How the hell do you choose - funeral

[loutypips]

My mum passed away unexpectedly last week and now, as we are in a tier 2 area we can only have 30 people and no celebration afterwards.

So many people want to come to the funeral but obviously they can't. How fucking terrible funeral by invitation. But how can I word it so, a: people let us know ASAP whether they are coming and b: not to offend partners that can't come due to numbers.

💐

OP, I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s always a terribly thing the death of a parent. Somehow I think worse now

While the maximum is 30 it does not mean you need to start large in numbers and whittle down to 30

Perhaps have immediate family only. And their spouses - who I’m sure would be of great comfort.

Anyone else could get the notification similar to what @StrictlyAFemaleFemale wrote but stats it is immediate family only

This way it is fair. You’ll not be choosing someone over another. People can be so selfish and entitled about things such as this. Keeping it immediate family is very clear.

People will also know that there will be something to memorialise your mother that people can attend when the world is back to “normal”. I’d suggest to include how you mean to let people know about that. Collecting emails may be a better option than Facebook as I’m sure there may be people not on Facebook but mostly everyone has an email address. Less stress on you once you can plan the memorial

Are a lot of people local? When my friend's DH died there were lots of us lining the street as a send off.

@CraftyGin

I felt very vulnerable and didn't fancy this being broadcast to some people who I thought probably wouldn't have come to an actual funeral but who wouldn't mind having a nosy, but each to his own.

This is why my DB was adamantly against streaming.

However, the camera just sees backs of heads, and the link to the funeral is emailed, together with a password.

I think this is one of the Covid improvisations that I would like to see stay.

I think they weren't like this at the beginning - crematoriums and funeral services didn't seem to have got it sorted out yet so someone videoed ours and sent it to people, I just felt it was horribly intrusive. I did see one that was live streamed and you could see people entering and leaving and looking distressed. Still not sure tbh. A friend told me that although she watched the video she wouldn't have liked her own parents' funerals immortalised in that way. But I suppose it is the modern way.

We're in exactly the same position the church has limited us to 15 with 30 at the crem. My DFiL is very frail and would be unable to cope with a wake afterwards, even if it was limited to just 15. My DBiL and his family will be staying with him, which means that in theory none of us can go to the house before or after the funeral, even though we all have a tricky journey to make to get there.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Oh thats rubbish Im sorry

Dear x
Thank you for your card/condolences. Unfortunately due to corona restrictions we are unable to invite anyone other than (close) family to DMs funeral. Thank you for your understanding during this difficult time.

You could add: we hope to hold a memorial service/gathering at some point in the future when restrictions have been lifted. We are looking forward to seeing you then.

I agree with this sort of approach, especially with details of streaming - with one exception.

If there are family members who cannot attend, please don't say 'close family' only. Because that hurts those who would have liked to be closer but couldn't for whatever reason. And if there are friends who would have dearly wanted to attend, it can also hurt as their friendship suddenly counts for nothing.

I'd suggest using something like '...we are not able to invite everybody who knew and loved [name]. However, we hope to hold a joint memorial service for [name] and [name] in the future and would dearly love everybody to join together to celebrate their lives when the restrictions upon gathering sizes have been lifted'

Such a difficult time.
No one will be offended.
We lost our beloved dad and we were only allowed 10.
We are yet to celebrate his life.
But we will

I'm sorry for your loss.
My lovely dad died in April, we were allowed five. Don't worry about offending anyone, everyone is aware of the restrictions and those that matter will only care that you are alright. We are still waiting to plan a celebration of my dad's life, which feels unsettling and has for me made the grieving more difficult.

I'm sorry again.

So sorry for your loss x

Well it looks like the decision has been taken away from us now. Looks like only close family will be allowed now, but will have to wait until Monday for confirmation of how many this will be.

But at least it should stop the messages from people demanding that they have to be there.

@loutypips

Well it looks like the decision has been taken away from us now. Looks like only close family will be allowed now, but will have to wait until Monday for confirmation of how many this will be.

But at least it should stop the messages from people demanding that they have to be there.

On the plus side, it must be wonderful to know that there are so many people fighting to attend. Your mother must have been such a special lady.

Try not to stress over anything that is not under your control.

But at least it should stop the messages from people demanding that they have to be there.

Sounds pretty stressful. I think they need to let you grieve and get on with practicalities. My mil is very close to death, there are 3 children, 2 grandchildren, 3 partners, possibly a sibling. I doubt we’ll have to choose. I’m relieved we don’t have to field hundreds of people, it’s not fair to have to fend them off at a time like this.

I hope you’re ok, take care of yourself.

