AIBU to ask... is anyone on MN a selective mute...

[Bamboo15]

.... or has been one at any pint in their life?

Just that really. Iong story but I’ve become interested in what has triggered selective mutism, how it feels at the time for someone, and what if anything changed, for someone who started talking later in life.

I was mute as a child (and for a very brief period in my 20s when I was suffering with my mental health). Even when I started talking, all through school I was incredibly shy and quiet.

Now I work in a job where I have to talk incessantly. To the point where people get irritated and refuse to enter my place of work, if the threads on Mumsnet are to be believed

People can’t believe it when I tell them how shy I used to be!

One thing that is curious from the responses here that for those who stopped speaking due to traumatic situations at home esp, the abusive parents/ DV that home was the one place where people did speak despite that being the source as it were of the trauma.

Do you mind me asking peepee why speaking at home was easier in your situation?

As a child I could speak at home but not at school for a long time. That eased into being able to respond at school when I was spoken to first, then at secondary expanded into being able to speak to certain groups of people but not others. Even now I struggle - I can't speak to most of my neighbours for example. Or friends of my ex partner.

I'm suspected ASD so makes sense to me that there's a link.

It's hard for me to look back on - I still feel heartbroken that I wasn't helped at school. Surely teachers should notice a child that doesn't speak for several years .

I was as a young child. I was just labelled as shy but it took until adulthod for it to completely go away. Odd because I was a fairly gobby teen but i still encountered a few situations where the words just got stuck and I froze.

My eldest is autistic and hs progressed from seelctively mute to a completely closed book. He can't even srite it down or type it out if he's not comfortable.

Dd rarely speaks at school - she's a teenager. It's anxiety related and she doesn't want to be looked at or have attention drawn to her.

Oh forgot to say she is autistic.

I know a little girl she has never spoken in school or outside her own home. When her brother was born she stopped speaking at home for several months. she is such a sweet little girl and is great at singing if only she could share her talent with people outside her home.

One of the girls at my school (age5-7) was a selective mute I think, she never spoke at school at all. We then went to different junior schools but when we met again at senior school she spoke normally and seemed well integrated, you would never have guessed she had a problem. I didn't mention the previous issues and I don't know what enabled the change. Sorry not very insightful but just an example of the change that can occur.

Yes my son was diagnosed with it at age 3 at preschool. He wouldn't utter a word at school but loud at home. He has had a few years of speech therapy and confidence building sessions at school. It has made a significant difference.

I remember going to parents night recently and the teacher telling me he would now answer his name in registration and could talk (be it quietly) in front of the class. Doesn't sound a big deal but i had to hold back the tears because it was such a huge achievement for my son. Hes really loud at home and now getting more confident at school. Its great to see him increasing in confidence. I was told by teachers if they didn't help my son at a young age that he would have serious issues in teens/20s. Im glad it was spotted as i thought it was just shyness.

I didn't speak for 2 years at school, aged about 5-7 (except to one other child). The cause is quite simple - it was a French school and I joined not knowing a word of French. Within a few months I could understand pretty much everything that was going on, and I learned to read and write in French with no problems, I just refused to speak it. There was one English-speaking child in my class, so I spoke to her, in English. After 2 years she left and I realised I'd have to start speaking French otherwise I wouldn't be able to speak to anybody.

It must have been very frustrating for my teachers and other adults around me because it was obvious I understood but just refused to speak. If anybody asked me a question I would nod, shake my head or just shrug my shoulders. I was very stubborn.... The school told my parents I was retarded and had a 'mental blockage', which my parents didn't take much notice of luckily. In the end they bribed me with guinea pigs if I started speaking French in public, and that did the trick. Animals were the only way to unlock me and I do remember one incident when we went to the circus with a French family who had mistaken the circus ponies for foals, so I corrected them (in French), then pretended it hadn't happened.

