To think this man's "joke" at work was unnecessary?

[Betty94]

Hi all,

I think I'm just being extremely sensitive but I've been feeling down for a little bit and this mans comments has just made me feel like absolute shit -

We had a social distance "baby shower" at work for me and another lady and it was lovely and really nice of work to do this, we played a game called what would mother rather do? And then at the end my manager said okay let's score the girls meaning like what people have said we'd rather do but this man in his 50s said " I give Betty94 a 4/10 and Sally a 8-9/10" meaning our looks, everyone just kind of ignored him but it was really hurtful because I've been struggling with my mental health and ended up cutting off my hair in the middle of lockdown (I've since been to the hairdressers and had it sorted) and I've just been struggling with my appearance and the weight gain from the pregnancy and I don't really care what this man thinks but now I feel like everyone thinks the same and that I look really horrible all the time, I wouldn't even let DH touch me last night and cried in bed - I know I'm being silly but I just feel awful about it :(

Why do people feel the need to make "jokes" like this? Please tell me I'm just being a sensitive idiot.

Not that it matters, but the numbers he chose were likely jokes not what he actually thinks!

That's horrendous. Unacceptable in a work environment (or anywhere really). He needs to be reported to management or HR. If anyone on my team at work did that it would mean at the very least a long discussion about respect and what constitutes harassment. Ignoring him just means he gets away with it. Yes, ignore the personal aspect but address the conduct. Yuck.

Fucking hell, I would be spending the rest of my pregnancy looking for a way to get him back for this.

You should have replied with " I would rate you old man but I don't think the ratings system goes in negative numbers" or some equivalent. As you didn't (understandably) jump on his rudeness at the time I would be looking for a way to do it now.
What a horrible man.

@Doggybiccys

Again....in summary; He’s a dick Your DH responded badly You are not happy with your body so you need to sort that out for you Do not report to HR unless you are prepared to go the whole hog and get him sacked.

What does OP’s husband have to do with this?

Whenever you see him give him a big shit eating grin and say

"Hey Mr Supermodel how you doing? Just thanking you again for not rating me an 8 It would be so awkward knowing you found me attractive with you being....well ya know. I know (insert colleagues name) has been feeling really icky since she found out you were looking at her like that. Anyhoo enjoy your day"

It wasn't a joke, he is a dick and your colleagues seem to agree. You can be a dick too.

Not all the time, just once or twice to get the point across. No-one wants to hear what old men think about younger women it's creepy and you'll be helping him by pointing that out.

but now I feel like everyone thinks the same and that I look really horrible all the time, I wouldn't even let DH touch me last night and cried in bed

It's a bit mean to presume everyone thinks like a creepy socially inept icky wankstain. Don't get sad get mad, now creepy bollocks has upset your husband as well, so he's due double snark.

He's a d*k and an ar**hole! and probably thought he was being terribly clever! I think some men have a default mode which they revert to when they're out of their depth! I'm sure you look amazing whilst growing a tiny human inside of you! You're amazing, please don't let this sexist pig bring you down!!
I witnessed a similar situation where we were having a departmental meeting and we took part in a getting to know your colleagues item... two names are drawn out of hat and the individuals talk about the other person... the two individuals didn't know very much about each other so the MAN goes on to say it's the worst dating app he's been on!! Who says that in a meeting???
I mentioned it to my Head of Service this morning and told her how it was such an inappropriate thing to say...she agreed and was planning to have a word!

@PlanDeRaccordement

I’m shocked that such a sexist game as what would mother rather do was played at a work celebration.

I agree. The whole thing sounds awful, including the part about "let's score the girls"

Not defending this bloke but is it possible he got the wrong end of the stick about what was being asked?

The 'weight gain from pregnancy' IS pregnancy. You need the extra cause you're growing a person and carrying that person while still needing to stay alive yourself.

You don't get to grow a baby and grow into a mummy without some extra pounds. Extra tits. Extra huffing and puffing and red sweaty moments and farting...and the horny...and the leave me alone you bastard I'm miserable...

Has the farting started yet? if not you should be planning to use that to punish creepy bollocks too.

I love the sweaty, fat, "I dare you to touch my huge boobs why would you want me?", crying, demanding "grab my boobs NOW", I'm not horny, I'm huffy from looking over there, I'm horny again, stuck to a toilet, can't sleep, getting a kicking, horny again, leave me alone I'm pregnant not horny, Why aren't we having sex right now? bits of pregnancy. Because it's behind me and in the past.
It's not always girly or sexy or feminine but actually is all of those things cause it's pregnancy.

