AIBU to ask... is anyone on MN a selective mute...

[Bamboo15]

.... or has been one at any pint in their life?

Just that really. Iong story but I’ve become interested in what has triggered selective mutism, how it feels at the time for someone, and what if anything changed, for someone who started talking later in life.

I was, all through first school (years 0-3) and years 4 and 5 of middle school. Still struggle socially now and really dislike talking in groups of more than 2 people.

Just to add, I was only mute at school. I would talk perfectly fine for my age at home, and was referred to speech therapy by the school which didn't help at all.

Do you mind me asking what it was like? Did it feel restful at the time, just not having the pressure of communicating or was it like a desire to talk but something was stopping you saying things out loud?

I was when I was very small. I put it down to witnessing DV.

I had this in school as a child. I wouldn't speak at all. At home I was completely fine with speaking to family and friends. I was just painfully shy for some reason in school. Then when I started a new job a few years ago, it kind of came back but I just pushed through a forced myself to speak up. It felt a bit weird. I didn't feel fully in control of it. I would go to speak and nothing would happen. Strange sensation. Thankfully haven't experienced it for a long time and hope I won't again! I'm much more confident now, so I think that's part of it.

@Bamboo15

Do you mind me asking what it was like? Did it feel restful at the time, just not having the pressure of communicating or was it like a desire to talk but something was stopping you saying things out loud?

It was awful for me. I wouldn't speak because it meant I would have to talk in front of other people, and the more I didn't speak, the more attention it attracted, which made it even worse.

Thanks for both sharing - and I’m sorry about the DV you witnessed Cheesypea.

Was there anything that made it easier to talk in situations where you didn’t normally, or was it more a case of never speaking in certain settings regardless?

I will actively avoid groups of people. If I find myself in anything more than 1 to 1, I won't normally say anything unless asked something specifically.

I was when I started primary school, for the first 2 years - only at school though. There have also been times in my life where I have not been able to speak.
I think it felt like I had space when I didn't speak. It also felt like it gave me power not to speak, at a time I felt quite powerless. When I was older, it was a way of shutting a door on stuff.
People that know me now would think it very strange, as I am quite outgoing and sociable, and confident at parties, talking in public etc
I loved acting and singing when I was younger, which a lovely teacher encouraged to help me speak at school.

My child has developed it, due to their autism. It’s anxiety- based and is linked to their dislike of their voice, exacerbated by the impact of braces. It is very difficult, as it has led to a loss of independence, and people think they are being rude.

I had it all through school and only improved in my late teens. At home I was fine but school or with a stranger...nah. Since taking anti-depressants, it's almost gone, so there's was an obvious anxiety link, but we don't know what triggered that back in my early childhood.

Do you mind me asking what it was like? Did it feel restful at the time, just not having the pressure of communicating or was it like a desire to talk but something was stopping you saying things out loud?

Most of the time , when someone spoke to me I could think of the reply in my head but it was like the connection between my brain and being able to physically speak just wasn't there.

How did you explain it to people, not being able to speak, I mean? Eg when they'd ask you "why don't you speak?"

My DS has had several bouts of selective mutism as an adult, the first one when he was about 23. In his case he was able to speak normally to people outside the home but not to anyone he lived with. It was very hurtful to us. He has Asperger's syndrome.
When he emerges from it he says he has no idea why it happens, but it is as if his computer has overloaded and he can only deal with essential functions.
As he emerges he can gesture, then make noises to.indicate what he wants. Sounds ridiculous in a grown man, but it represents a response to huge anxiety.
I found a very helpful Facebook group for adults affected by selective mutism. The advice was to go with it and let him emerge in his own time, which, when he recovers he agrees is the best way to handle it.
The longest bout lasted about 6 weeks. He did not go to the GP as he considered it pointless.

I was at school. I still struggle now. Sometimes at things like interviews I just clam up and it’s like I physically can’t speak. I do it at work sometimes too and it’s so hard as some people think I’m just being difficult and that I should just suck it up and talk.

I had it. Apparently I started to talk normally when I was young but the shock of moving house at 3 made me stop talking completely. I had to see a speech therapist. When someone would talk to me, I either felt terrified to say what I was thinking or I just could not think of something to say, even for basic questions like “what did you do at the weekend?”.