I was definitely a weird kid and it took me a long time to learn social skills but I seem to have got the hang of it now (I'm 32). I have no difficulty whatsoever in making friends and maintaining friendships, and get on with people from all walks of life. I was just a late developer, socially. So parents of weird kids, don't despair. If they seem happy and fulfilled just leave them be.

Both DD and I went through about a year or so of not speaking at all in public. Mine was in Yr 3 and Yr 4 of junior school, I remember the teacher allocating me to the role of pointing with a ruler at various bit for a class assembly.
DD didn't speak at all at preschool for about a year. I was not aware of this until her teacher asked me if she could speak! She was then assessed for selective mutism.
Oddly enough, both of us were extremely chatty at home during this time! DD used to talk to me all the time, to the point we used to laugh at how we couldn't stop talking when we were together.
She is a quitely confident child today, I do public speaking as part of my job. No more pointing with a ruler sadly.
I can remember not speaking at school for about a year but I still find it difficult to explain why. Partly because I was anxious and shy, partly perhaps to having a very close and talkative relationship with my own mother and feeling I didn't 'need' to speak to anyone else. I might have inadvertently perpetuated this!
I do find it fascinating as like inkpaperstars friend, something seemed to change and you'd never have guessed. I cried when my DD had the lead role in the play in infants, a speaking part too

I wouldn’t speak, was incredibly shy. I went to a Catholic school the nuns were not good people. They would hit pupils for talking. I decided never to speak again. The nuns allowed the other D.C. to paint my face and hands with many different colour paints. They wanted to get a reaction but I just ignored them.

I had two tiny tears dolls and the DM of a little girl called Susan knitted me two layettes for them. They were lovely little outfits. That was the first time I spoke because I couldn’t not say thank you. That was 53 years ago and I’ve never forgotten Susan’s DM.

Both of mine were. DD1's speech regressed when DD2 was born (2.5 years old) and came back when she was around 7. DD2 didn't speak at all until 3 and didn't speak "properly" until starting school at age 5. I really don't know what brought DD1 out of it, she just gradually started speaking again. DD2 started speaking after Minnie Mouse convinced her to at Disneyland . DD2 (13) is completely fine now, DD1 (15) still suffers from social anxiety but no mutism.

I don’t know if this counts but I rarely spoke when I had a bad depressive episode aged 14-15. I’d had a traumatic event, and it was like everything shut down. My brain was still thinking, but I felt very distanced from the words and I couldn’t make my brain make my mouth make the sounds. The effort required to say things outloud, and the interaction that would come from achieving that was just too much for me. I also found the control of choosing not to speak quite comforting - it wasn’t for attention though, in fact I desperately didn’t want to draw attention to myself.

OP, if you’re wondering why you’re getting so many YABUs it may be because of your question - the language you used. You used the term ‘selective mute’ instead of asking if anyone has selective mutism.
I think it’s important to many people that it is understood that selective mutism is a condition and not a lifelong identity.

Thanks for raising awareness of selective mutism.

To the poster who mentioned mutism after trauma - I believe that would probably be traumatic mutism not selective mutism.

I'm not sure now if mine was selective or traumatic mutism, but to answer the question about why a child might feel more comfortable speaking at home than at school, in my case I felt that I knew the "rules" better at home. At school I was terrified to speak in case I did something wrong and was shouted at. While there was a risk of this at home, I had picked up patterns about what would make my parents angry or not. School was still quite new and I didn't know my classmates or teachers as well as I knew my parents. I also was less likely to be asked questions where I had to use short memory recall or social skills.

After thinking about this thread a bit, I'm not sure that my mother's account that I stopped speaking completely after moving house is true. I began to recall times when I when I told my mother things that had happened a nursery school which would have been after we moved. I also remember talking to my friends in primary one, though I definitely was very quiet and barely spoke around people I didn't know well. I do remember seeing a speech therapist though so there must have been something unusual about me.