Work wankers I love not so much though. You're pregnant and it's unique every time, work wankers are dull and predictable and nothing to do with you. Wait till you get the pregnant "I dare ya" mood then go have a word with him.

xx

@EBearhug

I meant to add that rating looks in the workplace is sexual harassment.

This. HR, no question.

I'm amazed there are still people daft enough to do this sort of thing blatantly in this day and age.

As a partner in an international law firm, I was introduced to the team I had been promoted to lead, in front of a hundred lawyers and employees based in four different countries, with the words “Come up on the stage, Yellow, you can sit on my knee”.

That was only 4 years ago. Since then every senior woman on my team (including myself) has quit, citing harassment and bulllying, and absolutely nothing was done about it. We were made to sign NDAs when we left.

These things absolutely do still happen in the open, as unbelievable as it sounds. OP what this guy did to you is disgusting and unforgivable.

Yeah lets score the girls is really fucking weird actually. Girls shouldn't be pregnant.

Women should kick off if a scoring system is suggested.

He said it without thinking. He was trying to be funny, he didn't actually think you were a 4. He just said numbers to make the joke. I'm so glad no-one laughed.
He is a prick OP. I've been there myself, I know how you feel. Please ignore him x

What a vile man, I'm so sorry.

Take good care of yourself and don't let this idiot's puerile comment get to you, he's not worth the headspace.

@rawlikesushi

It always amazes me that some men have the audacity to talk about women that way. How have they got the balls to give women a score when they themselves are usually a 1/10 on every level? I'd have said 'well that's three more than you Brian, you gammon faced fuck.'

Exactly. And it also kind of depresses me that people show their displeasure by ignoring it and glossing over this kind of crassness. I’d have said something too.

@Betty94 please don’t allow this total idiot’s stupid comment get to you. He probably just said anything to try and get a cheap laugh without what he said having any basis or being his opinion, let alone anyone else’s opinion. It’s all about his inadequacies, not about you. As for other people’s opinions, they probably all think he’s a dick and I’m sure if he said that he’s got form for ‘jokes’. Can you get support for how you’ve been feeling recently? Not because you’re “over sensitive” but because it’s a tough time to be pregnant and it’s probably helpful to talk about your feelings re physical and psychological changes you’re going through.

I give him a 0/10 for being a decent human being

As a partner in an international law firm, I was introduced to the team I had been promoted to lead, in front of a hundred lawyers and employees based in four different countries, with the words “Come up on the stage, Yellow, you can sit on my knee”.

*That was only 4 years ago. Since then every senior woman on my team (including myself) has quit, citing harassment and bulllying, and absolutely nothing was done about it. We were made to sign NDAs when we left.

These things absolutely do still happen in the open, as unbelievable as it sounds. OP what this guy did to you is disgusting and unforgivable*

That’s appalling and depressing in equal measure @Yellownotblue. I work in what might be seen as a “PC” environment but in reality it just means there is a mutual respect. I can’t imagine any of the men I work with at whatever level ever saying such things. I work in a stressful environment (mental health) but I am very glad not to have to put up with casual or targeted and aggressive sexism.

@YouokHun, I agree.

This man’s pathetic comment was heard by all and ignored, it was a stupid joke that fell very flat. It would upset me greatly too. He is an arse.

If you feel strong enough to address this, I would have a word with your manager or HR.

However, don’t let your mind linger on this, address it and move on because it’s not worth the head space. You are about to have a baby, happier times lay ahead.

The man’s an idiot but can you really complain to HR about a remark made in a baby shower even on work premises?

I imagine nobody said anything at the time because they didn’t want to embarrass you. But- if I was that manager, there would be a note on his file, and words would have been had later. Perhaps ask your manager how this inappropriate comment was dealt with after the event?

Some people don't know the difference between telling a joke and being a twat. Or more likely pretend not to know the difference.

If your manager isn't coming to you and your colleague saying something like leery twat was out of line and I've told him exactly why and that I don't ever want a repeat of his behaviour and asking you whether you want to raise anything and letting you know you have your managers support then they're not worth being a manager. They took the team into something informal and outside your usual patterns of behaviour, they still need to assert the correct boundaries for you all.

'Your DH responded badly'

What did her DH do?
I'd go to HR. I'd also be the sort of person to respond with and you are a 2/10 and that's 2 inches for your little dick.

So ....I guess he's Mr Universe then ? Twat.

I’d be rightfully invoking pregnancy rage at that point. What a Dick.