear this
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be blunt under these circumstances and just say “due to the limited numbers allowed for mums funeral , please could you let me know ASAP if you are able / not able to come .
Sadly have had a 3 funerals lately and all but the first had a link so you could watch the funeral online if you couldn’t go .
Hope it goes as well as can be expected.

They often do a zoom of the service so others can watch that.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think if I were in your sitUstinov, I’d say. “Siblings, children then any other family first” no friends, colleagues, old uni mates, old bridesmaids etc, they can be waiting in the local pub. Socially distanced of course and you can raise a glass to happy memories and good times. But keep the actual ceremony for immediate family. Best not invite anyone from outside the family, that way nobody thinks somebody else is getting preferential treatment. You could consider arranging a memorial and celebration if her life in 6/12/24 months, whenever we can all get together as we used to.

When my mum died in June, I attended the funeral on my own. I sent everyone an email and told them all we would have a party to remember my mum when we would all be able to come together, as it felt wrong to only invite certain people to celebrate her life. I then asked them all to raise a cup of tea to my mum at the time the funeral was on, and think of the happiest time they had with her.

I'm sorry for your loss

situation not situstinov

We had this last month. Funeral was this Monday. I just wrote a polite note, saying that I’m sure you understand due to covid19 restrictions, we are only allowed 15 very close relatives to the funeral. However, you are more than welcome to join the funeral
Via our live streaming account.
Birmingham only allowed 15 people into the cremation.

Those that wanted to see the funeral via the internet were also sent a copy of the full service so they could follow the service. Same with the eulogy. Those that want are being sent a usb copy for their own future viewing.
Not one person complained everyone understood. I think some were a lot happier to join remotely.

My DF died at the peak of the first wave and we were only allowed 10 people at the funeral. We are a big family and Dad had many friends.

Who actually attended was sorted out fairly easily due to the tight restrictions. Anyway we had a really beautiful film made which were were able to share with everyone a few days later. I imagine the film makers usually did weddings but they made an excellent job of it.

I really recommend this above Zoom if possible. We have a lasting memorial. I also found that a small funeral was actually very intimate and lovely. No need to keep making small talk with people I barely knew.

Condolences for your loss. I hope you make it work as well as we did.

Sorry for your loss.

Can you do a livestream/zoom? We attended a funeral in Australia from the UK a couple of weeks ago. We live in weird times, people will be understanding.

Buried both my parents in April/May when the restriction was for 10 people. In fact at one point you weren't allowed any flowers. Nobody was difficult or offended. Some people came to the crematorium and just waited outside the chapel to pay their respects. I found that those who couldn't attend were very generous in giving to the charity we suggested instead of sending flowers. In the end we were able to have family flowers.

I am ambivalent about the videoing/live streaming though. I felt very vulnerable and didn't fancy this being broadcast to some people who I thought probably wouldn't have come to an actual funeral but who wouldn't mind having a nosy, but each to his own.

I felt very vulnerable and didn't fancy this being broadcast to some people who I thought probably wouldn't have come to an actual funeral but who wouldn't mind having a nosy, but each to his own.

This is why my DB was adamantly against streaming.

However, the camera just sees backs of heads, and the link to the funeral is emailed, together with a password.

I think this is one of the Covid improvisations that I would like to see stay.

We are in the same position funeral on 6th in an area potentially going to t3 next week. We sent thank you notes to all who had contacted us with cards etc and just explained with the rules v limited on spaces at Church and Crem. We have been lucky that many cannot travel at all (N Ireland to England) and so we will be well within Numbers etc. We found people v understanding. This is about their safety and safety of their family and a minimal representation is all that is needed. Often elderly people attend so its not fair to bring Children etc exposed to school and by association expose those people to the same risk. Find out your local rules - explain them to folk, look at facebook live streaming of any service and get extra service booklets and prayer cards with photo of deceased and post out after the event - that is how we are handling

We had the streaming code emailed to us from the funeral director. We then had total control over to whom we gave the link too.
The funeral director don’t give the code to anyone nor did the crematorium. In the end only 8 people had the link. Very safe.
I assume other funeral director etc would do the same?

Thank you all.

Just back from the funeral directors. They are going to stream it for those abroad and those who can't attend. So that's a relief.

If things were 'normal' there would be probably a 150 or so people. So 30 seems tiny in comparison. From a very large, close family.

What an awful situation to be in. Never thought this would be the second funeral in 4 months that I would be planning. My Nan died in June and we were planning to have a memorial later in the year when cases suddenly started to rise. Now, in the new year we will have a joint memorial for mum and nan.

And I'm so sorry for all of you that have also lost loved ones. Especially at this time. It's just making everything so much harder and more complicated.

Well fil died we were only allowed 10 but other people came to the crem and stood and watched the coffin go in. From a distance of course. Would some people like to do that as a way of showing respect?

@loutypips

And I'm so sorry for all of you that have also lost loved ones. Especially at this time. It's just making everything so much harder and more complicated.

Thank you, Louty.

I don’t feel sad about my dad’s passing as he was old and had dementia for many years.

What was sad was that the celebration of his life was so limited, with no gathering afterwards.

We all sent in some anecdotes for the celebrant to give the eulogy. I heard so many little stories that were new to me, or that I had forgotten. How I would loved to have picked brains, embellish, etc, with family and friends afterwords.

It just doesn’t feel finished, but I don’t think we will get together again to have the wake that never happened.

I was going to say live stream too. I've only 'been' to one such funeral during Covid, at the time of the strictest lockdown so only the DCs and DGCs physically attended. But DP and I appreciated the opportunity to share in saying goodbye, and the family who were there said that, looking round an almost empty room, it was a comfort to know that others were there in spirit.