,Bamboo14 Would I be Unreasonable to ask why you are interested in this topic? Is your interest professional, or is it because a family member or friend experiences selective mutism? You say it is a long story, but I am interested.

@Twofingers I’ve not had any YABU replies but thank you for the reference to the different terms, I did come here to learn so thank you.

@FatimaMunchy lol you are not unreasonable to ask It’s social rather than professional - a friendship my DD has started a with a girl who hardy speaks at first I had a assumed she was painfully shy, which may from the responses above be part of it, but her mum told me she experienced selective mutism - which I knew nothing about. I did Google, but the information is very medical and written from the point of view of adults ‘treating it’ and I wanted to understand more from a personal point of view from people who’ve experienced it what she might be feeling on the inside and how best to be around her to make her feel comfortable and included. It’s hard to ask the parents without looking like you’re making a thing about it.

Two of my kids had it at school, one far more than the other. They were completely fine at home though and could form friendships outside of school well. It sounds awful but I didn't worry about it as they were both happy and confident at home. It went on a couple of years with one and a year with the other.

They both grew up fine. They are still quiet but can speak In groups. It didn't matter a jot in the long term. I think ignoring it was the best thing to do for them.

@Bamboo15 that's kind of you. To make her feel included, speak to her warmly but don't press for verbal replies. Offer her choices she can point to instead of having to speak. Don't insist on "please" and "thankyou" - use thumbs up or sign language, it's hard to explain but signing is weirdly okay usually.

Hth

What's the difference between selective mutism and painfully shy? I used to refuse to answer my name on the register in reception because I didnt want to speak in front of everyone. I also didn't talk to grown ups I didnt know well and my poor adult next door neighbour I didnt speak to for years because he was loud and it intimidated me. Feel free to tell me I was just painfully shy I didnt consider selective mutism before reading this! A friends aunt thought I was mega rude because I didnt say hello... I hated speaking to adults that weren't my parents though especially scary ones like her

DS13 has it. I think it’s great that you are asking for that reason but also say please do ask the parents - I always told parents of his friends if he went to their houses as otherwise he came across as rude and I so appreciated it if they asked what they could do to make him as comfortable as possible. For DS it’s completely anxiety related (he has many other anxiety issues) and it’s like if I had to stand up and do a presentation and would get really nervous and almost feel like I couldn’t speak. If he tries he physically can’t get the words out - so has learnt to not try in those situations. My advice to those dealing with him is always to not overload him with questions but equally speak to him as if you were expecting him to speak rather than ignoring him. Ask questions with yes/no answers as then he may feel able to answer with eg nod/shake of head (though almost certainly without looking you in the eye). Assuming the friend will talk to your DD if out of your earshot, say things like “why don’t you two have a chat about whether you want sausages or pizza then let me know” then leave the room. Don’t ever make a big deal of it. DS never speaks if feeling pressurised but after lots of work by us and school will now speak a little in some circumstances.

Bamboo15 thank you

@TheGoogleMum, sounds like SM to me - we initially thought it was just shyness but after researching and talking to Ed Psych realised it was more than that. But I think in a way it is just a more extreme version of shyness as both are anxiety related. Sometimes more obvious in that someone could eg be happy to mime or dance in front of people but not speak or eg happy to talk to another child if no adult can hear but not if anyone else is listening. In DS’s case there was definitely physical symptoms of feeling like his throat closed up if he tried to speak when not just with us.

Selective mutism is not relaxing. Most of those who have it feel enormous frustration. It is thought to be a freeze fear response to the expectation to speak. It is not associated with trauma or abuse (that is a different sort of mutism) but it is associated with family history of anxiety or mutism and with autism (most autistic people don't have SM and most of those with SM are not autistic, but there is a large comorbid population, probably because social anxiety is so common in autism).

There is plenty of online information about selective mutism so I don't know what you googled. The UK national charity is called SMiRA and it has a web page with loads of free downloadables including best ways to approach children with SM.