My parents were emotionally abusive so I wonder if they were stressed about the move and ended up shouting at me in a way that put me off talking as I don’t remember finding the move itself stressing. They also weren’t very social, even with relatives, so I think I often just didn’t know what to say in social situations.

I gradually began talking more at home and then among friends and then finally pretty much to anyone near the end of high school. I’m still pretty introverted though. It’s not that I am afraid or don’t know what to say anymore, but that I just find small talk to be boring. I’m happy to get up in front of a group of people and talk but I just prefer being alone. My memory is still terrible for recent events even now so I still find some types of questions difficult, though I handle the situations better these days.

I did for many years and apparently still do sometimes. At its worst I couldn't make a sound with my voice. I also felt like someone had hold of my head so I could not look at faces. It was worse when people pressured me to speak.
Sometimes someone would say "it's okay you don't have to talk, just nod or shake your head".
Nowadays apparently I do my "silent thing" which is when I can't figure out the right thing to say, so I say nothing.

My eldest daughter has selective mutism she is 8 year old, to this day she still refuses to speak to some members of my immediate family, she does speak within the family home it's more in situations she is not in control of that she refuses to speak, ie appointments, school and family gatherings.
I initially put it down to anxiety but other behaviours became more challenging and she has since been diagnosed with autism, I think it is a coping strategy for her and a control thing

I did as a child and less severely now as an adult. I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 40.

I'm currently having some autism specific coaching and was told that the part of the brain that controls language is located very near to the part that processes sensory information and so if you're overloaded then it can impact on speech.

I mostly get it now when I am emotionally overwhelmed. I can think really clearly what I want to say but just can't get the words to form to come out of my mouth. It feels very frustrating.

As a child it was more frequent and I would clam up in front of certain adults. I'd spend whole days at school not saying a word and dreading being asked a direct question in class.

That's really interesting Bitheby.

My DD(13) is a SM. She has never spoken in school or made a sound. She is fine at home and with family members. There are some very helpful people on the SMIRA Fb page who will offer you support. My DD has led a charmed life the only trauma she suffered was separation anxiety when she started nursery. I don't believe that trauma is usually the root cause of SM. I have read a lot about it over the years. I feel my DD now has situational rather than selective mutism. It was never the misused term, 'elective' mutism. She has no control over it at all. She still can't explain how it feels. She has very high levels of social anxiety and some sensory processing issues too.

Not officially SM but as a 4 year old at school I didn't speak much, I'd be pleased if I kept to under 5 words a day. I thought I was being a good girl and no-one disabused me of the idea so I just cracked on with it.

It did feel restful. I'm still not a big talker (at 52), I can go several days without speaking to anyone and not be bothered about it, it seems to be my default setting. I'm also super chatty though when I feel like it, in smallish groups. Loathe presenting to groups, and also can't speak when emotionally overwhelmed, but I think that's fairly normal. Is awkward though if I'm on the phone as the other person thinks the line has gone dead.

I mostly get it now when I am emotionally overwhelmed. I can think really clearly what I want to say but just can't get the words to form to come out of my mouth. It feels very frustrating.

Oh, that happens to me, so I guess I still experience SM more than I realised. That's very interesting what you said about parts of the brain.

This is so helpful and interesting thank you all for responding, the information on emotions and feeling emotionally overwhelmed is really interesting.

I started talking and reading really early, around 2 years old, then after a traumatic move abroad with my abusive parent I stopped speaking to everyone but them for about 1.5 years until I started school.

Was painfully shy in primary school, but made friends and was happy. Then the shock of answering a question wrong on the first day of secondary caused me to be mute when teachers in school were present from years 7-10, then I moved to a very small school, then had to go back to a big sixth-form and was mute in years 12-13.

I’m (obviously) an adult now but stutter badly when speaking to people in authority positions, and people who I feel are somehow ‘above’ me. It’s like that same anxiety that stopped my words coming out entirely now just causes a sort of tangle. It isn’t helped by the fact I think I have some sort of audio-processing issue and I can’t always take in what’s said until it’s repeated 3-4 times, I know what they’ve said, I just can’t understand it, so I’m always very anxious about misunderstanding what’s been said.

Never had any help with it because everyone thought I was just being silly and shy since I spoke at home, then it eventually became a massive point of tension because after a certain age it was decided I was just being insolent.

This was very long, sorry!