Don’t let other people’s sensibilities even enter your mind right now.
We had a limit of 20 for my DS2s funeral in July and you’d best believe I wasn’t giving two hoots if BILs GF got upset she wasn’t invited. It’s a funeral under shittier circumstances than usual, not a social event and not Noah’s bloody arc.
You invite who you need there to support you, and who your mum was closest to.
Everyone else can watch the webcast.

Our problem is that everyone needs an overnight stay to attend the funeral. The latest guidance:

Weddings, civil partnerships, religious services and funerals

Funerals can be attended by a maximum of 30 people, and it is advised that only close friends and family attend. Linked ceremonial events such as stone settings and ash scatterings can also continue with up to 15 people in attendance. Anyone working is not included. Social distancing should be maintained between people who do not live together or share a support bubble.

I know somebody whose sister died last month. 20 could be invited

. She was early 40s. Then she had 3 children, one of whom had a child. She then had her dad, step mother, brother and aunt. So it left 12 places.

The wrote specific invites to those 12.
They put a message on social media explaining the situation.
The minister agreed the service could be put on Zoom, so everone that wanted to could watch. They'll do some kind of celebration later.

Why can’t some people use their common sense and realise that only close family are the important ones to attend the funeral.

One of my good friends mums died earlier this year and even although I wanted to support her I knew that numbers were limited, so I sent her a message saying I would be thinking of her as she spent her day with her family.

I’d take a step back and have a member of the family only allowing immediate family in and I wouldn’t bother inviting people.

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad died in May and yes I just had to say to people that there was only space for his kids, brothers, sisters and their partners. I did ask them to confirm numbers and then a few more spaces were available for his nieces/nephew. In the end there were 11 of us, far more would have come otherwise but it was easier for me as I had to organise it all myself from 150 miles away with a job, two kids and no school. My dad wanted a quiet funeral so it was what he wanted. Despite all that I found it a beautiful send off, it was nice that it was so intimate and I didn't have to worry, cater or really deal with anyone else.

I made a website on much loved.com which I really got a lot out of. People could pay their respects there. Some asked about a memorial get together down the line but it's a lot of pressure. Don't shoulder the burden of having to give everyone space to remember and say goodbye to your mum. They can do it in their own way, give them permission to do that and it should help. Just do what's best for you and what she'd have wanted. Unless she really wanted a massive funeral, in which case maybe something you can postpone to commemorate a big birthday she might have had. Good luck.

We just had my FIL's funeral in Ireland. 25 max. Most people that had been close to him said dont worry about us if we can't be there we understand. We had his 2 sons, their partners and children and his 3 siblings, his sil and their partners and kids. It wasn't even 25 but where do u go from there without offending someone.

OP, 30 is the guideline. If you decide that it's just total immediate family and that's 14, then just have 14.

Say no others and that will hopefully stop others being offended by "she" was invited but I wasn't rubbish.

I'm sorry for your loss

@user1471549213 that's what I was trying to say in the post just after yours.

It's too tough to make those decisions.

It's horrible having to choose things for a funeral when someone you love dies. When my son died my children chose everything as I could not function. They chose the coffin. i could not bear to look at the brochure. They chose the flowers. I was a wreck.

However when the day came I found an inner strength and did not cry. I read the eulogy out which I had composed. It was the least thing I could do for my son, and it was my job to do it. I knew that boy better than anyone.

This was before Covid. There was a church service for everyone but at the crematorium we insisted on close friends and family only. People understand, and if they don't then they are not being kind to you.

Strange times. I hope the day is not too traumatic for you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I really wouldn't word it, as suggested earlier anything to do with "who Mum would have wanted to be there" as that sounds as if you are rejecting people, and some people aren't "the chosen ones".
Who it will be, will be determined by the make up of your family of course, but generally simpler to keep it to just her children / SiL/DiL / maybe siblings and their spouses ? Will totally depend on those number though. I wouldn't start trying to "choose" people to then top it up to the maximum allowed.
Streaming the service can resolve it to some extent, and, as also previously suggested, you can let people know where you are leaving from, or a particular place that people can stand along the route to the crem (our crem doesn't let people into the grounds who aren't part of the numbers - it needs to be somewhere en-route). there is something comforting about 'being' with others and coming together to be there for the family even when you can't attend the funeral. Only works if people are local of course.

I think in normal times there would've been a lot of people there. We have a pretty big and quite close family. 30 is a struggle.

I wish I could give each of you that have suffered loses too a big hug. That will be the hardest thing. I won't be able to hug my family. One of my mums cousins has offered to tell people they can't come for me. It was really getting too much for me. Their grief seemed more important than that of mine and that's not on.