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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this man's "joke" at work was unnecessary?

98 replies

Betty94 · 29/10/2020 21:23

Hi all,

I think I'm just being extremely sensitive but I've been feeling down for a little bit and this mans comments has just made me feel like absolute shit -

We had a social distance "baby shower" at work for me and another lady and it was lovely and really nice of work to do this, we played a game called what would mother rather do? And then at the end my manager said okay let's score the girls meaning like what people have said we'd rather do but this man in his 50s said " I give Betty94 a 4/10 and Sally a 8-9/10" meaning our looks, everyone just kind of ignored him but it was really hurtful because I've been struggling with my mental health and ended up cutting off my hair in the middle of lockdown (I've since been to the hairdressers and had it sorted) and I've just been struggling with my appearance and the weight gain from the pregnancy and I don't really care what this man thinks but now I feel like everyone thinks the same and that I look really horrible all the time, I wouldn't even let DH touch me last night and cried in bed - I know I'm being silly but I just feel awful about it :(

Why do people feel the need to make "jokes" like this? Please tell me I'm just being a sensitive idiot.

OP posts:

LaBellina · 30/10/2020 07:47

Poor thing. No YANBU.
That was cruel and unneccesairy.
Also professionally unacceptable as it's VERY sexist; I'd be inclined to report it to HR in your shoes.

If it makes you feel any better: people who feel the need to bring others down usually do this because they're feeling unhappy about themselves. Probably this loser has a tiny, tiny penis. If you don't want to report to HR or your employer won't do anything about it, I think I'd be very tempted to start waving to him with only my little finger and refer to him as pinky.

Ponoka7 · 30/10/2020 07:49

@Coffeecak3

"The man’s an idiot but can you really complain to HR about a remark made in a baby shower even on work premises?"

Yes because it was in the workplace and appropriate conduct still applies. It does even at other venues, if it's a work do. But your Manager would be the first port of call.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 30/10/2020 07:53

He's a cunt. Also your boss was unacceptable to call you girls when you're women. Mine does it and I always correct him.

RoseGoldEagle · 30/10/2020 08:04

Ugh. I hate how men can make you feel like this, even when you don’t like them and they’re completely idiots. There was a guy I used to work with who used to somehow hone in on any insecurity and make jokes about it- for me it was always ‘not pregnant yet Rose? isn’t that clock ticking, you need to get on with it...’ when I was mid thirties and had had a miscarriage and struggling to get pregnant, with others colleagues it was comments about them being single or comments on their appearance or comments on why they hadn’t been promoted yet. Always to female colleagues, of course. It’s easier said than done to just ignore it, but honestly you are worth a million times more than this idiot, your husband loves you, you’re about to have a gorgeous squishy newborn, leave this sad man to his sad life and try not to let his comments go to heart.

MammaSchwifty · 30/10/2020 08:21

gross, what a prick. I bet he's a 1/10 too, they usually are. Definitely reportable to HR.

AGoatAteIt · 30/10/2020 08:27

You’re not being over sensitive at all the guy is a cunt. I really hope that your manager addressed his unwanted sexist comment at some point in private.

Aposterhasnoname · 30/10/2020 08:35

I’d have been in the HR office so damn fast anyone watching would have had whiplash.

What a fucking prick. Don’t let him get away with this.

ittakes2 · 30/10/2020 08:35

Don’t be sad get mad! Not ok speak to HR. If he’s thought it ok to do this to a pregnant woman - it’s likely he is equally a twat to other vulnerable work colleagues. You might find HR is building a file on his behaviour.
And please choose your husband’s opinions over other people’s. He loves you, he’s chosen you, he is building a life and having a baby with you. Not everyone in the world will like or love you - it’s the same for everyone. But you have found someone who does so don’t waste anytime thinking of a twat who doesn’t care about you. He’s not worth your head space.

ittakes2 · 30/10/2020 08:38

Can I just add though - are you sure he meant your looks? If someone has asked to score something - are you sure he did not score what the game was?

TheGoogleMum · 30/10/2020 08:42

Sounds a bit like someone I used to work with. No its not funny or appropriate and he is a dick

TikTakTikTak · 30/10/2020 08:47

@Doggybiccys

Again....in summary; He’s a dick Your DH responded badly You are not happy with your body so you need to sort that out for you Do not report to HR unless you are prepared to go the whole hog and get him sacked.

I'm so sick of this mindset. If he got sacked it would be his own fault. He doesn't get to behave however he wants and then blame someone else for reporting him. Men are supposed to take responsibility for their actions, you know.

Not that he'd get the sack for this incident alone anyway.

Lifeisabeach09 · 30/10/2020 09:02

'Ahh, that's nice of you, prick! I would have given you a -1 at least.'
OP, this man is an asshole and you are letting him get to you.
Please don't give him (or anyone else!) the satisfaction-his opinion of how you look is so fucking irrelevant (and completely subjective, I might add!)

dentydown · 30/10/2020 09:07

Jokes are meant to be funny. If you looked him in the eye and asked him to explain why it was funny, he would have looked like a prat.

dottiedodah · 30/10/2020 09:16

RawlikeSushi What a great response! Made me laugh on a grey morning. What an absolute jerk some men are .Probably his wife (if he has one ) knows what hes like and blows him out!

Meuniere · 30/10/2020 09:29

@Doggybiccys

I would have no issue with seeing a man like this been sacked.

We are in 2020. Moments like this should not be heard anymore. And they certainly shouldn’t be ignored because ignoring them is basically perpetuating the cycle of them been acceptable.

People like yourself who are basically putting the responsibility of the situation in the OP/victime if thé so called joke are part of the problem too btw.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 30/10/2020 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 30/10/2020 10:19

Sorry, posted in wrong thread!

NeonGenesis · 30/10/2020 10:52

"Do not report to HR unless you are prepared to go the whole hog and get him sacked"

That's not what is happening. If the OP reports him for what he did, which I would certainly be considering if I were her, and he gets the sack, then he will have been sacked because of what he did. It will not be the OP "getting him sacked". Unless she goes to them with a completely fabricated story then you cannot place any blame on her. That's like saying that a criminal has been sent to prison because someone grassed them up - No. They get sent to prison because they have broken the law. It's very simple.

Plussizejumpsuit · 30/10/2020 11:00

Not remotely over sensitive of you. This is awful. I know everyone is saying ignore him and it easier said than done but really do. I'm sure he's really a 10 eh? Ffs men need training before being allowed out in public.

Ivy455 · 30/10/2020 11:35

I'd be pretty upset.

BlueThistles · 30/10/2020 16:32

how are you OP

Original poster

Betty94 · 30/10/2020 17:01

@BlueThistles

how are you OP

I'm sorry I kinda went AWOL on this thread, I've been reading all the replies but have had a busy day - I feel a lot better thank you, everyone has made me realise it doesn't matter what should guy says to try and be funny, my husband loves me and I shouldn't let this man get under my skin. I'm not gonna go to HR as I'm actually off work now until July on maternity but when I'm back if he says anything inappropriate then I'll make a complaint - I imagine if he carries on like he is someone is bound to anyway but thank you everyone for your kind comments, some men are idiots haha

OP posts:

BlueThistles · 30/10/2020 21:50

Enjoy your maternity leave

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