AIBU to ask... is anyone on MN a selective mute...

[Bamboo15]

.... or has been one at any pint in their life?

Just that really. Iong story but I’ve become interested in what has triggered selective mutism, how it feels at the time for someone, and what if anything changed, for someone who started talking later in life.

I had it from around the age of 3 - I would speak to immediate family in my household, but not any other relatives. Started school and I still didn't speak until I was around 7/8, when my favourite teacher asked me to read a book to her. No idea what triggered it tbh, but I definitely still have that streak in me where if someone tells me to do something that I was going to do anyway, then I will be less inclined to actually do it
It didn't really bother me tbh, I still somehow had friends to play with at school, but it did piss me off when my aunts or cousins would hide behind doors to try and hear me speak 🙄

Ds is 15 and is selective mute, he has been all his life. I agree with @CulturallyAppropriatedName, ds gets exhausted by it. He has a good group of friends who he's been at school with for years that manage it really well and we've only ever had a couple of teachers that haven't been very understanding. He talks a little at home and has started to sometimes talk to friends on the xbox. His ambition in life is to be a NASA engineer and told me the other day he wants to learn Russian

OP I was referring to the responses to your poll which at the time I wrote was about a third of ‘voters’ saying YABU. I can’t believe that many would object to a general question seeking advice so I assumed it was a response to the terminology.

If you are looking for the best advice, as other posters have referenced, the main source of solid information on selective mutism is SMIRA.

Such good advice here, I’m really grateful. @AliMonkey I will ask the parents for some guidance if we get to a play date situation. Nothing like that has come up yet mainly because of the current restrictions but I’m hoping we can get to normal soon!

My daughter was - I would say up to about year 5 in school - even after that she was quiet but not to the same extreme - for example in comp the teachers would say that she would never volunteer an answer but if they asked her she would tell them (she now works in hospitality and is absolutely fine - she is an introvert though and will recharge by herself)

Even when she was little she was fine within the house or when talking to me, her dad or her siblings - but even her grandparents she would take about an hour to speak to them - but would go and sit on their lap and cuddle them in that time. When she started school she wouldn't/couldn't answer the register but would have a small trusted group she would talk to (as long as she thought noone was listening and would speak quietly so she wouldnt be overheard) - her teacher then was very shocked to hear yelling at her younger sister in the school yard at pick up

Just don't push them - the more you push, the more stressed they become and the more they can't speak

Never officially diagnosed but I think I had this in secondary school. I could answer if a teacher asked me a question directly, but remember vividly when the whole class was asked a question I’d say the answer in my head but was unable to speak out.

I had my own group of friends who I was fine with, but was completely mute with most other peers. Got a bit of a reputation for being silent which make it even harder to get over.

As an adult I much prefer 1-1 or small groups. In big groups I go back to not being able to speak up. Even if I have a burning question or something to say. Very frustrating.

Me too.
As others have explained it's an anxiety disorder, stress and pressure to speak will make it worse.
If you have a child in your life that is a SM then I recomend that you keep talking to them but not pressure them into answering. Ask yes no questions that only need a nod or shake of the head. Remember they are not being rude, and it's not about you.

My mum was very I'll with PND when I was born and for a good year afterwards, this was the cause of mine. I struggled in primary but things got better as I got older and with more understanding teachers. I did drink a lot of alcohol and took drugs in my teens and twenties as it helped with my confidence and speaking. I'm now approaching 50 and things are much better but I still hate speaking on the phone and much prefer texting.

I realise that your interest is in children OP, but has anyone else experience of SM beginning in adulthood? The Facebook group I found had members experiencing it as adults, but they had all had it in childhood.
DS can't be the only one to start in adulthood, can he? There does seem to be a link to autism, and the anxiety that goes with it.

Fatima, when I'm very stressed/depressed I feel as though I can't open my mouth- either to talk, eat or drink. It doesn't stop me doing essential things, but anything I opt out of anything I can. It wasn't something I noticed as a child, just as an adult. As an adult I shut myself away as much as possible, avoiding situations where I need to speak. Obviously that's very low level in comparison with your son's experience.

I was an elective mute for most of my primary education. I was from a very disadvantaged background and large family where quietness was welcomed so I'm sure that didn't help. I was sexually abused by two family friends over my early primary school years and feel this was also central to my mutism.
I did daydream to an amazing extent during this period and at one time was able to internally speak and write fluently in a strange reversed alphabet. I was brought up during the troubles in Northern Ireland and remember as a child being deeply affected by the atrocities. There was also a lot of suspicion and fear in the community which I think my parents experienced and passed on to us.

Griselda1 being brought up in the Troubles must have been really hard.
Thank you Picklemewalnuts. Very interesting to hear your experience.